Any advice for helping my situation

Maybe her parents should ask themselves where she has learned both kinds of behaviour from? Not applying blame - but there has to be an underlying reason.

Thank you so much Granjenny for putting this post up, My granddaughter is exactly the same. These replies have really helped.

one thing you can try ; find out a book or an object that she loves very much (book, doll, etc..), and ask to borrow it for a bit, after a while give it back to her while telling her why you like that particular thing too and that you thank her for letting you read, use, that particular object...she might start to like/love you after that..

an another method ; eat in front of her some VERY nice thing(s) that she adores...let her steam up...then offer to share "it" with her and see what could happen...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree with LoLo - don't play psychological games with her, but be straightforward and clear. First talk to your husband so you are both going to follow the same clear approach with her. Tell her that you love her and that you do not like her speaking to you in this way. Ask her to consider your feelings and refrain from hurting you. Ask what does she think about what you've said? Then - you are asking her to change, and you can reasonably ask if there something she would like you to do differently? This is OK so long as it isn't treated as a chance to be rude again - both grandparents would then ask her to refrain from rudeness. But she might say something reasonable which could help - for instance that she'd like to be treated in a less babyish way (this is just an example - I've no idea what is the real situation). When you talk to her in this way and she replies in a real straightforward way, I am guessing you will find the problem goes away. As always, we need to behave in ways we would like others to behave - so be courteous, straightforward, polite and clear and caring. There are no guarantees but I believe this is the most likely way ahead here and you and your husband and most importantly the child, could all feel a lot better. I wish you well.

I cannot abide bad manners, it’s unacceptable at any age. Your husband should pick her up on it if he’s in earshot. I’d never allow my grandchildren to be rude to me or their grandfather (my husband), our own kids (their parents) wouldn’t allow it either. I have found some people think the hard of hearing are somehow less deserving of respect. If you are deaf you are easy bait for bullies.

I've got a similar situation but with my niece. I too have had the mind your own business remarks plus worse. I have been involved in her life since she was five when the family returned from living overseas. My other two nephews also live overseas so she is the only one I could be Auntie to. I thought it would be nice to try and be a good Auntie and take my niece out and about. I have also been called upon for plenty of babysitting (even overnight) and I've always helped out willingly. However, my niece has always been the rudest child I have ever come across and insincere with it. I've had doors slammed in my face, I've been ignored and also humiliated at one of her birthday parties. Her mother asked me to help with transporting 10 girls to bowling. When I arrived at the house to pick up my quota of girls, my niece turned to me and sneeringly asked what I was doing there. Naturally this was out of earshot of her mother. When I've babysat overnight, I've heard her make sneaky secret phone calls to her mother (my sister in law) telling her how awful I am. I suppose I should have told my brother and his wife what was going on but I didn't particularly want to snitch on her so I decided to ignore her when she was being unpleasant. On one occasion I was supposed to be taking her to a party and her mother asked me to do her hair. When it came to it, she wouldn't let me do her hair so I left her to it. She was being generally awkward. A bit later she came into the room and asked me how she looked (she is terribly vain) and I ignored her, repeatedly. Well, she did not like it one little bit. There have been loads of instances over the years, she is now nearly 16 and obviously my services are no longer required. I feel nothing towards this girl now. I find her unpleasant, disingenuous and sneaky.

I'm sorry, I'm with the parents here. Ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good. It is actually more in line with the current thinking about child development. I think it is a good idea if your husband gently uses his influence to ask her why she feels the need to be so rude but without recrimination. Give her the chance to air her feelings in a safe environment and explore how she can respond to your questioning without being rude. She should be able to say, "I'd rather not say if you don't mind," or " I don't really want to talk about that right now," without being reprimanded. We have to teach our children to be able to have a voice in all situations so they can always say "no," if they have to.
I can remember going through a similar phase at Boarding School when I was a bit older and I couldn't explain why. I grew out of it and I try to be considerate of other people's feelings.

I agree Applegran this is rude behaviour plain and simple and at eight years old the child is able to understand this. No need to go all around the houses just present a united front with your husband Granjenny. If she gets upset well so were you, children need boundaries and discipline as well as love.

Tell the young woman firmly that what she has just said is rude and unkind and that she is not to speak to anyone like that in your house.

Make exactly the same remark every time she is rude .

Surely that is how you brought up your own children?

If she persists in being rude, stand her in the corner for ten minutes with her hands behind her back.

As she has such a good relationship with your husband, could she be jealous of you? Either way I wouldn't be putting up with rudeness from an 8 year old. If she cannot improve her manner with you I would tell her she can't come to your house until she learns to be polite. If this isn't nipped in the bud what will she be like when she's a teenager?

Your husband needs to show some loyalty to you by speaking to your granddaughter about her being disrespectful.

Lolo81 it is certainly not abuse to ignore a child who is behaving inappropriately. If a child is speaking rudely to OP I would advise OP to walk away with no comment and expect Gradfather to also get up and accompany the OP., chat to her, giver her a hug or a peck on the cheek..but not speak to the child. If that happens each time she is deliberately rude she will soon learn

Your gd is obviously testing boundaries but what is she learning from this - that's it's OK to be so rude? On the next occasion I would get your DH to say quite gently to her that she's been very rude to you and that he didn't think she wanted to be an unkind girl so perhaps she would like to apologise to you. If this doesn't work then he should be more firm and failing that just tell her she's been very rude and her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I am worried you are blaming the wrong person.

Children model the behaviour they observe around them.
Your dh is not standing up for you and he is encouraging this.
Talk to him about it

PECS - perhaps I didn’t make myself clear enough in my comment. Ignoring bad behaviour is certainly one thing and if that is a disciplinary strategy used by the parents fine. But I’m fairly sure there was at least one other commenter advising to completely ignore the child and give her the silent treatment for the rest of the visit - make it clear that she’s being ignored.
Doing that as an adult to a child is (again only IMO) abusive. The adult has the power in this situation, and to effectively go in a huff and withdraw affection or communication is not only cruel, but displaying even worse behaviour for an obviously mixed up child to copy. What on earth does the child learn from this sort of adult tantrum?
Ignoring specific behaviours is valid advice. Completely ignoring an 8 year old child for an entire visit is encouraging cruelty.

I do not think janeainsworth meant that the child would be ignored for the rest of the visit! A five minute ignore by all adults when you know you have behaved badly is a lesson learned. I would get grandad to be firm and clear, " I do not like your behaviour when you are rude.I don't want to be with you when you behave badly" She can then make a choice! Personally I think it is important for her to see grandad physically siding with OP at these times. It give a clear message. No good giving the child a hug and saying be a good girl..

Ignore bad behaviour and praise the good. - how then will a child know what bad behaviour is? That is information held by the adults that she needs in order to grow up into a decent human being.

I am very much in favour of praising the good; but I also believe that we need to be equally clear about what is bad.

The critical thing is that picking a child up on bad behaviour should not be accompanied by any hint of withdrawal of love.

"Speaking like that is very rude. We love you dearly, but we do not allow that here." Then move on - do not flog it to death. You have provided the child with two important pieces of information: you are loved, and what you have done is not acceptable.

You and your husband together, (I suspect this is where the problem lies) tell this manipulative, rude child she does not behave like this.

If she continues to do so, she does not come to your house.

Why is everyone frightened of her?

When my grandson was about that age he was often a bit rude. When we were on our own I sat him down and explained about people's feelings and how at any age someone can hurt someone else's feelings. I explained that being hurt didn't just mean hurt in the physical sense. I told him he had hurt my feelings. He seemed to understand and things improved considerably. Now he's a monosyllabic teenager but not rude.

Rotten situation for you to be in. You don't want to tell tales and I doubt if she does it in front of your adored husband (else why would he tolerate it?) so just say. Rude. very firmly and walk away. Don't ignore it and tell your husband firmly that it is not on. She cannot be allowed to humiliate you in front of your family.

I feel for you granjenny, I have 8 grandchildren and they all used to take it in turns to sleep at our house on a Friday, everyone loved coming except one grandson, who decided to make my life hell from being about 8 or 9. He was often rude, wouldn't go to bed or anything. In the end after a particularly bad night, I had to say no more, his answer was well if I don't come my younger brother and sister can't either, I said they could but he said his dad (my son) wouldn't let them!!! and he did stop them. He has never changed he is now 22, and I still have a real problem with him. I know that he had problems when younger his mother wasn't around and she had major behaviour problems as well, but there is only so much you can take.

Granjelly. I read your story and it is not my wish to to advise you. However I did have a thought as my grandchildren are all grown up now and I have been lucky enough to never have a problem. I did have a lot to do with them. For what it is my thought is that it is the way she has been brought up by her Parents and a bit your husbands attitude would seem to be the problem. May I ask if you go on well when she was younger? Mine have always treated me with respect so I do hope you can resolve this I know my Husband would never have let this go on. Good Luck

My goodness me! I wouldn’t put up with this for one more moment. You and your husband need to present a united front on this. Next time she says anything rude, tell her immediately”That’s a very rude way to speak, especially not to Grandma who loves you and buys you presents.” If it continues, tell her that she won’t be allowed to come to your house until she apologises to you.

I agree with Jillybird on this. Neither I (nor my husband) would tolerate behaviour like that from any of our GC, and would tell them so in no uncertain terms. I suspect she is mirroring the behaviour of her friends/peers and quite likes the shock effect it has on adults. She may also be jealous of your relationship with her beloved grandfather, and is trying to exclude you so she can have him all to herself. I don't think you have done anything to upset her or cause this behaviour. Young girls can be very manipulating. But her parents should not ignore it. Clear boundaries of behaviour need to be set.

One of our GC once asked us an inappropriate question which rather surprised us! We asked why she asked and she said she'd overheard a conversation about us (her parents perhaps?). I told her she was being too nosey and it wasn't the sort of thing you ask your GPs. She was really embarrassed and apologised immediately. Children (especially at you GDs age) don't always realise their behaviour is inappropriate.