Dil won’t let me be grandma

That's a horrible post keffie and it's no surprise that you "totally get" where the OP's d.i.l. is coming from as your ex H cut out his mother, your ex m.i.l.

You can't be the grandmother of your SiL's child
I am!

I understand what you are all saying. But I am a loving mother and grandma. I would never hurt my grandchild. I have a safe clean home and am more able-bodied than dils own parents - yet I know they have watched the baby and I have yet to do so. It is absolutely unfair to withhold my grandchild from me when the other grandparents have unfettered access. That is wrong on so many levels.

Dil also hates my daughter so that doesn’t help the situation at all. My daughter never gets to hold the baby and dil is constantly taking the baby from our hands after 20-30 mins of holding him.

Hi Sadgranma,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Whatever you do, don't make this worse for yourself. I posted on GN when I was banned from seeing my grandkids 3 1/2 years ago. As my son said in an email 'We didn't have the kids for you.' No, that was not nice to read. But I took on board what others on here have said, regardless of who I honestly thought was right. The results is that I have no contact with GKDs. But I do have contact with overseas grandkids. I have now made a new life for myself without these family ties in uk. I'm not sad, I'm not bitter, it's just the way it is. But if things don't work out for you with your family, you CAN make a good life for yourself. There's voluntary work, book clubs, walking clubs, U3A, all sorts. I wish you all the best>

Of course you're a loving GM who would never hurt your GC Sadgranma and withholding your GC isn't wrong on so many levels it's wrong on all levels.

Try and take heart from the fact that there is some contact. We never held our GC for as long as 20 minutes. She would hover like a praying mantis and made Mr. S. feel so uncomfortable, he didn't like holding him at all.

Your d.i.l's. dislike of your D says a lot IMO. So listen up everyone or would some of you blame the OP or her d.i.l. not liking her D.

PS I've pm'd you Sadgranma hope you get it.

My advice would be not to offer advice.

Sorry Sadgranma but life isn’t fair and we all need to accept that! I agree with the poster who said make a life for yourself and find ways to enjoy life.

Being a grandparent is surely being able to give them back when they cry/ need changing/ throw up,etc. Be there for emergencies or when asked but don’t fret about how much time etc you have with the child. A baby won’t remember who changed its nappy. I’ve got 4 AC and 6 GC and can’t understand how anyone other than a parent would want to look after a newborn baby. Too much like hard work. However, just got back from a holiday taking 4 GC aged 8-12 away for a week absolutely exhausting but good fun. You can build a good relationship over time and it’s not a competition.

But smileless Sangranmahasn’t had any contact withheld she is even going to them for Christmas Day afternoon
Sadgranma how old is the baby grandson ? Is it their first child ?
Can you not see that if you hold back a bit and accept what is offered it will be ok just don’t try and ‘own’ the little one and maybe by the time he’s toddling around you ll be more in demand If you see your daughter in law as an enemy she may become one
In many cases sons mums will not have as much contact as the baby’s mums parents do, it’s just how it goes I look back and although I really really liked my mum in law it was always my own mum I went to and I also remember when I stayed with my in laws I was really really nervous about leaving my baby for a couple of hours although she was a nurse and had borne seven kids I really had to steel myself

Willa I certainly wasn’t ridiculing your language it was an expression I d never heard used and sounded very strange to me

Hi sadgranma,
Do you know that your DD is doing everything she can to be friendly to your DIL? (This doesn't apply if your DD is a small child, of course).

I ask because when I was younger, DH's sisters were lovely to me in front of MIL but behind her back they would make snide and pointed comments and once mocked me outright after I'd had a tragedy in my life. DH was furious and refused to speak to them afterwards, MIL blamed me for the family rift. When my DCs were born, I would not let his sisters anywhere near them. Things are not always clear cut.

I'm afraid your DIL is going to go to her parents for support and childcare and they are going to probably see more of your GC. That must feel very sad for you, but it's not wrong as such, it's just that it's natural she will go to her mum. I did this when my DC were young. I would only let MIL hold them for 5 minutes, then I would get so stressed and anxious I would take them back. It's not fair but I think if you're getting 20-30 mins you're not doing badly.

My advice would be to keep it bright and breezy and try to make a friend of your DIL as much as possible. Make her feel you want to see her and not just your son and grandson. She is the key to things improving and this is going to be the only way. As your grandson gets older, she will naturally be less protective and as long as you keep a friendly and relaxed attitude, things should improve.

My relationship with my MIL was poor when mine were babies, and looking back, we've been able to acknowledge that we both made mistakes. Both of us have learnt from them over the years. We get on really well now. I genuinely love her and now my children are grown they have their own relationship with her, which is unique and just as strong as with my mother. They arrange to see her all on their own.

Keep kind, keep friendly and play the long game. Don't get yourself cut out at this early stage.

Phew what a thread

But where to start. There is a lot of helpful comment here, most of which the OP does not want to hear. The interesting comment from her that " I understand what you are all saying shows that she is missing the point altogether - but appears unwilling to accept her own feelings may be misplaced.

There are times in life when we have to accept we are NOT the centre of someone else's life and the situation being discussed here would appear to be an example of this.

Being a grandparent is a privilege. It is not a right.

Sadgranma you really are as your GN name suggests.
Try to be happy.
For every negative you also have a positive.
Your grandchild (fingers crossed) is healthy.
He has a caring mother and father.
He has loving grandparents on both sides.
And an auntie who also loves him.
Your cup runneth over.

Look forward to your christmas visit.
Try very hard to be helpful with the washing up etc, if your son and daughter in law are cooking.
They will have had an early start whereas you will probably have been able to get up at your leisure with no cooking!

Be content with just seeing your grandson and be very smiley and of good cheer keeping your hands in your pocket and lips zipped Lol.
Praise your son and daughter in law as parents and hosts.

You could take some glove puppets and engage with your grandson without actually having him on your lap.
Little ones also like bubbles.
Can you get down on the floor and play with him and his toys.

You may well be pleasantly surprised that after a few visits your son and daughter in law will feel happier.

Sadly I think OP has missed the point and is still defensive, believing herself to be in the right and DIL the devil incarnate.
As an example of competitive grandparenting it is heartbreaking
“I am more able bodied than DIL’s parents”, “DIL hates my daughter and is constantly taking the baby out of our arms after 20-30 minutes. ‘‘
This baby is not a doll or a parcel in a party game! Allow a mother to know what is best for her baby, please!
I don’t know how old this baby is but as you may remember when you have carried your child inside you for 9 months letting go at all is difficult!
As for arranging child care that is their business - what part of back off do you not get?
You don’t get it at all do you?

I am sorry for my remark Maggie, but it beggars belief that a norma lwell adjusted grandmother would interpret being invited for Christmas dinner and all afternoon and holding the baby for half an hour at a stretch as being “cut out”.

I find it difficult to square that usage of “cut out” with the experiences narrated on the estrangement support thread.

If someone other than my child’s father was complaining about not getting to do intimate personal care of the child such as bathing and changing nappies, I would find that extremely odd. It would certainly not encourage me to accommodate further requests for “unsupervised” time with a very small, indeed apparently preverbal, child.

I am struggling to see how these fairly basic and normal boundaries in what sounds like a completely objectively normal grandparenting relationship amount to being “cut out” and “not being allowed to be a grandma”.

I really am having difficulty believing that anyone’s MIL behaves like this.

As I said before, how much time they spend with the other GPs is not your concern. We visit my parents 3 to 4 times a year. We visit Hubby's parents every few years as they live in the UK and we are in Canada. We simply can't have "fairsies". Have you considered that maybe they are spending more time with DIL's parents as a result of them having disabilities? Their life expectancy may well be shorter than yours. They may be trying to spend what time they can get with them.

Do not get involved in the dispute between your DIL and DD. You cannot mediate between two grown adults. Again, their dispute is not your concern.

As far as wanting to bathe and feed and change the baby, those shouldn't really be things a GP expects to do. They can offer, but then don't get upset if the parents say no. This is their child. Not the GP's child. They are under no obligation to let anyone else hold or care for their child.

I’m afraid OP definitely has missed the point and no amount of our persuasion or positive advice is going to remedy that ...

Being a grandparent is not a competition.

it beggars belief that a normal well adjusted grandmother would interpret being invited for Christmas dinner and all afternoon and holding the baby for half an hour at a stretch as being “cut out”.

Any well-adjusted grandmother would not put that interpretation on it.

Sadgranma....I feel so sorry for the situation you're in, and sorry for some of the responses you've had on here.

I was in the same situation a few years ago...my son got with a girl who had a child, and we babysat, bought the girl things, took her out, etc. Then, my son and the girlfriend had a baby together. I was thrilled as it was my 1st grandchild. The mother never once let either my husband or me give the baby a bottle, hold her, change her, babysit, push the pram, etc, Not once. Like you, we don't smoke, have a clean home, and are good people. We used to be invited to go round to their house once a fortnight (fair enough), but for one hour only. That all continued until they had a 2nd child. They split up when the 2nd baby was a year old. Then, my son had the children every other Sunday. Only then did we get the chance to give the baby a bottle, change a nappy, push the pram - the 1st child was 4yrs old by then.

Now, we see both children every other weekend (when my son has them both) and we go out with my son and his girls, go to parks, for meals, etc.

I hope that things get better for you, Sadgranma, BUT you must maintain a good relationship with your SON, above all else. He is pivotal in all this. Let them call the shots, and try not to be seen by your DIL as being critical or interfering. Good luck.

sadgranma I do understand that the excitement of being grandma & of wanting to share in the special moments e.g. bath time etc of your grandchild & from what you have said I do think your DiL could be a bit more thoughtful in inviting you for coffee every so often to see DGS but there are 2 sides to every disagreement.

If you have been an over-enthusiastic Granma maybe DS & DiL are not confident you will follow their routines and approaches which, as new parents, are VERY important to be kept.

I have 2 DDs and 4 DGC and it is true they see me often and I do far more support than other grandparents. However even though they are my DDs I respect their right to choose how to parent even if I am not in total agreement. So lips are zipped and advice only offered if requested! At celebration times I do not expect to be involved or invited … I have been, often, but length of time/meals/no meals etc varies to suit their plans not my wishes.

I have been reflecting on my relationship with my MiL when DD1 was born. She was low key, never offered advice just beautifully hand knitted matinee jackets, bonnets & bootees and the offer to do ironing if I felt tired and a shepherd's pie when I eventually got out of hospital! DH negotiated with my mum and his mum a 10 day support programme for me when I came home from hospital!
We visited them regularly ..easier that way as DH had a car they did not! but we did see my mum more often.

Maggiemaybe
You ask I wonder if they'd speak to someone face to face like that when they were asked for help
Yes I would and have.
My dearest friend had a problem with her daughter for years. I could always see the problem but never said anything, then one day the issues came up again in conversation: I told her straight what I saw as the 'problem'.
I could see the shock/ discomfort on her face but kept going.
She didn't say a word and after a while left. She came back to me a few days later and told me she had given my opinion a lot of thought and could see where their relationship had gone wrong. We hugged and she thanked me.
Fortunately we are so close that she knew my opinions were coming from a place of love for her and her daughter and the words just had to be said.

Bluebell sadly holding back and accepting what is offered doesn't always reap the rewards you might expect.

Holding back is turned on its head and becomes 'you're not interested in your GC', 'you don't care".

I feel for the OP. I feel for the AC, d.i.l. or s.i.l. who doesn't understand the importance that all GP's have in their GC's lives. I feel for the GC who are deprived of loving GP's whether entirely or because of limited and closely monitored visits.

I find the suggestions on this thread that the OP or any GP feeling as she does is not well adjusted, ill informed and cruel.

I find the overall tone of this thread distasteful and if this is the first experience of GN for the OP, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's her last.

As I understand it, the phrase 'My bad' is an Americanism which has (unfortunately) spread and means 'My fault'.

Jalima1108

In her first post The OP clearly refers to the SiL in question as a she, therefore sister-in-law.

Surely misprint for DIL it is, after all the next door letter on the keyboard.