Frequency of visiting grandchildren

Thanks ! I looked it up & it's 'Original Poster' glad it's not Old Person anyway !! I'm new to forums as mentioned. Useful to see there is a key under acronyms on Gransnet but OP is not listed - there must be other newcomers to forums in general surely ?!
I didn't have parents or parents in law around when my children were young. The only grandparent alive was my mother who was unable /unwilling to get involved. This was a pattern. She left my father & I when I was 4 years old. Thereafter, I saw my mother and her then new 3rd husband 3 times a year, when I would be taken to stay with them for 3-4 weeks during the school holidays. This went on till I left school. She moved 7 times whilst I was growing up so I frequently went to places I didn't know. She went back to work part time when I was a teenager so I was left in the house alone during the day. I spent my time reading all the books in the house. ) My father died when I was 26, I married at 27 and when my children were very young, my mother was widowed ( she had come back to live in the same town with my stepfather a few years before.) My mother being on her own became very demanding, & expected me to rush over when she was in 'distress' frequently. In the end my husband & I decided to live nearer to her so that I didn't have to keep bundling baby & toddler in the car to help. It was an extremely stressful time. In the end we got a live in companion for her but they tore their hair out, she was struck off the local GP list for her excessive demands. At one stage we took in daily meals to her ( I minute late & she was on the phone !!) Eventually, she had a series of strokes & had to go into a nursing home...they had their work cut out ! So..... I have no role models / experience & I do want to get it right !!

We have no set times, but at least once a week, even if it is only for half an hour, but usually more. My DD's pop in any time they want, open door, as I do with them, but usually we ring first to say put the kettle on! Really not sure how it will pan out when my DS and DIL have children though? Maybe not such and easy thing. It is sad that everyone is so time poor nowadays and relationships have to be scheduled. I think the fortnight visits sound fine if it works, but if you want more time, ask if its possible?

Suzigran. I am not at all sure that things are easier with daughter’s children. I have just returned from a garden centre trip with my DD,SIL, GS (10) and GD (5). . They live a five to ten minute walk away from me . This is only the second time I have seen my GS and third time my GD since Christmas ! We all get on well, but both DD and SIL are nurses ,working shifts and constantly have to juggle work,school and child care. I am also a widow and would love to see them more often.
My other grandchildren -two GDs(13 and 11) live 300miles away with their Dad and lovely Stepmum . I lost their Mum, my younger daughter 9 years ago.
I saw them for one day last August when they finally returned to stay with their Dad’s Mum near me.That was the first time for 18 months. I get on well with their Stepmum and Dad, but again ,work (shifts for Dad and a busy cafe for Mum) ,school and distance make it difficult to see them often. I don’ t have a car and public transport is a nightmare between here and where they are.The girls are growing up fast and I feel I haven’t been able to build a strong relationship with them , but they are both very loving when I do get to see them. Hopefully this will last.

You sound a lovely mother in law and granny. I think you are all trying your best to manage all commitments. Your DIL must be absolutely shattered. I am certain you would be a huge asset to the family if you lived nearer and could just call in but your visit obviously has to be arranged. I have 3 daughters and 3 grandchildren all living with a mile. Let me tell you that I undertake child care but hardly see them at weekends. This is because that's when they have their time with their husbands and go ut with friends or their children. We do go on holiday together and out for mals. They come to us and we to them for perhaps a drink early evening. I do realise that my daughters are very pressured with work and children. I just support as I can. Please don't think this young woman is in anything but tired with a head full of tasks and responsibilites. Do say I' d like to give you all any support you'd like. My daughters' in laws never offer any support only want energy and time to be spent on them. Thinking of you.

@Suzigran I know I have got all this to come and it makes me feel dreadful -

the first GC is on the way for both sets of GP -

DIL family is massive and overbearing DS only child -

and my ex-other half has a 'partner' now to add to the mix-

I feel sure I'd be last on the list when it comes to seeing and caring for my GC-

I will do Skype or similar when it happens and try to get on with my life

@Suzigran Wow to your second message-

You are a Saint

Would it be possible to Facetime your grandchildren either each night or twice a week. Technology has made it possible so why not ask the parents if this could be arranged.

I am lucky because at the age of 86 I finally became a great grandma to my one and only great grandson. I will be 89 in May. I live a few miles away from my Great Grandson BUT I see him most nights on Facetime because my granddaughter does not want me to be left out and he has got to know me and blows me a kiss when saying Bye Bye.

Onestepbeyond, please don't think & feel it will turn out badly. Nothing is perfect but I'm sure your son will be keen for you to see your GC & DIL too if she is sensible.
Focus on the fact that your son is happy ? Sounds as if he is in a large ready made family which your GC will have the privilege of being part of. My family is basically me + younger son ( no children ) It is daunting at family gatherings/christenings of GC. However there's usually someone to talk to ! Your GC will love you as grandma, even if you don't see him/her/them so often. As you say skype, etc. and get on with life. I'm learning the ukulele & maybe GC might be inspired when they come also, planting seeds in the garden, crafts etc. later on. My 4 year old proudly told a visitor when I was at their house one day. I have 2 grannys ! I'm building up toys, equipment, books here for when they come to stay. Maybe you son will be able to bring GC on his own when they are older to give DIL a break. All sorts of future possibilities. I also buy clothes occasionally for the GC ( can't help myself) there are such lovely things about.

Suzigran welcome to Gransnet.

If your DIL is happy with the fortnightly visiting arrangement I would stick with that. Parents who both work full time are very time poor and its important that they also have time at weekends as a family.

So often on these boards both here and on Mumsnet, we hear of tensions caused by a mismatch of expectations between parents and grandparents.

Don't worry about your relationship with your grandson. If you are a cheery presence at the school gate every fortnight he will look forward to seeing you. If you feel tense because of wishing for more or trying too hard he will sense that.

You seem sensible in your approach. I would go cheerfully with what is offered. Good luck.

Maywalk how lovely and congratulations on having a great grand son and being tecnologically savvy as you must be.
I think as thus far I have had these gaps without Facetime it would feel strange and I don't like to add another 'task' at night when they (DIL/au pair & daddy if he's home in time) are desperate to get them to sleep.
Again I think if it was my daughter it would be different but maybe I'm being pessimistic on this.

Onesteobeyond I think the accolade should go to my father who brought me up.... but thank you for the thought !!
52bright thank you, you are quite right .

I have WW2 website Suzie and written a few books.
Been on the net since I was 74.
I am glad that I know how to use the computer because I have cyber friends from worldwide and there is always someone to talk to apart from many groups inviting me to tell of my war years. Bless you for the nice comment.

Suzigran. Don't worry! We have 2 grandsons, our daughter's, who live a few miles away now. Until the eldest was 18 months they lived 4 hours away, he's 9 now and his brother is 7. We visited about once a month 'til they moved closer to us. Then we started on weekly visits as they fitted in. Our daughter has always worked, except for maternity leave, so we picked them both up ( my husband and I) initially from nursery, now from school. It might sound rigid, but they know Thursday is grandparents day, it saves on after school childcare and, crucially, we have a good relationship with them. Sometimes we see them more often for babysitting support, but I think weekly contact maintains a good relationship and encourages "bonding" which I agree is possible with grandparents. They may need you more for pick ups, babysitting as the children get a bit older.It Good luck.

Maywalk that's interesting ! Do you want give out the website address & or your pen name ? I understand if not though.

Qwerty, ( and the others before ) thanks for your message, suggestions and encouragement.

Welcome, Suzie! I totally understand your wanting to see your gc more often. But, imo, you need to accept what works for the parents. Make your visits as memorable as possible and communicate in between, if possible, with FaceTime and so on (but not so much that it annoys the parents). What will be, will be, as far as your relationship with the kids. If you're a fun and loving gm, no doubt, they will always have fond memories of you, so no worries. Good that you appreciate that you get to see them, etc.

I've never understood the "its easier with daughters" thing.I see all my GC and in fact my sons daughter stays with us part of the week and has since she was just over a year old.She'll be 10 on her birthday.I think if you have a good relationship with your son there wont be any reason why your relationship with his children will differ from that of your daughters children.Dont make problems for yourself if you dont have to .

@Suzigran Thank you for your words of encouragement -

My DGC live 200 miles away. We see them roughly every six weeks - holidays and half term - as both parents as well as children are in the education system.

We are close to our DG and they are always over the moon when we arrive at their house or they get to ours.

Bonding has nothing to do with frequency. I was very close to one grandmother that at times I didn't see for several years because we lived in the Far East for some time.

Everyone's situation is different. When my first child was born my in laws visited me in hospital on day 2. They were already making comments that suggested they were planning out her life. The following week MIL came for the day (she lived about 70 miles away) alone as FIL was working. During the visit she announced that she would be seeing my DD about every 6 weeks. I said nothing at the time but afterwards when she'd gone I told my husband I thought she was being unreasonable and it probably would have to be less. They had busy lives but always expected us to fit in when it suited them despite us having busy lives too. We had to start saying no and make it clear that they sometimes had to fit around our commitments. My own mother lived much further away and didn't drive so coming to visit was usually for a week in the summer and we visited once or twice a year too. In the end when MIL complained about not having seen us for a certain time I informed her how long it was since my mum had seen us. Frequency of visits has to work for everyone. I have friends who see their GC all the time but they live round the corner and help childcare. I've already told my DIL that my MIL taught me how not to be a MIL and that I hope she will reap the benefits. So far so good!

Suzigran nice to see you read all the replies to your post and responded. (OP - original poster but it’s not actually listed in Acronyms at the top of page).
Sometimes a new person posts, then never follows up, which is a bit annoying for those who took the trouble to give advice or share experiences. There are often lots of different opinions here and I feel I’ve learnt a lot by reading posts.

Suzigran. Welcome to Gransnet, where all your problems are made smaller!

You should get to grips with Facetime, even if it's just a short chat every week or two. My DD lives in Australia, and has a 2 year old daughter. The 8 hour time difference makes it awkward, but we have a Facetime chat once a week, on her day off from work. Before I go to bed I have a breakfast chat with them, and it's a joy to see my little GD. She shows me her toys, reads me books and I catch up on what they are doing. She recognises me now, and is always pleased to see me. It's a bit sad when she asks me to come to her house, and she once said that 'Grandma lives in the phone', but I go to visit them as often as I can.

My two teenage GC, who returned to England with Mum when their parents split up also Facetime their Dad every Sunday morning, and keep the relationship going between his visits.

I would try to make the visit schedule less rigid, if possible. I think that the relationship with your GC will improve as they get older. It sounds as though they lead very busy lives. Just keep in touch as much as you can, without putting any pressure on them. As the GC get older you will probably find that they have more time for contact with you.

Good luck .

Relationships change over time. We used to look after our GS twice a week but when he started school we were no longer needed for pick ups etc. We really missed him and he also started being a bit shy and not saying hello when we did pop in. We offered to have him at a half term for a sleep over. Something he had only done once or twice before. We now generally have him for one night or two in longer holidays. We plan special surprise days out or sometimes just playing in the garden, baking or making ‘things’ in the workshop with Pops. He calls our spare room his bedroom and his slippers have to stay under the bed. So now although we don’t see him so often we get quality time with him. Be flexible. As grandparents I feel we have to fit in with their family life but also be there to support when needed. ( he’s nearly 6)

Molli I feel for you but it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your GS & DS /DIL or DD/SIL?) you’ve been adaptable & not complained when you didn’t see him so much. He must love coming to see / stay with you now & doing things in the workshop with pops too.

BradfordLass 72 thank you for these tips I will try them. I think you are not in the UK & seem far from your roots, unless you keep very late hours ?!

I think you are going to find flexibility is the way forward. The DGC are very small at present and life sounds manic! If you have got a two weekly routine going and they are fine with it just keep it going, everyone working nowadays has made a big difference to family availability. Your little 4 year old is coping with a lot, nursery and two smaller siblings and if he is at nursery all day is probably just tired. As you do see your GC quite a lot really I am sure you will have a good relationship with them its just different to the parental one.