Feeling tugged in all directions

I have found myself looking to see what GABRIELLA 54 has to say, just to see if she has caused yet another argument with the other posters with her somewhat mean remarks (aka speaking frankly and in a straightforward manner.

Please don’t be giving me a scolding☹️

4allweknow that was my situation exactly! I had a csection which through medical neglect brought on huge problems. I coped with 3 under 3 alone and am proud of my achievement. Twins are a handful and it would have been lovely to have my mum or husband there but it wasn’t possible - and I survived! It’s only delaying the inevitable when she will have to cope alone. Having said all that if the OP wants to go that’s fine (I would to) but she will have to ensure her DH’s health and safety first as I’m sure she would never forgive herself if something untoward happened to him whilst she was away.

@lovemabub There's a reason we humans lose our fertility at middle age and that's to help look after our children's children.

The stupidest thing I have EVER read on Gransnet!

Chucky totally agree !!

Goldenage, unfortunately social services can't always help or at least not quickly, our social services has an 8 week wait for an assessment to be done before we can be allocated any care.

Congratulations!
Of course you want to be part of this very precious first few weeks with your daughter! It’s not just practical help, but wisdom of her mum and emotional support too. Could you compromise and just go for a few days and ask the new dad to take holiday for the rest of the time? AgeUK or Carers UK might offer some help re Carers/respite - at least advise what’s available in your area.

“Stick him in a respite home” one poster states, and numerous others agree?????????
Golly, how cold, callous and uncaring that sounds. As if the person chose to be disabled and dependent. If he hasn’t ever been to respite care before, how worried, unsettled and panicked might he feel?
My other thought is what happens after the 2 weeks? Is mum of twins suddenly on her own again? Does dad get dumped permanently in a care home?
I think I’m just shocked as to how many posters have been totally unsympathetic towards the disabled husband and adamant that the new mum is a far more important consideration. Surely both should be considered equally? Especially as no prior discussions have taken place and no sensible plans made!

Congratulations on the grandchildren.
I am another one that thinks you should not go for two weeks but maybe for the odd night now and again.

Would your son in law really want you staying for 2 weeks?
Might not he feel a bit pushed out?

If he comes home from work every night for two weeks to find that he is not needed, might this set a pattern for the future where he always feels that your daughter relies on your help rather than his?

jellybeanjean, congratulations on becoming a grandmother to twins. It is obvious from your post that you are torn between wanting to go to your daughter and help her with the new babies, and the commitment you already have in caring for your physically disabled husband.

Helping care for newborn twins could be hard work and although it might seem more enjoyable than caring for an elderly spouse it does not exactly give you a break. Whether you stay at home with your husband or travel to be with your daughter you are still in a carers role.

Many of the suggestions made by other posters, whether to bring in extra help for your daughter, or help for your husband, or residential/respite care are all very well but that is presuming that there are either free local authority care places available, or that you/your family can afford nannies, carers, care homes etc. I know IVF can be financially crippling for some families and not everyone qualifies for free NHS treatment, so don't know whether your daughter and her husband would be able to afford help or if it is just because your daughter wants her mum there. It's perfectly understandable that you would want to be there for your daughter, to help and to share these first few precious weeks of their lives.

If your husband requires medical aids, lots of medication, personal care etc I can see it might be impractical to consider traveling with him - and even if he did want to go it would be twice as much work for you with him and your daughter and her twins. Was this sprung on him recently or has it been on the table during your daughter's pregnancy? It may have come as a bit of a shock to him if he hadn't even considered you leaving him for a few weeks or him having to have other carers or to go elsewhere! You say the suggestion didn't go down well - by this can we infer your husband is capable of decision making? Is his a knee-jerk reaction, stubbornness, wanting care to come from you and you alone, fear of staying elsewhere or having strangers coming in to his home?

I'm sure you have considered all these types of things and hope whatever decisions or compromises you make can work for all of you. I wish you well and congratulations again.

On a side note, I sometimes require more care than other times, and depending on his reason for wanting/needing time out/time away I might not be happy about it but would work with my better half as his wants, needs and wishes are important to me - and, a bit selfishly, if he is rested, able to have time away every now and then he is less likely to resent all the help he does give me, be refreshed and more relaxed etc. I would never begrudge him a break and am acutely aware he would not leave me for trivial reasons. Carers are the unsung, often-unpaid heroes of our society = providing round-the-clock care from a place of love - back to that age old question of 'who cares for the carers' - everybody needs time out sometimes. and for your daughter too.

jellybeanjean, i can certainly understand hoe you feel torn, between what you need to to and what you want to do. Those seem to be the hardest decisions, between head and heart.

This also seems to be a very divisive issue so I shall try and stay out of the fray.

First, I think it's natural to be excited for newborn baby cuddles, smells and coos. How exciting for your daughter and her DH welcoming two bundles of joy. And how wonderful that your daughter has asked you to come help her during such a life changing time. A true testament to your relationship.

Your daughter wants you do come for 2 weeks, but she does not need you to come for 2 weeks. There is nothing wrong with wanting.

However, your DH's needs should trump her wants.

Now before everyone jumps down my throat here's my question to you. I know you love your DH dearly and have been his carer. Which is selfless and loving of you. But, is it too much? If his needs that you are handling on your own are so great that you cannot step a way for 1 week (a good compromise, in my opinion) perhaps its time to enlist some help (as I've seen suggested on here) on a regular basis.

It's not abandoning him, it's helping you, too. And you sound like you could use some help. There's no shame in getting a little help. You should be able to take a break when you need it. Full time caring is hard work, emotional work.

So, my advice is to set up some regular help, even if it's a few hours a few times a week. Let your DH learn to trust other carers, get a little more freedom for your self. You'll be refreshed.

It also sets you up for longer term. If you have carers your DH and you trust you can step away more often for a long weekend of week long visit to your daughter more regularly in the future without the guilt or stress.

I'm sure there is also a little jealousy happening with your DH. He will be left behind while you go off to visit your daughter and get all the new baby good feelings. I don't blame him for not liking this scenario. I would feel like a burden and left behind, too.

I would also be sure to talk about the times int he future (when the babies are older) when daughter, son-in-law and babies can come visit you. Shouldn't be too long. We started traveling with our littles at 6 months. It will give DH something to look forward too and not feel as left out.

So, while your daughter wants you to visit and you want to visit for such a long stretch, your DH currently needs you more. My suggestion is to change things up so he's not so depended on just you.

Hope this help.

I am not as up to date as when I was working but try Crossroads Care. They might still provide in home temporary care - not free - but might help in the short term.

Once you go home again how will daughter manage? I care for my husband and in the same situation wouldn't go to help daughter- husband has a need it would be nice for daughter to have help but it's not a need of the same magnitude The father will presumably be there outside of working hours Also respite care is not easy to come by and is very expensive Respite can also cause detorioration in the cared for

I would try and reach a compromise
Maybe 2 weeks is too long so try and arrange a career for your husband for a week. Even though he’s 81 and needs you, your daughter needs you too and he’s being a bit selfish. You don’t want to miss this precious time.

This is not about your dd, or your dh.

It is about you, what you need as a person.

Whatever you decide, your dd will cope, your dh will manage to make it work too.

Despite care should be routinely set up for you, to take care of your own needs.

Put yourself first, you are also a person with needs and wants.

Do you have something called 'Adult Daycare' in the UK?.

It's a government assisted program available in most of our communities (USA), to seniors with varying degrees of disability who still live at home. Your loved one is picked up at home (around 9-10 AM) by van and taken to nearby care home where they join other seniors and participate in planned activities. They are given a snack and a decent lunch and returned home by mid afternoon or sometime before supper.

Adult daycare and a part time carer could offer an affordable (two tier) solution. Part time care (about four hours) would be enough for someone to arrive in the morning to get him dressed, give him breakfast etc., and get him on time to his daycare pickup. Carer would then use the remaining two hours to make the bed, tidy up, do laundry as needed and leave him a prepared meal for his evening supper. If there's no one available for afternoon drop off, drivers are supposed to assist until seniors are safely inside their own home. A list of emergency phone nos. by his bedside and a willing neighbor to check up on him most evenings, might give you the peace of mind you are looking for.

Not sure if all this is enough, but in your case, I'm thinking you're going to need a combined solution.

Congratulations on your twin GC BTW!! We also have twin grandchildren....boy and girl who are now sixteen years old. First several weeks were quite overwhelming, so your daughter will need all the help she can get. Good luck and God bless

(This is why we need an edit option)

Needed to add the following: My post takes into account that travelling is not an option for your DH. Is he able to travel?If yes, then why can't he go too?

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity never to be repeated. You deserve some pleasure as life must be very hard for you.
Surely at some point your husband will let you have a break. No time like the present!! Good luck.

Would it be possible for your daughter to come to you? Both our DD and DDIL have done this and it worked well

My youngest daughter has a friend who had premature IVF twins and are just coming up to a year old (same as DGD). Her husband works away a lot and both sets of parents live a long way off. Both babies still wake up at least twice a night (at different times) and have many food allergies and intolerances. She has never slept for more than 2 hours since they were born and is a total zombie. The idea a husband can just take time off is risible - it would probably be only allowed as unpaid leave. I agree that the OP should spend time with her daughter. Amazing how many carers are women. I believe a lot of men run a mile when it’s the other way round.

I wish jellybean would respond so we have a bit more of a picture?

How long have you been caring without a break?

Is DH the DD's Dad?

Is he able to travel?

There are a lot of assumptions going on here!

I must say I am quite shocked at all the "tell him he's going into respite and that's that" type of comment. He's probably already upset enough at not being well enough to travel to see the twins with his wife (are they his grandchildren too?) and to add insult to injury by shoving him in an institution against his wishes would be just dreadful. The OP mentions the husband's age in a way that makes me think he is a lot older than her. Well in a way it was therefore to be expected that eventually he would become frail before she did. I want the OP to be able to visit her grandchildren but to do it in a way that won't make him feel completely left out and unimportant. Either get the daughter and twins to her house to look after or somehow get the husband down there nearby so she can still pop in to serve him a meal and see he's ok and have the babies to visit him for a little while each day.

Seems to me that Jellybean doesn’t known who is the most important to her. I always put my husband first.
When I had my babies my husband was working away most of the time and I had no help from my mother. It was just after the war and Lived in a couple of attic rooms with no facilities other than a cold tap and lavatory. I managed.
As for putting husband in a care home. Last year after a stay in hospital I was put into a care home for respite care for a week. One of the worse weeks of my long life.

You can get live in carers from an agency. They will have been checked. Slightly cheaper than a care home as they don’t charge per hour but by the week I think.

This will be such a wonderful time for you, your DD and the twins. You can arrange support for you DH through an agency, (it's expensive, but probably cheaper than respite care). If DH agrees to one week, you could save the second week for another visit to be with DGs. Have a wonderful time.

We once had to hurriedly arrange a respite care home for our DM when her usual support network was unavailable and she was recovering from a fall. We, her DC were away on holiday.

Nothing as important as your situation.

She didn't much like it though it wasn't awful. She was very glad to get home again and appreciated being home far more afterwards.

Congratulations on the new babies. You MUST be with them at this time.