Dil won’t let me be grandma

There is no doubt that daughters in law gravitate toward their own mother, however, perhaps your son is under your daughter in law's thumb.Have a quiet word with him and ask what is the problem.

Yes, that's it ....most men are under their wives' thumbs...my brothers certainly were. In my case I was under his thumb, until I rebelled.....so, he left me for someone else, but my word, hasn't he jumped from the frying pan to the fire. Serves him right?

crazy

There have been plenty of other "plain talking" replies on the thread, so I am sure you have by now gleaned the general consensus of opinion on the matter,

My own observation, and it's one that has been said a lot, is that you do seem to have a sense of entitlement over the child, and a deep resentment towards your daughter in law.

"doing every thing in her power to keep me away"
"She doesn’t invite me around when she’s on leave"
"And now she intends to keep my grandchild at home on Christmas morning when in the past she has come to my home to celebrate "
"She’s booked my grandchild into full time daycare"
"more alone time with my only grandchild"

There is no negativity voiced towards your son, only to his wife. I would say that your grandchild has two parents, and they have BOTH decided to put the child into daycare, they have BOTH decided to stay at home for Christmas morning, instead of (presumably) BOTH coming to your home for Christmas morning, and ultimately no grandparent has the right to have alone time with a grandparent. I assume your son is working, so maybe his priority is for him to have some alone with with his child.

I think you need to take a small step back, and accept that they are no longer "just" your son and daughter-in-law, but a little family unit of their own, and must be free to make their own choices.

I am assuming this is the baby's first Christmas, so it's all very exciting to the adults - to the child, not so much. Just another day, but with some lovely bright wrapping paper to play with.

You are going to see them on Christmas Day, so please, enjoy that wholeheartedly and don't let your resentment build any further, until it reaches the point of estrangement.

I feel your pain my gd is 7 and the same situation has gone on since day one I have seen her twice this year she lives 20 mins drive away! We are not allowed to go there theexcuses why not are unbelievable I have tried to reason with my son and dil but it falls on deaf ears I have now gave up cried too many tears over it .

Sadgranma, you ARE being allowed to be grandma though....
Just not how you seem to want to demand!!!
You have zero right to DEMAND anything from your son or dil regarding your grandson.
In your position I would back the hell off before you find yourself with NO contact with any of them. Your advice is clearly not wanted or needed, or it would be sought.
Really have a long think about what you do and say next. You may end up like some poor grandparents on here that don't ever get to see their grandchildren (often without good reason).

The advice to you on this threw sadgranna seems to be pretty consistent although some is a great deal more kindly and thoughtfully expressed than others!

I truly hope that you can take on board some wise words on here and also think very carefully about how you go forward. Enjoy your Christmas meal etc with your family ...that way it might happen again on some Christmases! Christmas does not have to be identical every year

I'm not seeing my only GC at all, never have done over family holidays, Christmas, Easter etc, or her birthday, they live not too far away. You are fortunate, count your blessings, it could be alot more bleak and sad for you..

Very sad situation. I think that so many women today feel that they have to be so independent that it makes them look weak or silly if they have help from outside. Maybe it has a lot to do with how she was brought up - maybe she was in a nursery from a young age ?
As far as Christmas is concerned - any reason why you can't go to your sons house in the morning ? It's such a faff to hoik up a baby, plus belongings and take them out and maybe you DIL just wants her child to have their first Christmas in his own home and things may well change for next year.

If she perceives your offers of help and advice as overbearing perhaps she has self confidence issues. Most new mothers do as it is quite daunting to feel the pressures of being seen to be able to everything right. I still remember how nervous I was with my own firstborn 40 years ago. It takes time to feel confident - give your DIL some space to grow into motherhood.

You need to look at your choice on d words and expression towards your DIL which if in her shoes would give me great insight as to why she doesn’t want you involved

My house is much cleaner than hers! (Petty and very childish response)

Christmas morning you won’t get a look in if DIL has “her way”

DIL hovers and dumps GC on ground to play with him? Is she a first time mum? Maybe she is nervous? Children can play on the ground?!? Not quite sure what you see as the issue here?

She fell asleep on the couch then demanded he was brought back to her? Sounds like an exhausted new mum who fell asleep and wanted the comfort of her own child?

If you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions, interpretation of DIL words I would expect the contact you do have will be cut short. You have made no reference to your son and his role in any of this. Stop blaming your DIL for your poor attitude, try and be nice , offer help not advice and calm down with the “my grand child” and you may find you are more welcome when you are less over bearing and entitled.

crazyh what is it that some parents do to their sons that prevents them becoming an equal partner in a relationship? The blame by some mothers of young men that bossy & controlling DiLs ruin relationships does beg that question. What attracted the lads to the young women? Some say men choose women like their mothers!

If your son or daughter marries someone who is emotionally abusive, there's really nothing you can do about it PECS.

Our ES was raised to be loving, kind and respectful. To value his self worth, to stand up for not just himself but others who are being ill treated. To value honesty and integrity but it seems that none of this prepared him for life with an emotional abuser.

Abusers gradually erode their victim's self esteem. Distance them from family and friends so that they're the only one who is 'there' for them. Apart from occasional contact with his older brother, our son has nothing to do with any of his family. Then there's the threat of not being able to see their children when the 'it's us (her and the children) or them' gauntlet is thrown down.

We don't know if our son is happy but let's assume that he is. His wife is nothing like me. I wouldn't suppose for one moment that he'd have been happier if he had married some one like me but I can say for certain, that he wouldn't have thrown away his family if he had.

You have the upper hand here and the tools to fix it. You know whats wrong, She has told you. She finds you overbearing. You don't like her and I imagine she isn't keen on you so why would she choose to spend time with somone who doesn't like her or gravitate towards someone who makes her feel criticized.

You are not being 'cast aside' you see them twice a month and are spending the majority of Christmas day with them. Your expectations are different to theirs maybe it's time to lower them.

If you want her to gravitate towards you more you need to actually like her and respect her.
She sounds like a normal first time mom and I can't see anything terrible she has done.

I am a mum to 2 young children and This thread popped on mumsnet yesterday, I originally stopped myself from commenting but then your comment Mammy rings so true in my situation.
This is the way my mil was with me she referred to my children as HER grandchildren and when I say that they were my children apparently no one says it and means it the way I do. She interpreted everything I said the wrong way and when I would try to explain would twist it and make it all about her to the point I would end up exploding at her (my way of dealing with situations unfortunately not just with her but most people!)
No one got a look in with my DS and my own mum used to joke that no one got hold of him but that’s how I am as a mum I like to do things myself and changing nappies and pushing prams in my job my DH didn’t even get to push our pram for a long time lol!
We have now not spoken to her for over a year after she wrote abusive letters to my DH and myself and told my DH he was bullied by me and to not cut all ties with them because WHEN everything goes wrong he wouldn’t have them to fall back on! The last time we were in their company she ignored everything I said to her like I just wasn’t in the room and to be honest that type of behaviour is not something Myself or DH would like our children growing up around. When I brought up that day she said no because I don’t actually want to speak to you... lovely!
I really do think that the OP should really take on board all of the comments and back off else you will loose your DS and GC like my MIL has and it’s not my doing at all her behaviour has pushed my DH away and he is the one that does not want contact not a controlling wife!

Fizzy, thanks for giving us a d.i.l's point of view. You certainly have an obnoxious m.i.l. But for the rest of us who have done nothing except love and cherish them, it's sad. One of my d.i.ls is also very "possessive" of the children and won't let anyone change their nappies etc, not even her own mother. So, thats fine.
I only wish she would bring them over to see me.......it's always me who has to ask to go over to see them. But if that's the only way, I can see them, so be it .

But Smileless2012 can you not see that this is a very different situation to your own?

The OP has not been cut out, she sees her GC and her son. She's spending the majority of Christmas Day with them. Her DIL isn't excluding her, she still spends time with her GC. Just not in the way she wants as she expects to be doing feeding and nappy changing and babysitting. She's not being stopped from being a grandma as those aren't things which are necessary for her to be a grandmother. I haven't let anyone (other than my partner) do those things with my DD, that doesn't make them any less her GP, or aunt or uncle. Not because I worried I would look 'weak' as a pp suggested, I just didn't need the help (she was an easy baby) and enjoyed looking after her, knowing I was going to be away from her once I returned to work part-time.

I understand there are situations where there is abuse which isolates sons from their families. But there are just as many situations where the MIL has pushed her DIL away, and probably far more situations where the son can't be bothered to contact his mom, doesn't arrange to see her and the family then gravitates towards the DILs side.

Thinking about it, I'd be interested to know if the baby is breastfed. That could explain a lot of the DILs actions (the OP not feeding the baby, the baby being on 'lockdown' with his mom).

Also, OP, for the daycare explanation. We chose daycare over family taking care of DD as if family were ill and unable to take care of DD we would have to take time off work, that's not an issue with daycare.

This thread popped on mumsnet yesterday
Oh!! Fizzy thanks for alerting us just how far these threads go.

It's the difference between introducing your DGC as 'My Grandchildren' when you have sole charge of them, as I did the other day but then continuing with 'they are DD and SIL's children or DS and DIL's children', to referring to them continually in a possessive way

why would anyone want to do nappy changing if they don't have to?

Just asking

(that is not to say I did not when I had the DGC but coping with a wriggling baby when you're getting older is not the best fun)

Yes Newmom I realise of course that the OP's situation is nothing like ours. My post was in response to PECS.

It's hard sometimes but we do need some balance. It isn't always the d.i.l. and son who are at fault, sometimes it's the m.i.l. and it isn't always the m.i.l. who is at fault either which is why another point of view like Fizzy's for example is good to read.

I find it quite shocking how some people behave and very sad when a m.i.l. like yours Fizzy throws away her relationship with her son, d.i.l. and GC.

Smileless, your post at 09.51 rings so true for me that it's scary. But our situation is a million miles away from this one, where my sympathies are entirely with the new mother (whilst respecting how OP feels).

Sorry Smileless I missed that part.

I think in a lot of situations it's both parties at fault. More down to personality clashes I think. In laws are thrown together and even though they all care about a mutual person they won't necessarily get on.

My mom is very different to me (very extroverted and overly emotional) but I just get on with her because she's my mom and I have to. I'm much more like my partner and quite private, my mom doesn't like that he's not overly chatty and doesn't want to sit with her for hours at her house or whilst she visits us (I don't particularly want to either!) but he's polite to her. Makes a cup of tea and some small talk then goes off to do his own thing, which I'm fine with and she thinks is rude. She expects him to completely change who he is to suit her expectations (which I wouldn't expect of him to do) but she doesn't think she should have to change her expectations of him at all. There's no compromise on her part, I suspect the OP is a lot like that.

Jalima according to my mom, changing nappies is part of helping them to bond with the baby. Personally, I think it's more about reliving their days as parents, sort of like playing mommy I guess.

Yes Dolcelatte I know our situations are nothing like the OP's and how similar our stories are. As you say, it's scary. We can only dream of seeing our GC at all.

When we had our first, my m.i.l. was very hands on with nappy changes and bottle feeding. She was the first one ever to baby sit our DS. I don't know who was more anxious that first time we left him for a few hours, me or her. Her I suspect. Of course we had nothing to worry about, she raised 5 of her own.

Unwanted advice is never welcome, especially when you're a new and nervous mum. Parenting styles change over the years but we did manage to raise our own children didn't we.

I also respect the OP's feelings Dolcellatte and think it's a shame that her feelings, whether warranted or not, are blighting what should be a happy time.

Newmom it sounds as if you and your partner are successfully navigating a difficult situation.

"What's abnormal about a GM wanting to be involved her GC's life and to help with feeding and bathing?"

Feeding and bathing children are things you do when they are in your care, not a right.

And yes, we all want to be involved in our grandchildren's lives, but that position is earned.

My MIL, even though I was separated from her son, was so supportive of me and my child, how could I not involve her? But she treated me as a friend, so I also enjoyed visiting her.

I understand your reference to " my grandchild" as you were narrating the story appropriately from your perspective and experience. Time alone is known as quality time and builds a bond for a relationship that benefits the child (unless you're an abuser or pedophile). Your feelings wishing to share love and affection are commendable as statistics demonstrate the benefits of such relationships. No such thing as too much love.