How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

Well I think it's all so insensitive of them. U actually travelled along way to babysit I think these other grandparents should be told including DIL that you matter just as much and you are not to be treated as an inconvenience. I would be fuming too!!

palliser65, that is my point exactly ... being expected to leave on the morning of GCs birthday, and no one thinking to say that perhaps it would be nice to ask me to stay, even if it meant moving into a local hotel for a night or two. It would've been nice to be asked. I wasn't originally meant to be there at that time, as I've previously stated, that the other GM specifically told me months ago that they would be visiting then, so basically letting me know that it wouldn't be convenient for us to be there at the same time. It was only because there was an urgent problem with childcare that I had to go over, until the other GPs arrived as planned. But of course, regardless of that fact, it would've been nice to be asked if we would like to go over to celebrate GCs first birthday. There is no jealously involved, just great disappointment and upset.

We have known our DiL, and her parents for many years and have, up until GC came along, had a pretty good relationship with them (although she has always been bossy!). Spending several Christmases all together, and even holidays. Sadly, DiL's mother has since become the over-bearing maternal GM, who totally disregards everyone else's feelings. Unfortunately, DiL will not say anything to her, and DS keeps his mouth shut for want of a quiet life! So I fear that this situation will never change. It is something that the rest of us are simply going to have to deal with. I'm coming to terms with than now, and I know that my husband and I need to do our own thing, and not concern ourselves with what the other GPs are planning.

I agree with many of the comments above, and the need to focus on the good times you do have.
Since I divorced from my first husband 12 years ago I have celebrated Christmas Day with my Sons and my DHs lovely daughter and grandson on the 27th December not the 25th. We do the presents, and the big Christmas lunch etc.
On the 25th my DH and I spend a quiet day together walking the dog and enjoying having the TV to ourselves!
It used to bother me that other families were all together on the 25th and a couple of times I tried to suggest they all come to us on the 25th to no avail and I soon realised that those thoughts just spoilt the 25th for me and DH. It has become our own tradition now and with a new Dil and granddaughter added to the family I just enjoy ‘Christmas Day’ on a different day and don’t think about the date.
It’s lovely that you can still go to see your family (I’m sure if any of ours moved abroad we would struggle to afford to go and visit) and with Skype etc you can keep in touch really easily these days too.
It’s so wonderful being a grandparent don’t risk doing/saying anything to jeopardise your relationship with your DGC.

Speaking from experience here, due to illness and being 400 miles away this happens regularly to hubby and myself, apart from the fact that son and daughter in law send us a full rundown of the day, which is wonderful. Daughter in laws mum constantly puts pics up on the dreaded Facebook definitely aimed at us saying how much she is loved by the grandchildren and what she does with them etc etc. On the few times a year that we do see them she muscles in on our time even though daughter-in-law has told her to stay away. However upsetting it is, I genuinely don’t let it bother me anymore, if she wants to be childish and pathetic then that’s her problem it actually shows me her insecurities.
I honestly wouldn’t say anything nansnet at the moment, I do understand how hurt and upset it makes you, but your grandchild is only one and I promise you from experience that as they get older, they will make a wonderful bond with you and things may smooth out a bit, but if they don’t, then just amuse yourself with all the needy and silly posts that she puts on Facebook because I can bet your bottom dollar that other people see them as well and probably notice how “needy”she looks. I’m not very good at explaining things but I do feel for you, and I genuinely understand where you are coming from, but don’t get bitter or angry over it, because those feelings will make you feel destroyed.

Nansnet, you could have been describing my eldest son and DIL and most DIL's mother. DIL's mother is selfish and nasty at every opportunity. She has been like this since the first time we met. She so obviously wanted my husband and I out of the picture. We too were left out of the first birthday celebrations and the Second too! We have had terrible upsets over the last two years and we do not have anything to do with the other GP now. They didn't speak to us at he our son and DIL's wedding wedding even though we tried very hard. Our son will not go against DIL or other GM regardless of how wrong they may be. He says they will be dead in 10 years so just to suck it up for now!! Our other son tells us his brother is anything for an easy life'. So yes, try to accept what you have or I think it will get worse for you. Try not to dwell on what the other GP have or do. It has taken us a lot of time and more heartache than I would wish on anyone!!

'and my DIL's mother'

I haven't read all the replies but just want to add that being resentful and angry makes for an unattractive person.
I can sense the smoldering undercurrent in the air as you left before the party.
It's a hard situation to retreat from and all a bit too serious.
Cheer up. Count your many blessings, Send a card to the family giving plenty of notice of your next visit.

The games we play - eh?

It's quite shocking isn't it really, that there are some GMs who do so much to upset the other one, without seemingly thinking about the upset their actions may cause. Especially when you're an easy-going person yourself, who wouldn't dream of deliberately upsetting anyone, or excluding them from something that would obviously mean a lot to them.

I also have a daughter and, if one day she has a child, I know for a fact that both she and I will be totally inclusive as far as her partner's parents are concerned. I would never dream of becoming like my DiL's mother. The GC would be just as important to them as it would be to us, and no GP deserves to feel the way that I, and many other posters here, have been made to feel.

I totally understand that daughters will usually always gravitate towards their own mother, and I completely understand that ... I'm a daughter myself! But the way some GMs and DiLs behave is quite unnecessary really.

So, lighten up some of you grandmothers, and daughters-in-law (you know who you are!) ... and treat your co-grandparents the way you'd like to be treated yourselves!

Thank you for letting us know how you now feel. I do sowish I knew how others were getting on after posting on here. Very many best wishes to you. You're doing the right thing and will reap the benefit. I do understand how upset you must feel but very much doubt any intention to hurt was there, just thoughtlessnesss at a busy time. Facebook oversharing is for the lonely and nothing, nothing like their real lives.

I entirely understand how you feel having had similar experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said," Have you any idea how you are making me feel? " But it wouldn't do any good with someone as insensitive as that. I have had to stop myself making the sign of the cross on these occasions and saying, " I'm praying for you." but it would make me look like a nutter.

Well said Nansnet! (Last post)

Such a good post Bradfordlass
I always say to my sensitive daughter and DH who take everything personally that most people JUST DON’T THINK as they are far too engrossed in their own world.
Their hurting you is plain coincidental. It is healthier to think that way and give people the benefit of doubt.

Lumarei, I'm sure you are correct. I'm pretty sure that the other GM is so engrossed in her own selfish little world that she has no idea that her actions are hurtful to others. I will do my best to rise above it. I know I'm better than that.

When my D & her partner bought a house we helped them no end, (hubby is stepfather) new kitchen, bathroom, curtains etc, then when she had a baby I called to see them & the poor thing was crying nonstop. I could tell by the way she was crying she was dehydrated so I said D!s partner to give her a little boiled, cooled water to which I was told to mind my own and you can’t give a baby water, she then told me to stay away! Thank goodness the midwife walked in, she asked me to go and buy a readymade carton of baby milk and told D to get boiled cooled water and give her that while I got back saying GD was dehydrated and hungry, D had tried to breastfeed but no milk was getting through due to a reduction op she’d had some years before. I walked out then and my D begged me not to go, she said partner didn’t mean it, but I saw the venom spitting out of her mouth.
I cried as I walked all the way home
Our relationship started on a downward spiral after that! When partners relations came over we put them up and fed them every time because they didn’t have the room. Then they moved, back to our home town. We kept on visiting, staying in a hotel taking them out for meals etc
Then when it came to birthdays we were asked if we were going and when we got there we were shoved in the front room and told by D’s partner, ‘you can all stay in there, I can’t do with you in the kitchen/diner while I’m preparing food’. Then within half an hour her family would arrive, go into the kitchen and passing the living room door wouldn’t even look in and say hello, except for her brother and BiL. We were then left in the front room and by this time there’d be no room for our family and without being offered anything until her family had virtually taken what they wanted!
The other thing that got my goat was if something drastic went wrong like when the boiler burst, can we help because ‘it’s January and we’ve got no hot water or heating....Hubby organised urgent delivery of a boiler and when the guy realised they’d sent the wrong one UPGRADED it at no extra cost because he knew my Hubby! We were never even offered any money towards the £890 it cost us, not that we would have took it but it makes me feel used!
They moved back when my GD was a baby and when she got to about 9/10 every time we went D’s partner would make some excuse to take her out...needed clothes, shoes, school stuff, it got that I hardly ever saw her! Now both she and the younger girl are virtual strangers to whom I send money for birthday, Christmas, going on holiday, passing exams etc! Last year I posted jewellery for oldest girl’s birthday 18th, by special delivery, I don’t know if she liked it because I had to message my D to even find out if it had been received!
5 years ago my H was taken seriously ill and when he got better we asked if they would like to go to Disney, Paris, they jumped at it. All we asked was to help with driving and help me with his wheelchair. We stayed in the top hotel, all food except lunch paid for, my H says I shouldn’t take notice and I don’t do things to get anything back we did it because I love them but at least they could show some respect.
My D and Partner had a civil ceremony when it was first passed in law some years ago and I wasn’t asked to go, or told about it until I saw a photo in their living room. Yet her family went. That really hurt!!! Just after that they adopted a baby girl, she is now 12 and the last time we saw her she was allowed to come and stay for a few days last year, we offered to take her back but was told ‘no, we can pick her up’, they did and my GD came too, they stayed exactly an hour and a half, that is the last time I saw any of them. I used to text them to see how they are but often just got a cursory answer, if I asked a question, they don’t bother answering. It’s now been 3 years and apart from my fathers funeral and that one ‘flying’ visit I’ve seen nor heard nothing. And that’s what happens when you stay quiet and try not to upset anyone!
Seems to me when the money ran out and you get too old they don’t want to know you.
I did get a text from her to say she heard that my dog had died and was sorry, the week after I got a text to say her partners brother had died and that she had been getting chest pains and was going for a heart scan, answered I was sorry I about BiL dying and about her heart and that I’d had a heart problem for over a year too, she’s not bothered answering me!
Our side of the family don’t get birthday cards or presents or Christmas presents, I get a card from my D but it’s always at least 4 days late! Yet we all send cards and gifts although this year I didn’t send a gift to DiL but I did send a card, neither if my sons have had a birthday card for years, I just tell them to be the bigger person but I don’t know if I’m right ??? DiL openly shows her dislike of them both and also for my eldest sons wife.
Sometimes I think you can’t do anything right no matter what you do and now I’m getting old I can’t be bothered!!!!