Sorry another MIL question

Look in the mirror each morning and practice saying "NO" out loud, or anything else you'd like to say to her. Say it loud and clear. Might seem mad but it'll get you used to the sound of your own voice being strong and assertive.
Meanwhile, as others have said, your husband needs to support you to a level you both agree upon and will help to empower you.
Your home is your castle. There is no rule book which says you have to open your door to anyone. If only more people would understand this. I don't answer my door to strangers, ever. Sometimes I call to them from a window if I don't know them, but often, just ignore the knock. You can too, MIL or not. You can always say you were in the bathroom or out the back hanging the washing! Don't give her a key!
Build your relationships with other in-law family members. Get closer to them. She'll hopefully soon get the message that she's not part of the gang. Keep her at arm's length as much as you can while u build your confidence. .... Chin up. Be strong. Big hug.

Seems to me that you have done more than enough to try and maintain a good relationship with your mother in law annebo. Maybe the time has come to say no more.
If your husband wants to visit her and take the children that's fine but you don't have to put up with this behaviour from her.
You need to tell your husband you are not prepared to keep going through this and let him sort it out with his mother. I agree with OceanMama no grandparents are better than toxic ones.

Stand up for you and your kids. Learn to say no

I hope your husband is on your side

your premise is wrong, ie that you have to appease her and make the children go see her.
why would you make your children suffer. they obviously don't want to see her. and she sounds very arrogant to be so dangerous in looking after them.
don't subject them to any more of that. just because they are older does not necessarily mean they are safer with her. and what will they think of you, it could damage your relationship with them. they look to you for comfort and protection, and example.
why expose them, or yourself to a bully.
don't let her in. maybe see her in the park for a coffee but only if your have reinforcements, your husband or another supportive friend with you.
don't waste your energy on negative people.
no wonder you need ADs.

Will post detail tomorrow

Thank you!

Why are you so focused on pleasing her and making your children have a relationship with her? She is not kind to you, or your mother, and it looks like your children do not like her company.

I, too, never had grandparents in my life and felt I missed out. No grandparents are better than toxic ones. My mother tried to get us a substitute family member and I, to this day, remember how awful that person was and still feel that she allowed me to be bullied by her. Your job is to protect your children. What do your children say about their grandmother? The actions you have reported here suggest that they don't want to be with her. Is it upsetting for them?

I have been where you are with a demanding MIL who I wanted a relationship with but who I could never be good enough for. The only long term regret I have is that I did try so hard. It was actually inappropriate for me to be trying so hard too, this issue belonged to my husband to resolve, not me. Where is your husband in this? What does he say and do?

My advice, based on experience, is to tell your MIL that drop in visits don't work for you anymore. Don't answer the door if you need to do that. Yes, that will be hard, but she's not going to get the message any other way. You don't deserve that treatment and neither do your children. Why would your MIL change how she treats you? She gets what she wants and gets to do what she wants without any consequence. Instead you want to placate her because of what you think is the right thing so she gets rewarded. You are worth more than that and deserve to be treated well.

You don't have cut her out, if you really don't want to, but you can take a break from seeing her or see her out for dinner or at a park on less frequent occasions. If she then realises that there are consequences to the way she is treating you and decides to change her ways, you can slowly try seeing her more again, if you want to.

It took me over ten years to get to the point where I'd had enough and decided to let DH deal with his mother. I don't recommend being like me.

You poor soul, she had really got to you. What is your DH's take on all this, I hope he is fully supportive of you? If not you need to enlist his aid so you are both taking the same firm approach with her.

You have tried so hard, I think you need to decide what you can cope with as a family, and tell her together that that will be the way forward from now on. Explain that you would like the grandchildren to have a good relationship with her, but that her behaviour is jeopardising this.

If you need it, do consider some counselling to be more assertive in dealing with her. You have no reason to be afraid of her, but I do know where you are coming from. My MiL used to tell me I was a terrible mother, when my DH was out of the room!

She is surely the mil from hell. I would not let her just turn up everyday as she wants, say you’ve made plans, going out anything, but break that habit. When she starts being awful, I do t know what form that takes, but I would confront her, if she really dislikes you and says so, ask her please just to arrange with her son for you to meet up, as you can’t take any more you have tried but won’t put up with her treating you like that in your own home. To be honest I fail to see how you have just taken it all, what is the point , she isn’t just going to start liking you now so you have nothing to lose but a lot to gain. She is rude, lacks any empathy, obviously she has all the answers so you won’t change her.
I think a lot of lovely Mils have a hard time, but you haven’t one of those. She is a foolish woman.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. Feel sorry for her, if that's possible. (it might make you feel a bit better). You haven't mentioned your DH but I assume that he is supporting you. If not, why not? You are his wife and the mother of his children and should be more important than his mother.

I remember when my grandmother was widowed (my father was an only child) and my mother was in poor health. My father was contemplating moving so that my GM could live with my parents. Their GP told my father that he had to chose between his wife and his mother and so he did.

You don’t have to estrange from her, but you also don’t have to give her unlimited access to your life. When she drops by don’t let her in - maybe don’t answer the door every time.

And how is your husband supporting you?

annebo she does sound pretty awful, but the first thing you need to do (imo) is get your husband completely on board and supporting you and the decisions you both make (ie you and husband/partner) and presenting a solid united front.

Good luck.

Apologies for length goodness me!