How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

Can't help feeling you're doing just right, Nansnet - you're being diplomatic and that's the best way of ensuring that you maintain good relations with the people who matter most to you - DS,GC and DiL. And if the other granny is difficult - and she is- don't let a very justified sense of irritation sour your relations with your family. By all means let off steam on Gransnet - or find a way of rewarding yourself (and your husband) every time you feel slighted. A visit to the theatre? A weekend away? A new outfit? Or take up boxing !

Why don't you make arrangements now for the next big occasion you want to be there to celebrate. Do it before DiLs mother can tell you what she is planning. Other than that keep quiet.

Both of my DDs live within hailing distance of their MILs. I correspond on Facetime with my GCs and it is wonderful to get a great big smile from my 6 month old GD.

I think on that first birthday I'd have put on a bright smile and said "I'll stay to watch him open his presents and leave later" and pretend not to have noticed the big hints to leave in the morning. Better that than stewing over it afterwards I think. As for them being there more often, I think that is the nature of maternal GPs over paternal ones. Usually the way.

I would defiantly have stayed to see my present opened and if there was a birthday cake too. No 1st birthday party with family? When my GC were smaller I always felt I needed to be there on the special day,birthdays and Christmas, if not I felt awful. Now I really don't, over eight years I've had them maybe a few days later or the following week over to stay and we've had our own celebration,with cake. Just try and let what the other GP's say go over your head,don't take a hint, you're as entitled to be there as they are. Just book a hotel and stay for whatever the celebration is. And your DGC will never remember this birthday anyway.

It’s never easy when one set of grandparents dominate but I think your Dil and DS probably relish the time they all spend with you, as it’s drama free.
Saying anything will give the other grandmother what she wants and that his to be the centre of attention.
For the next visit suggest that you be there for your GC birthday and do opposite years. That’s what we do with our GC. That way you spend other less pressured time on the year you’re not there on the actual birthday and enjoy the busy birthday time when it’s your turn.
We all know families are never easy you just have to enjoy any and all the time you get to spend together.
?

Facebook is so dangerous, it is basically a place to show off and boast. But so hard not to look when you’re upset about a situation.
But be careful not to show how upset you feel. Try not to look at the posts.
I think as mothers, we expect too much. Out children grow up and make their own decisions, and sometimes they break our hearts. Say too much and you’re out of their lives forever. The other mother in law, wants to be the main mother, this happens so often. I’ve learnt the hard way .

Hi Nansnet - interesting situation.

Are you a retired Nan or working?

I am a Glam-ma of a 4 year old and a 15 month old - and am learning all the time. I am very sensitive too.
However if I was still working I would not have the time or energy to fester over the trivia that happens so regularly.
We have to put old this stuff aside and get on with our lives.

Brilliant Bradfordlass, we could probably all make use your well thought out response.

I have just joined the forum today and have read everyones comments about the above issue!!

You will be hearing more from me - this site is a wonderful invention.

Rosa.

If you say nothing then it might be assumed you do not mind being pushed out.
It might be that they (MIL and DIL) think you are not as enthusiastic as MIL to be with DG.
I think you should speak calmly to your son.
Don't be confrontational but do speak up.

Pushy people in my experience can cause trouble. So stop it ever looking as if you are "not bothered" do not assume that your feelings for your DG are read correctly.
Book Christmas in advance and perhaps bring up the possibility of alternate years at Christmas and Birthdays.

It may be that you have more DG's in the future and I wish every chance of happiness. I have found that you don't have to be seen often to positively impact on your DG's. If you love them they really seem to know this

When baby is older you can send parcels....little ones love that and cards too . Not only on special occasions but just for the fun of it.

Yes I send my grandsons little parcels. Doesn't have to be expensive things. Stickers balloons coloured pencils sweets mini lego etc...
They love them. Much better than money.

Isla1 welcome. I hope you get as much from GN as I do.
Some threads can get a bit heated but as you say its a great invention ?.

Mamagborg, yes, I do know for a fact that my DS and DiL enjoy the time we spend with them, more than the time they spend with DiL's parents (although they would never say so). Our DiL is like a different person when she's with us, compared to when her own parents are around. Shame her own mother doesn't realize what an effect she has on people. She seems to think everyone thinks she's the bees knees!

Those who have suggested that we alternate special occasions with the other GPs ... that's never going to happen! They will always be there!

I have two granddaughters who live 300miles away.. I have only ever seen the older one on her first birthday -now14! and never seen the younger one on her birthday at all -she will be 12 in November.Their other GM lives a few minutes away from me. .she has seen them more than me over the years as she drives and I don’t.She is divorced and I have been widowed since 2008.
I cannot wait to see them again after just over a year,when friends and I have booked a cottage near where they live ,not far from the sea. They will be at school but hope to see them ‘out of hours’. I think a lot of problems can be caused by the wishes of both sets of GPs. Hope your work out in the end

This is just such rude and inconsiderate behaviour. The mother wants to be with her mother as been a stressful time for her I understand but to expect the other grandmother to exit on the morning of the birthday!! I'm afraid you'll have to really go for a long walk and then open a good bottle of wine but do not react...please. I do send you many hugs and would share the bottle with you if I could. I just hope things all settle into place and this absolutley thoughtless attitude changes.

I agree with the posters who said you should have stuck around and not enabled your son's m.i.l. to push you out; too late for the first birthday but worth remembering for future celebrations.

You are not being a silly emotional woman, you're being badly treated by a selfish and controlling woman, your GC's other GM.

Why didn't you say " I know that your mum is here so we thought we would book in to a hotel on our last night so we can be here for baby's birthday". Sounds as if you're being bullied a little. If you don't say anything your smouldering anger will turn into a furnace, if you do say something then you're going to have to be very diplomatic. You could also ask for the video clip that you were promised.

I understand your being upset - and see you have had some really wise replies, which you have found helpful which is great. You don't want to confront the other grandmother and I think confrontation is not the way to go - could lead to a rift. But being assertive is different - you could simply say what you'd like, and ask for responses from the family. This is better than letting it all boil up inside you and turning it over and over in your mind; that can end up without your being able to see things objectively, or understand how others may be seeing it all. You sound like a loving person and I hope you can step back, breathe a bit, and find a calm place to speak up appropriately. There is a great book called "A Woman in your Own Right" by Ann Dixon which is all about learning to be assertive and avoiding either passivity or aggressiveness.

Personally I have always dreaded our grandchild's birthday celebrations because of facing our DIL's side of the family with whom we have nothing in common except the grandchild. No real warm vibes, so being together was always awkward. I prefer it much more to spend one-on-one time with the grandchildren ( I have two now and a step grandchild).
The first birthday of our granddaughter is coming up, different DIL but similar situation. Her parents are more jovial and easier to like, but still we have nothing in common. My new DIL's mom loves to do special photo shoots of the baby, really dressing her up and posing her as in a studio, and then sharing on Facebook. Although the pictures are cute, I personally prefer photos that show the child in a natural way. I only take pictures of the grandchildren at play, but I digress. I do understand your feelings though! I feel that being the paternal grandmother is more challenging. Our daughter will never have kids, so I will never get to experience that kind of closeness.

We have a great relationship with our oldest daughters in-laws, celebrating all the birthdays and other occasions together, we’ve even had them stay for Christmas so we can all celebrate together.

With my youngest daughter, we’ve never met any of her other family, I think it’s a mutual feeling, they’ve never expressed any interest in meeting us. So birthdays and all other occasions are celebrated separately. Works for us.

In a few years time and with a few more grandchildren you may well be glad of an excuse not to go to the parties! Children's parties are just that - for children!

You are not in competition with the other grandparents. It sounds as if you are jealous of them. Often, the parents of the mother have a more active role. It's just the way things naturally are.

You may have felt banished and or discarded, but really you could have stayed nearby. Unless you are more assertive and clearly state your wishes how are people supposed to guess how you feel?

As for the other grandmother's Facebook posts, surely she's free to do that? You cannot expect her to act the way you would.

As one of my children, her husband and children live in another part of the country we have learned over the years to just create extra celebrations. That keeps everyone happy we have early or belated Christmas or birthdays when necessary. They moved from another part of the country to be nearer to my son in law's relatives. Lovely kind helpful people. I am so glad that they did. The children's other Granny died very suddenly and without any warning. She adored the children and at least she managed to have some real quality time with them. We were all heartbroken to lose her and very thankful that they had that special time together.

I would say next year you should stay a few hours at least to see GC open presents etc and leave later . Don’t accept being pushed into a corner