Dil won’t let me be grandma

I think that sil in first post was a typo. She meant dil.

The thing is, the OP hasn't been cut out. She's seeing her GC, spending almost all of Christmas Day with them. She's not being 'cast aside', she's just not getting her own way.

I have sympathy for those that have been cut off from families, I think it's unnecessary (other than in situations where a child is at risk, obviously). But that's not the case here at all, the OP wants more than is being offered. Being a grandparent is not a right, just because your child has a child you do not automatically get to feed/bathe/babysit them. That depends on the relationship between the adults involved.

And also, why is it always assumed it's the evil DIL at fault, not the son? If I were to try to push out my MIL then my DP would have enough of a backbone to stand up to me. So either there are some men who just can't be bothered to stand up for their mothers, or maybe they agree with their partners?

Maybe some of these MILs who have DILs who have 'cut them off' actually have sons who are just as responsible. Maybe they just use their partner as an easy excuse as to why they won't let their mothers babysit, I'm sure saying 'that's what my partner decided' is easier than admitting to your mother that actually you don't want her to have your child alone.

MY BAD: informal: used for saying that you accept that you are wrong or that something is your fault:
"You brought the wrong book." "Okay, my bad. I'll go get it."

I must lead a sheltered life

My bad - I should get out more.

But “I totally feel your bad”? What does that mean then?

Can we say 'I totally feel your good'?

"Dil won’t let me be grandma."

Sadly it's your expectations on being a grandma that are preventing you from being a grandma. . You had your turn to parent as you pleased. Leave your DIL to parent HER child the best way she sees fit.

Smileless op is not being cut out in any way though. So what if the dil doesn't like the dd, she might not be very likeable.
The op is seeing them most of the day Christmas day, yet she is nut happy with this. That absolutely shows how she behaves.

Op 30 mins is fine. Actually pretty long. Your dil is not an incubator for you. This is her child.

I also wouldnt accept long term regular child care from you op. Yes your house might be great but you are pushy. And that will lead to massive amounts of tension if you are providing childcare. It's will work better this way.

My only daughter emigrated to New Zealand when she was 17, got married and her first child was born when she was approaching 20. I was with her and her husband throughout the birth – a great privilege and quite a nervous time for me. Although I had been able to visit in the interim, I did not emigrate to New Zealand for another 14 years, during which time she had four more children.

Obviously, my son-in-law's parents had far more contact with their grandchildren than I did. Also, because they are New Zealanders and some ten years younger than ex-Mr absent and me, were named in my daughter's and son-in-law's will as guardians in the event of death. (I think they still are.) This was all, of course, eminently sensible, but I did feel an uncomfortable little tweak of rejection – which soon, and quite rightly passed.

Now I live some 15 minute's drive from absentdaughter's house, a five-minute walk from the younger boys' school, a 20-minute walk from the older girls' schools and a four-minute walk, even with a three-year-old, from number 6's pre-school. I see most of my grandchildren far more often and far more regularly than their other grandparents who live some considerable distance away. Do they feel deprived or resentful about this? Of course not because they know how valuable grandparents can be, they rejoice in visits from their grandchildren when they spoil them, play with them and do lovely things together that are special to that part of the family. Do I get upset when the children tell me what a wonderful time they had in Grandma's pool, when Grandad helped them roast marshmallows or how much they miss Grandma and Grandad. Of course not.

It's a bit like the slogan saying that dogs are not just for Christmas. Grandchildren are not just newborns. If things go in the normal pattern, they will become toddlers, children, adolescents, adults, parents and grandparents themselves, although we shall probably not be around to see and share all those stages.

You have to go with the times and the circumstances and be the best grandparent that it is possible for you to be – for all their lives, even if they decide to ignore or reject you. But grandchildren grow and develop their own ideas about life and eventually become adults. Do what seems loving, caring and right whenever you are with your grandchild and you will both benefit.

gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding. Unless this grandma has done something drastically bad to this daughter inlaw then she should be include in whatever, but it is obvious that the new mum wants only her own mother and friends to visit she was happy in the past to visit but somehow having the baby has changed her.. nothing wrong with calling the baby her grandchild what other name is she going to call it when she talks about the baby it is her grand child.. Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one..

Alleykat I think most people answering on here have lots of empathy but for the daughter in law not the seemingly over reacting mother in law
This really is a non thread the grandmother is staying most of Christmas Day but that’s not enough She sees the child regularly but that’s not enough She wants to be a hands on granny and that may well come in time if she stops the push push push and the putting down of the new mother the way she’s going she will end up cut out of their lives completely, a self fulfilling prophecy

Actually Sadgranma I think you are really lucky. I honestly don’t mean this in a nasty way, but as others have said it genuinely sounds like you are trying to take over. If you are going over to see them Christmas Day afternoon, then I don’t see why you think you have the right to go Christmas morning. They probably want Christmas morning to themselves, especially if it’s his first Christmas. There are hundreds of grandparents that won’t have the chance to see their grandchildren at all over the Christmas period. You repeatedly say HER in your post, the point is, it is HER child do do as she pleases. My advice would be back off, before it causes more problems. I can clearly feel when reading your post that you obviously don’t like your daughter in law, she’s probably picking up on this.

You really shouldn’t try to push the relationship. Just calm down and try to put things into perspective, your dli is obviously feeling protective and possessive about her baby and why not it is her baby. Don’t be paranoid, it seems as though you’ve been looking forward to the baby being born and things haven’t turned out as you expected. The Christmas morning thing ...............of course they want to spend time alone as a family and why not they’re coming to you for dinner, so be satisfied with that. To be honest I don’t understand people who try to inflict their wll on other people. Give them some space hopefully for your sake they will let you become more hands on, if they don’t you’ll have to accept it. By pushing you’ll just drive abigger wedge between you.

Sorry Sadgranma but I think you're being overly obsessive about your grandchild and only seeing your own point of view despite the excellent advice here. Why on earth do you expect to be with them Christmas morning as well as the rest of the day? It is a special time for the parents and child and they can then happily prepare for guests. You had your child, that was your son, and now this is THEIR child who I am sure they will happily enjoy with you if you respect their feelings and opinions. If not, then the loss will be all yours.

I’m envisioning someone ( a younger person?) sitting reading these responses and having a good laugh - this post must be a wind up, surely? It’s almost a cruel post for anyone with real estrangement issues to read.

"Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one.."

Really?

Two of my children live 10 minutes away with their partners and children. Sometimes they include me in outings and sometimes they do not - even when a bit of me thinks that I would really have loved to go on one that they did not include me in, I always enjoy the idea of them all having a great time as a family - and they send me pics on my phone.

You need to cultivate the idea of wanting what is best for THEM - if a Christmas morning, just the two of them with their little one, is what they want, then take pleasure in thinking of them enjoying it rather than thinking just of yourself and what you are missing.

Honestly the crux of all this is that you think less about yourself and more about them and their happiness. It is not hard to do.

This reads to me like somebody has written the original post specifically to show all the (inevitable) responses to their own MIL as a subtle way of getting her to understand how her actions are being perceived.

Dil won’t let me be grandma

This has got me wondering what 'being grandma' is

What indeed?

Surely its just being yourself?
I'm not the rosy cheeked, doing crafts, patient kind of grandma.
I'm more of the "stop getting under my feet and making noises" type.

Well I have obviously got grand parenting all wrong as I have never been invited to my son’s home on Christmas Day! They always spend the day with his wife’s parents.

I'm not the rosy cheeked, doing crafts, patient kind of grandma.
Oh, that's definitely me [halo], but the rosy cheeks are courtesy of my blusher.

gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding

What a b****y insulting and ageist remark!
What do you mean allykat by you people. I wonder?

Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one..
gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding

As many of us have experienced both the DIL and the MIL dynamics I think we probably have enough experience to read into the OP's post exactly what is going on here.
The situation appears to be that of a would-be interfering MIL who is over-ready to proffer 'advice' on how DIL should be bringing up her son and a DIL who is trying her best to include the child's grandmother despite her MIL's overbearing attitude.