Frequency of visiting grandchildren

Greengran78 I will get to grips with Facetime ( actually hate seeing myself on it unless device is at the other end of the room !!)
M0nica that's encouraging !
Farmor15 I agree
Starlady thank you
jocork /paddyann point taken.
I appreciate everyone's posts even if I haven't managed & most likely won't manage to respond to all. Have a good day everyone !

Thanks luluaugust, it's just like that as you say. I wish sometimes 4 year old would have more quiet time i.e, nothing organised for him, without so many activities ( nursery every morning and activities 3 afternoons with playdates, parties, cousins ) DIL has big family. He does get tired. C'est la vie.

Ours are a long way away, too. Bonding is not a question of frequency of visits. We aim for quality, not quantity. We see them once every 6-8 weeks, but play with them and talk to them, giving them our full attention. When we do visit, DGD gives us kisses and cuddles. She also enjoys skyping with us and will even speak on the phone.

The other family are halfway across the world and we have a set time to skype, due to time difference there aren't many spaces in the week where we can all sit down together. We shall be visiting soon and DGS asks daily how long he has to wait till our visit. So he hasn't forgotten us, nor have we by any means fallen out of favour.

(Both GC are 4, the little one is only a few weeks. We have seen her once)

It's not a matter of " how often" but just how much love there is. Mine ( 7 and 9) are 1,000km away and I see them in person about once every three months. But we talk ever week on Facetime and Skype, we write "real" letters and drawings to each other, and we always know what is going on in each other's lives. I'd give anything to see them as often as you do !

My parents only saw my own children twice a year - they are gone now but my children ( now in their 40's) still talk fondly of them . Bonding isn't a matter of frequency, it's the love you share. You'll be fine .

Dsd, dsil and dgs (7) are a 10 minute drive from us. Sometimes we can go weeks without meeting up as I still have a tweenager and two young adults at home, dsd and sil both work and dgs has lots of activities so we all have busy schedules. At the moment I am giving him lunchtime medication at school so am seeing him at least once a day. He is always just as happy to see me however long it’s been.

You could ask ddil if an occasional weekend day might suit them better as you could then see your som too. My Mum used to send cards and little parcels through the post to my boys when they were small which they really liked! I think I might start doing that for dgs.

I think that as the eldest GC is only 4years old it is too soon to establish if there is a strong bond. Some children see the GP as someone who is just standing in for a their mum-
I was always told by GD that I can't sit next to her at table and she was difficult when I collected her from kindergarten. I was upset and once I told her
that I would sit where I wanted to!
She is now 13 and and is so affectionate and we get on well. In the end your GCs will get to know you so keep on going and don't expect a 4 year old to show affection, if he's missing his mother.
Some are trained to say I love you Gran and others are not. We don't say that in our family.

I think you do very well to see them so often. I do envy you. Actually staying over every fortnight seems a lot to me without wishing to sound rude. Both parents usually work now and weekends are precious family time. Stop worrying sk much and jusg be happy ( and maybe now and then skip a visit)?

Thanks for these posts. Must have been upsetting for you when GD just wanted mum. Lovely to hear you have a great relationship now.
I don’t stay over when visiting GS except for special occasions, really half a day as I collect from nursery pre school at lunchtime.

So to understand, you travel for 2 hours and stay at your other son's house, but go for a visit to the son with the children? Do you stay for dinner then overnight at your other son?
That does seem a lot of work for you. Too bad the kids weren't old enough for you to take out to the park, or swimming at a local pool, then you could give the parents an bit of a break. The oldest one should be though, then he can have a bit of something to look forward to.

Jinty that's what I do. My 2 young Gsons live in England. I send little newsy letters with money and sometimes make up parcels of treats. The boys love getting them. When I visit they're shy at first but by second day everything is fine and its like the months in between don't matter.

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CanadianGran I travel for 2 hours, collect GS from preschool at lunchtime. We usually all have lunch together (DIL, GS) then I play with 4 yr old, ( quiet time not always though ! ) then we go out to the playground, sometimes he takes his scooter or bike. if wet we go to a cafe and have a drink & snack together which we both enjoy !
I used to stay overnight before they had a nanny or au pair but actually find it easier to go up for the day by train without overnight bag to carry. Also, didn't see much of GS the next day as he was off to nursery.
Thanks all for your posts

That is a long journey to do in one day- two hours each way. On reflection, perhaps if like me you stayed now and again for a few days eg at Easter or half-term it might be good for getting closer to them.
Its hard nowadays. Many families are scattered. My children grew up in a street with lots of extended family and I feel I have lost out with ny gc. Unfortunately that's life. You've just got to make the best of it.

Until I came on GN I never realised how many grandparents live near their chidren and grandparents.

As a child I did not live near my grandparents or other extended family and neither did any of my friends live near theirs. When I became a parent, none of the other families that lived around me, had parents who lived locally. When my first DGC came along I thought it quite novel for her to have a grandparent that lived within a couple of miles. We, of course, live several hundred miles away.

I see a lot of interesting suggestions here, but your twice a week schedule is based on picking up the child from daycare and meeting her for lunch. Then entertaining the child in the park. Having a set day of the week for that is important for the mom. Kids classes and stuff are 'always on Tuesday at 4pm'. If anything, the mom might appreciate you doing the pickup every Thursday but only meeting you for lunch every second week. Let you play with the 4 yr old for the afternoon. I would not ask for "change" but I would ask her if it is working well for her. Ask her if there is something you could do differently that would help? Let her come to you with the changes... but let her know she can think about it for awhile. Three kids means she is tired and might not be thinking about what would be helpful at the time... it might take her a day or 7 to think "hey, I wonder if grandma could help with X". Let her know you are open to suggestions.

A big thing for moms is being particular how they want things done. I would ask if things are working for her and if there's anything she'd like handled a bit different. If she doesn't don't take it personal. The thing to remember is that she likes and trust you enough to have you pickup her kid AND she has lunch with you every second week!! My mother sees my kids once every few months... and that is at MY urging.

On the Dad part... he is your kid and I'm sure you'd like to see him. So, why don't you suggest something to him separate from your arrangements with the grandkids. Ask him if he (and grandkids) would be up for doing something every so often on a weekend or whatever. Once a month? Once every 2 months? Start by trying to setup ONE meetup with (or without) the grandkids and see how it goes.

At this point in their life I would suggest WITH the grandkids (or some of them) so mom gets a break. Even if it is to collect coffees and take the kids to the park or a weekend playgroup. Check out community centres for organized playgroups where parents can meet.

Yes, kids go through phases of being shy.
TIP: Create a regular Hello routine. Something you do when you first see him every time. Just between you and him. It will become familiar routine that helps him become comfortable quick. I still remember some things my uncles used to do when they greeted me as a kid... will never forget.

Thanks for your posts & suggestions & experiences. All so different & interesting; thank goodness human beings are adaptable & can thrive in so many different ways. ?

At least you see your grandchildren, have a chance to watch them grow from babies to toddlers to little people, young people, adults. Spare a thought for those who don't see their grandchildren, through no fault of their own, for there are many of us in that position. Count your blessings.

Oh yes, please do tell the OP that her problems aren’t real problems because other people have don’t see their grand kids. ?

You might as well say they are starving kids in Africa, so no ones problems are valid.

Summerlove.I have seen that very argument made on GN. It is called 'First world problems'. An argument that can only be made by the sanctimonious.

Then I’ll be sanctimonious.

The OPs problems don’t become any less severe because someone else can’t see their grandkids.

Ftr, not seeings ones grandkids at all could be considered a first world problem. It flips just as well.

Sorry, Summerlove you misunderstand me, I was not describing you as sanctimonious, but those who made the argument you quote and dismiss in your first post above.

i see my GD once a month i have her for a day (other nanna has her another day as DD only works 2 fridays a month) is it possible you could do something like that? to help with childare costs or to give mum a break? we facetime when DG wants to speak to nanny and she tells me she loves me and adore her. i wish i could see her more. but we have a great relationship she knows what room is nannys room and comes and gets in bed with me when im there and we play silly games ahhhh i love that bit

I suppose those of us who rarely see our grandchildren don't understand the problem. I listen to people saying they only get to collect their grandchild and spend some time with them once a week or fortnight and I have tears in my eyes and such a deep sense of longing and am so envious. I have just looked at photos of my grandsons in their World Book Day costunes and have bought them sone Spring clothes to post and birthday presents ( no chance of being at birthday parties) and am crossing my fingers that I get to see them at Easter- health permitting. I have collected one grandson once from school. I have seven grandchildren. There are many like me.

Sorry Monica, I did. I apologize.

Summerlove , it happens easily, I have done it myself.