Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

When I next see my grandchildren I am thinking of discussing this issue on the basis that I will continue to give gifts (usually money) but would wish them in the future to just send a card at my birthday and at Christmas. They all have lots of demands on their monies yet just a card would keep me smiling.

You will be giving them good guidance*Hameringham*. Somebody needs to these days.

If I don't get a gift from someone I think it's because they don't want to buy me one and that's it

I understand only too well why the lack of a small gift upset you, Lemonlegs. and I agree as your granddaughters are grown women and obviously not offended by your mentioning the lack that your DD and SIL should not have got involved.

BUT I do wonder why if their names have always been added to whatever your DD bought, why on earth you didn't suggest when the girls were about five, that they were old enough to learn to shop for small presents.

To me it seems a little late in the day to do anything about it now.

If living on a smaller income now means that you cannot any longer give your grandchildren the generous gifts you have done previously, I suggest you invite the girls one day and tell them frankly the position you are in and that you no longer can afford pocket money etc. They will probably understand this quite well and not think it is any concern of their parents. By being honest with them I hope you can retain the good relationship you have with them.

I think it is quite rude to ask for presents. It will only make your grandchildren feel uncomfortable and serves no purpose. Gifts are much more special when unsolicited. My opinion only of course. No offence intended.

I do understand how hurtful it must be not to be acknowledged for gifts etc from family that mean the world to you. It would be extra hard if you are on your own on a low income, just a phone call and a chat isn't much to ask, so I understand Lemonlegs reaction. I would not have done it, because you don't give to receive, but she just wanted acknowledgement, to know they cared. The daughter and sil should realise that and make allowances, things are so much easier with a partner there and company, she us on her own with little money, so no way could I judge her actions. Some youngsters just get caught up in their work and friends and family get left behind at times. Why don't you send the odd text to them , asking how they are and what they have been up to, say you miss them and look forward to seeing them soon. It might just jolt them into action, I am sure they love you very much really. Give your daughter a ring to your daughter too to smooth the water, it's not worth falling out. Perhaps drop the pocket money but send a token present or gift voucher for birthdays and Christmas and ask them to let you know they have arrived as the list can be eratic at times.

Sorry post can be erratic. Honestly this pad changes what's written

ClareAB Think I would say to GC that you won't be paying any more money into their accounts as you are sure they mustn't receive it, just as you said, that it just goes into a black hole or someone's account. A phone call, text at least from them to say thank you or to acknowledge the money. Or is it they don't need it now! Save your money.

If someone had come to me when I was barely an adult (and that's what 18 and 21 are) and asked about not receiving a gift, I'm not sure I would ever give them any sort of gift again. It would likely come across as extremely entitled and rude. I remember being that young, they are likely barely making any money. And they technically did give you a gift. You don't know if they gave money to your DD to contribute as it is none of your business. You don't give a gift with the expectation of receiving anything in return. Otherwise it isn't a gift.

lemonlegs13. Having just read your comment a saying came to mind 'better to give than to receive for that you are truly blessed'.Depending your thoughts on this I would go as far as to say you are ' blessed'' with such caring and understanding GD's unlike the reaction you received from your DD.

I can understand your feelings. I think though that times have moved on so much that the young adults of your GDs age group and similar ages simply don't think along the same lines as a lot of us older ones when it comes to acknowledging gifts/money etc or sending a card or simple little present to a grandparent. My paternal grandparents always gave my sisters and me sweets and pocket money while we were children every week. We lived only a few houses from them and ran errands for them daily and they always came and had their Sunday dinner with us. They were financially better off than us and helped out whenever they could. We children thought the world of them and would scrimp and save to buy them a a card and make them something homemade at Christmastime. However part of the problems today are that neither Christmas or birthdays are not really special anymore when you were mainly given presents,so no longing wondering what you might be lucky enough to get on your birthday or Christmas, but can be bought at anytime of the year and by many people just now taken for granted, and this I think is why so many don't say thank you, because nothing is looked forward to with anticipation anymore, but just taken almost as routine that they will receive something as usual. Traditions and values have changed so much since many of us were young that we notice more the lack of manners than youngsters do.

Gosh!
Having read all the comments I'm surprised at how many grandparents variously give to GC, pocket money, £100 each at Christmas, pay for holidays abroad, treats and gifts at odd times as well as birthday gifts. Add to that, babysitting, the school run and pick up, paying the deposit on ACs house, doing their washing/ironing and cleaning kitchen and bathrooms whilst parents work.
You must all love it else why do it?
You can't be resentful when it's up to you to call the shots.
If you keep on doing what you're doing you'll keep on getting what you're getting...zilch.
I have never given pocket money to GC or house deposits to AC. No babysitting or school runs (they live too far anyway)
I certainly don't pay for their holidays unless it's the twice yearly family fest, a long weekend which my ex pays for.
Yet, despite my not giving all that other GNers seem to give, I have never fallen out with any of them and they certainly do remember their thanks and sometimes even a handwritten note posted from wherever they are.
It's not a case of affording it, it's a case if it being their lives to make of them the best they can...and they do.
My pleasure comes from knowing that they had and have happy lives and are responsible, working, caring adults who give back to society in many different ways.

Our DGC are given a Christmas and birthday allowance by their parents with which they buy small presents for all who are on their list. This not only teaches them to budget and spread their money round but the enjoyment they get from choosing or making each item, wrapping and then giving the gift is just lovely to be part of. The first year that he took part at 8 years old the youngest spent all of his money on one gift for a big brother and was very excited with it. In equal measure he was then devastated when he realised the implications for the presents he wanted to give to the rest of the family. Mummy had to be very inventive with helping him to make presents for everyone and he now makes lists and divides his money out to make sure he can afford to buy any particular item. Tough lesson to learn as his parents stuck to the allowance amount but a very valuable one.

The thank you letters took a nose dive one year when the parents stopped supervising the writing of them until I wrote each child a fullsome thank you letter saying how much their gift meant to me and their own thank you letters from their earliest days are kept in my special 'memory box' so that I could reread them whenever I wanted, could see their progress and just how grown up they were all getting now. I also spoke to DS and DDIL and mentioned how disappointed I was not to receive their usual lovely little letters and since then they have continued to arrive. I also make sure that I always write to each one of them too just to ensure that I set a good example and good manners are maintained.

If you give through love and not through duty or expectation you won't be disappointed.

PS All gifts are small in our family and no pocket money from anyone other than the parents who have a system where the children can earn money they want to spend. Works well.

I just gave the DGC a lucky £2 each in a Red Envelope for Chinese New Year.
We should all feel confident to give as much / little as we want or can afford.

Emilymaria You past the buck on Margaret Thatcher in what you refer to as this lady's 'idealistic way of family life' What are we sheep?
If a child is not showing respect then who is to blame ?NO we don't bring ourselves down to 'their level as you suggest as we become no better than they are
Children learn from example and it is up to ourselves as parents to show them. Manners start within the home. unfortunately there will always be those who fall by the wayside..

Synonymous
The parents of your GC sound very wise and practical.
It's a great idea to give them an allowance to budget for gifts and it will be a good lesson for the rest of their lives.

Lemonlegs13 does it really matter that much - why not just buy one gift then and do a family secret santa type thing - life is too short

So many people here completely missing the point.

Which is what, in your opinion?

I know I am very lucky as all my children buy me thoughtful gifts from them and the DGCs. Youngest DS has a part time job now and was very proud of the gifts he shopped for this year without assistance from his older siblings.
If I am asked what I would like I try to make a list of inexpensive unusual gifts for them to choose from.

I think this is about expectations. If gifts/cards/thank yous are important to you as a sign of appreciation, then of course you would be disappointed not to receive one. If not, or if keeping in touch is enough, then it wouldn't have mattered to you.
However I don't really agree with Tbh i think it’s down to our children not bringing their children up to be well mannered and thoughtful. I don't have AGC only little ones, but my AC were all taught to be well-mannered and buy little gifts for family, including GPs, from an early age with a very small 'Christmas allowance', with no stipulation about what they should buy. Later they bought their own 'pocket money' gifts. They also always wrote 'thank you' cards for gifts received. But as adults they now behave differently - some send presents, some do occasionally, and some don't, some write 'thank yous' and some don't. They do send greetings cards. I refused to get involved, as they are adults, even though it annoyed DP immensely not to hear from them ... even though ironically my children never received a thank you letter from their DGP! Thinking back, I never sent my elderly GF a card or a gift for birthday or Christmas and it certainly wasn't expected of me as a child. I did know that he loved us unconditionally, and visa versa.
It seems we're all different in what is expected of us and by us. However OP, I have to agree with some responses that it is bad-mannered to ask for a gift and, unfortunately, it's likely you'll think every Christmas that the gift is given only because you asked for it. Your DGC's responses were lovely, but perhaps you and your DD should have kept your feelings to yourselves, no matter what you thought privately.

Tartlet I think it's not anything to do with demanding a present. It's just wanting to be included. And thought of.

Possibly, or it could be about " look at everything I've done for you"