Dil won’t let me be grandma

Loving a grandchild and wanting to spend time with that child is normal and understandable, especially when it's the first one. I don't see any bad faith here...I see a new grandmother who like many of us, has made some 'rookie' mistakes. It's not always easy to abide by so many disparate 'rules' that govern MILs and their adult children's families. Misunderstandings are the invariable culprits.

Sadgrandma, you will be a lot happier if you lower your expectations. Rule no. one is that in the scheme of life, most of us (grandma's) get downgraded along the (power) hierarchy. Another sad fact is that DIL will give preferential treatment to her own family and look to those who raised her whenever she wants guidance.

So, if you have any semblance of a good relationship with DIL now, don't jeopardize what's left of it with grievances....instead work on improvements to make it better.

Engage your son if you must, but tread lightly. Diplomacy is the key here, so bide your time quietly and enjoy your grandchild whenever you can. When the next one comes along, things should get easier.

I have a friend who is a good-hearted person, but is extremely pushy and persists in giving ‘good’ advice which is unwanted and only succeeds in annoying people. She has alienated her two daughters-in-law who no longer see her, so she has no access to her 3 grandchildren. She also has a daughter, who is married with three young sons. My friend has bent over backwards to help her daughter out with the baby-sitting although the family live 40 miles away. Now they are going to move to the West Country, so she will hardly ever see them. I think that her son-in-law has also found her extremely heavy going, so he isn’t too sad to be moving away. I feel very sorry for my friend, but she has brought it on herself, really, by being so bossy and interfering even though she thinks she is being helpful. This should possibly be a lesson for you, Sadgranma, that you could lose all contact if you don’t back off.

That's the thing with grandchildren, they can move to the other side of the world and us grandparents have no control over it, nor should we.

Grandchildren are to be enjoyed in the moment.

And as for advice...
Do you, OP, not remember all the unasked for advice you were given as a new mother?

My dd breastfed her baby and you would have thought that was capital sin to hear her paternal relations talk. She loves them dearly, fortunately enough, but they put her through the mill on this issue.

I think you expect far too much from your daughter in law and you need to take a step back. Your son will always take her side so you must accept what she wants if you want to see your grandchild at all. She will naturally want to see her mother over you and as you are retired, you are probably too old to be looking after a baby/toddler. I feel that you are very lucky to see them on Christmas Day so make the most of it and treat your daughter in law with respect - she knows best where her child is concerned!

Sorry, I have to agree with the majority. You do appear to be overbearing and what I would call hard work. If my MIL had been like this I would have distanced myself from her.
You need to take a step back.

Firstly, don't offer your advice unless asked.

I now only see my MIL with my husband present as she just doesn't respect my parenting. She also gets annoyed because if I need child care, she isn't the first one asked but at the end of the day, as parents we ask who we trust the most and for me, that's my mum and my godmother.

If you carry on with this attitude, she'll push you away even more as I know for me, I just couldn;t be dealing with someone's sense of entitlement over my child.

It seems your attitude which is wrong, not your DIL. I have 3 grandchildren and would never presume that they spend time just with me. I never changed their nappies when they were younger, that wasn't my place. They have also never slept over at my house on their own. It doesn't bother me at all.
This child is not your child, he is your grandchild, and as such it is up to your son and DIL in how they deal with things. You sound entitled and overbearing.

Start having some respect for your DIL or may well find that you lose your grandchild altogether.

It does sound like OP sees the DiL as the GC provider and that really does irritate. My MiL said in my presence, a day or two before DD1 was born that she wanted to know when the baby was born and that SHE was ok. It laid the foundation for a very uneasy relationship which remains so today, 40 years later. As a MiL three times over I have always been careful but it is a very difficult path to navigate.

We have so many MiL /DiL tales of woe and many replies say the same thing. If you want to develop positive relationship with your DGC
1) Remember you are a just the grandparent & not the child's parent
2) Never offer advice and even when asked sound as if you are not sure if you are right!
3) Enjoy the time you are with your DGC, DS & DIL. Do not take umbrage or be grumpy!
4) Try to treat your DiL as a lovely person, an equal that you would like to be friends with.

I totally feel your bad What sort of English is that ? ?

I don’t think sadgranms will be coming back she obviously hasn’t heard the support she was expecting
Hopefully you will pick up some of the advice on here and look at this through others eyes and hopefully see that you have been expecting way too much of a new mum and new family
Enjoy your Christmas which you have been kindly invited to but what ever you do accept what you ve been offered and stop looking for more and more ownership of this baby boy

I totally feel your bad
Is it American English?

Of course, it could be an error of grammar:
'I totally feel you're bad'

(still grammatically incorrect of course)

Sadgranma while I agree with responses suggesting that you take a step back and are fortunate to be seeing your GC for some of time on Christmas day, the hostile and judgemental tone of some is really quite shocking.

The sometimes subtle changes in the relationship between a m.i.l. and d.i.l. when a child is born, may to some appear meaningless and paint the new GM as overbearing and demanding, but sadly can be the beginning of a gradual erosion of the relationship.

There's no reason why your d.i.l. should avail herself of your offer of free child care but a thoughtful explanation as to why, and appreciation of the offer, wouldn't go a miss.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for 6 years. I'm not suggesting that this is happening to you but having experienced the refusal of free child care, taking the baby out for a walk in the pram, changing a nappy and even seeing the baby splashing in the bath at bed time, I do understand your upset and concern.

I agree Bluebell that it's unlikely the OP will come back but not because she has hasn't had the support she was expecting, but because of the aggressive and judgemental responses which she wouldn't have expected.

There is a support thread on the Relationships forum for those who are estranged and even though you're not estranged, I know you'll find some support there Sadgranma.

I agree with the majority of posts too.

And what is it about the term 'grand baby' that makes me grit my teeth?

The term grand baby doesn't make me grit my teeth, but a lot of the replies to the OP did.

Sadgranma You appear as a lonely person with little in your life other than to control others. Given an inch when you wanted a mile ? Accept that your offer to help is not a rejection but the persons choice to do what they want
Is this your first grandchild ?then time to start learning.
ie Where is DH in this.?

Maybe there are similarities in Grandparenting styles to the OP’s, Smileless.

I agree with you, Smileless. As I said earlier, I do feel that the OP needs to step back a bit. But there are ways of saying things, and some posters seem to relish being harsh. I wonder if they'd speak to someone face to face like that when they were asked for help.

And the usual posts asking if it's a wind up. Against GN rules, of course, and not likely to make the OP want to come back any time soon.

Sadgranma you need to to take a huge breath and calm down before you ruin the relationship with your son's family.

You also need to dial down the melodramatic language of being "cast aside" - you currently see your grandson twice a month and seeing the family in the afternoon on Christmas Day which sounds like a fairly normal level of grandparent-grandchild contact.

For some reason you have set up huge expectations in your mind that you are going to be a substitute mother to your grandchild where you will be having him alone and feeding, bathing, and taking him to baby classes. This is not normal. It seems that don't seem to respect your DIL parenting her own child. You need to tone down your expectations

where's the 'facepalm' emoji when you need it ?

I wish someone would set some explicit ground rules about how to respond more humanely on these forums.

To begin with, judgmental comments are never productive. How can it help to criticize a distraught OP and make her feel worse than she already does?

Likewise ridiculing someone's grammar seems unkind. I understand there is a 'pendant's corner' for that sort of thing. Lastly, as an American living in the US, I do take exception when I see a derogatory 'jab' aimed at my country.... that is hurtful too.

Right or wrong, if someone asks for help, the last thing they need is to be berated in front of others.

I think the only problem lies is with you. My this, my that! It comes accross like it is your God given right to have XYZ! It isn't.

From what you have already said on here I totally get where your DiL is coming from about you being overbearing. I would add you have OTT expectations, are demanding and are controlling too.

Twice a month is fair enough for paternal grandparents. Yes I do have 2 adult sons with grandchildren for us.

Daughters will always do more with there Mom's. I have a daughter. I did with mine. It is the way it is.

If your DiL and son wants to put the baby in childcare that is your son and DiL prerogative. The reason your DiL doesn't want you around when your son isn't there is obvious. She can't cope with you and wants back up of your son around. She can't cope with you being overbearing and demanding.

It also seems that anything you don't agree with is your DiL fault. Your son and DiL make the decisions together as a couple.

There is absolutely no reason why they should come to your home on Christmas morning. It's not as if your not seeing them that day.

Our children are through us, not of us. This applies to Grandchildren too. They aren't your property.

You need to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself how you would have felt if the shoe was on the other foot.

Your actions if not tempered could lead to you losing all contact with all of them. Your son will choose his wife (rightly so) over you. You don't own any of them.

Your issues are defo around control. My ex deceased MiL was the same. She ended up with her son (the ex) walking away from her because of her treatment of us predominately. Take heed

Don't know what you mean icanhandthembackcould you be more explicit?

TBH Maggiemaybe I was wondering if some of the replies were a wind up.

"This is not normal" really Cold!! What's abnormal about a GM wanting to be involved her GC's life and to help with feeding and bathing?

Your, your, your! Definitely overbearing!

Likewise ridiculing someone's grammar seems unkind.

I totally feel your bad is a most peculiar expression, willa and not one most of us would understand, that's why I wondered if it was American English.
You say you are American and living in the States - but your post is perfectly written and understandable.
Perhaps I totally feel your bad was posted by a very young person. It's not that it is grammatically incorrect - it is just nonsensical.

and we have had one or two MIL/DIL threads posted by Americans on a very similar theme

Sadgranma, I know how you feel.
My d.i.l. has never, ever liked me or my family. She is an only child and right from the start found our loud family, overpowering. She is such hard work and doesn't make an effort. I am literally tired of always asking when can I see the children, when can I come? My son is so detached from the rest of the family as well.....well I suppose, I was hoping for a great love-filled family around me. I expected too much .