Any advice for helping my situation

Can your DH not tell her to stop being rude to you. She obviously has a relationship with him and may take on board what he tells her. Otherwise behaving as she does at 8 years old I wiukd question where she hears and sees these responses. Her parents also need to address her behaviour not just ignore it.

Yes, definitely the granddad should pull her up on that behaviour.
Surely he doesn’t side with her, does he?

In fact what does he say to her when she does this.?

I wouldn’t be putting up with being spoken to like that. Not from anyone, let alone your own granddaughter.

Thanks for taking the time to post all your advice. When her grandad does tell her off it turns into such a drama as he has told her off. She doesn’t want to hear it and texts her mum from her iPad to come and get her!!!!!!

We actually all went to see a child behaviour psychologist last summer who advised she is perfect normal and we all have to deal with her differently and praise her all the time for good behaviour and being nice but in my opinion she has always had a problem Of accepting that she is a child as she often answers her dad back saying “ you’re not in charge!! I can do what I want!!”

I find it so difficult to accept this behaviour and after school childminding was always a challenge. I know it makes my daughter anxious about her behaviour but defends her to the hilt Saying she’s a very different child and children like her develop into successful leaders. I don’t get this at all!!!!!

What's her behaviour and attitude like at school?
If she has a hissy fit and demands to go home when grandad justifiably tells her off, then just let her go!
Why are four adults tiptoeing round an eight year old??
Do you want her to fit in, get on and be welcomed in society, or do actually you want her to be "special" and "different"?
I am at a loss as to why adults think it's acceptable to let a child dictate to them like this. Where's your self-respect?

Her general behaviour does sound very challenging, and I am not surprised that your DD goes for the ignore/anything for a quiet life option.

Ignoring has its place - but how will she know what is acceptable behaviour if no-one tells her? And ignoring is just what she does not want, so she will do it all the more to make sure you have got the message!

Praising good behaviour can be difficult - first find your good behaviour!!

I am surprised that all of you went to see the child psychologist - how did that come about?

Personally I do think that in this instance "your house, your rules" applies and that you should pick her up on it, whilst making sure she still knows she is loved (as I described above).

However, not getting upset by it, or taking it to heart is important. She is a mixed-up child who is honing in on your vulnerabilities and playing on them.

If she asks her Mum to take her home when your OH picks her up on it, then so be it - home she goes.

PS In no way is this "perfectly normal" behaviour as the psychologist has said! Most normal children will either not feel motivated to be so rude; or they will try it once and get the message that this is not tolerated.

Granjenny, you don't get it because you are not a Child Behaviour Psychologist. They are trained to assess and diagnose which you aren't so they probably have a greater understanding than you ever can. My grandaughter is much like yours and I am lucky to have the sort of relationship your husband has with yours. Of course she has an outburst when somebody she adores criticises her behaviour. She is probably flooded with anxiety at that point and can't process her feelings so she goes into fight and flight mode. That is why it is better to allow her to express her feelings to your husband in a non judgemental way so that your husband can avoid the melt down and model discussing the problem to show that you can sort things out without recrimination, anger, etc. You will never get anywhere with this sort of child with coming down hard on them, you have to take a softly, softly approach.
We had a similar situation with my son when he reached a certain age and a psychologist pretty much advised us to do the same thing; we had to make our home a safe place to express his views. It wasn't out usual way of doing things but as we were anxious that he was going off the straight and narrow as he had started truanting. He said if we could keep him on side and a straight path until he could make his own decisions in life, we would have cracked it. We were skeptical but it was amazing the difference it made to his attitude. He is now a great bloke with a good career and manages his autistic son with the most beautiful understanding. Anybody who knew him as a child, is completely surprised...including his Dad!

How does your dh tell her off? Could you please give us the sentences he uses?

We too have a tricky GD but I have always found that saying, in a loud voice for all to hear, “Did I hear correctly? Would you like to repeat that?” is effective. Then in a quieter voice saying that it is not appropriate to talk to anyone like that, let alone grandparents. Now 14 she is still difficult but never deliberately rude.

Hithere: my husband says her name and firmly says don’t be rude! Then she may grunt or turn her face away.

Thanks for your reply.

His comment is very generic and lacks structure and expectations to follow

How about redirecting her with instructions (approved by parents):
"dont be rude. Your grandma is asking a question, could you please answer her?"
"Your grandma just said hello to you, it is rude not to say hi back"
Etc

I am afraid her reactions are to be expected of a person her age.

I think that the sort of responses you have suggested Hithere could create further problems. If you ask this child to "answer her" (grandma) then she could simply refuse and then you have opened a further can of worms that you will have to battle with for goodness knows how long.

I think a simple statement that this is wrong and not allowed in your home would suffice - and then move on.

I think 'grandad' should find something else to do sometimes when she is there!!

how does her father respond when she declares that he is not in charge, and she can do as she likes.
i would be tempted to reply that on the contrary, in law he and mother are in charge, ie have parental responsibility/decision making.
this to be said in a calm matter of fact tone, not stern.
but i have no expertise.

Is she oppositional at school?
Do they liaise with the Child Psychologist?

I think , maybe quietly and immediately say "That's rude" and leave it at that, don't look at her until she has calmed down.

I have an 8 year old granddaughter. She is flexing her independent muscles, as they do at that age, and will sometimes be rudely impatient/smugly rude/shrugging her shoulders dismissively etc. . I tend to approach it as she is perfectly old enough to understand what is rude and what is not. Depending on scenario I might look at her and say "You know, when you don't understand/are being slow..etc etc ...I always wait/listen/explain/ etc etc. That is the right thing to do isn't it!" No further comment. It works!!

I might also say, depending on scenario, something like "Did you mean to be rude then?. I hope not because that would be a pity!". I then quietly get on with something, and before long over she comes with a question or to help me or whatever and more often that not she will "Sorry I was rude Nanny" but if she doesn't I just leave it anyway because the lesson has been quietly learned. There was a spate of these incidents for a while when she turned 8 years, now very rare.

Maybe grandad could also utilise similar tactics. Not a lot of fuss, just gentle reprimand that hits home! And if you do the same without emotion or a big deal, t might just work

PS You say that she says "Whats' it got to do with you?" My response to that would be "Well I am interested ofcourse, but if you don't want to tell me that is up to you!" But I have to say her Grandad would also say "Well I think Nanny is part of this conversation" and would then tell me or involve me in the conversation. Modelling the behaviour rather than a huge hoo ha works well with 8 year olds because they are desperate to make their own choices, and will soon learn to make choices that get them what they want and need which is attention.

I am surprised some posters feel that by 8yrs old a child, with no apparent special needs, does not know what bad behaviour is! Children are generally very astute in identifying good/ bad behaviour by the time they start school & certainly by age 8 yrs! I do not think psychological damage occurs by refusing to engage with a child behaving badly. In effect the behaviour the OP is describing is embryonic bullying. Imagine a child doing that consistently to another child and seeking support of a classmate. She needs to learn her behaviour does not get get her what she wants. The time for talking about the behaviour is later.

We have a 9 year old and 10 year old and neither have ever been rude to us . The parents would never have allowed it . I would warn about no birthday / Christmas presents if she cannot be nice to you . DH had to do his bit telling her he does not like her being ruse to you .

Granjenny
There was a reference in you post born leaders ( said by your daughter) it sounds as I find your daughter has been reading up on Indego children This is a classic quote from the literature on these children: born leaders.
Strangely enough, I know 2 of them and both don't/won't accept they are children, not adults. One is 6 the other 11.

That's should be sounds as if not find

Gosh - born leaders. So this is why we have such rubbish leaders! I would not like a child of mine to turn out like most of the leaders we have had over the last few decades!

MerylStreep, wasn’t the idea of ‘Indigo children’ shown to be simply a description of badly behaved children which was more palatable to parents?

I'm not sure born leaders has got much to do with rude children!