Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

It seems I am in the minority in whether to expect a present or a card. I can't understand why anyone should expect a present or complain when they don't. Whatever I've 'done' for my grandchildren I've done with no strings attached. I've more or less brought four of them up while their mum's were working full time. If you love your grandchildren why think they love you any less because you don't receive a present. I really do not understand why you feel so hurt. To be honest, I wouldn't appreciate a present that I'd had to ask for.

Your expectations corrode the beauty of gifting. Gifting becomes something entirely different if one expects their grandchildren to send a gift in a specific manner that they deem fit (because they are sending you a gift, you just don't like the manner in which its being sent), vocalizes these expectations, then gets upset when their expectations are not met, and further retaliates in anger against the said grandchildren.
Change your expectations and respect their gifting ideas too. Is this the first time that gifts have been presented this way, or has this been a norm? To be honest you sound a little entitled, needy and over yearning for your grandchildrens affection. If this was not the case why do you seem upset at them for discussing this with their parents when they have every right to talk freely with and to their own parents about anything? Respect goes both ways and some would consider your request/expectation very disrespectful too for most people don't ask others for gifts. Don't see the need to ruin your relationships over something so trivial.

I agree bluebelle I just live giving gifts don't really care about receiving them. It's nice to feel valued though. I think probably the OPs grandchildren have just got used to having their names on their parents presents. I used to do the same with my children when my parents and PIL were alive.

Smacks of emotional blackmail.

Sorry Lemonlegs13, I don't think that one should ever ask for presents. Do remember that the childcare you gave was for their parents' benefit rather than an expectation from young children and it is your choice to give monetary gifts to the family. If you are giving gifts in the hope that you will receive one in return, perhaps it is time to stop!

I sympathise too, it does seem to be a sign of the times and it makes me feel sad.

Agree with Bluebelle and Pat1949.
I don't 'expect' presents off anyone and I would certainly NEVER ask for one off anybody.
We treat all our DCs and DGC the same, spending exactly the same amount on each at Christmas and for birthdays, regardless of what we may have done or not done for them.

In return we get carefully chosen presents for birthdays and Christmas from my DD and a token gift from her young DDs (despite her single parent status and low income). We get small gifts from my cash strapped DS, his OH and their young DCs. And every Christmas we get a cheap, unwrapped box of chocolates from my OH's DD, her OH and adult children, with nothing for our birthdays.

It irks me that OH''s DD and family treat us this way, despite what we've done for them over the years. BUT I would never ask for a birthday present or something better for Christmas.

You give because you want to, not for what you may receive in return. Otherwise don't bother!

I really don’t think it was your DD who took exception here. Your granddaughters were probably gracious and apologetic to you because your DD has brought them up to be decent, respectful young ladies. How they responded to you and how they really felt, is evident in your daughter’s reaction. It does not reflect poorly on your granddaughters just because they did not give you an individual gift. I am assuming you still got a gift. Your granddaughters are relatively young at 18 and 21. Girls are no longer married with families at this age. Most are still living at home, at university or colleague and working part time. I see no problem in them going in on the family gift if they are not yet at the stage of living independently. And even then, just because you cared for them as children or gave them ‘pocket money’, does not entitle you to anything from them. Yes, it is good manners to reciprocate a gift at Christmas, but your own manners have been less than exemplary. Just be happy that you have a good relationship with them.

I think to some degree the format is set when child is young. If parents buy small separate gift from child or they add child's name to their gift. Over the years this then progresses. Either way it does not mean dgc loves you more or less. They just do what is normal for them. Your dd should have said nothing and let you resolve issue with dgc.

I never EXPECT a gift from anyone, and would certainly never ask for one either!

My late FIL used to give my children money and tell them "dont spend it on rubbish save it" my own mother would give money and tell them to buy something they'd enjoy.Its just different attitudes but my FIL used to really annoy me by saying it,a gift should never come with strings .You seem to think because you give to them they must give back.No concern over circumstances ,whether or not these young people have spare cash to buy gifts .Its just plain wrong .Why would you ever imagine its ok to ask for a present? I'm the opposite to you,I tell my children and GC NOT to buy presents for us ,we have everything we want/need and if we dont we can well afford to buy it ourselves .

Tbh i think it’s down to our children not bringing their children up to be well mannered and thoughtful. Although it’s down to individual personalities too, i do think it’s upbringing. Although i wouldn't have expected a gift (well maybe a token one) I don’t think it’s too much to expect some acknowledgement of a gift by way of a phone call or note.

I think you’ve done the right thing by saying something. There’s far too much tolerance of poor behaviour for fear of upsetting the apple cart. Your granddaughters’ responses however, were very pleasant and they’re obviously lovely girls.

Ps i wouldn’t still be giving pocket money at that age.

My stepdaughter still puts my stepsons names on her cards even though one of them is 27 and the other is 21 and they both left home years ago. It doe irritate me but I dont say anything. I dont expect a card from the younger one as he is a student but the older one now has a good job and a partner so it would be nice to receive one from him as up until Xmas 2018 we have always sent to him.
I have 4 grandchildren. I always see two of them at Xmas and they give me and DH a small gift, and send us little thankyou cards for theirs, but the other two who are 180 miles away are now estranged as my ex DIL refuses any firm of communication ( no idea why) . I still send generous gifts for birthdays and Xmas but as usual am still waiting for a response. I am left wondering if they ever receive them.

We do Secret Santa between adults & atm DGCs are still school age. DH & I each receive a small gift from each set of DGC. This year I got some fun Nana & grandchild aprons (we cook together) and a lovely recipe book and dish from the other two DGC. Obv my DDs have bought these but kids have wrapped & written labels. I do not know what might happen in the future. I won't feel peeved if gift are not forthcoming..as long as they spend a bit of time with me.

I think the point is being missed a little here. It's not about the actual gift, just a small gesture of love and appreciation. Yes of course we give freely of our time and money to our families but its nice to know we are appreciated occasionally.

I bet DD said to her daughters that she was getting grandma a gift from them all as usual so the girls accepted that. No deliberate snub intended!

Always nicer to give than to receive. The younger generation are always busy, broke, a bit self absorbed, it was ever thus. Were we really any different? They'll grow to be us and will be on gransnet discussing their grandchildren. Personally I wouldn't expect presents from anyone and, like Paddyann, have everything I could possibly want or need. We tell our children and grandchildren not to spend their money on us. We are happy to be part of their world and to be loved.

Rather a nasty comment from poor old Chucky, obviously a victim of a wicked step mother in the distant past.

I spend a lot on my GC at Christmas and birthdays, but have never received anything from them. The two oldest are 18 and 21 and are both working. DD proudly shows me gifts they have given her and her DH. I spent years baby sitting, having them for weekends so they could go away with friends, and collecting them from school. A little something from them would have been nice. It feels funny on Christmas Day giving presents but not receiving any from the grown up children. I feel hurt.

Just to add to my message, I would never say anything to them about this. Too proud.

Please don't risk falling out with your DGDs or your DD over this.
Christmas presents/money cause so may issues among families at a time when folk should be celebrating what they do have and counting their blessings. Everyone has different expectations, stresses, or financial situations. Young people (especially, but not only, those living with parents) also often don't tend to think about giving presents to family other than siblings and parents.
Your DGDs sound like really nice girls. Just keep loving and supporting them and giving presents as and when you can without expecting anything in return.
Do you have their mobile numbers? Could you send them random messages wishing them the best for their studies or jobs or just telling them you love them?
Life's too short and there are too many broken-hearted grandparents around who don't get to see their DGC to risk your relationships over something like this.

I sympathise with you Lemonlegs 13 ,but I think I have finally accepted the situation,sadly. I did have a present,but no cards from my DD ,SIL and Grandchildren who live a 5-10,minute walk away from me. I heard nothing at all from my Granddaughters 300miles away. I sent a birthday present to the younger one(11) inNovember and Christmas presents to both of them,plus their Dad and Stepmum ,with cards .Very sadly they lost their Mum(my daughter) 9 years ago next week. Their Dad has remarried a lovely lady and has been a fantastic Dad to both girls. ,but they just don’ t send thank yous ,unfortunately. I saw them last August for the first time in 18 months ,due to work,school,distance and we had a great day together. No idea when I will get to see them again. I have been on my own since losing my DH 10 years ago,so what little family I have mean a great deal to me. ,but I won’t mention anything to them. I do know that instead of cards,in both cases,they gave donations to Mind in memory of my daughter,who I still miss all the time. It would be good to hear from them though. For some reason my (former) SIL does not like FaceTime,so I don’t even see them on there. Sign of the times I’m afraid.
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From another perspective, I had a step grandmother and I always bought her presents with my own money (not a lot to spend but often managed to get gifts from fetes etc). However, I found out that gifts were passed on which hurt greatly especially when I had chosen them carefully (especially remember a beautiful owl brooch). From then on, for anything I bought, I wrote on the packaging so it could not be regifted. In later years, after grandfather died, I had difficulty in meeting up with her and often had to post items through her letter box but never had any acknowledgement. I later found out that she was a 'wicked' stepmother and treated my dad and his brother badly throughout their life, even stopping them from seeing their maternal grandparents (their mother died when they were very young). My dad never held this against her and whenever he managed to see her always gave her money which was all she was interested in.

I do bank transfers now every birthday and Christmas for my two teenage Grandsons.
I very rarely get a reply, but this year they went to Australia for Christmas. When they got back I heard nothing from them so I texted them to ask how it went, I gave them Xmas money for the trip.
A few weeks later, still nothing, so asked Son to remind them . To be fair, they did respond. But not without a bit of a nudge.
I know they don’t mean to be thoughtless, it’s more a case of out of sight, out of mind,

I am pretty shocked at the lack of thanks for gifts. My partner gave his daughter £60 for Xmas and her two children aged 15 and 13 and another granddaughter £40 each. He got no response from any of them. Not a text just to say thanks dad/grandad. He was really really hurt. It was his Xmas bonus. And he still hasn't had a call or a text. It makes me so angry that kids grandkids take for granted what they're gifted. I'm afraid he won't be doing it again. Who can blame him.

It was wrong of you to write that message and I can understand your daughter's reaction. I was surprised when my eldest grandson at 20 started giving me a Christmas gift...he was an apprentice so not earning a lot...I so appreciated that he had done this on his own.