Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

I have looked after my daughter's 2 children from the day they were born (they are 15 and 16 years old now).....her ex husband's parents also share the child care.
We have not been paid a penny and we don't expect it. My daughter is very thoughtful and often drops off some groceries etc. or takes me out for dinner. She is a single parent. Although I am divorced and hence, not flushed, I don't mind helping out, because that's what we parents do. And I adore my grandchildren....I picked them up from school today....they are old enough and strong enough to walk home, but since I was around, I told them I would pick them up.

I'm astounded that you pay MIL. If I'd charged at this rate I'd be a millionaire. Even when DH and I were on our uppers and having GD1 much of the time when she was a baby and toddler we never dreamt of charging.

I don't see anything wrong with being paid.
If a grandparent could do with the money, and the parents are happy to pay (less than the going rate, probably) then everyone is happy.
I dont think its proof of loving your children more by working yourself into the ground for nothing.

When I went back to work after my DD was born I only did 2 mornings a week. Because my husband worked shifts he was often able to cover but if he was working my mum would do it only on the basis that I paid her. It wasn't a chore for her as my DS was at school and my DD an easy going child and mum always loved to get out of the house. I agreed as a regular childminder would not have been prepared to be so flexible around my husbands shifts. Sometimes she only did 3 or 4 mornings a month but I still had to pay her. I've always said that when my DC have children I will do free childcare when I can. My mum is now in her 80's and expects us to look after her !

When I was expecting my first child I fully intended to return to work full time asap. The prospect of finding child care was daunting to say the least. My Parents were both dead so Grand Parents were never an option as my Mother in law also worked full time. I knew my sister looked after another child on an informal basis so asked her how she felt about becoming a registered childminder and looking after my son 5 days a week and she jumped at the chance. I paid a bit less than the going rate as I had to travel across London to get there but I didn't do it because it was cheap, I did it for the peace of mind of having someone I trusted implicitly to look after my son. It worked well for us for years because we treated each other with respect and I always tried to keep it on a business footing, as in I never took liberties, always phoned ahead if I was going to be late etc. still paid in full if I was on holiday or off sick so she didn't need to have him. She in turn treated him like he was her own, even still had him when he had measles unlike most other childminders. I don't see anything wrong with paying family to look after children if you can afford it. I also think there's nothing wrong with charging for it especially if you need the money. I do think most family would charge less than a stranger would and I'd be wary of being seen as a cash cow but on the other hand as I was in a very well paid job I didn't want to be taking advantage either. It all depends on the individuals involved and their circumstances and of course the quality of care.

Same as others on here, I have been looking after my Dgc for the last 20years, full time when Dd went back to work and now do school pickups and have them until 6ish.
I have them for nights out and weekends away and any other time.
Obviously, I wouldn't dream of taking money for this, in fact I would have been insulted if offered money.
Anyway, this doesn't help your situation.
Why don't you just say to your Pil that you are going to get an au Pair for when the baby arrives, you don't even need to mention Mil's babysitting at all until you have everything set up.
Then you can say that off course she's welcome to visit the Gc anytime but the babysitting situation is now obviously covered with the AuPair.
That way there is no actual awkward conversation of not being able to afford Mil.

But you re talking about something completely different Flexible you are talking about paying your sister as a business arrangement on a daily basis The original post is about having grandchildren for the odd hour or the odd sleep over that is a totally different scenario and one 99.:9% of grandparents would do with love not money signs in their eyes in fact most would give their eye teeth to spend positive time with their grandkids

I thought she was talking about fulltime childcare for baby no.2 as well, I wouldn't entrust a young baby to an au pair so if she's looking for full time care I'd think a full time childminder is a good option and would be far happier paying someone with support and training over someone without.

I have five grandchildren from 30 to 8 years old and over the years have helped their parents with child care to enable them both to work. I would never dream of accepting money for this as it is done with love. I am now 75 and meet the youngest two from school at least twice a week, take them home and stay with them until their Mum comes home from work. In the school holidays I help out as needed. My D H does think I do too much but knows it makes me happy to help out and like me would never view what I do as a financial transaction.

Second paragraph of original post Flexible

Just to add GC attends Creche full time during the week this costs €850 it’s simply not feasible to add another child into that cost which is why we are looking into alternatives for the full time arrangement.

Which is a lot more relevant than the odd 20 quid to granny

muffinthemoo
'granny pimp'
Love it.

You are in a very unusual situation op. The boot is more usually on the other foot with grannies and grandads delighted to help the young family out financially whether through free childcare or providing holidays, school trips, and all the other expenses necessary in bringing up kids today. Often, though not always, grandparents are in a better financial position at this stage of our lives than our children so we consider it a privilege to lighten the burden in any way we can. If your pil are reasonably financially secure I can't think why they would charge you in this way ...especially for the normal child care grandparents give while parents have a night out.

I think you should continue your kind attitude in allowing mil lots of access to the grandchildren...but only when you or dh are are around so that this cannot be considered childcare. With another child on the way you are clearly not in a position to give the pil treats like meals out ext so this should stop immediately. Maybe suggest a lunch out suggesting in advance that you should go dutch as you will soon have significantly less income because of the new baby. This would set the tone for future arrangements. Who knows ...they might even treat you!

Bloody ell. I wouldn't dream of taking money for looking after my dad. My dd does sometimes give me a little for petrol for shopping but only as I go a few times a week for her. I wouldn't take this if I wasn't on about 4.00 per hour at present. Never would ask for anything for looking after my little love.

We’ve been looking after our 9 year old dgs since he was born!! We do school run 5 days a week - at least 2 nights he stays over with us - every school holiday he is with us - never have we ever accepted a penny piece for caring for him!! My dd does pay our petrol to cover the school runs but nothing else. I would be horrified if she offered us money to care for our gs!! We consider it a privilege to be able to be so involved in his life. We are both retired and living on our pensions so not exactly rolling in money but he is my child’s child!! Money doesn’t enter into it!! My other dd doesn’t live close by but we are still delighted to care for our 7 yr old dgs whenever we are needed and he loves coming to stay in the holidays and some weekends. Our reward is the close relationship we have as a family. That’s more than enough!!
I cannot understand any grandparent wanting financial reward for looking after their own flesh and blood.

It does seem unusual to charge for looking after grandchildren when the parents go out for an evening. An evening is not very long at all and meals would not need to be provided or prepared etc.

All day childminding is different because it might be from 7.30 am until 6.00 pm or even longer and may incur quite a bit of cost - food and petrol.

If you do a bit of research you'll find babysitting hourly rates are virtually double childminding hourly rates.

What a very difficult situation for you, I do hope you have found some of the suggestions helpful.

Like many others, I wouldn’t dream of ‘charging’ for my time with our grandchildren, my husband isn’t so keen on the actual ‘sitting’ but happily gives me a lift to the station, etc, as needed. BUT, in this particular case, we have been told that the FiL is quite (very) unpleasant and possibly jealous. I wouldn’t put up with such behaviour, but perhaps the MiL has been totally worn down by him. She wants to see the children and she may feel this is the only way. We don’t know how the FiL is with her when they are alone together, she may simply not be able to stand up to him.

BUT the situation can’t continue like this for many reasons. Lots of fantastic ideas from others on this thread, hopefully you will be able to put some of them into use. Do hope it all goes well. You sound a very thoughtful person. ?

Like everyone else I find the payment arrangement you have with the children's grandparents quite extraordinary, mercenary and exploitative. I can understand reimbursing a grandparent for costs incurred in caring for grandchildren if they are short of money. Costs such as petrol or bus fares, anything they may need to buy for the children while looking after them such as lunches, tickets etc but not an hourly rate. Looking after your grandchildren is a privilege and something that is done for the love of your grandchildren and to support your family. It is not a commercial transaction.

You say your mother in law is a lovely person and you want to support her involvement with the children and don't want to offend her but I would agree with those friends who are advising a conversation explaining that the current arrangement is neither reasonable nor sustainable and must be reviewed.

It would appear that your mil would not be able to stand up to her husband so you need to make the decisions for her. Explain to her that the vast majority of people regard grandparent care as a labour of love not paid employment or a "nice little earner" and a source of retirement income. You and your husband need to be very united on this and decide what you consider to be reasonable and financially sustainable and present it to your mil. Your fil is clearly from the " Arfur Daley" school of personal exploitation and sees money signs in everything. He is going to object to whatever options you propose that don't involve large amounts of money flowing his way. That's a given so be prepared for his response.

Good luck as this is not going to be easy but does need to be faced.

what a very sad situation MAMMY is in ,i would not wish that on anyone ,,i have 14 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren ,and have babysat them all at various times some grandchildren on a regular basis ,and have never ever expected money the only payment i ever wanted were kisses ,,i feel so sorry for her MIL ,and actually feel it is time they all stood up to this awful man ,it is only that nothing is said that it has carried on for so long ,,one thing MAMMY has not mentioned is that when a child is 3 dont they get 15 hrs free childcare from the government ?? would that not help ,,

The free childcare crossed my mind too barbaranrod , but the OP gave costs in euros, so I guess she is not in this country (unless it was an error)?

I couldn't believe your text. I adore my grandchildren and regularly look after them / babysit and have hem to stay - they will often ask if they can come for a sleepover. I wouldn't dream of taking or asking for money to see them. I would put it to your in laws that with a new baby on the way you will have to limit your childminding needs and see what they say. or come up with. You have been extremely generous but they should recognise that this could not go on.

I think it's a sad state of affairs Mammy.
I wouldn't dream of asking or expecting any financial recompense for looking after my grandchildren.
Your FIL sounds like a grabby horrible old man and your MIL isn't any better for going along with him. She may be brow beaten but we all have choices in life.
If you were considering allowing them to look after your children whilst you work, is it legal to pay them if they are not registered child minders? I'm unsure where you are, but in the U.K. it's not legal.
You sound lovely and clearly want to keep the peace and do the right thing for everyone. I don't think paying grandparents to see their grandchildren IS the right thing though....

I cannot believe a grandparent would charge for looking after grandchildren. Most of us long to be asked. It is one of life's joys.I would say we can't afford them any more and have found someone more reasonable, very tongue in cheek, if that's a step to far I just wouldn't ask them. You see family out of love. You sound such a nice person and it's horrible to be put in this position, but they are being totally unreasonable. Is it double time if you are late?