Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

When DD went back to work full time I looked after GS1 and she made up the difference between my pension and the wages I had been earning (not a huge amount as I'd been part time) When he went to preschool we cut down the payments as I had less to do. With the two later GSs money hasn't been involved at all.

Have you thought of perhaps asking your MIL for her advice? Maybe bring up the subject by saying that having worked it out, you can't see how you're going to manage child care costs for two babies, as it's hard enough with just the one, and ask if she has any suggestions.

Just a thought, but it would certainly make her aware that you can't afford to keep paying her, and by asking for her advice, she might just decide to stand up for herself and tell your FIL that she's no longer prepared to charge you for a job which most grandparents would happily do for nothing.

As an aside, you don't live anywhere near me do you, as I'd love to be an unpaid childminder to your little darlings, my grandchildren are all grown up now, and I really miss the feel of a tiny chubby hand holding mine, or a sticky wet kiss just for being 'Nana'!

I do hope you can get things sorted out without too much strife, as being pregnant, all this worry is the last thing you need - maybe something your husband should point out to his parents if they don't see things from your point of view.

This is a tricky one. I am my grandchildren's childminder - my daughter and son in law both work shifts in a hospital so we always knew childcare was going to be difficult because of covering late hours, night shifts, on calls, etc. Also, given the nature of their jobs their shifts never finish on time so there had to be flexibility. I had just retired from nursing when she was pregnant with the first baby, and I was going to maybe get a shop job a couple for days a week but decided to offer my services to my daughter instead. The way we work it is - if I'm looking after the babes to cover them being at work then they pay me. If it's just babysitting so that they can go out for a meal or something then I wouldn't dream of accepting money - that's just grandma babysitting. It's worked really well for us - it's not very much money to be honest, and nearly all of it goes straight back on the grandbabies, but the fact that they pay me makes it feel like a job and stops any resentment on my part. My daughter lets me know my 'duties' a couple of months in advance and adds money to my bank account. I always keep the whole month free before making appointments etc until I know when I'm needed, but if I have a holiday booked one of them will make sure they're off too, so I've never not been able to carry out my own plans.

I don't know the answer in your case, I really get how it started and it sounds like it made sense, but it's now become a pattern which is going to be hard to break. I don't like the sound of the father in law dictating how it should be. I think if you do end up getting an au pair then they'll just have to understand that you have the official childcare covered. And you've made it clear that it's an open door for them to visit, that they're welcome any time, so it's not like you're saying you don't want them to see the babes. Good luck with it all.

I look after my son's boy 2 days a week as it would cost double the £480 they already pay the nursery for another 2 days and I can't help thinking that is an awful lot money. I will also babysit some evenings at their house if they need me to. I am having him for 3 days whilst his parents are having a city break to get some head space as my DGS's autism diagnosis has hit them quite hard and they just need a break from a very difficult situation. I wouldn't dream of charging them. As hard work as he is, I consider it a privilege to look after that little boy.
In between whiles, I also have a Grandaughter who I am happy to have or babysit for. I adore her and she adores me. It is a privilege to have her.
I think if your MIL gets so much out of it which help her with her depression, start charging therapy fees. I think you'll find that your fee for therapy trumps baby sitting fees. Or perhaps you could give her a discount and call it even Stevens. ?
I think your DH should be reading them the riot act.

I'm astounded by grandparents charging for babysitting their grandchild!

Mammy start up your own 'Babysitting Circle'. If you don't know your neighbours, go on your local neighbourhood Facebook, and ask if anyone would be interested. I know that this could be a bit 'dodgy', but have meetings first, so that you get to know each other. You will need an 'Organiser', to keep records. Then, for whatever time you use a babysitter, you will have to pay that time back by babysitting for someone else. We had one when I was young. Worked a treat!

As for 'date nights'. You don't have to go out and spend money on this. Get your child to bed, cook a special meal, and get out the candles!

Good luck!

How about you and your husband sit down and
1. carefully plan your budget
2.carefully plan your childcare
3.be independent and stop paying MIL to babysit.
4.have a conversation with MIL and FIL and tell them that in view of the new baby coming you have had to review your financial situation and future child care arrangements. Inform them of your decision. Tell them you can no longer pay for babysitting and stick to your guns.
5. reassure MIL that she is very welcome to visit.

In thirteen years we have never been paid for babysitting, childcare or mileage. In fact, we aren’t even left any food.
When the children come to us, or we take them out, that’s on us.
As for going out on date nights, this was way beyond our means when we had young ones. Put them to bed, buy an M n S meal for two, light some candles and spend time together at home.

Really am a little overwhelmed with all the supportive messages ! Sincerely thank you.

Certainly has given me a different perspective , my parents have passed and no family so I didn’t have anything to compare this situation too.

I think maybe the reality is I feel guilty / very self indulgent having a few hours out of the house and therefore have felt absolutely this should be paid for but seems like it’s normal for parents to escape occasionally for an evening and have GP support them. I am surprised at the offers of sleep overs and collections , you GP sound amazing and no doubt the GC must adore the special tome they have with you all.

We both work very hard and I am very lucky that I have a good salary to support our family. For reference I don’t mind in any way paying expenses / petrol/ treats / small tokens / food etc it’s just that it is becoming so transactional (all down to FIL) at this stage that if I go to the shop for groceries while GP is there does that need to be paid? Sounds ridiculous I know but not being my parents I was just so grateful for having some “support” in whichever way it came.

I feel much more confident now about addressing the issue , thanks to everyone’s advice - I love the baby sitting circle idea will see if this is something can do with friends.

I would love to show PIL the response to this thread , it may be an eye opener.

Look if they love their grandchildren of course they ll do it as a perfect way to build up their relationship and give you a break Goodness me I have flown to Europe for a weekend to babysit and it would never enter my head to expect money You pay all expenses which is more than fair I usually fill the fridge up when i get there too I once flew over for a week with their then 18month old while they had a holiday it was a bit of a nightmare as the baby was ill while they were away but we managed ( she’s 18 years old now)
This is truely the first time I ve heard anyone pay for childcare with grandparents I certainly never paid my parents for all the help they gave me your father in law must be a right mean old tightwad

I'm glad this thread has helped you find the way forward, Mammy. As you'll have seen, your FIL is pretty much the odd one out!

Let us know how you get on and what was said, Mammy. Good luck!

We are not babysitters we are grandparents and would not dream of expecting any payment to look after our GC. They are our world.

I think there is a difference between babysitting whilst parents work and sitting whilst they go out. Some grandparents have given up paid work to help out family members so should have some recompense.
I think JustGrandma and her family have worked out a very satisfactory solution.

mammy I agree with others. No paying for babysitting. It sounds as though your MIL has a really tough time desperately wanting wo be with her grandchild but having a miserable bossy husband to deal with. Please take care not to cut her out because of her weakness in not being able to confront this bossy man. She sounds delightful. He sounds awful. Good luck with the new baby.

Mammy, do let us know how you got on.