Son traumatised

Ladies, Ladies, I certainly didn't intend opening up all your terrible experiences, this thread has certainly dug something up for some of you, including horendous birth experiences and past difficulties with inlaws. On International Women's Day we should all be supporting each other?

I have an excellent relationship with my DiL, to the extent that she asked me to make her wedding dress! I am very happy that she has her Mum there to support her, after a traumatic and scary event (though nothing like as bad as some of the births you are describing). The baby is fine, DiL is doing well with breast feeding, everything progressing well so far.

My worry was that DS, who is close to his siblings, for some reason had gone into shock, and couldn't bring himself to send one short text to them saying the baby had arrived safely, and that his wife was recovering okay. That was all that was needed, they would then have been reassured and waited for any more news until he was ready to give it. I was caught in the middle, having to field enquiries from them. I started the thread because I just wondered whether anyone else's son had 'frozen' in this way.

I'm not supporting this lot. That's for sure.

Enjoy the new babe when you can get your hands on him. (Wish I was the father's mum. My son won't get a shift on)

When he was in that much shock he was likely still processing. Telling everyone about the new baby would have been the last thing on his mind.

If you had been asked questions, all you had to say was, "That's DS and DIL's business. You'll have to ask them." There was no reason for you to put yourself in the middle of anything.

'On International Women's Day we should all be supporting each other?'

You'd of thought so!

Good luck OP! So glad your son, DIL and your brand new shiny grandson is doing well

Oh and, 100% the fizz

Gone girl, I’m curious exactly who you think the special snowflake is. You’re the one pushing for somebody in pain to except visitors when they might not be up for it. Because you think that they should.

Seems, in this case the special snowflake is usual. Pushing your will on to other people. Just because you want something doesn’t mean that others have to comply.

Some people might be “family members “but that doesn’t mean they need to be privy to everything.

In my book, the person who has just had a trauma or medical procedure (And even the easiest birth is a medical procedure) always has the right to veto whoever they want. Their wants matter most.

I wonder why!!

Momof3 son hasn't found the right girl yet. Going by you lot I'm beginning to see why.

Newmom101, you have made the point that sprang to mind when I read the OP. The DiL's mum must have been frantic for her daughter when she heard that she'd had a massive haemorrhage. The poor girl must have been feeling really poorly which would have taken the shine off the arrival of the new baby. Could be that the person she most wanted to see would have been her mum.

Newmom101 I entirely agree.

Glad all sorted.
But eggshells and walking on comes to mind.

You know, I'm an idiot.

I've allowed myself to be trolled in this thread about a really difficult experience for me (and yes, I do have a PTSD diagnosis as a result, and no, I really did not want one, thanks) by someone who by her own admission does not even have experience of what the OP asked for advice on.

OP, I wish you and your family all the best, long life and good health to you all.

I'm not taking the bait any more. This is amusing someone but it's really poking at an experience I'm still having treatment to come to terms with. Time to walk away.

I don't think anyone is amused by this.

I really thought the OP was asking advice from other grans.

(I am another gran of course)

And I do have second hand experience of this, as I have already said.

Apparently if we supported the blokes a bit more they would take more responsibility for childcare which is what we need to be concentrating on in our quest for equality including equal pay etc.
Its all linked and inequality stems from the fact that we attach no importance to fatherhood from the very beginning.
The dad in this case might need a bit of support. Its a complete nightmare becoming a parent - end of.
We don't attach enough importance to that.
Grandmas are there to give help and support and that must be celebrated.
Is it not true that most new parents want someone to simply entertain the baby so they can have a good couple of hours sleep?

Muffin I was the same. I had PND and PNA after a traumatic birth (nothing like the OP, just very long, painful and not how I imagined)

I was absolutely shell shocked. The lights was on but no one was home! I found out today that 2 out of 3 women develop some sort of MH problems after birth. I was home within 6 hours and was a complete mess.

The only person who gave a crap was my mum and husband. Every other sod wanted my baby. I started passing clots the size of golf balls and my midwife went mad!
My body was stressing itself out and I was ordered to cut visitors, sit at home and hold my baby otherwise I'd have to go into hospital.

She's just turned 9 and my MH has never been the same.

I remember my nan thinking there had been a mistake as she had BED REST FOR ONE WEEK! Can you imagine!?
She was utterly horrified I'd been shipped out after 6 hours.

Her Grandmother came to stay and she took care of the house while my Nan looked after my dad.

These days women are expected to welcome visitors 3 minutes after giving birth and we wonder why all these mental health problems are on the rise!

Am I on Gransnet?

Have I come across Mumsnet by mistake?

Gonegirl

Yes she obviously came here asking for other grans opinions. However, that doesn't mean that non-gran opinions aren't valid. Just like on mumsnet it's useful to have the opinions of grans when the behaviour of a gran is being questioned, I think it's useful here to get the opinion of 'new' moms when discussing the behaviour of a new mom.

Yes I know grans have been moms, but usually several decades ago. Some people forget how it felt to be that vulnerable and being reminded of what that's like by people who have recently been there is useful. Especially those posters who have been through similar scenarios. Sometimes grans get excited (obviously naturally) and forget that the mom might want space.

Also, there have been massive changes in midwifery practice. And other new moms can help to put the DILs behaviour into context as they have had the same recent advice and experience. There is more of a focus now on the mothers wellbeing after birth. Midwives advise you to not have people waiting around in the waiting room. They advise you to not have visitors for a couple of hours to have skin to skin contact and to focus on using the 'fourth trimester' for bonding. This is a big change from the advise in past generations (even in the 90s I was taken to the nursery at night and sent home at 4 days old with my dad when my mom stayed in hospital!). There's a huge focus now on the moms wellbeing, to reduce post natal depression. It's not just the younger generation being 'snowflakes' but a change in practice based on research.

Good luck with it all B9exchange

Is it not true that most new parents want someone to simply entertain the baby so they can have a good couple of hours sleep?

Not in my experience of the recent mothers I've know (quite a lot from baby and toddler groups). Most have partners who are very hands on and give them more help, less of the childcare is purely down to moms and in some cases dads are taking more paternal leave. Which i suppose means the traditional role of the gran as stepping in to help the new mom isn't always as needed. But I think that's a good thing. Parenting (as a couple) should be a partnership and it's good for children to have as much input from their dads.

In my experience most people haven't had their children babysat until nearer the 1 year mark when they're sleeping better, and the parents are more ready for a night out!

showergelfresh

Actually, babies should not be separated from their mothers. Feeding on demand promotes good breastfeeding. This is why most hospitals don't put babies in the nursery anymore, unless they need extra care or Mum is unable to care for them.

Many parents, on top of that, DON'T want someone to take the baby for a couple of hours.

It's not "help" if you don't want it. Grandma needs to recognize that this isn't about her. Forcing help when it's not wanted is a great way to turn into Grandma Who We Don't See.

There’s a lot of graphic description on here.
Too much information.
Sometimes less is more.
?

The baby will be starting playschool by the time this thread peters out.