Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

Goodness, I feel so sorry for your MIL, Mammy! Your FIL sounds horrible - your poor husband, knowing that his own father regards his son as a cash cow (bull??) even when he (your Dh) has been ill and needs some care.

I'm assuming that even if your MIL no longer babysits, she'll still come and see the GC anyway, e.g. at weekends?

Grannyknot, using beads for babysitting hours was inspired! We had tokens we made from old cornflake packets. I recall the time we were all very shocked to discover one member was abusing our trust by manufacturing their own, in order to get extra babysitting hours. Heinous crime!

Someone's husband had access to a laminator so we had laminated tokens from then on. Back then, we thought that made them impossible to forge - such innocent times!

I was appalled at reading this then felt guilty perhaps you MIL needs the money, if so well so be it. I looked after my precious grandson two days a week with a 2 1/2 train journey each way and it was my privilege and pleasure to do I spent valuable time with him and our bond is close he is now at school with a busy life but I go whenever possible there is no money in the world and is equal to time with my grandson. Please try to talk with both MIL and FIL together and she what can be sorted out surely they want to help? And both could do this together more fun surely. Good luck

I've never heard of grandparents being paid for babysitting. I have a friend who lives in UK. Her grandchildren are in New Zealand. She goes there for 6 weeks a year to look after them during school holidays. This is at her own expense.

I have skipped the second page of posts, so do apologize if I repeat something that has already been said, though I share the incredulity expressed in replies on the first page of the thread.

Your FiL's attitude to money has made me wonder: In the future, as they get older, if he or MiL need help from you and your DH, do you think he would expect to pay for any 'help' that you provide, on the same hourly basis. Indeed, do either of you ever do anything for them now, and if so, does he pay? If not, he is a hypocrite as well as a money-grabber!

There lots of grans out there on a low income who do accept a small payment to cover costs of regular childminding (though I don't personally know any who take anything for a few hours ad hoc babysitting), but there is a huge difference between accepting a token payment for expenses, and charging as if it were a proper job. It sounds so mercenary!

I hope that a little conversation explaining that you can no longer afford to continue this arrangement goes down ok. As MiL loves her DGC so much, I really can't imagine that she will forgo seeing them on a regular basis, no matter how your FiL reacts to it.
Good luck

Have babysat my grandchildren for over 15 years, long sessions, short ones, weekends, absolutely anything we can find to look after them. Never asked for money or been offered any except when my DD went back to work for a few weeks for her maternity leave. And then, because she was earning money, she paid me the going rate for childminding. Only because she was earning money did I accept any payment. I would be offended to be offered money and wouldn't want my grandchildren to think we only had them to make a profit out of them. They know they can spend time with me/us at any time, for any reason, and for as long as they like. As a result they say to me that my home is their second home, and we have a fabulous relationship.

I agree with everyone else: get your childcare on a stable, affordable routine that does not involve your in laws. You can’t afford it, and this arrangement will wreck what relationship you guys have with them. Never pay someone you can’t fire.

MIL can visit any time for free, but no more babysitting. Just standard granny visiting. No one pays grannies to visit their grandkids, so you won’t be paying FIL for that.

FIL is acting as some sort of bizarre granny pimp here. That can’t go on.

Mil is punishing herself by not standing up to this control freak. If she loves her evenings with her gc so much maybe it will give her the courage to stand up to him. You sound a lovely caring couple but must do what is best for you and let them sort their own relationship out. Maybe get your friends together for a baby sitting circle too. We also did ‘dish nights’ with friends on a Friday or Saturday once a month. All the kids arrived in their Jamas and slept in one room and we each brought a prepared dish to share and took turns at each other’s houses where we often played silly games. We had such a laugh and it didn’t cost much.

WTF! Being paid to spend time with your gc! When I went back to work p/t (30 years ago), my mum and mil shared 3 days childcare. Mil happily accepted payment - which we couldn't really afford - but my parents were furious that we even offered to pay, saying it was a privilege to spend time with gd and they certainly didn't want money for doing it. I now look after my 2 gc and wouldn't dream of accepting a penny!!!

Without knowing the financial circumstances of your in laws it’s difficult to pass judgement so to speak.... I would never dream of “charging” to babysit my dgs.... nir the family pets!!! Perhaps for your date nights you could look into setting up a local babysitter sitting network with other families?

I would never take a penny for looking after all my GC I don’t even take petrol money from my AC. I think you can only be direct here, just say you have a dilemma, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but ..... and relay the facts as kindly as you can and see what she’s comes back with. She just may offer you a solution !

Why do posters feel the need to go on about the OPs admitted desire to have a "Date Night" ...it's just a modern phrase for a bit of time together! She has explained in her posts that they have had a really hard time in the last couple of years and that some time as a couple to have an uninterrupted conversation is really helping them as a coup-le!! That is hardly "self indulgent"

I'm shocked to think of anyone being paid to babysit their own grandchild. Would never occur to me, it's one of the joys of grandparent-hood surely?

Mammy - a difficult situation for you and you have been really honest in your posts, including that you realise this situation should not have been agreed to ...hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I do think you have to be honest that the financial arrangement for babysitting is financially beyond you. Therefore you are looking for a cheaper alternative. That conversation needs to be had with both of them together. If MIL gets upset, you have to say (in front of FIL) that you would love the GC to be looked after by her because you and they value the relationship etc etc but you quite simply can't afford it. You need to keep repeating that fact whatever is said back to you by either IL. even though that will be hard if MIL is upset.

I also wonder if, next time you are helping out with lifts etc for FIL/MIL you should ask to be paid for the petrol ...I know this may feel uncomfortable but I think it MIGHT make FIL think! If he says he can't/won't pay then you could really go for it and say, sorry can't do it then as our financial situation is stretched! (are your ILs financially stretched BTW?)

I do realise that the above might feel difficult but it might be worth thinking about a version of this strategy!!

Let us know how you get on and what you decide

Could FIL be ill or going into dementure as he does not seem to be a "normal" person even if he has a money infatuation.

The bit that boggles with me is paying his mother to watch over your DH after his procedure and sedation. I don’t know anyone anywhere who would expect money for watching their adult child when ill plus DGC.

Families do this as a matter of course.

Another aspect though, maybe don’t blame your MiL of your FiL is being domineering over this. One of my grandfathers wouldn’t let my grandmother help with GC because he wanted her attention and he said they had ‘done their bit’.

When he sadly passed, my grandmother helped where she wanted and got stuck in. it had been him stopping her.

Have babysat all my grandchildren quite a lot over the years. Never received and definitely never expected or wanted any payment. It's just ridiculous. Your parents in law will be sorry when they don't see their GCs.

How can a grandparent accept payment for looking after a grandchild? It's a privilege, not a job.

I would go down the childminder route if I was you. I would think that would be less expensive than an au pair and would mean your home would still be yours without having anyone living in which could cause more problems. Sharing your home with someone else cannot be easy. Your father-in-law sounds very like my Grandfather, happy being bloody miserable. Your mother-in-law can still visit when she wants but not any paid visits. As you visit them often too you cannot be accused of not letting them see the children.
As for date nights, do you have any neighbours or friends that you could babysit for them one night then one of them look after yours another night. That’s what my husband and I did when ours were young as we didn’t have any parents living close by. This worked very well for us.

Go for it with the arrangements you can afford and explain to your PiLs why you are doing that.
It's a pity if MiL misses out on visits with her DGC without other adults there but you can emphasise that she and/or FiL can have visits any time they want.

You can sort out your financial situation, you can't sort out the PiLs' attitudes.

I was gobsmacked to read that a man would expect his wife to he paid for looking after their own DGC. He sounds most unpleasant but I am sure when he is older and needs help he will expect you and your DH to do everything without being paid because "That's what families do". Good luck with the discussion.

Our babysitting circle in the 70s used cuurtain rings. I was happy to babysit but my ex never wanted to go out so I ended up with most if the curtain rings. Those who were prolific users of the babysitting were often not that keen in babysitting for others.

I'm going to go against the grain here I'm afraid. Why shouldn't grandparents be paid something for childcare? It's a huge responsibility and if done full time it takes over your life. Occasional babysitting is different but a small payment is still a nice thought, especially if your Mil needs a little extra income. I agree that the terms you've outlined are very expensive as its family and seems to have got out of hand.
It just makes me cross that young parents today often (not always) blithely have children and just take it for granted that their parents will take on childcare for free so they can go back to work and carry on earning for their own lifestyle.
I often see quite old men and women pushing buggies to the park and to be honest they look exhausted.

No ones saying they cant be given something ..but not at the expense that it seems to be taking OP you started of too high it should have been much less. She is not a qualified nanny or baby sitter.
My mum used to come to the uk to take care if my children when they were little
I made sure we gave her something weekly .she hated it but we insisted. It was not a lot to us but would have helped her greatly.She used to refuse the airfare so really she was spending so much more in a way but the love and care she gave.
OP should put a stop get someone else the gravy train has to stop.
Very unfair to everyone concerned since granmother cant stand up to the bully of a hudbsnd and father .Its best you stop now otherwise your relationship will be ruined all that talk about the finabncial situation of the grand parents is irrelevant..
Im cross and sad on your behalf

HannahLoisLuke I agree overall that being given something, particularly if money is tight might in some circumstances be appropriate. But this arrangement seems an unreasonable arrangement and expectation. And being expected to pay for a parent to sit with their own adult son who is ill? (see Mannys subsequent post later in thread) ...that is seriously breaking into normal, caring family relationships isn't it?

When DD had a serious accident we lived with her for three months and did not even think of charging her for our care, She is our daughter. It is what parents do, if they can.

She was appreciative and took us out and away several time to say thank you.

I had to pay my mil to look after our son. She would write down all the days, hours and cost on a whiteboard and place it where it could be seen from the front door. I didn't mind paying some money, but eventually he went to creche which was on site where I worked.

On the other side of the coin, I have taken my own mother to hospital appointments, family weddings, fetched and taken her home at Christmas (it's a 50 mile round trip along difficult roads) days out and any other times she wanted to avail herself of a weekend break at our house. Not once has she ever offered to pay for the petrol, contributed to a family meal or even appreciated my efforts.

If you feel unhappy and resentful, then choosing an alternative is the way to go. You may find, however, that you prefer your mil to continue if things don't work out. I wonder though, if you were to say to them that you cannot afford the fees they want, would they withdraw their 'services'?

It's worth a discussion - not a confrontation - where ALL of you can put forward your thoughts so that everyone knows about any difficulties. I don't suggest a formal meeting, try to keep it friendly over an evening meal or drink. You are adults after all and no one needs to feel hurt if the discussion is kept open and honest.

Hey ho - families are funny things!