Feeling tugged in all directions

Hello.
I understand your dilemma and wonder if you have a care home in mind for your husband. If he could visit and be reassured maybe he would welcome the idea. If you were to speak to the manager of a chosen home they could visit you at home to talk it over with you both and arrange a visit. Don't give up spending precious time with your daughter and her new babies.
Time apart from your husband might be good for you both.
Good luck

anniefrance

Mealy-mouthed = afraid to speak frankly or in a straightforward manner.
That can never be said of me as virtually everyone on GN knows.
It's a good idea to be aquainted with the meaning of phrases one types.

Hithere
No c-section was mentioned and giving birth is not a major medical event.

When my daughter-in-law had her twins I went up each week to London on the train and stayed the night. She said that it was a lifeline knowing that help was there one night and two days a week. I did it for six months. You said that your husband could cope with one night on his own, so perhaps this would be the answer? Maybe a neighbour or friend could pop in and check on him for you? Congratulations on the birth of your grandchildren.

HootyMcOwlFace - I think you’re one of the 144,000 saints who walk quietly and anonymously on the earth. I can’t imagine how much patience and faith you need to cope !! You have my admiration medal ?

OK Gabriella, mea culpa but as ever you were out to be unpleasant and judgemental about a perfectly reasonable post by someone who loyalties were divided and just wanted some comments/ideas whether pro or con whichever family member without your nastiness.

Yes congratulations to all of you! Yes i agree with some others,could your husband go with you,im sure he would also love to see his own grandchildren,maybe it didnt go down well as he feels left out,unwanted? Is there space for both of you at your daughters house,or could some be made temporarily? You could still compromise on a week,instead of two? Just for her to find her feet,but not regret having asked for two weeks? ( you know how it is,you ask for rellies to stay,then quickly realise house isnt big enough for all of you)not that im saying youre just anyone but you know what i mean- (its like at christmas)im sure theres a compromise,or if DH does not want to go too maybe theres someone who can help out? Or council care help or respite care? For just a week might be a good compromise.maybe after that if your DD feels up to it she can come to you a few days,complete with babies? So proud grandad can enjoy them too?flowers for you all

I have an excellent company to care for my Husband they are called Bluebird. They are very obliging and staff are very well trained. There are offices all over the Country.

Yes the suggestion of a night or two or daytime help is also a good compromise? Your DD may find she doesnt need as much help as she first thought and im sure shes thought over her fathers needs too before asking you.maybe she meant BOTH of you in the first place? Could be crossed wires maybe.

Completely understandable that you feel torn but this is really something you need to tackle now; to get things in place from the beginning to enable you to visit your daughter and your grandchildren. Don't forget that you'll want to visit on an ongoing basis - how are you going to do that and make sure your husband is safe? If you back away from this now, things will only get worse later on - IMO. You really need to offer your husband a choice of respite care (either in a home or with a carer visiting) or find a way to take him, but it needs to be tackled now (and don't waver in your resolution to help your daughter, or you'll lose the opportunity). Good luck x

As i said earlier,maybe your DH wants to go see his GC too,but feels left out,was he asked if he wants to? And yes im sure at some workplaces they get not much paternity leave,but has your SIL asked for a bit more leave? Or some holidays he could take maybe? Yes im sure 2 babies at once are hard work,and a bit daunting,but maybe theres help where she lives ask at a college or uni if theres girls on social care or nursery nursing courses who'd like a bit of experience maybe?whatever you decide on,dont just shove your DH in a home telling him" you have to" as that will only cause bad feeling all round i feel?im sure you will all reach a compromise.good luck.

I think you should stay with your husband. I know you want to be with your daughter and babies but to push his needs aside seems a bit rough. He needs you and he is also your daughter's father. We were a military family and often neither set of grandparents were able to be with us. We managed with a support system of friends and military spousesz Sometimes we as grandmothers think the whole world and family will come crashing down if we don't race in to solve any problems. It is a precious time in your grandchildren's lives but it is also very precious and needed in your husband's. I would feel very hurt and unwanted if I were in his position. You and he will remember this time. The babies and even uour daughter will not I believe.

Posters who say the daughter should manage two babies , unless they’ve had twins themselves, you don’t know what you’re talking about! It’s nothing like having a single baby!

Poor woman if she has to take second place to a selfish man. And poor OP being torn. You definitely need to think of regular respite for yourself. Carers of anyone need a life for themselves too.

I am sorry, but why does your daughter need help,i know there are 2 babies[i had twins ] but people manage,unless she is ill, can't her husband take more time off or maybe a relative who doesn't have your responsibilities
I understand you want to see the babies, but i think your husband needs you too,could he go with you
Should have said congratulations ,twins are lovely

Giving birth to twins is a major medical event!My daughter had a section, a dangerous drop in BP and a haemorrhage

You are the carer for your hubby, does your daughter not know this? I think she is being very rude by asking you to give her a couple of weeks help. New mothers of today want it all, the fuss, the sounding board when she is tired, will be you. Do you really want to be her slave? By all means go and see your new grandchildren but make it a short visit, remember you are the carer for your hubby not your daughter. Why has she left it until now to request your assistance? She had 40 weeks or so to discuss this with both of you. Sounds to me, your daughter is a demanding so and so and is only thinking of herself. You will come away very exhausted and possibly even wanting to return to a normal life that you know. Enjoy your visit but don’t stay for 2 weeks, your daughter will cope ok on her own and get into a routine fast. Remember you aren’t paid to be her carer or babysitter

My late DH thoroughly enjoyed his two weeks in a care home. Great favourite I was told with the ladies
Lucky them!
As his main carer I was allowed respite and feel sure that you too could obtain this for your H as it is only natural you want to be with DD.
Your H is being very selfish.

Your daughter needs you. My daughter had twins by section and needed all the help she could get in those first few weeks. Your husband has you all year round . Please encourage him to accept alternative care. He might quite enjoy the change of scene/ carers coming in etc.

Congratulations on the new arrivals.

Honestly, your husband is being selfish and if it is at all possible to get him into respite care, or to employ someone to come in daily for two weeks to do the things you do, you should go right ahead and fix care up for him, so you can be with your daughter.

You can do with a rest from being your husband's primary carer too, and the girl is his daughter, isn't she and the babies his grandchildren!

It is not unreasonable to expect an 81 year old to go into a fortnight's respite care - my father was 88 when he agreed to do so and liked it so well that he jumped at the first opportunity of going into the nursing home on a permanent basis, too.

One of the sad things about both serious illness and old age is that both tend to make the person concerned become selfish, which is what has happened to your husband.

However much you love him, which you obviously do, there is no reason why you should not tell him that in this instance your daughter comes first and that he is being selfish in stating a preference for your remaining at his side.

Off you go and enjoy being a maternity nurse instead of a geriatric one for a wee while!

jellybeanjean If I were you I might consider finding a care at home agency and booking a once a day 30 minute carer call for say mid to late afternoon.

It’s far less drastic than a care home and it may be useful at other times in the future to have set this up.

Good luck.

Kimrus What world do you live in where a wife' gets paid' caring for a sick husband.

I am just wondering when poor jellybean (along with countless other unsung caring heroes) are meant to have any downtime, and a chance to recharge their batteries.

To those who are poo-poohing her daughter's request for her mum to help, because they just got on with it, I say congratulations and well done you. But you are not the OP's daughter, and your children are not her children. The OP's daughter for whatever reason, feels she needs a bit of additional support. So she turns to the person she trusts more than anyone else.

To those saying that jellybean should take her husband with her - are you serious? He needs a ton of care, which jellybean would presumably still have to provide, alongside supporting her daughter.

I think taking him with her would just about break her in two. Likewise with the suggestion of the daughter and the twins coming to stay with her.

Jellybean - of COURSE you want to be with your daughter and the babies, and if it is at all possible (financially) I think you should organise care for your husband whilst you are away.

Once your daughter is established with the babies, and has got them into a comfortable routine, then if it is logistically possible, take your husband down for a visit so he can see the grandchildren.

But I think, at least on this occasion, you should put your daughter first.

Congratulations,of course you should go to support your daughter for a couple of weeks.As you are a full time carer you should be able to access respite for your DH. If you have a Carers organisation in your area you should contact them and they will advise you of what is available.

“Surely you should be allowed respite from full-time caring.”
Can’t see much respite in this scenario! You would be stepping into a situation which will probably be far harder work. Your daughter knows that you look after her dad, therefore it is quite selfish for her to expect you to put him in care so that you can come and help her! To be honest, if she needs help after the first 2 weeks, why can’t her husband take extra time off to help her? The babies are their responsibility!

I can understand why your husband isn’t happy. If he had been in respite before, maybe for a few days, while you had a short break, he might have been more receptive! However to decide that you want to put him in care now to go and look after your daughter may seem to him that he isn’t important now she has a family. To spring this on him at such short notice is cruel.

To those saying you don’t want to miss out on this time with your daughter, the likelihood is that your daughter and family will still be in your life long after your husband!

Of course you should go to your daughter! Trust your instincts. There's a reason we humans lose our fertility at middle age and that's to help look after our children's children. Takes a village and all that... DH has you as a full time carer, he should grow up now he's in his eighties and be less selfish.

My daughters MIL was in a similar situation. She arranged care for her DH while she went off to help her daughter with her first baby. He wasnt happy about it but soon settled down and after that had respite care now and then to give his wife a break.
It worked out ok in the end and helped his wife cope better when he was at home.