Children or G.children - who do you care for most?

Franbern - you are not alone in feeling like this. When my first grandchild was born 4 years ago I didn’t know what to feel. She was adorable as all babies are and yet I didn’t feel that rush of unconditional love that I felt for my own children. I did actually post on here about how I felt (or didn’t feel) and there were many that shot me down in flames! I, like you, just wondered if there was anyone else out there with the same experience. My granddaughter was a tricky toddler and her behaviour wasn’t handled well (and still isn’t tbh) which wasn’t conducive to my relationship with her. I have grown to love her however over the years including my little grandson but the love I have for them will never match what I feel for my own children. So, no, you’re far from being alone in this. In fact, it was heartening to read your post. I feel better now too! Give it time x

I agree with ginny I think we all have as much love as we need to go around. I love my DH, my children and my grandchildren with all my heart . I don't give them a bit each, in percentages .

That's good! I was beginning to think I was unusual. I think if you share the care of a grandchild, like looking after them in the day while parent work, then it's probably more likely you're going to have that deep bond similar to what you have with your own, but in my case I only see each of them once a month on average for a few hours or overnight due to travel logistics, and although I care greatly for their welfare and happiness, I tend to think of it largely in terms of how awful my own child would feel if they were worried about or grieving for their child.

Personally, I feel that grandparents who are OTT were parents who had little time for enjoying their own children so they try to make up for it through the g.kids. I've watched this happened with my own MIL and it's so sad in a way. Her life was too busy running after the husband and gymming and tanning that she didn't spend that quality time she should have with her kids. I won't do the same with mine. I will have many years to do what I want to do when they are older and on their own mission.

Until my own children were born I never realised that you could love anyone so deeply.
Once they came along I was blown away.
Over the years those feelings ebb in their intensity, by me anyway ,and are forgotten.
Once my grandchildren came along those feeling returned, no more or no less, but I would put their needs over that of my children.

I am the one in the middle. I am an only child, a life-long disappointment to my mother (it started with being born female and continued from there), but I am the mother of a son. My son and my mother spent his childhood years as a mutual appreciation society. It meant I got left in peace and criticised to a much lesser extent. It does not particularly upset me - if I am honest, if we weren't related to one another my mother and I would not have anything in common. We just do not understand one another. My son is now an adult and loves his Nan very much, but thinks that she is bossy and a 'bit control freaky'. Let's face it, we are all tied by kinship to some people we don't understand and/or like - in the words of my mother, 'yes dear, I do love you, I just don't like you very much' (she denies saying it now of course), so why pretend. You just treat everyone fairly and be kind, and don't confuse a desire to possess and control with love.

One of the reasons I love my gcs so much is that it's like having my daughter all over again. Not a competition just different.

Well if you had to raise your gc how would you feel then.
I promised my son I would look after his d and I have, no one can take away the love I have for my d who is our rock, or our son who did in 2007 but I love my gc as if she was my own as she was very young when she came to live with us.

I too, love my daughter more than her children, but it has made me reflect back on my own mum. When my daughter was 8 or 9, my mum 'needed' me to travel a good distance to be with while she went through a difficult time. When I agreed and added that I'd be bringing my daughter (her GD) as well, she flew into a near rage! She ONLY wanted me to come. I was confused and upset at the time, but now I think I understand perfectly!

lesley4357, I feel much the same. My very temperamental DD has a very temperamental DD and when she rings me up to moan, I have to have a chuckle about karma. The difference being I back my DD up in her efforts whilst my DM worked hard to replace me so would undermine me every step of the way.
My DS has a little boy very much like him and I am continually reminded of his ways and my other DS as he grows up. I love both my DGC equally but, just as my relationships are different with all my children, so are my relationships with them. If it looks like I love my DGC more than my DC, it is only because they are more vulnerable, cuddleable and adoring; my DC and I have a more mature love which doesn't include the cuddling and sloppy kisses!

There is always enough love to go round - I love my DS and my DD with all my heart; I could not possibly love them more than I do, and I feel exactly the same way about the GC. Each one is loved dearly, and when the GC came along it didn't diminish my love for and pride in my children. They are all my children - I can't see it any other way, and it puzzles me when people say (as my Mother did) 'You will have to back off now that I have a GC'. That hurt - and I don't see that it was necessary in any way. The people who put their GC at centre stage probably did just the same when their children were small - pushy parents presumably become pushy grandparents unless they have a personality change.

I have 2 grandsons, one who has lived with me for 14 years and who I adore and one who has just turned 2 and is so cute. Different feelings but still love. I love all of my children in different ways. As they've become adults some of their behaviours I've found upsetting and not what I approve of but I still love them dearly.

oops I used to say the "I'll always love you but right now I dont like you very much" to my daughter when she was being really naughty ....I thought it was being honest.We have and have always had a very close relationship ,sometimes I think she shares too much information with me,some things I'd rather not know..lol.I have the same bond with the GC ,I looked after all 4 since they were babies ,job shared with my daughter so we had the children for equal time during the week .When my eldest GD started school I missed her every bit as much as I missed my daughter when she started school .Like others have said ,love expands to include people ..the more little people the more love there is to share

Lucky girl, Bluebelle, I like your responses!
Who's measuring for goodness sake?!

I adore my children and grandchildren all the same, there is no difference at all.

I have friends who told me before I had grandchildren that they did not love their grandchildren as much as their own children. I found when my granddaughter was born I loved her immediately and felt she was part of me almost in the same way as my children are. Of course the relationship is different as I do not see her day to day and I am not responsible for bringing her up but I love her unconditionally just as I love my children. And no it is not a silly question - we are all different.

I love my children very much, and the GC are an extension of that. Love is extremely elastic - it stretches to fit the whole family very snugly!

I think that the reason Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common 'enemy' !!

I don't think I realised what love was until I had my son when I was 22, it was the most wonderful feeling and nearly 40yrs later I still love him just the same.
However when our granddaughter was born 10yrs ago I was surprised at how little emotion I felt towards her, she was very nice, but she could have been anyone's baby. Now she is 10 and I love her to bits, but I always wonder why I had that problem when she was first born!

sluttygran I couldn't have put it better. I love my DD & my 2 DGS. I didn't get that overwhelming burst of love at DGS's birth, don't get me wrong I loved them but I'm not a "must have a cuddle" Nanny, but my DD knows this. When they start interacting there is no-one more "hands on" than me. I also love my DiL & DM.

I have 4 Step-GC, the older 2 are lovely, well brought up young people who I love along with Step-D. The younger 2 were unruly, badly behaved & rude children, poorly disciplined. My DH & I were gradually losing touch with his S before my DH died. I now have no contact with Step-S & family

I totally agree Franburn. I love my grandchildren very much, but not so much as I love my own children. They will always come first to me.

I understand totally Mercedes. That’s exactly how I feel/felt and it’s nothing to do with ‘portions’ or ‘sharing out’ the love. You can’t help what you do or don’t feel. Perhaps if they lived nearer and I saw them on a regular basis it might have been different. However, last week when they were over and I walked into Grandads house, little DGD shouted “Nanny!”, ran up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Now that was a magical moment! I’ll never forget it. So despite what I didn’t feel in the beginning I’ve got a loving strong relationship with her now.

Chewbacca, you have it in one. Perhaps one could also say that the cake of love just gets bigger, the more people you add to it. ?

My husband is the person I love more than anyone else but I love my children and grandchildren very much, children more than grandchildren? No, both the same, they all have my blood.

When G.D.1 was here recently she came into bed for a cuddle and it seemed to me that she was the most precious thing in my life. I don't think I love her more than my kids, but she was a miracle baby and to feel that spark of new life (she is still a toddler) was just overwhelming.