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Moving nearer children/grandchildr en

(91 Posts)
marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 11:49:45

A frequent discussion! We are retired mid 60’s both fit and healthy living in beautiful Northumberland in a lovely house we renovated to our own standards 12 years ago. We love it here, great community etc. There is a lot to miss but in non covid times we spend a lot of time away sailing or camper vanning and the rest of the time travelling a 6 hour round trip to see our dd’s and gd and gs (1 each - aged 1 and 3) who handily live in the same town! They are there to stay ( as far as one can tell) with stable relationships, jobs, houses etc. We love seeing them and miss them dreadfully when we don’t . We have talked constantly about moving nearer and I don’t know why it is proving so hard to make the leap! Strangely we have both said that without the other we would go immediately. I am finding it hard to know what is stopping us - fear of the unknown ? Who has been in this situation and how difficult has it been for you?

quizqueen Sun 03-Jan-21 11:54:04

Can you rent there and rent out your home, or do a house swap for a year to see if you really enjoy living there.

Peasblossom Sun 03-Jan-21 12:12:22

My children live fairly close to me and I was only thinking how nice it would be if they lived further away and came and stayed for a few days or if I could take a break with them instead of the (not that frequent) 10 minute drop by.

Having said that I’m glad I made the move closer in my sixties, made new friends and joined new stuff rather than leaving it till I needed them to be close by.

I had to travel to Devon to support elderly parents who didn’t move when they could have done.

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 12:37:23

Thankyou Quizqueeen - that would be sensible! Even that seems a big step - which tells me we’re maybe not ready! It’s all the hassle really !

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 12:42:33

Hi Peasblossom - yes we do get some nice long visits (or did!) and even the odd holiday together which I guess may not happen if we lived closer! My mum also didn’t move when she could have and it did cause a lot of problems when she needed more support - so yes that is
in the thinking too! So much to consider ....

Toadinthehole Sun 03-Jan-21 12:51:07

My granny used to say, “ if in doubt, do nowt”. It sounds like it applies here. It doesn’t sound as though you’re ready to me, to make such a big change. I think you’ll know when it’s the right time. Probably when we’re covid free🤔

Septimia Sun 03-Jan-21 12:53:38

I understand your dilemma. We live a wee bit south of you and DS and family are a long way down the A1. We do miss them and I wish we could spend more time with them.

However, there is no way that I want to move back to the southern part of the country, although there certainly are nice places there, and places that I have happy memories of. It's too crowded, too much traffic. If I was forced to move, I'd have to search diligently for somewhere acceptable - and that wouldn't be in the town where they are anyway!

So it depends where your family are and how much you would miss the pleasures of Northumberland. Trying it for a while before committing to it permanently seems like a good idea.

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 13:09:55

My mum always said that too! Wise words. Too much time to think during lockdown and it makes seeing them harder so waiting is probably the best!

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 13:17:00

Hi Septimia - they are in Sheffield and although there are areas that are nice we’d want to live further out and it’s so much more expensive - and busier! We know the area pretty well now so no illusions there! It is such a big step but I keep thinking that family is more important to me than anything and we will want to there eventually (no family here ) so sooner is better ! I suppose it would be easier if we were ready for a bungalow and needed to move anyway but that may be a long time off and the grandkids will have left home by then (hopefully !) I’ve a friend who moved to Australia to be near hers ....

Katyj Sun 03-Jan-21 13:21:28

Hi Mary. I would go now, if it feels a hassle now, it’ll be a lot worse later. Moving house is stressful at the best of times but much easier as a couple.
Do you like the area? You wouldn’t need to live on their doorstep, could you do some research. Think of the joy the little ones would bring, and you could still keep up with your lovely holidays, in fact you would have more time since you wouldn’t have the six hour round trip anymore. Sounds great to me.

aonk Sun 03-Jan-21 13:29:42

I have a friend whose parents are 95 and 93. They still live in their large home where they brought up to three children. They have always vigorously opposed any suggestions that they should move. The mother is mentally very active but deaf and has limited mobility. The father is suffering with a form of dementia. They need a lot of help and their family members do a lot of travelling in order to look after them. They also need a cleaner and gardener. There’s no way they could move now. Not an easy situation for anyone.

BlueBelle Sun 03-Jan-21 13:50:08

I can never understand grandparents wanting to follow their children to be ‘ near them’ as nice as that was in the old days before the world opened up My parents were wonderful parents and grandparents but they would never dreamt of following me around ...as it happens I myself returned to my home town eventually but I think I children should be free of worrying about us and having us on the doorstep
Holidays and visits mean a lot more and your grandkids will be up and away before you blink
If you didn’t have a wonderful home in what sounds an idyllic place with a great community it would be quite different
Anyway good luck whichever way you go it sounds like you have a very nice life either way

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 13:51:51

Thanks Katyj - lovely positivity! I guess that’s what we are thinking really. It’s a lovely area just more expensive and busier than here but we’re reconciled to that. It’s just hard to leave this home as we have such a lovely view we won’t be able to afford there! Sounds so shallow really when I say it out loud . We would have a lot more time you are right - we’ve done a lot of day trips so we have managed to see them for walks outside during the non lockdown phases but there is no way I could do that on my own. I know there won’t be a pandemic forever but it does bring home the distance ! Thankyou x

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 13:59:01

Thanks BlueBelle for another perspective - and you are right to say the grandkids will be gone in a blink (just as the children were !) another 18 years though in reality ....I”ll be 83 by then so hope it’s not too quick haha! I would agree about ‘following ‘ the children except they keep sending properties for us to look at and are keen for us to move! We’ve always moved around a bit so they aren’t going to come back to a ‘home town’ so I guess if we want to be mutually supportive we will have to move ! Well it’s probably not a good time to decide mid pandemic ..... thanks for your reply.

Peasblossom Sun 03-Jan-21 13:59:03

I suppose it depends how close you want to be and which bit of Sheffield they’re in.

Only an hour to Nottingham or Lincoln. Less to Mansfield🙂

I’ve unexpectedly become a bit of fan of this bit of the country!

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 14:00:57

Hi aonk - we’ve a way to go before we hit that age but it is exactly what we want to avoid! Even if you are not directly caring for older parents it’s a hassle being a long way away and we would want to spare them that, but have some fun with them before we reach that stage !

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 14:02:47

Where do you love best Peasblossom? We are both from Yorkshire and have lived in Cumbria and Northumberland but never south of York!!

Peasblossom Sun 03-Jan-21 14:06:54

Well in my heat of hearts I’ll always be a Norfolk girl but I’ve settled very happily in Nottinghamshire. I think there’s some beautiful countryside and I like the Community feel.

A bit like Norfolk really!

Genty Sun 03-Jan-21 14:12:32

Lovely thought to move nearer the kids, I have thought about it ( the kids are happy for me to live closer to them due to ill health, but I dont think it would be good for my own health. )
My main concern is that the kids circumstances may change ie; moving because of work, ( that was the reason they had to move in the first instance). I would not want to uproot myself again at my age following them all over the country. They are a car journey away albeit a long journey for them when they come to visit and we skype every week and exchange emails.

quizqueen Sun 03-Jan-21 14:19:16

My daughters and family live 2 miles and 15 miles away so I am heavily involved in childcare and other family events. My own parents and in laws, when alive, lived 150 miles away, although luckily in the same area, so it meant we could stay and visit both at the time but I would have loved both to have lived nearer.

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 15:05:18

Thanks Genty - if they weren’t both in the same area I don’t think we’d consider it - both have been there for over ten years now and have no intention of moving - love the area, plenty of jobs etc - but one never knows ! We have no family here and we’d be closer to other family members too ... but wouldn’t want to move again that’s for sure !

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 15:10:58

Thanks quiz queen - it must be lovely to be so involved - our neighbours have their 3 daughters and 4 grandchildren around a lot (or did!) so I am rather envious of that although I have to say we wouldn’t want to give weekly support as we also value our freedom! My parents and in laws lived out of area and it was hard not having any support at all when the children were small and then when parents were older it was hard to not be nearer to give support ! I guess we are lucky to have the choice of what to do.

marymary62 Sun 03-Jan-21 15:12:55

I guess we can find lovely places and community everywhere if we are open enough! I’ve never been to Norfolk ! Or Nottinghamshire for that matter !

Laughterlines Mon 04-Jan-21 07:56:30

If you decide to move do it before you reach 70. After that age you don’t usually have as much stamina or energy for all the work entailed in moving plus others in your new area are shutting down more and don’t want to make new friends. Local friends are important when you get older especially if you choose to live closer but not on the doorsteps of your DDs. I’d go for it.

harrigran Mon 04-Jan-21 08:18:42

You can never be sure that your DC will stay put. My DD lived twenty minutes away from me but on a whim went for an interview for a job and in a month she had not only left the atea but the country as well.
Be certain you will be happy in the area you move to and that facilities are within easy commuting distance.