Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

Your clearly a very difficult women smileless.. read the thread and you'll understand why OP was advised by many posters to cut our her mil

Actually bugsy what's impressed me about the over whelming majority of responses on this thread is the advice for the OP to have no contact with her m.i.l. but not for her husband to cut his mother out.

And no, I'm not a very difficult woman just because I don't agree with you. Anyway, I thought you weren't going to post anymore.

I'm sorry but no way I would put myself in your situation. Why are you walking into the lion's den? Yes, your DD should have a relationship with her dad's family but if they're so mean to you he needs to make time for you ALL to go there together. You need to put you & your DDs safety, well being, health & happiness FIRST. By going there you are sort of giving them permission to carry on treating you like rubbish. Why are going to spoil your 1st Christmas with DD because of them? I hope it gets better.

Smileless, here is the extract you refer to where the OP said :

"Another suggested that I am just whinging and should be the better person? I'm not trying to be rude when I say this but how would you like me to respond? Should I accept that she treats me like this and just continue to allow it? Should I let her get away with putting my child at risk? "

Clearly the question about putting the child at risk was meant rhetorically with the intended answer "No." .

I'm one of those who advised the op to back away a bit from her mil, but I didn't suggest cutting her out altogether. I just suggested that op stop trying so hard, as it isn't working.

Sometimes when one person steps back, the other moves forward. Maybe if op lets go a little, her dh will make more effort to include his mom. Or mil and family will make an effort to see gd at mutually convenient times. If mil suspects that op has backed away because of her (mil's) bad behavior, perhaps mil will consider honoring parental requests from then on.

I think some gps feel as if they don't have to watch out for their gc's health and safety because they're not the parents. Some of them feel that as a gp they can do whatever they want and leave the worrying up to the parents. Op's mil could be like this.

But I don't believe she deliberately "coughed all over" baby. It probably happened involuntarily. The problem is, imo, that she chose to be around baby, knowing she had a virus. But some gps, I think, are very selfish when it comes to their gc. They are so busy getting their needs ( to see and hold baby, etc) met that they don't think about their gc's health, etc. I'm NOT saying ALL, but there are a few like that.

If she has gone as far as to try to interfere with op's job as well as endanger her baby, op needs, imo, to keep herself and her baby away from her as much as possible. Of course, that will hurt mil, but she will have brought it on herself by being a detriment to them both. This is not the same, Yoga and Smielless, as your own situations, and I hope you can see that.

And yes, she has mentioned the rest of dh's extended family, Yoga, because it seems they have all been difficult and disrespected her as the mother. She needs a break from all of them, imo. Again, their doing, not hers.

Op, I definitely think you need to steer clear of mil. Don't try to interfere with dh's relationship with her - that's up to him. But I would object to his taking gd to see her, unless you can trust him to keep baby in his sight the whole time and leave if he sees anyone is ill.

If mil or any of her relatives fight his efforts to protect gd, then, he can co them if he feels it's necessary. If it comes to that, it will be your ils' own fault.

Madgran OPs posts is sooo over the top with everything and includes all her husbands birth family, she is on here getting the advise she wants; which is CUT THEM ALL OUT! All her talk about ^ I really don't want to cut them out^ is 'smoke & mirrors^ Being cut out myself I can easily see straight through this propaganda against all her in-laws. I think the OP has mental health problems, read her post again.

This is a forum for Grandmothers to get help and advise from their fellow Grandmothers, in times of stress & hurt. What are you all doing? Just like when Christ was put on the cross!

Jalima What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller

No it doesn't Jalima

Yoga I feel that you may be the one in need of help for mental health issues. You have a support thread - stick to that for your own issues rather then projecting vile all over OP's thread.
You keep referring to the fact that OP has problems with other in-laws (& seem to indicate that this means it must be OP that has the problem) but surely in situations like these families take sides and maybe the other in laws have wrongly taken the side of their relative - the mil.
Surely you can understand this as I know your son has also cut you off as you state he has wrongly taken the side of your daughter and son in law.

You either have tunnel vision or your simply mad as a hatter.

Starlady you have a lovely way of expressing yourself (much better then I do). And your advice is exactly what I would say to OP. I really hope she isn't sat at home now, having read some of the other comments, thinking that she is to blame or that she deserves the treatment she's received from mil. I truly hope that therapy guides her through such a stressful time and I believe we all need to remember this is a new mother struggling in a difficult situation

{tchgrin] you do make me laugh bugsy

Rhetorical or not Farnorth, it's a strange question to ask when obviously the answer is 'no'.

I agree Starlady that there will be some GP's who think that the safety and well being of their GC is the responsibility of the parents, but that is still a long way from deliberately putting a GC at risk. With regard to the coughing incident that was my initial thought, that the GM may have coughed involuntary rather than coughing all over the child.

Sadly, there are one or two on here who see the situation from their own prospective and want to label all DIls as she devils.
I understand that MIL is from a different culture and expects the defference and respect that a matriach expects. This is not the middle ages and DIL has the right to feel comfortable in her own home and not be bombarded with unwanted "advice".
I think the OP is doing all the right things and being polite to boot, anybody treated my babies like that I would have ripped their heads off.

Perspective

No it doesn't Jalima
Well, perhaps not for all but yes in some cases Yogagirl

The OP last posted on Thursday 30th November at about midday, having clearly received enough advice to help her make up her mind on the path she means to take. For the last three days it has just been other posters arguing over the issue.

I wasn't arguing, just correcting a statement which purported
to be an absolute truth!

Harrigran I couldn't have said it better myself.

I've just read back and feel uneasy about the abuse yogagirl is getting. I think she has some valid points on the whole she is a supporter of grans on gransnet...and I like her point about the loathed MIL appealing to us? every story has its side - there aren't black and white issues

I agree that not all d's.i.l' are 'she devils' Harrigran and I have never said that they are then again, not all m's.i.l. are either. Perhaps those that are so quick to put all the blame on m's.i.l. are themselves seeing the situation from their own perspective.

In the 5 years of posting on GN especially on the estrangement threads Rocknroll5me, I have seen some appalling posts directed at mothers and GM's who have been cut out of their children's and GC's lives. At one point an entire thread was deleted because of the nastiness. I think that Yogagirl's point about "the loathed MIL" being appealing to some is a pertinent one.

When a d.i.l. complains about her m.i.l. she is generally believed, but when it's a mother and GM who has been CO and regards her d.i.l. or s.i.l. as the instigator, she is often told that she must have said or done something; that it must be her fault. The advice generally given by those fortunate enough not to be in this terrible situation is to 'be the bigger/better person', 'apologise even if you've done nothing wrong'.

I have seen countless posts from m's.i.l. who talk about walking on egg shells and/or biting their tongues for fear of saying anything that may cause offence. Even posts from GM's exhausted by the child care they are giving but are afraid to say anything in case all access to their GC is denied.

It is often the case on numerous threads Elegran that the OP stops posting at some point and others continue to argue about the issue. I don't see why this thread should be any different.

Well Rocknroll how very refreshing to read your post & thank you - for Smileless too of course

Bugsy I'm truly perplexed as to why you keep banging on about my Son, You do it on all threads I hardly mention my Son, owing to the fact that if I do don't understand why he's done it, no one else will, and of course there would then be the finger pointing to boot

When my Son first went to Uni, I didn't need to worry about him drinking himself under the table, as students are well know for, as my Son never drunk. Even on special occasions, I would give him half a glass of champagne, he would take a sip for the toast & leave the rest, he didn't like alcohol I equated that with never touching or liking drugs, but I was wrong there, he did dabble in them [unbeknown to me]

If you know my story, you would know my nasty s.i.l started taking drugs from the age of 13yrs. I deduce, that with my nasty s.i.l putting his arm round my Son's shoulders and saying we're brothers, you & I, brothers need to stick together and with sharing drugs I've been told creates a bond of drug brothers So for these two reason I think my Son was taken over, coupled with the fact he really missed his Dad when he left us & his stepdad, he really loved them both & he doesn't have a brother of his own, so missed male company.

My Son was a good, kind & loving Son to me, the same with his eldest sister. He would come home from Uni and pick me up and give me a kiss and say he loved me. He is 6ft 4ins and me 5ft 2ins Myself & my niceD, say all the time, that we just cannot understand why he has done this

"Madgran OPs posts is sooo over the top with everything and includes all her husbands birth family, she is on here getting the advise she wants; which is CUT THEM ALL OUT! All her talk about ^ I really don't want to cut them out^ is 'smoke & mirrors^ Being cut out myself I can easily see straight through this propaganda against all her in-laws. I think the OP has mental health problems, read her post again."
Yogagirl Thankyou for replying directly to my comment. I have read her post again and I don't recognise what you describe in terms of smoke and mirrors; you say that you can see through it...I think that is a massive assumption. I am a MIL who certainly "walks on eggshells " at times and I have an on going fear on CO, as I have referred to on other threads so I am painfully aware of many of the pitfalls etc. I have been shocked by some of my DILs behaviours over time, although I have never and will not detail them on this forum,. However that does not make me assume that in this case the DIL is lying/exaggerating or anything else! I do think your point about this MIL potentially asking for advice on GN is relevant and thought provoking. I don't agree with CO as a piece of advice and have not advocated it for the OP or anywhere else on GN. I suppose we are just looking at this one differently and that's the way it is

I'm sorry Madgran that your relationship with your d.i.l. continues to be tenuous and that you continue to live with the fear of being cut out.

I hope that things improve which is a possibility as long as there is still contact.

When I said should I let her get away with putting my child at risk that was retorical, as I was responding to a poster who advised me to be the bigger person and let it go as such. Secondly yes my MIL has raised children, you would assume that she would know to keep children away from viruses, especially as a newborn her thinking is that babies need to build their immune system and she believes that exposing them to illness is a way to do that. As for her trying to walk around holding DD even though she cannot walk unassisted (she has some pretty serious knee issues she's having surgery soon to try to correct) I can't understand why she tries to do this she knows how bad her stability and mobility is yet she doesn't seem to care, I haven't actually asked her why she tries to do this.

Also the only mental health issues I have is post partum anxiety and panic attacks, yes that can cause small things to seem really huge but I can recognise when that is happening and realise that it's not actually a big deal