Feeling tugged in all directions

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go into respite care for 2 weeks. An unselfish person would suggest it themselves.

It’s not, but if you’ve ever looked after a disabled person (I do) you might find that they do become totally selfish.

People saying “take him with you” have no idea what some disabilities mean. My husband could not manage a long car journey in his wheelchair. Travelling on trains/buses are an unimaginable nightmare. Then you have the worry of being able to get into wherever you’re staying.

My husband needs hoisting in and out of bed, needs an air mattress as he cannot move himself, is doubly incontinent - it’s hard enough managing at home with aids, how do you manage without?

Sorry OP I can imagine what you’re going through. You might need to just tell him you’re going and his choice is carers coming in or a respite stay at a home. Not cheap though, either of them. You might get it paid for if you are on a low income and he has savings of less than £23k ish.

If I was you, I'd tell my husband quite firmly that I was going to help my daughter, and he was going to have to stay in respite, so he'd better resign himself to it!

I’m in the go and spend time with your daughter camp! The ideas already suggested for carers/respite are good ones. This is a precious bonding time for you and your daughter and the grand-babies and you should take it.

Your daughter must be aware of her father's limitations so to ask you to remove yourself from caring for him is a step too far. A day, 24hrs, yes, more than that and you would worry and that's not good for you.
Your daughter could get a doula for a couple of weeks or an au-pair/help from an agency to do housework and meal prep so she can concentrate on the babies but she should be able to manage 2 babies on her own.
They sleep a lot and she can rest when they do.
Plenty of mums manage so I'm sure your daughter will too.
Enjoy your time with her but if you went for longer and anything happened to your DH in your absence...think about it.
Best wishes and I hope you, your DH and DD can come to a happy arrangement.

Having cared for a total of TEN carees (!) I understand how torn you are feeling.
However, your daughter is going to need to learn how to manage on her own, and it's going to be a steep learning curve. She needs to find her way of dealing with things.
I'm in the New Forest, not too far from you, and it's easy to get to London on the M3 out of rush hour, and train travel is easy.
Why not arrange a carer for your husband for one day, to go and see the babies. Then do all the research you can about twins, recovery, domestic help, etc etc. Is there a twin club near her, for example?
What help does your husband currently receive?
Claiming Attendance Allowance?

Sometimes the attitudes on here frighten me - as if the OP was to be treated with disdain because she dared to ask if she could be with her daughter - OP I don't care if she's had one baby, you need and want to be there (doesn't NEED to be there?!) Its amazing that she's asked - even if she's managing well, this isn't about managing, its about being with your child with her children - you seize the invitation with both hands.

Carers are treated like crap by LA and HM Gov so the very least we can do, particularly on Gransnet where there are going to be more carers than usual, is support them 100%. As a few posters have suggested, you need to ask adult social services to come in and do a care assessment so that your DH has people coming in and giving you a break. Have you talked to your GP about this? As my friend's DH needed more and more help she arranged for him to have carers in first of all twice a day then 4 times a day with longer visits. She was entitled to 2 weeks respite where she went on holiday and he went into a home and eventually he began to go in 1 week out of every 6.

Of course it wasn't his choice, but this was the needs that must - you cannot care for him 24/7 for the rest of your lives. Then when things are settled your DD can bring those lovely babies to see him.

Why are people deliberately trying to make out that the Daughter's request comes from a place of being selfish and incompetent?! She wants her Mum!

I think that the words 'care home' are a bit scary once you get to a certain age and there is a feeling that once in there you stay there. I think it is better to only use the term 'respite break' or similar and to tell him that you have to go to your daughter and ask how he wants to deal with the situation. As others have said, have information and pictures available, near to where you will be if possible. He will dig his heels in if he thinks that will work so you have to decide if you are going to have the battle or not.

Speak to social services and see if you can get help with a carer going in for the two weeks.

I think you have to be tough with your husband and say that he needs to go to respite care for a couple of weeks whether he likes it or not! You are entitled to go and see your daughter and the new twins because believe me , she will need all the help that she can get! Twins do everything in stereo - but not always at the same time!
Maybe your husband is worried that if he goes into a home, that is where he will stay and maybe does realise how much hard work he is for you. The other alternative is to get either part time carers that pop in several times a day or a live in carer . Neither of which are cheap but the council funded ones take some time to arrange.
Just think of what would happen if you needed to go into hospital, and work to the same plan! Might be an idea to keep on some help when you return home too!

The issue here is what you want to do @jellybeanjean. It’s not about whether your daughter can manage or whether your husband wants to go into respite care. It’s about YOU wanting to spend time with your grandchildren and putting YOUR wishes first. It would make a pleasant change by the sound of it

It's strange actually that the husband is not more understanding of the situation. Even if the young woman had just one baby, she would still want her mum there. Why doesn't the man appreciate that he will have to be cared for by someone else temporarily?

I think being with her daughter and the new babies will give Jellybeanjean a much needed break from him.

Hithere
Having children isn't an illness and twins...you talk as if there are quads.

2 babies? Good grief. Imagine what help she'll need when they're 1 and 2 yrs old and mobile.
Shopping, piles of washing, cooking evening meal...however do other mums manage with more than 2 children?

Congratulations. Wonderful joyful future ahead. It's a no brainer, DD comes first. Good heavens what mean posts saying she's got to learn to cope on her own. And I'm sure she will given time. But one first baby is overwhelming even if things are going well, but twins! 2 weeks with a supportive, loving mother will be a massive help and boost her confidence, all good for the future.

Stick him in a respite home either in your area or near your DD. He i s being selfish and inconsiderate at best and he's had his life. Very miserable for him to be in his situation but that often comes with old age and it's not as if we don't get fair warning. Old age is not for sissies.

It's your and your DDs time. It will bring much joy and happiness to both of you. You won't regret it.

"Should be able to manage 2 babies on her own " and "they sleep a lot" - you obviously haven't had to care for twins!
They may well sleep a lot, but not necessarily at the same time!
When they need feeding, it is often at the same time - ever tried to feed two screaming babies at the same time? Not easy, believe me. Then twice the number of nappy changes, clothe changes etc - not a lot of time to get a rest! My sister in law used to just about hang out until my brother got home from work and grabbed a nap at 7pm before the next feed about 10 pm !

And Gabriella, true to form your post is particularly mealy mouthed.

I can only say if it was me, my other half would be told he is going into respite care for these 2 weeks and it is going to be a regular occurrence in the future. You need respite from your disabled husband too, and if that means visiting your daughter or going away for a weekend break that's how it's going to be. Old and disabled people do not often consider their carers at all as they don't see the stress involved in long term looking after them. Go and help your daughter. It may not be a rest but a change can be just as good.

Maybe you could go up and help your daughter to travel to come down to you?
That way, you could help and DH gets to see the new grandchildren?
Except I suppose then the twins daddy won’t see them for a week. But otherwise how will your DH ever see his grandchildren as newborns? Seems a shame that he should miss out.

Time with your grand children at the right time for them and their mum takes priority. The only thing is how are you going to arrange care for you husband. As others have said ther is respite in a local home in London, or in bournemouth, or carers coming into your home 3 times a day whilst you are away to get your husband up and give him breakfast, and leave him a thermous etc. like you do. then at tea time to see he is OK and make a snack for his supper and then third time at be d time. You make need to have a key safe put on an outside wall so that they can let themselves in and get on with the tasks you are paying for.

The expenditure will be well worth while as an investment in your relationship with your daughter and grand children.

All the best.

GabriellaG54

Hithere
Having children isn't an illness and twins...you talk as if there are quads.

2 babies? Good grief. Imagine what help she'll need when they're 1 and 2 yrs old and mobile.
Shopping, piles of washing, cooking evening meal...however do other mums manage with more than 2 children?

We just get on with it - and Op’s Daughter will too once she gains confidence - my first was just 1 but I still wanted my mums knowledge and support and I enjoyed the joy that first GC gave her too.
Of course she will cope but there’s nothing wrong with family live and support at such a joyous time and twins are hard work.

There is a lot of negativity here towards the husband but we don't know how well he is mentally and to talk about shoving him into a home is plain unkind. That is not to say that I don't think wanting to go and look after dd and gc is unreasonable. Carers do need to be looked after too and have their needs recognised - you should be able to have a holiday break at least once a year for your own mental health and I think this is something your dh does need to understand and it should be organised on a regular basis. Were your dh used to this he would not be so taken aback now.
As for the now situation I would get someone in from social services and have a consultation with your husband in which he can take part. It needs to be explained to him that you need regular breaks if you are going to carry on being his full time carer. Suggestions should be put to him and he should be permitted to choose which option but your not having a break is not one of them. It just so happens that you wish to spend this break with your dd and dgc. I think he should be asked as well if he wants to see the gc and how that could be arranged in the future. Try to make him part of what is happening.
Be warned however it may not be easy to get respite or carers at this short notice so you will need to be very firm with social services that you need this time away.
Good luck with it all. I do hope a happy compromise can be found. You don't want to be away worrying about your dh.

GabrielaG54,

The daughter just had a major medical event.
It is not only about the babies, she is recovering from giving birth.

We do not know if she has complications, csection, difficult birth, etc.
She wants her mom with her for support.

This is not about the birth of the twins and the daughter's reqiest.

This is about the OP's father selfishness.
What is going to happen when OP burns down?

Oh dear.Am I the only person in the western world who finds it difficult to understand why mothers need help instantly they have a baby. How I managed having a daughter then twins 30 months later with no family around and a husband who worked away I wonder why I haven't been awarded a medal. Whilst understandably you want to be able to visit your daughter your priority is your husband. Would your DH be able to go with you or engage a carer to help out. Or, turn it around and your daughter hire some help for two weeks. This may seem harsh but I am mystified at why so many just can't cope or immediately feel they should need "help". Do none of them consider what having children actually involves.

Definitely go to your daughter. She may be feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and a bit down. Twins are such a joy and I have had so much pleasure from my DD’s. She probably just needs her mum right now. Tell your husband that you are arranging two weeks of respite care and book it. It will give you a break from him and give you perspective as to whether your care arrangements for him are working or not and whether you need to change things. It’s actually a win-win if you look at it that way!

You could employ a carer from a local agency for £16 hour and get them twice a day for couple of hours? Or you could phone universal aunts in London and get someone for a week or two who lives in. I used to work for them they’re fantastic! But you need a spare bedroom for them. Or you could look at Rothbury House , Northumberland who do holidays ? Beautiful place ! Not a nursing home just elderly or disabled holidays. If you get carers few hours a day you should activate all friends relatives neighbours for help. You can get a delivery of food online and pick a slot when carers are there so he doesn’t have to worry about that. I really hope you get to your daughter !!! I remember wanting my mum so badly when I gave birth and she not coming ! I knew something was wrong and midwife ignored me ! So I went to A&E and was rushed blue lights across London to baby hospital and on a sun tan machine! Your hubby has to sacrifice his comfort. He’ll survive.