I don't think my 18yo grand-daughter likes me :-(

Namsnanny

I agree it is very easy to predict the posts that a person is going to write.
It happens to me a lot with other posters

What happens with the other grandparents/what the other grandparents do etc is not really the issue here or relevant, much as it must be galling/hurtful to see/be aware of. What is relevant is:

1. The thoughtlessness/unkindness of leaving you alone over Christmas! Some things to think about:
- does your son realise you don't like Xmas alone?
- I am wondering what has happened on other Christmases , pre Covid bubbles? Has what happened previously with you just become "the norm" in their heads; selfish and thoughtless but is it a possibility?
- is there pressure/an expectation that they will always go to other grandparents for Xmas?
- do they feel unable to break that or ask if you could attend too?

2. You do a lot for them....
- do they think that you do it because you enjoy being busy/helping etc
- do they therefore think they are doing you a favour by letting you?
- do they want you to do things like wash up (that is very different helping to child care!)
- have you ever asked them to do anything for you?
- if so, do you thank them etc? I expect you do! Why do they behave differently towards you?

3. Why is your son seeing this as normal with his Mum?
- what was he like towards you before he was married?
- did he always just assume that you are "ok"?
- have you ever told him that you are not ok?
- does he realise and accept that you are getting older and may need more than you used to?

4. Money
- have you always given money for lots of things
- has it therefore become the norm in their heads?
- is it just seen as "Granny doing the usual?"
- do you/have you spent time with your son/DIL/grandchildren instead of giving money? Maybe paid for an outing, all gone together?

5. Grandaughter:
- How old is your grandaughter?
- Why did you buy and pay for the ingredients?
- Was this pre arranged or just given? Did you help her cook or give a reason for bringing the ingredients?
- does she need to "impress" the granny who is eg worried about her nails?
- does she see you as easy going and won't make a fuss about the burnt ones? Is she embarrassed by the burnt ones and thinks you will be ok/easygoing/understand?

All these questions link to various ways of looking at the scenarios you describe. There are so many possibilities for what has happened.

Overall to me it seems that at the very least there is a complete mismatch of expectations and understandings of what you would like/where you fit/why you do what you do etc. I think you need to try and express your needs a bit more and also think carefully about your reasons for giving your money, your time etc.

None of this is meant as a criticism, just that I think you need to analyse the situation, the relationships etc really carefully and ignoring the inevitable and understandable emotion, in order to decide what to do.

It unfair but I think you have set the pattern and you can change it, the other gran puts herself first so they follow that pattern, like children the ones who shout the loudest gets more attention than the quiet ones

Hithere

Namsnanny

I agree it is very easy to predict the posts that a person is going to write.
It happens to me a lot with other posters

Thanks for the reply.
Yes it can be very difficult to see the other person's point of view sometimes cant it?
Especially when we may be passionate about our own position.
Sometimes I think the 'passion' blinkers us to other perspectives.

C'est la vie

Precisely! If she’s an inexperienced bakerI can’t imagine how hurt I’d be if my granny had made a stink about the less than perfect cookies. I do know my less preferred grandma would have Been the sort to obsess over who got the biggest/best portion and two nearly identical items she’d be angry if she didn’t get the one she deemed superior. I wonder if that’s what’s happened here. She was dismissive and cold and couldn’t fathom
Why I preferred my maternal family to hers.

try standing up for yourself.
if you always defer to them, do things for them, fit in with them, etc they may just assume it's because they are more important.
so you have to decide; do you want to carry on like that for the rest of your life.
you won't be able to make them change their behaviour, however wronged you feel, you can't guilt trip them into it.
only you can act differently.
good luck.

I think grannyben has the perfect solution. There is no need to have any unpleasant words, but by withdrawing your usefulness you will feel loads better about not being so put upon and eventually your family will work out why for themselves and perhaps change their attitude towards you. Of course if they complain that you have become less helpful to them, then you can have the perfect response already prepared.

I don't wish to be hard, but it sounds to me as if you expect affection in return for money and treats. I too have an 18 year-old GD. I don't see her very often but we get along very will though I haven't been in a position to lavish her with money and treats. I've always tried to give her gifts appropriate to her age and interests - one big hit was two white tee shirts along with fabric pens to decorate them! For her 19th birthday this week she has asked for a particular house plant as she has acquired a hobby of indoor horticulture! And last year, she had a few driving lessons in my car.
Your GD is a young adult now. Yes, she was mean and tactless giving you her burnt cookery, but I wonder what she was trying to tell you.

annodomini ? mmm? ….that she has been badly brought up and possibly encouraged to be spiteful to her grandmother.

As the OP never replied to anyone from the 1st of July I doubt if she’s still reading.

Thanks MS, I didn't notice the date of the OP, or I wouldn't have bothered writing a reply.

Hmmm. Perhaps as the Granddaughter in question is 18. Have you thought maybe saying ..have I offended you in some way as our relationship seems uncomfortable and I'd like to put it right if you would be happy to talk about it. No need to answer right now and then just leave it with her and start doing some self care and hobbies and see if she wants a chat sometime.