How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

Bradfordlass
Thank you for your post at 04.29.
I'm going to keep this post because 'these situations' are always cropping up between my daughter and my OH.
I'm a 'let it go' person but neither of them are.
I believe that very few people sit there and think of ways to upset people but OH always believes that it's deliberate and personnel.
I do understand where OH is coming from as he is the most caring/ thinking of others person that you could meet.
The trouble is, he just can't understand why everyone isn't like him.

I would suggest blocking your daughter’s MIL on Facebook. What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over. You can always unblock her if you change your mind.

Least said, soonest mended. However it’s unwise of her to put photos FB.

I think it's time your son asserted his authority about what happens in his home with his child and his parents. Sounds like DIL needs to stand up to her bossy parents too.

I agree with Bradfordlass - I have had to stop myself from thoughts of being snubbed several times. I tell myself that it may not be all about me! - and it generally isn't!

I can understand the OP feeling sad about the situation; but it is important not to interpret it as a deliberate snub.

Grow some balls OP
Sons are useless at things like this. Tell him you’re upset and feel pushed out!
You’ve done enough for him and your DIL this is rude, thoughtless behaviour.

Poor you ....It sounds like a bit of a minefield. I agree with Dillyduck tho, unless they make a stand with this “controlling woman” they are enabling her to fester unhealthy family dynamics, which will eventually impact on the child. They need to start as they mean to go on, they need to control the visits and ensure all are treated fairly. Good luck ....

With hindsight you could have booked the hotel room yourself, without being invited by your GS and then just informed them you were staying for an extra few days - not up to the MiL when you stay or leave if you are not even in your GS home!
I think you need to speak to your son and ask about the photos with the presents you gave to your GC. They may (and probably were overwhelmed with the number of gifts and forgot who had given what!
I must admit that I always smile when I see people making a big fuss of their childs/GC 1st birthday , saying they are "making memories" - who for? The baby certainly won't remember ! I have often mentioned thing to my GS about when he was a child and he doesn't remember many of them !
If the MiL is so obnoxious, suggest that for future birthdays/ Christmas and New Year, that you set p an arrangement that you are either there a week before birthdays or a week after and arrange a celebration for then - it will make the GC feel special to have an extra long birthday - if MiL is there for Christmas, arrange to be there for New Year - even if staying in a hotel so that way you will be around for a special time of year.

It’s 114 days until Christmas...?
Don’t get hurt again - get planning.

All 4 of mine are much closer to my mother than mil - as a woman, when you have a baby, you want your mum, I don’t think it’s the same for a man.
I have 1girl and 3 boys but when the boys have babies, sadly I do expect to take 2nd place to the mothers’ mother.

I agree you have to let things go, but a side effect of this can be that the more you accept being sidelined and/or always accommodating, the envelope gets pushed a little further. It's very hard when you are a non-confrontational person but in my experience it's the awkward so and sos who often get the most attention and best treatment.

I agree you need to be more assertive about what you want to do, and also that you have to try and let the other granny’s relationship with the family wash over you.

It does get easier as the children get older as they will love all their grandparents equally, regardless of how often they see you. A wise friend advised me, in a similar situation, to make the most of FaceTime/Skype calls, to send postcards and little presents, and to enjoy all the time I did have with them.

It does sound like there’s some thoughtlessness on the part of your son, maybe you should have a word with him to say that you don’t want your grandchildren to grow up not knowing who their granny is! My husband’s parents were very proactive about visiting - maybe a little TOO proactive sometimes - but it would never have occurred to me to say they couldn’t come, and I was very grateful for their interest in our children.

Nansnet
As one GN said your GS would not know it was his first birthday.All he would see /understand were people giving him cuddles and toys or what ever else they chose to give.
All is now water under the bridge but for the future why not plan your visits so it does not coincide with the 'in laws'.

Whilst I'm sorry to read that this has obviously upset you deeply, I would be tempted, in the future, to not expect to stay in DS and DIL's home at all. I would simply book a hotel nearby, ever other grandma cannot stop you doing that, and visit when I felt like it. I certainly would not be manipulated by this clearly toxic other grandma!

Hi there I agree with Jane as well. Next year get in first and suggest you book into a hotel so you can see DG open her presents. Be light and bubbly. I think your DIL probably braces herself when her mother is coming and it has nothing to do with you. So get in first.
And I would heed someone else's good advice, "the less said soonest mended" Very good advice indeed. Don't say anything at all but get in first very sweetly of course. You catch more flies with honey as they say, good luck.

To be honest, I would have said that I’d really like to see GC on her birthday but I’d book into a hotel for two nights, then after that go home and leave them to it with her mother. I’m surprised they didn’t invite you all for the birthday, mine would have done, but these are yours. Try not to let it bother you further but be prepared for next time but do stay in a hotel as it puts less strain on your family.

Nansnet.
PS. Your GS will I am sure be most happy as he will then have not one but two birthdays a year.?

^^ all very interesting and some really good advice! Being a grandparent is completely new territory with no useful instruction book on how to do it well, and every family with different dynamics! I've been lucky to have had no particular problems, but I admit that I have found it hard to ignore quite deep feelings of competitiveness - wanting to be the 'best gran' - which fortunately haven't played out in practice. It is so easy to feel slighted and hurt, but remember it is the parents and children who are central now and not us,. My own parent's and in-laws' needs and feelings didn't really enter my head when I was busy bringing up my children. I would have done anything not to hurt them but I may well have done!

Birthdays needn’t be the one and only days. We have ill people in our family who can’t do a lot on one day or won’t necessarily be well on a given day, so we have birthday weeks or even birthday months. It can be nice to spread treats out for everyone. You could give a present, have a special food or an outing to celebrate the birthday while you are the one there. Same for Christmases. Rivalry between grandparents will only be misery. Don’t stoke it in your own heart. If the other grandmother is an insensitive controlling and selfish person it sounds as if being there at the same time as her would be difficult anyway. A day full of slights and rivalry and attempts to be the central, most important grandmother. You might come away feeling even more distressed. This may be something the parents dread managing and try to avoid. Women make family relationships and a daughter will always be close to her own mother. Being able to be with your DiL on your own will enable you to build up your own separate relationship with her and you have the chance to make it a good one. If you don’t want your husband kicking off, which men can do, don’t talk to him about your resentments and work him up. I don’t blame you for the way you feel. I would feel the same. But if we can transcend these sort of feelings, we will be happier ourselves and everyone will be happier.

I can understand how you feel. It must seem that although you are playing by the rules,they aren't. Continue being the loving supportive people that you are but I fear the other in laws aren't going to mellow. What a stressful life your Dil must have had before she married your son but they're still her parents & she must be torn (and very thankful you guys are so kind). Plan a trip for the near future with them for a time that will be special for you. Don't torture yourself with fb boasts. I sometimes think being accommodating gets you walked over & taken for granted but then I tell myself I'd rather be thoughtful than not & that's the path I'll choose, there's no happiness the other path.

Nansnet I totally see where you’re coming from and I think I would feel just as you do. There’s some fabulous advice on here, as well as some dubious suggestions. BradfordLass has, in my opinion offered the most sensible and practical suggestions.
Assertiveness isn’t easy for many people and used badly it can be interpreted as aggression, selfishness or a desire to interfere or control. It certainly needs careful practice on less serious issues first! I think it’s natural to have your sort of feelings when you feel that you’re being pushed aside or treated less considerately than you would hope to be.
The key is how to you deal with your feelings without alerting others? Do you want to be known as the “oversensitive” gran or the “always dissatisfied” gran, or the “awkward” gran, or the “overbearing” gran???
Ideally, the “helpful, tactful, dependable, loving, laughs it all off” gran?
It’s pretty easy to become any of these with just a few badly expressed comments or equally, using positive behaviours.
Maybe you have to decide how you’d like things to be, bearing in mind that the other grandparents have equal expectations? Better to make arrangements that suit everyone so long as you get to be involved. Try to spend as little time as possible with the other annoying grandparents, don’t look at their Facebook boasting and realise that your son and DIL are probably trying to appease everyone. You’ll all get better at negotiating and organising as time goes on.

I agree with Madmaggie. You are trying to approach situations sensitively and it seems others aren’t. There’s no easy answer is there and I also struggle with stuff very similar to this. It eats away at you and is so hurtful. Partly I think it’s the fact that we have sons rather than daughters (who often seem to call the shots and the sons fall in, for an easy life). We have to remember that in a few years, it will be the GC that will decide what they want to do! And both sets of grandparents may well be less involved than they’d like! Your tolerance and kindness may be appreciated at least by your son, more at that point. In the meantime I think it’s all about not letting it get the better of us. These sorts of hurts can eventually make you ill.....look after yourself, try to focus on other things, look forward to when you next can visit-plan it well ahead, and be grateful for all the good things in life.?

Nansnet yes let it go. It’s only you that is being upset not the others. Next time don’t be so sensitive to their feelings and just say, how lovely we are all here together and book a hotel room without being asked! People don’t always realise that they are being a bit insensitive, they just get carried away with what they want to do. Just try to be a bit more like that than always considering their feelings and then getting cross or sad because the outcome is not what you want. You can be too nice!

I agree with Bradford Lass. As my son has told me when I have been hurt by similar events, ‘Mum, it’s not all about you!.
Your situation is classic! Millions of grannies the world over have felt like you. And this will continue to be the case. I have been there many
times. But no more! I have stopped making son and his family the centre of my universe. I support them when needed and try to do little thoughtful things for them .... but don’t expect anything in return. Act out of love.

My GCs are now 13 and 11. They ask to come and see me to have a games afternoon where we play Cribbage, Cluedo and chess. I get WhatsApp messages from them both thanking me for a lovely day. Off their own bat. Hang in there, it’s time to be the giver but the rewards will come. X

My MIL was very demanding about seeing our GC when they were small and my DM, who lived much further away, saw them much less. Thankfully at birthdays my DM could come to stay and the in laws could come just for the day as they lived near enough. We alternated staying with them at Christmas until we decided to host Christmas and the in laws stayed in a nearby guest house while DM stayed with us in the spare room and my brother in law stayed with us on an airbed downstairs. It worked OK and no-one was left out.
I often wonder if my mother felt left out by living further away and not seeing us very often. She stopped having us to stay after a while. I thought it was because she found it hard to cope with the children, but after my ex and I split up I found out it was him that was the problem. We started to be invited again but by then DS and DD were teenagers and not so keen to visit Gran for longer stays.

When my kids were young DM usually had a week with us in the summer and we'd go out every day with her treating us to meals and interesting places to visit, but that stopped too as the kids got older.

It takes give and take on all sides for people to get a fair deal in these circumstances. My MIL used to complain that she hadn't seen us for ages when in fact she had probably seen us 2 or 3 times since we'd seen DM. I wish I'd been more insistent on seeing my DM more as my ex was never going to suggest a visit and moaned about her visits to us.

Now my DS is married I find it harder having to share him with his in laws, but they are lovely and I'm sure if and when GC arrive there will be no problems. I know my children feel they missed out on a relationship with their Gran as they saw her so infrequently while Grandma and Grandad were regular visitors, but that was partly about distance and partly due to MIL being so demanding.

I agree with other posters that OP needs to be a little bit assertive to make sure they don't miss out in future, but don't let what's already happened sour future occasions. Plan ahead, and if necessary stay in a hotel if planned visits coincide. If the suggestion is made in plenty time you may take the wind out of the other GM's sails!

Dear Nansnet

So sorry that you had such a rough time. You’ve had some great replies here, and just a thought or two from me.

Sometimes the other granny is rude and self centred, sometimes just thoughtless. In my case, I no longer stay in the same room as the ‘other granny’ for more than an hour or two. She has publicly said, in front of us, that she is the ‘best granny’ in the world, so what she thinks that makes me, I have no idea!

I’ve found that kindness goes a long way, and also we arrange outings and holidays at times when she is away with her friends.

I know that my DD and SIL are aware of her behaviour, and we all just try to ignore it. She would make a huge fuss if she didn’t get her own way, so we all work around it, without actually saying anything!

I have never found being confrontational helps, it’s just upsetting. Calm assertiveness helps and being in a different country helps even more!

And yes, as one poster said, it’s not all about me or us, but I’m afraid that in some families, there is one granny who absolutely DOES want to be the ‘best granny’ come what may!

?