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Grandparenting

Should we ignore it

(65 Posts)
Joanna501 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:58:41

This is my first post on here, I hope I’m posting in the right place.
My daughter is in her early 30’s and has has weight problems since she left school. She is currently at slimming world and has lost 2 stone since having her first baby 7 months ago.
The advice I really need is about my mother in law. She has always sent slimming magazines to my daughter which upset her, this went for for about 2 years until she asked her father ( my dh) to ask her to stop sending them as it was upsetting her.
It stopped for quite some time but she started again asking about her weight again, that too went on for quite some time until her father spoke to his mother again about how this makes my daughter feel.

She currently has around another 3 stones to lose.
My daughter visits her grandmother every few weeks and weight loss is always brought up, now my daughter is telling me that she is asking her during telephone conversations about slimming meals and her weight.

My daughter did say to her grandmother that she was happy with herself. But she doesn’t seem to ever stop.
This upsets me very much as her mother, I do not want to intervene or cause any ill feeling.
Should we try to ignore her comments
Any advice is welcome x

Namsnanny Fri 26-Apr-19 14:23:13

Is the grandmother actually your mother?
Anyway if I was you I would tell whoever that (g) daughters choices in life are her own, weight included and if she values granddaughters company to stop pestering!!
Why can’t people leave well alone?

silverlining48 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:26:15

Firstly well done to your daughter who has lost a substantial amount of weight post baby. Her grandmother if she mentions weight at all ( and really she should not) should just give her general support and encouragement. Not advice. Slimming world is there to do that.
As your daughter is an adult it’s up to her to say this to her gran.
My mum used to suggest I lost weight, which didn’t help one bit
Your MiL should keep quiet.

Joanna501 Fri 26-Apr-19 15:22:23

Thank you for your reply, it’s my husbands mother, I don’t know either why people can’t leave things alone

Joanna501 Fri 26-Apr-19 15:28:33

Thanks silverlining, my daughter has tried to tell her grandmother, I think she’s hinted more than anything that she doesn’t need her help.
My hubby has actually asked her to stop this 2 or 3 times now, it stops for a while then starts again.
I agree too, she should keep quiet but she won’t. ☹️

Anja Fri 26-Apr-19 16:02:33

Give your daughter some pointers for dealing with Grandma or perhaps she can ask for a few from her fellow slimmers at SW. I’m sure some will have had similar negative conversations and could help with strategies or even verbal put downs.

Incidentally well done your DD 👍🏽

KatyK Fri 26-Apr-19 16:06:08

I'm always astounded when people assume that overweight people don't know they're overweight. My DD was very overweight some years ago and my DH told me to 'tell her' as if she didn't know. She was unhappy enough without me wading in. She subsequently lost 4 stone, by hersellf without slimming clubs etc. It sounds to me as if your DD is doing really well. MIL should butt out.

Eglantine21 Fri 26-Apr-19 16:13:31

Perhaps there’s something your daughter can enquire about.

Grandma: “Have you lost any more of that weight yet?”

Daughter: “Yes thank you. Have you thought about botox for all those wrinkles?”

Then she could send a flyer from the nearest clinic😬

Mossfarr Fri 26-Apr-19 16:22:05

My Mother is exactly the same, she is totally obsessed by other peoples weight and absolutely can not keep her comments to herself. A comment about their weight is always the first thing she says when meeting up with people we haven't seen for a while. Its not as though she's slim herself - she's always been very overweight.
It makes me absolutely furious and I'm always telling her off about it.
My Sister-in-law (who is very overweight) will barely speak to her anymore.

phoenix Fri 26-Apr-19 16:31:12

Eglantine21 love it! grin

Or perhaps even ask her if she has considered asking for a refund from the charm school?

Sara65 Fri 26-Apr-19 16:32:08

My mother in law was the same, blunt to the point of extreme rudeness. In the end, we just used to laugh at the dreadful things she said at times, she had a kind heart really, I just don’t think she realised how awful she could be

crazyH Fri 26-Apr-19 16:40:40

I'm more prone to remark how thin someone is. I don't like 'skinnies'. At one time my daughter was rather 'chubby'. I had no problem with it. But the rest of the family were constantly sniggering about it. She has now gone the other way, lost a lot of weight and frankly I think she looks 'gaunt'. But everyone thinks she looks great. Can't win......

Joanna501 Fri 26-Apr-19 16:47:38

Thank you everyone for your advice

whywhywhy Fri 26-Apr-19 16:49:42

Well done to your daughter! Maybe you should step in and ask her not to keep asking as it is upsetting for all concerned. I had a fabulous 1st mother in law, sadly the one I have right now could be nicer. We cannot choose our relatives like we choose friends.

Joanna501 Fri 26-Apr-19 16:50:25

I wouldn’t dream of saying that to my granddaughter, I’d be mortified if I thought it could upset her, but I suppose my mil type are all cut from the same cloth (insensitive)

Bibbity Fri 26-Apr-19 16:52:46

Has she tried
“Did you mean to sound so rude?”

agnurse Fri 26-Apr-19 19:09:11

I'd suggest you should say nothing, simply because your daughter is an adult. That said, I do agree that you could give her some pointers.

"I feel...when you..." is a good way to start. She can also tell her grandmother that if Granny won't drop the subject, the conversation is over - and then follow through on it.

BradfordLass72 Fri 26-Apr-19 23:38:19

Speaking as someone who has been classed by others as 'overweight' (over what weight? Both my grandmothers were 25+ stone and hard-working and active. One a farmer's wife who ran the farm with her husband AND ran a farm cafe, catering to crowds every weekend).
So, what chance did I stand of being willowy?

But thanks to endless criticism from family and "friends" I twice dieted myself into hospital, suffering from malnutrition - and was still 17 stone!

And all that impelled me to start the 10 years of research, working with some of the world's obesity experts, and which resulted in two published books, talks and radio/TV interviews.
The forewords to both books, by professors in the field, confirmed all my findings. Dieting, far from being healthy, is dangerous and rarely works permanently.

I would beg you to encourage your daughter to simply eat healthily and keep active (how can she help it with a baby to look after?) and ignore any criticism....for her own mental and physical well-being.

Your daughter may be in the 1% who actually keep weight off but if she has been "overweight" all her life, it's doubtful. But that doesn't mean she cannot be a wonderful and precious mother, daughter and anything else she aspires to.

And please, stop assuming she 'needs to lose another 3 stone' - by whose reckoning? Some diet company?
They fail 98% of the time - no other industry in the world is allowed to fail at what they do - but 'failure' to a diet company, is a hugely profitable success because they know full well their 'failure' will come back, ashamed and desperate to toe the line.

Oh, it makes me want to weep, the waste of so many wonderful women whose minds have been turned to self-loathing because someone has told them they are too heavy, or too big. sad

Namsnanny Fri 26-Apr-19 23:57:33

Bradfordlass…..Hear, hear!!!!

Sara65 Sat 27-Apr-19 07:44:28

My eldest daughter would say that throughout her childhood I was on one or another diet, I was!
At about fifty I realised they weren’t really working, and no matter how much I dieted, I wasn’t losing weight, so I decided to just eat as healthily as I could, but definitely not diet! I’m bigger than I’d like to be, but have been a constant weight ever since, not, thankfully, any bigger.
It’s harder for your daughter, because there’s so much more pressure on young women to be skinny and gorgeous. I think she should probably just ignore her granny, her body, not grannies!

Fflaurie Sat 27-Apr-19 09:14:12

I would tell grandma to butt out immediately, unless it is unconditional praise, say nothing.

Tish Sat 27-Apr-19 09:17:40

Well done to your daughter for the birth of her baby AND her motivation to attend the sliming club AND loose the weight.... weight gain is a long process as is the process of weight loss... she’s doing brilliantly.. her grandmother needs to be gently encouraging not aggressively so. Maybe your daughter could try when she speaks/visits her grandmother when/if the subject is raised to just barely acknowledge it and then change the subject... hopefully after a wee while your m-in-law will take the hint.... as to the magazines your daughter should mark them “return to sender” or words to that effect and pop them back in the post.
Good luck!

Cece44 Sat 27-Apr-19 09:20:37

Maybe your daughter should stop seeing or talking to her for a bit and if she asked why tell her straight! Breaks my heart when some women especially family members are not supportive of each other..

lizzyann Sat 27-Apr-19 09:25:37

Hi , just a small question really , does your mother in law need to loose weight herself , could that be the real reason she asked your daughter about her diet and her weight loss , you might be looking at this all wrong , she is seeing your daughter loose weight , perhaps your mother in law is struggling to loose weight herself , your daughter could invite her to one of her slimming meetings , my daughter has lost seven and a half stone recently , doing really well , I struggle with my weight , I always ask my daughter for advice , it's just a thought

CherylMoon Sat 27-Apr-19 09:29:18

I think your daughter might just have to be brave and say something like “ that’s actually quite rude. I’m doing my best, so please drop the subject “

I do wonder having a go at someone else hides a problem about themselves that they can’t deal with.