Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

Oh hun I really feel for you. Could have written this myself. You need to get her out of your life and you will be soooo much happier! I now haven't seen my mil for three months and am the happiest i've ever been! it's your life and your rules and you are under no obligation to try and get on with her, put up with her or have her babysit or come round. good luck!!

Our ward manager used to call us " Lovely Ladies" I don't recall anyone taking offence to it!

I'm afraid to say that it's unlikely your mil will change. I lived through it with my my own mil who was nasty, malicious and thought that her way was the only way. She met her match with me, but it took me some time to stand up to her and when I did she cut all ties with me. Just me, not DH or DS. I became an outcast; my name was left off greeting cards and in any 'get together' I was excluded.

I, too, suffered with anxiety. That's not good for you and your baby and dh. I would keep my distance, and choose when YOU want to engage. Not cut them out completely at this stage, but just a partial no contact, it may help.

Above all, do not feel guilty about any decision you make. Learn to put yourself first from time to time, and enjoy your 'me' time to the full.

It is always hard on a forum like this as we only hear one side of the situation; but, taken at face value, it seems that the healthiest thing for this DIL to do is accept that her MIL does not like her, support her OH in his contact with MIL, and protect her child from harm - and keep out of it as much as possible.

So much advice here! But actually, I think you need to do what feels right for you at this time, as you’re clearly very stressed and anxious. I think you should explain to your husband (again) that you can’t cope with seeing them at the moment and that he needs to convey that to them. This is a time for him to support you. Perhaps he could visit them with your child, if he wants to...and you stay at home. If they come to your house, don’t reply to the door...or to any messages etc. All these high emotions need to calm down, otherwise it will all continue, even escalate. It doesn’t mean that things can’t improve in the future...but right now, it’s reached the point where you have to think of yourself. So, don’t go over past stuff, don’t argue with anyone, just say how you feel..and what you want..and leave it at that.

As it seems they have proved incapable of respecting your opinion on anything so far, my advice would be:
* only visit or have them to visit you when your husband/your mother is there 100% of the time to support you.
* if they do anything you are uncomfortable with at their house then leave straightaway and tell them why. If it happens at yours then tell them they cannot be invited again until they can ensure the same behaviour does not happen again
* pick the important battles to fight i.e. safety aspects-only hold baby when sitting, no food not approved by you, no kissing on mouth, sticking to bedtime routine etc.
* tell them if their behaviour does not improve you will have to consider moving out of the area.
I'm really sorry your life is like this when you should be at your happiest and your family most supportive. I had a good relationship with my MiL but I was always firm on what I considered acceptable and had a supportive husband who held the same standards. She accepted I was insistent on certain things like no smoking in the house/car, no running off in the street etc. but I ignored things like her buying sweets etc. whenever my child asked for them. My daughter just knew that was what nanny did, but I didn't. I was the strictest mum out of their 3 DiLs and they could see my girls were the best behaved and had the best standards as they grew up and they also had the most fun.

Mine has gone now but I always tried to keep a spare County between me and her. Worked admirably

I can see you want the best for your family and you're looking for a harmonious solution. There's nothing wrong with you. You sound a nice person who has been brought up with good manners. Like me, you might be on the sensitive side, which is no bad thing. I've had to put up with 2 bullies, my sister-in-law and her husband for many years. Luckily, I see a lot less of them now. It's always hard to confront an aggressive person. I tried to stand up for myself, but it led to the other party going into a massive rage and she tried to hit out at me. My best advice for you is to try an assertive class. See if you can work things out in a non-confrontational way. I went to a few classes and it helped. Even if I found it hard to use the techniques and speak out at the time I was being put-down, at least I was fully aware of the motives of the aggressor. This gradually increased my confidence and made me more in control. There's still a chance you can put things right!

I can relate. I wish I had been so much firmer from the beginning, but I was brought up to respect elders. I’m telling u what I learned from assertiveness classes. Have one short phrase planned, and practice it. Eg. }” that is unacceptable to us “. Or .” Please do not do/ say that” . What Luckygirl says is good advice. Because u r partner is on your side u will succeed. Get him to say the same phrase, don’t go into explanations because that dilutes the effect. Then walk away with baby, even if only into another room. Keep doing it, it’s called the broken record technique. You must not let them treat u like a doormat, they will walk over u forever. Good luck.

When someone crosses your personal boundaries without your permission they are disrespecting you.

From your post, your MIL seems to have no concept of boundaries and has crossed, no....actually trampled on yours, repeatedly. This is your house, your baby and your rules when it comes to parenting, housekeeping etc. If she tries to undermine you, criticize you, or run your household/take over your baby without your consent, she is trespassing.

You and your DH need to sit her down and have a talk with her. You both need to 'educate' her so she understands about respecting boundaries and why she's behaving badly.

If after a few weeks, there is still no improvement, remind her of your talk. You may want to offer incentives first to see if she improves. If not, give her an ultimatum. Let her know (in no uncertain terms) that if she doesn't change her ways, there will have to be consequences.

What a nightmare! I have no advice that hasn’t already been said here. I’d be inclined to avoid your MiL like the plague for my own peace of mind. I must have been incredibly lucky, I’ve been married twice and have had two of the most wonderful, loving MiLs on the planet. Good luck ?

What a nightmare! I have no advice that hasn’t already been said here. I’d be inclined to avoid your MiL like the plague for my own peace of mind. I must have been incredibly lucky, I’ve been married twice and have had two of the most wonderful, loving MiLs on the planet. Good luck ?

Your husband must tell her that if she continues in the same manner then she will not see any of you. He must stand his ground whatever her reaction. He must tell her she abides strictly to your rules or contact will be stopped. No messing about here. If she is then nasty to you, remember you hold the ace in the pack - DD and really strongly stand up to her and reiterate your husband's (hopefully stance). Very good luck.

Your husband must tell her that if she continues in the same manner then she will not see any of you. He must stand his ground whatever her reaction. He must tell her she abides strictly to your rules or contact will be stopped. No messing about here. If she is then nasty to you, remember you hold the ace in the pack - DD and really strongly stand up to her and reiterate your husband's (hopefully stance). Very good luck.

Oh dear. You seem to have my contribution in duplicate. Sorry.

Oh dear. You seem to have my contribution in duplicate. Sorry.

Don't know why my comment appears twice

Don't know why my comment appears twice

Some people seem to have a very odd idea of their role as a grandmother, she will never change so just stay away as much as you can, there is no need for you to give out invitations for them to visit you - why would you. Cry off visits to them for a bit let everything calm down. If they phone you be pleasant but evasive, if your husband wishes to have a conversation with his mother about her attitude that is up to him,where is your family in all this?

Some people seem to have a very odd idea of their role as a grandmother, she will never change so just stay away as much as you can, there is no need for you to give out invitations for them to visit you - why would you. Cry off visits to them for a bit let everything calm down. If they phone you be pleasant but evasive, if your husband wishes to have a conversation with his mother about her attitude that is up to him,where is your family in all this?

Some people seem to have a very odd idea of their role as a grandmother, she will never change so just stay away as much as you can, there is no need for you to give out invitations for them to visit you - why would you. Cry off visits to them for a bit let everything calm down. If they phone you be pleasant but evasive, if your husband wishes to have a conversation with his mother about her attitude that is up to him,where is your family in all this?

Some people seem to have a very odd idea of their role as a grandmother, she will never change so just stay away as much as you can, there is no need for you to give out invitations for them to visit you - why would you. Cry off visits to them for a bit let everything calm down. If they phone you be pleasant but evasive, if your husband wishes to have a conversation with his mother about her attitude that is up to him,where is your family in all this?

lovely ladies op is saying that all her husbands family are horrible, the entire lot, so it's not just her m.i.l she want's rid of, it's all of them! Not surprising he feels angry sometimes is it! I wonder why she married him, if he, in her words, comes from such a rotten family.

lovely ladies op is saying that all her husbands family are horrible, the entire lot, so it's not just her m.i.l she want's rid of, it's all of them! Not surprising he feels angry sometimes is it! I wonder why she married him, if he, in her words, comes from such a rotten family.

This is an inordinately nasty situation which needs careful attention. The more your treatment by all of them deteriorates and the more you mention this to your partner the more he is likely to misjudge the whole matter, even to doubt what you say.

Therefore you need evidence. For that you will have to set up a recording system with microphones hidden in strategic places. As they appear determined to separate you three you will have to brace yourself, first by replaying recordings to your partner and then again with them and your partner in the same room.

This may seem draconian but the alternative will be more and more unhappiness, even worse. You must take control and fight for what you want - which is the three of you left alone until and unless they are forced to stop this evil disparagement.