Should we ignore it

I agree with Cece. A time of withdrawal might be the easiest way to address this. When Granny notices, then she could be told (by DD if she can manage it) that she just couldn’t cope with constant comments about her weight.

*agnurse I'd suggest you should say nothing, simply because your daughter is an adult. That said, I do agree that you could give her some pointers.

"I feel...when you..." is a good way to start. She can also tell her grandmother that if Granny won't drop the subject, the conversation is over - and then follow through on it.*

I agree with agnurse's good advice. Your daughter is an adult!
Maybe an added response would be "When you keep referring to my weight what are you trying to achieve?" ..."When you keep talking about my weight are you trying to help me?" …."What are you reasons for asking me about my weight?"

The point of this is that Granny has to explain/justify her reasons for her obsession.
Depending on her response it could lead to constructive discussion!! Alternatively your daughter, if Granny's response is less than helpful, can then just go with agnurse's suggestion of stating that the conversation is over and refuse to carry on..ie follow through!

I think your daughter needs to be prepared for the encounters - bit like she would distracting a toddler from mayhem. So, don't answer or a quick its going fine thanks, then change the subject, have something interesting from work or hobbies etc to talk to gran about - she is doing really well. What a person dealing with this needs is plenty of talk and interests in OTHER things - not foods and how to avoid them!

My MIL was like this. Everytime I saw her she would 'inspect' me and often made really unkind comments even infront of others. One day she over stepped the mark by patting my stomach and saying "have you got twins in there" - I lost my first pregnancy which was twins. My husband had a very firm word and she stopped. After she died I discovered she had been equally unkind to my SIL - we both loathed her.
I would advise you daughter to avoid her GM and if asked why explain she cannot see her while she continues to make these remarks.

BradfordLass, Sw is not really dieting, it is changing your eating habits to make them healthier and learning which foods are filling and less fattening. Weightwatchers does the sam. They do a lot of research on the latest finds on what works and why people gain, because of emotional or physical reasons. It is possible to lose and keep the weight off. It sounds as if your daughter is doing fine, Joanna. Slow and steady does it and then it stays off. No quick fix. And what does not work, as has been pointed out, is other people nagging you about weight.

I lost 8 stones from 2002 to 2007, went from size 28 to 14 and have kept it off. I'm 73 now. I'd been around a 16/ 18 most of my life but went up when I moved to a home next to lots of takeaways .

Well done to daughter for that first stone off. She knows how to do it now and that the change of eating works. No need to be hungry., Lots of support in the group. And with a baby and job too she is doing great!

I think when she rings your daughter, you daughter says straight away if you say anything about my weight etc I will hang up and do so. Might get the message then

Good post bradfordlass

To be fair to your mil it could be that your DD has spoken about her weight/weight loss achievements and mil is trying to support her by showing an interest in what your DD is interested in. Losing weight. If she was taking a hair dressing course she may have bought her hair mags. Unless she is being downright rude and calling her fat she may just be concerned for her and trying to show she cares. Just saying

My mother made remarks about my weight all my life despite me telling her it did not help me. I was a comfort eater, so her remarks generally made me eat more! She never did stop and often made unkind remarks in front of others too.

My MIL went one better though. When I was going out with her son she suggested to him that he might like to find someone younger and slimmer than me! I don't suppose she knows that he told me!

She was clearly worried that she wouldn't get grandchildren as I was 31 when we married and her son only 25! She began dropping hints about us having children as soon as we returned from honeymoon! Her attitude towards me did seem to improve after I produced the first GC especially as it was a girl and she only had boys and brothers. However she never let up about my weight, reminding me that I needed to watch my own weight if I was to cope with carrying a growing baby.

Unfortunately she has put my DD under similar pressure. She was quite overweight and my MIL has been quite unkind over the years. Now she has lost lots of weight and is probably close to ideal weight. She walks loads and climbs mountains regularly so is very fit and healthy. I was very careful not to criticise her weight even though I was concerned, as I know how damaging that can be.

I don't suppose my MIL knows how much it spoils relationships with her or perhaps she wouldn't behave like she does. Family conversations about grandma in her absence often turn to the subject of her obsessions and who she has offended most recently! I know my DD avoided seeing her or phoning her at times as she couldn't cope with the criticism.

Sadly some people can't seem to help themselves. A lovely older lady - a friend of my DIL's family - sat with grandma at DS's wedding and the next day described her as 'She seems quite nice but is very opinionated.' That said it all! That lady wouldn't say a bad word about anyone.

On reflection I remember my first gift from her of a weight-watchers cook book!

You’re daughter can’t hint she must TELL her grandmother in a nice polite way she doesn’t wish to talk about her weight and refuse to engage if it gets brought up she can just laugh and say Nan/ gran or whatever you know we re not talking about this and change the subject
She probably thinks she’s helping by engaging but she’s definitely not and it’s the daughters place not yours to tell her plainly but nicely

Could she be trying to help but in a clumsy way? I once sent my sister a book about tidying up because she mentioned she wanted to have a big throw out and her house was messy.

She got really upset about it, and I couldn't understand why as I thought I was helping. Oh dear.

I was on the end of such remarks from my mil and it ruined my relationship with her, even though she is no longer here I can't fully forgive her. I used to dread seeing her and only did so for the sake of my dh and children. I couldn't stand up for myself , it was difficult because was was so sly, and on the odd occasion I did she would say I had no sense of humour and I had taken something in the wrong way; deflecting any criticism. I never make any personal remarks to my dil about her figure - ever! I really don't like other people making any comments on my appearance , perhaps because of this past history, I just feel so uncomfortable and try to change the subject. It feels quite cathartic writing this down! If there is any advice I would give your daughter it would be to say to her grandmother that she is not going to talk about weight/dieting, end of! anything else fine!

Hey - well done her! I do hope she is proud of her achievement. Is the, anything but D, MIL asking because she is also wanting to lose weight but hasn't got the umph to join a group or incentive to do it herself? If so DD might want to guide her /share tips or just signpost........perhaps to another meeting venue other than the one she uses!

Well said, Bradford Lass ?

Well done to your daughter! I agree that asking fellow SW members may be a good idea. Her Group leader would also be helpful I'm sure.
This may sound harsh, but it may be wise for your daughter to keep contact with her GM to a minimum. If anything is said by your MiL it can be pointed out to her that her comments are actually undermining your daughter's efforts.

MiL obviously thinks she's "helping" But making personal comments and sending magazines for years is just cruel.
I think your daughter needs to say to her grandmother something along the lines of " Yes grandma, I have been overweight for some time and thanks to you (even if it isn't) I am now losing weight, but I would really rather not talk about it all of the time" and then start talking about something else. If she changes the subject everytime her grandmother starts on the subject, she will hopefully soon get the hint! If all else fails, she could start getting ready to leave or if on the phone say that she needs to do something for the baby, she'll talk again soon and then hang up!

Many years ago, a friend offered me a ticket to go to a concert with her and her mother whom i had never seen, let alone met
Mother and I shook hands
" Have you always been so fat?" said the whippet skinny woman ( i was about 13 stone having recently given birth to my 4th child)
" No, have you always been so rude?"
Don't think we ever spoke again but wish I could always be so quick.

Your DD needs to stand up for herself, very nicely, but firmly.

I expect her grandmother is just concerned about her and is trying to help - but it doesn't help at all. Can you not speak to your MIL about this, rather than asking your DH to do so?

Eglantine

Let's get this straight, no one who makes comments to the point of rudeness has a kind heart.

These people know what they are doing and they know they cause upset and embarrasment to the people on the recieving end. They are bitches pure and simple and I don't care what ages they are.

Why do people accept this. Any personnel comments that are nasty are not nessasary.

Some people seem not to be able to stop themselves doing this. If I went out with my sister and asked for a Coke, she would always get me a diet Coke. When I was in hospital and asked her to get me a size 14 dressing gown she bought a size 10. It happened too often to not be intentional.
I don't think that you can stop people politely but if you get cross they put on a hurt look as if you are being neurotic and they are only trying to help. I think that all you can do is reduce contact and explain why if asked. That will cause a temporary cessation (2 years in my case) but it will start again because it is who they are.
Sorry this isn't helpful but trying to change people's behaviour will just upset your daughter more. You feel that you just aren't getting through to them and waste time trying to think of the right way to put it, but they do know so it is a waste of energy and upset.

I disagree Rafichagran, I’m no way condoning it, and I was often furious at things my mother in law said, but she loved her grandchildren dearly, which didn’t stop her speaking her mind, they loved her, and just laughed it off! She certainly wasn’t a bitch

I remember when I was a teenager my dad used to constantly mention my weight, I was never petite but not was I overweight. As a result of this I developed an eating disorder and I have always had a problem with weight and body image although I ve maintained a fairly stable weight which is pretty average. Over the years as a family myself , my ex husband and our children turned it into s joke and we would have s bet on how long it would take Granda to mention weight which helped to relieve things a bit and now at the age of 88 he has stopped mentioning it to us personally. He often used to say you ve put on / lost weight before even saying hello?. Instead he has now turned his attention to my two little dogs who have been advised to lose a little bit by my vet. Best thing to do is to ignore it and recognise that they only say things like that because they care about you xx

What Eglantine suggested-pick on something which will annoy the grandmother and mention it every time she talks about weight

You’re right Shirls, I think we are often too sensitive about things, it helps to turn things into a joke, my mother in law has been dead for several years now, but we still laugh at some of the things she used to say

Can your daughter not tell her herself one adult to another and say that she finds it insulting and upsetting and unless it stops she will not visit. Getting someone else to do it she may not be getting the message.

Thank you all for your replies and advice.
My mil used to be quite overweight, she has lost her excess weight as she’s got older.
I myself need to lose weight because I suffer with fibromyalgia which isn’t helping me.
My mil did ask me a few years ago if I wanted to borrow her slimming world book, I didn’t respond because I thought it was rude of her, if I’d mentioned at the time I wanted to lose weight then maybe I could understand the offer.
I’m not sure why she has this obsession with people needing to lose weight.
My daughter feels like her grandmother doesn’t accept her the way she is ☹️
She’s a beautiful young lady, happy and healthy. According to Slimming world she’s got 3 stone to lose, she’s taking their advice whether that’s right or wrong ?