Son traumatised

Many women are more comfortable having their own mothers there when they aren't at their best.

Please don't try to compare. It really smacks of what you probably heard when your children were young: "But so-and-so gets to have/do/go to x! Why can't I?" What was your response then?

For the record: when my nephew was born (Bro and SIL's son) my mum was the one they called to watch their older son. SIL's parents live 5 hours' drive away and Mum and Dad only live 2 hours' drive away. Bro and SIL have a great relationship with both sets of parents. So Mum came and looked after my older nephew while SIL went to hospital to have their second son. Mum got to see him before SIL's parents did. (The reason Mum had to come is that Bro and SIL recently moved and didn't know many people in their area.)

You do know that the maternal grandmother isn't there to see the baby and get first dibs. You do know she's there to see HER baby, who has just through a traumatic and painful experience. She's there to make sure her daughter is ok? The baby is obviously just there.

The posters making it about Paternal and Maternal grandparents and who gets to see the baby first are making it about the baby and grandparents when it's not at all.
It's about a Daughter just wanting here mum! The woman almost died!

How can a visit from the other granny, a no doubt kind and supportive granny, cause any kind of upset to the new mum? I just don't get it. No one's going to have a party at the bedside. Just a loved and loving family member coming to see her new grandson and her own son, now a father himself. And to give love and sympathy, and congratulations, to the new mother.

Gonegirl

Not every mum is ready to see her MIL when she isn't at her best. That's up to the mum to decide. Maybe she isn't ready for ANY visitors yet.

Having a baby is about the parents. It's not about the extended family. The parents need to adjust to having a new baby.

Because the son hasn't had 5 layers of fat and muscle cut through, or his private parts torn open and stitched up. The Son isn't leaking blood or milk or still numb from the epidural or high as a kite from gas & air. The Son won't have a catheter full of urine or his hormones crashing down or having blood being taken, being proded and poked and within 6-24 hours sent home with paracetomal and a stomach full of staples.

After going through all of that, the lass deserves abit of time to get her head together.

Gonegirl because she may be in pain, feeling uncomfortable, upset and not coping well. Especially given the situation. It wasn't a standard birth. She could have died.

As I said, I was more comfortable with my MIL there than my mother. But I can empathise and imagine how others may feel in that situation. I can imagine that others may not have such an easy relationship with their MIL, they may not want her seeing them half dressed and uncomfortable.

I don't get how others can't imagine that how they would feel in a situation may not be the same as how someone else would feel. People have different personality types, some are more private than others. And peoples relationships with their families and inlaws may be different.

A little twenty minute visit wouldn't hurt her. No way. (Snowflake generation?)

March, very well said and other hideous side effects too personal to mention here.

I just don't get it! Don't people have lives away from grabbing grandkids at the first opportunity and bickering about who bought the biggest pram or whatever.

I was full on naked when I have birth. I tore from vagina to my arsehole. I was bleeding SO heavy and I shit myself when I was pushing. My DDs heartbeat was dropping too, and I also threw up. Twice. I was crying due to hormones and had to have injections and numerous blood tests.
I had terrible headaches due to the drugs and dehydration and dizziness from blood loss.
I hadn't slept in 48 hours.
That was nothing compared to my friend who had an emergency c section.

My dignity was gone and at that point, if anyone had called me a snowflake I would of eaten them.

A long labour battling solely with use of gas and air, no progress, epidural put in, then she suffered a large haemorrhage, panic stations and was rushed into theatre for emergency caesarian as the heart rate had dropped quite dramatically.

I'd be feeling more delicate than a snowflake after going through all of that.

A woman had just been through a life threatening experience. She is allowed to stand up for herself and say 'I'm not ready for visitors'. That's not being a snowflake. Sometimes you have to put your wellbeing first, this is one of those times.

Eventually get a phone call from DS, deeply upset, reveals what she has gone through, and says they don't want to see anyone at the moment

Her DS said they didn't want to see anyone at the moment. He was likely tired and exhausted, for all we know he was entirely responsible for the decision.

And that's all irrelevant as the OP said she understood that. She posted because she wanted him to tell his siblings, which he has anyway.

The OP hasn't suggested at all that she has a bad relationship with the DIL so stop projecting the idea of this maternal vs paternal grandparent divide into the situation. In fact, the OP has emailed the DILs mother, so they obviously all get on fine!

"Visitors"? Really? The father's mum?! Hardly a visitor!

Have loving families gone out of fashion?

A little twenty minute visit wouldn't hurt her. No way. (Snowflake generation?)

Nah! Some of these comments sound more from a generation of extremely needy, entitled, controlling, selfish and manipulative grandparents.

Plus who are you to go against her wishes, minimize the visit to "a little 20 minute visit," decide what will/won't hurt her, then characterize her as a snowflake generation? Sounds insidiously manipulative to me.

Grandparents should always stop and ask themselves if their presence/role in their AC life is supportive or self serving. If its the latter, don't be surprised when your services are no longer needed. I read a lot of posts on here and can't help but wonder where some of you truly stand with your AC families.

You never override a patients request to no visits. I always make sure to ask my patients in delivery if they are comfortable having any visitors for I KNOW some MILs (like the one on here who suggested to visit the hospital irrespective of her DILs wishes) will forcefully make herself present. And guess what, your entire journey will be in vain for the hospitals number one concern is the health of the mother and the baby. Everyone else can/will be shut out by the DILs request, or the doctors request if your presence visibly makes her very miserable.

Some of these responses are just ridiculous!

Gonegirl

You know that in the autumn when I had my last baby, my MIL took it upon herself to show up against all DH's advice at the hospital to see The Promised Grandson only to find I was actually still in High Dependency Unit and not conscious?

And was greatly offended to be told by the staff on the ward to get lost, and no she could not see the newborn that at that point I myself had not even seen (on account of passing out in theatre before he was cleaned up and handed to me?)

I asked you to unpack the "thought for granny" because I would like to know at which point my safety and my opportunity to meet my baby should have been shouldered aside for the concerns of visitors?

My tiny baby was lying in the neonatal ward with an IV hanging out of his tiny hand and I hadn't even held him, and my in laws had shown up (with colds) demanding to see him whilst I was getting blood transfusions put in and being resutured?

Of course when they next showed up to see my boy, they took him out of his basinette against DH's request and promptly gave him broncholitis. All three of my children have had broncholitis as infants because my FIL will neither wash his damn hands nor have the basic sense not to cough and sneeze on people who haven't even had a first bath.

If I had been injured in an accident and there was no baby involved, do you think they would have been beating a path down to HDU?

At what point would this "little twenty minute visit" for the feelings of someone else have become more important than mine and my baby's medical care? (The answer was about 24 hours, to be clear, in my case. I was bed bound, still catheterised and as a direct result of their visit, got resutured for the second time and my own children were not allowed to visit me for another 24 hours to let the resuturing start to heal.)

I'm really not interested in stories of other posters' traumatic births. Why would I be?

Well you’re a parent of the snowflake generation!! I lost my first boy at 21 weeks and then nearly lost my 2nd boy at 32 weeks. I wasn’t ready for
Visitors for at least 14 days, oh and by the way I was readmitted when I bled all over the chair in the neonatal unit and passing clots the size of tennis balls. Should I have been worried about my mother in law or spending time getting to know my baby.

Gonegirl, you asked for explanation and muffin gave it. She is not " merely" telling a tale of a traumatic birth for the sake of it, she is making a point. If you are too lacking in any basic human kindness and empathy and can only make stupid comments about snowflakes, I suggest you jog on.

International Womens Day not International Put Myself First Day.

Jog on yerself. I'm not jogging anywhere!

Err! It's not actually me I'm talking about. Enough of this "putting myself first".

That’s great and he didn’t let you know because he has a lot on his mind at the moment.

I would open the champagne and have a celebration and soon you’ll be enjoying your new grandson.

*Gonegirl

"Visitors"? Really? The father's mum?! Hardly a visitor!

Have loving families gone out of fashion?*

You're still not getting the fact that every mother has a RIGHT to determine whether or not they want visitors in these delivery room, and whom these visitors will be. A lot of people hide under tge umbrella of "family," to abuse others. Family means respecting other peoples wishes, and not forcefully imposing your will on others, the calling yourself "family,"

Being "family," doesn't override a patient right to privacy. Goodness gracious even prisoners have the right to decide if they want their so called "family," to visit them in prison or not. They additionally get to choose whom they'd preferably have visiting them. So when you say, "Visitors"? Really? The father's mum?! Hardly a visitor! - YES you are a visitor, and you being the fathers mum doesn't override that either.

When it comes to the hospital setting, your status in the family (fathers mum) doesn't count either and neither does it mean a thing for DIL could have opted to have her random friend for support over her MIL or even her own mother, and the doctors will respect her choice. So you can say hardly ever all you want, and believe you're not a visitor but fact reamains that you are a visitor who can quickly be shut/escorted as needed.

I've never really understood this obsession of running to the hospital when DIL delivers, exposing your immune system to all those drug resistant microbes in the hospital, exposing a new born baby (whom you claim to want to see out of love) to additional microbes, upsetting their mother, knowing very well the newborn child needs their mothers support, and potentially become a nuisance to the doctors for your filling up the entire room unnecessarily - all because you as a MIL have shown up uninvited and unexpectedly.

The father, mother, and the new baby (and any siblings) are a family. Everyone else is extended family. No one has a right to be there. The mother can decide to allow, or not allow, any visitors she wants.

I'm not actually the father's mum. I'm sorry. I've read that post twice. I can't make head nor tail of it.

Btw I'm not the father's mum.

So true I said it twice.

Think Coronation Street might be winning.

Was to LLL