Fair shares

Agreed Heather51, what has happened to gransnet? A great many posts seem to have nothing to do with being a grandparent, just a forum for people who have nothing better to do than generally whinge and rant about life. It’s neither useful nor pleasant for anyone to read about grumpy old fogies sounding off.

As for guilt, you are the sort of person who has it or not, regardless of your actions. But I can’t help but think that it is the less caring of us who have no guilt, justified or not.

Is it a mother’s /granny’s place to feel guilty whatever I do?
Yes, it is part of our genetic programming

But don't feel guilty - just say 'well, DD1 or 2 asked first - sorry, darling.'

Well said Monica. I make a decision based on time, energy, or money and that is it. Sometimes I feel sorry I couldn’t do something for someone as I would have enjoyed doing it. But guilt no. I would feel guilty if I kept a purse full of money I found or something else that was morally wrong but otherwise no.

Sorry, Maw, my comments were not meant to be personal, but you have twisted what I said. I did not say anything about not treating children fairly. We certainly do, but being fair does not mean doing exactly the same thing for all in every circumstance and at the same time. It often means equivalence and balancing over time.

What I have no time for is indulging in useless guilt. What is the point of it? where does it get you? It certainly doesn't solve any dilemmas. I may be a woman but I am certainly not programmed to feel guilty, nor do I have gland for it.

Guilt is something I feel when I know that by action or inaction I have done something wrong and it is followed by making what reparation I can for my wrong behaviour. I will always continue to regret my actions but wallow in guilt I will not. To often guilt is used as an excuse for self-flagellation rather than positive action to right a wrong.

Some women, and this is not personal to anyone, seem to get a perverse pleasure from feeling martyred, it seems to give them a sense of self worth. I find that incomprehensible.

MawBroon - if neither one of your DDs is making any noises about you prioritising one over the other when it comes to babysitting, I would have another glass of something comforting and forget all about your own fear in this respect, as the guilt you feel has no basis. If there were comments made like 'oh you've done it for x so I expect you to do it for y' then that would be a different matter. In my case we have two GCs (my DD's) living a few mins walk away and have since their birth been on hand for every babysitting call, school/walk/run as required. Equally, we've been present at school assemblies and plays etc., etc. All easy to do. However, we have another, much young GC (stepdaughter's) who we love dearly but she is 350 miles away and already there are comments being made like the ones above - so the guilt is being laid on even before that child goes to school and appears in things that we would have gone to had we lived around the corner. How to handle this is a tricky one.

Hi Maw, I only meant sharing baby sitting arrangements rather than sharing your whole life. I do know how you feel. My daughter lives in Bristol and I'm in Northumberland so regular baby sitting is impossible. Moral support is over the phone which isn't ideal either. I have to make arrangements for my dog to be looked after when I go there, too. I sometimes wonder how I coped with three children and I have to remind myself that she's not me...

Maw - I'm with you, whether we call it guilt or some other feeling, I do feel torn if one of mine ask me to have their toddler overnight, only to find I'm already having their sister's toddler that night. They have got much better at checking with each other "are you going to x party, have you asked mum to have b". Luckily, there are other grandparents and aunties living near by so there is usually someone happy enough to do some overnight or day care.

Don't let a couple of comments upset you Maw, life has thrown enough challenges at you in recent times x

Totally agree with your post Maw.

MAWBROON and others. This really touches a sensitive chord for me. My first ever post a few months ago was about saying no and how difficult it was to do. I think a lot of ladies of a certain generation have been brought up to be acquiescent and put the needs of others first (second and third). I had not heard the phrase “people pleaser” before. As mums I suspect many of will always put our DC and family before ourselves. I do and I do not want to change for family but certainly learn to say no outside that. I am with you when I cannot spread myself thinly enough. There are some things even mums nd grandmas cannot do. Yes I feel guilty often but that’s my/our? lot. Sometimes, I have to say”sorry, not this time”. I don’t think I will ever manage to omit the “sorry”. I AM sorry/guilty when I cannot stretch to everything.

Guilt's a funny thing. Sometimes there's no reason whatsoever to feel guilty but it can gnaw away
at us. You can't be in two places at once, can you? Again, try not to beat yourself up about it.

Thank you luzdoh, and also the other two G’netters who have posted such kind and lovely replies.
It’s true, children find it very difficult not to idolise their absent fathers, no matter how they behaved.
On the few occasions when I have tried to explain my feelings to my children, they always say “Stop living in the past!” Yet it seems they have no problems about reciting the string of injustices they were subject to.
I sometimes feel like having a good shout, but I’m not sure it would achieve anything. My eldest son seems to understand, and says it’s better to leave sleeping dogs lie. He’s a wise lad and is a source of strength to me.

I think the quote from Beejo sums it up. Even if I looked after everyone all day all week I'd still find something to feel guilty about!

sluttygran I am so sorry! It's a terrible predicament. I understand very well, my late husband was extremely cruel. I had to Separate in the end because his machinations were impacting on the children but in ways they did not realise were because of him. Now they are parents themselves they seem to think he was a wonderful father and a good man. He could do the chameleon trick, but he never paid for anything they had, clothes, birthday presents, holidays, including holidays he came on, music lessons, hobbies - not anything! I had to find money by working to provide for everything. Yet they think he was lovely and I was tough. I really understand. I try to keep going without dwelling on it. They simply do not understand. They do not want to think their father was a very mean and cruel narcissistic man. I think it scares them After all, they share his genes. So I try to keep it out of my mind. God knows the truth. Although they are adults and parents now, my children in respect of their father are still children - they do not understand.
Take care of yourself my love. There are lots of us who know what this is like, you are not alone.

You’re so right ‘Sodapop’... all us women are programmed from birth to think it’s ‘our job’ to look out for everybody and to subjugate ourselves to everybodies needs over our own.It took me until I was 60 to realise that it didn’t have to be like that! I took a decision to learn to say ‘NO’. I take and fetch GC from schools twice a week...look after when they are sick .... have them to stay over. But when this interferes with my life and/or health I say ‘no’. It’s a hard lesson to learn but I’ve got there. My daughter fully understands as she’s an independant feminist herself ...and she appreciates any help I give.I will not change my plans unless an emergency now.....and then I will always be there. You must remember it’s YOUR life and it can’t be at someone e else’s beck and call. That includes husbands!!

MawBroon Oh Maw! Before I read your predicament, having only read the question/heading, I was entirely in agreement and sympathy! I think when you love them so much, as you clearly do, you just can't help agonising over whether you are keeping a fair balance between all of them. Of course it is impossible to treat everyone exactly the same and your lovely DDs seem to appreciate this as they have not said anything. Maybe just say to them how you feel, but keep it light, sort of, silly old Granny, loves them all madly and equally, would never hurt them, is feeling guilty, wants to be fair to everyone but sometimes it's impossible to be in two places at once, and you hope they understand. I am sure they do!
Good luck my love, you've had a very hard year and are sure to be feeling very sensitive. Look after yourself.

sluttygran could you talk to your children about how you feel. Not in a big sit down let’s discuss way, more a drop in a relaxed conversation way. I felt guilty about somthing I once did to my eldest son and I mentioned how I felt when we were out walking. I apologised and he reassured me and even though he felt no apology was needed he took my apology at face value. It lifted a weight off my shoulders and in someways made us closer.

Sluttygran You had the strength to get out of two violent/abusive relationships and I expect you got that strength from your love for your children and your wish for them to have a childhood free from the threat of violence. There is no 'stability' to be had for children where violence is present in their home. Unchecked violence always escalates, leading to serious injury, even murder or at best the arrest and imprisonment of the perpetrator. You removed/protected your children from that environment.

As to making bad choices of partner, in all my years as a WA Worker I never met a woman who had married a man who had already been violent towards her. The story was always the same - utterly charming until the ring was on the finger or the 1st child was on the way.....

I am also a guilt specialist. My children didn’t have the easiest of childhoods. I left ther father because of his violence, then stupidly married again - to another violent man! I divorced him too - I had no choice.
Naturally the children suffered more than I did, but it seems that I am considered the scarlet woman of the family and that it was mostly my fault. I am told that I should have stayed in my abusive marriage to provide stability - I am left feeling extremely guilty and also very angry.
In these later years I am my children’s willing slave. I would do anything in my power to help them, including lots of babysitting my precious Grandbabies, but of course it won’t make up for the pain of their early years.
Not a day goes by that my insides don’t churn with guilt and I have no idea how to cope with it. I can’t think of anything which would make up for the bad years, so I’ll just have to keep hoping!

I think feeling guilty is just the downside to wanting to do your best for your children and grandchildren. And we all want to do what's best for them. While the guilt makes you try and juggle things round to best advantage to all (good thing), when you've done that, let it go. You are being a good gran/mum

Btw I have three grandchildren one 4 year old I see every day and look after regularly and two who live 350 miles away I see twice a year. Oh how I wish I could look after them all! I feel guilty I don’t live by the other two to offer a well needed hand with them. We really can’t be in two places at one time. We just have to do the best we can.

I’ve only just joined GN and I feel very sad that I thought a forum of Grandmothers would love to banter and pass on their life experiences with each other and have some fun whilst doing it. Life is very short and we are all very different people but we are also human and sensitive to what we think is criticism. There’s enough vitriol on social media for the rest. I was hoping this would be a haven of understanding ladies.

Beejo that is brilliant!
Yes I m always feeling guilty about different things with my 3 children and now Grandaughter as well!
Oldest daughter now 40, was so like Grandaughter is but in those days we were stricter and she got told off more and smacked.
Especially guilty when they get older as when they are younger it's so much easier to make their world wonderful and trouble free. When they get older it's harder to help solve their problems -money , relationships or lack of aand work probs. Still do the best we can.!

Mawbroon: so agree with you about such rudeness on here at times, so unnecessary. We will never all agree with everything that’s posted, but why be so rude about it. This should be a healthy constructive forum that anyone should feel ok to brooch any topic. I have often wondered if it makes people feel better about themselves by trying to put others down ?? I have 5 grandchildren, 4 need supervision for school hols, so I very often have them all. Sometimes logistics and other issues get in the way, so I just tell my 3 kids to sort it out among themselves and get back to me !

I don’t feel guilty about what I do or don’t do for my children and their children. But having read the previous comments, I’m beginning to feel guilty about not feeling guilty!?

Heather51
I agree with you. I have read a lot of threads and have occasionally thought of adding a post. Nowadays, though, I find that I am increasingly reluctant to get involved as I am not sure it is possible to choose my words carefully enough to avoid a snipe. I suppose that could be an activity in itself