I don't think my 18yo grand-daughter likes me :-(

BlueBelle

No it’s not blunt toadinthehole it was rude Hithere could have explained in her first post in a much nicer manner

If the granddaughter wrapped up some burnt food for her Nan to take home that was a devious and cruel thing to do and was done on purpose to hurt
I think you should have spoken to your son about it naughtyNan then start looking for some friends and do some stuff with others and for yourself and withdraw some of your help …it’s not appreciated

She could have explained from the off I know. We don’t know anything was deliberate. We only know the OP ended up with burnt cookies.
OP needs to talk to her son, as it seems she’s set a precedent for being second best.

I wonder if it was last minute embarrassment and your GD suddenly realised she would have to give the other GP's equal shares? Maybe as you provided the ingredients she saw you as co-cook rather than guest and thought you would understand her giving the others the better bits? I can't believe your GD set out to hurt you in a premeditated way.

I hope you can find a way to a better relationship with all the family. Could you have a low key chat with your son to start with? He may be able to offer you a different viewpoint. Hopefully things will improve after Covid lockdown. Good luck.

I'm wondering if the GD wanted to impress the other GP's and thought you wouldn't mind getting the burnt ones? Perhaps all is not as rosy as you think and your DIL's parents are critical of her and she's constantly trying to meet their standards. I'm sorry it's come to this as she'll be disappearing off to Uni soon, hopefully you can be involved in that.

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time

Because she's now 18 years old and an adult herself. Just because her parents behave like selfish boors, that's no reason to carry on the trait.

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it

Many of us have grown up with parental issues but, at some point, we recognise that a particular type of behaviour isn't socially acceptable, causes others distress and discomfort and we set about changing it. And if they don't change, they have to face the inevitable consequences that their selfish, boorish behaviour brings.

I really don't want to be unkind, but so often when I read posts like this what jumps out to me is the way many grans point out that they have been generous with money. It happens such a lot, and IMO that could lie behind a lot of inter-generational conflict.

Most of us want to be generous to our children and grandchildren, and some have more money with which to be generous than others. That doesn't mean that they should get more or less consideration or love, and the constant bringing it up does suggest that in many cases the generosity is conditional.

I'm not at all suggesting that people who mention financial help (or pocket money, or any sort of giving) on here are necessarily bringing it up to their families, but it does seem clear to me that the hope of reciprocation underpins a lot of the disappointment that people express. Why mention it if not?

I understand disappointment at not being invited for Christmas. Christmas is an emotional time, and so bound up with memories of earlier times when we made our children's Christmases special. I also understand that as you were on your own and the other grandparents were not that you feel that you should have taken priority, and that's perfectly natural. Are you able to discuss this with your son without guilt-tripping him? It could be that there is a reason why things happened as they did, and that he didn't realise how hurt you would be.

I think some of the things that have happened over the years are obviously not to do with your GD but how your son and DIL have organised their lives. I think you have helped them a lot over the years and maybe you should quietly not do so much for them eg stop doing the washing up etc. It may be that you appear easy going and don't cause a fuss and it could be that maternal grandparents are not like this and complain if any issues occur. I think you shouldn't alter what you give your GD. She was maybe in a tricky situation. If she had felt she had to give the nice cookie to the other GM she couldn't then send home a burnt one for her GF. It would have looked as if she didn't like him when they were compared. Then she could have been in trouble. Her only way forward was to give you the burnt ones knowing that going by past experience you would understand and not mind. It may be worth speaking to your son about how you feel you are treated in general but I wouldn't bring up the cookies as that may sound petty (even though I totally understand how you feel). I really don't think your DG dislikes you and I hope you can continue to be the GM you have always been to her.

I think you have been treated badly naughty Nan. A similar thing happened to me. It was unkind what your gd did. I would tell her but that’s just me. She doesn’t know how lucky she us having such a lovely Nan. You need to step back and treat yourself. Hithere, poster naturally upset and needs support

I totally understand why you feel hurt, NaughtyNanTheRed.
Just as we treat our children equally, surely some effort should be made to treat grandparents equally! We used to have one widowed gran over one day to share Christmas dinner, one over the next - not rocket science.

I need to write to smileless because I have a massive thing going on that’s breaking my heart by a cruel perspective dil and what you are saying of the treatment from your granddaughter is already coming my way.
I completely understand how you feel after giving so much to your son’s family to be treated so heartless.
Personally I have made a decision to be “often busy” to avoid the mean perspective dil as she is always mean to me but manages to convince my son that l have upset her in her nasty twisted way.
You need to protect your own feelings and stop being so kind and generous with your time and money.
Don’t sit thinking about things make more of your own life which is what l plan to do.

I find it best not to read into people's motivations. Your GD might feel awkward about the cookie situation herself. On the whole, it sounds like you are being taken for granted though. I find when I start to feel that way with anything or anyone, the best thing to do is pull back until I feel things are more in balance.

I see two sides of this from the POV of my experience:
1. I'm a giver and that can be the problem rather than how it is received. My choice to do things for someone doesn't obligate them in any way. The might not care. If I start to feel taken for granted, I pull back and change the balance. It seems to work.
2. I have a a family member who does things and thinks she is being helpful when I experience her 'help' as intrusive. I'd rather she didn't. She also determines what is helpful and doesn't seem to understand that other people might not find it to be so. She gets put out when people aren't appropriately grateful when she does things they might even not want her to do, or care about, or have even told her they don't want her to do. Are you sure your help is being received the way you see it?

I was always bothered by this helpful family member because I wanted them to spend time with me. Sit down and talk with me! Is it possible you are giving practical help while the other grandmother is sitting with them and spending relational time? If you're busy in the kitchen while other Gma is spending time with them, that could explain the differences you perceive in relationship too. Gifts and money don't make up for that.

As someone who has found myself in your position, I suggest changing the balance a bit for your own sake.

That was beautifully put, CafeAuLait.

Doodledog

I really don't want to be unkind, but so often when I read posts like this what jumps out to me is the way many grans point out that they have been generous with money. It happens such a lot, and IMO that could lie behind a lot of inter-generational conflict.

Most of us want to be generous to our children and grandchildren, and some have more money with which to be generous than others. That doesn't mean that they should get more or less consideration or love, and the constant bringing it up does suggest that in many cases the generosity is conditional.

I'm not at all suggesting that people who mention financial help (or pocket money, or any sort of giving) on here are necessarily bringing it up to their families, but it does seem clear to me that the hope of reciprocation underpins a lot of the disappointment that people express. Why mention it if not?

I understand disappointment at not being invited for Christmas. Christmas is an emotional time, and so bound up with memories of earlier times when we made our children's Christmases special. I also understand that as you were on your own and the other grandparents were not that you feel that you should have taken priority, and that's perfectly natural. Are you able to discuss this with your son without guilt-tripping him? It could be that there is a reason why things happened as they did, and that he didn't realise how hurt you would be.

I could not agree more with you.

Financial aid/gifts/support does not buy affection.

My own GP’s had very different financial situations, and very different styles of GPing. Throwing money at a child/teenager in my own family experience didn’t make me love them any more - it felt like a guilt trip or at times an exchange.

Emotional closeness comes from behaviour, support, respect - not stuff.

I adored my GP’s who couldn’t afford to lavish me with gifts - they knew my life, my friends and gave me their time love and interest.

My other GPs expected gratitude and an almost transactional exchange of cash/gifts for my time and attention. As I got older and realised the strings that were attached to these things I resented it. I’d rather play cards with my Papa than spend their money and be expected to put on a performance.

Maybe focus less on the stuff and the jealousy of the other GP’s and try relating to your GD as a young adult whose life you want to be part of as she starts her own life as an adult?

how about trying to behave completely differently.
eg when the plate of cookies is taken away and you're told you'll take yours home, call out to the kitchen, don't bother giving me the burnt ones, better luck next time !
try saying what you are actually feeling.
it's worth a try. if said simply and sincerely, without edge, it can be quite liberating. but it seems not to be the norm, and then things can get mixed up, with expectations and perceived slights.
on seeing a sink full of dishes, declare loudly, not my rota, i;ve done more than enough washing-up to last a lifetime.
to be said lightly, not huffily.
i used to be a people-pleaser, and it was so socially conditioned; it took a while to recognise, and see it was self-defeating, and try to step out of it.
so perhaps try a kind of drama-therapy; take on a different persona, avoid the martyred one.

I don't think the 'burnt cookies' were as burnt as some posters are imagining, I'm sure the granddaughter wouldn't do that. maybe not as perfect as the others and she thought the OP wouldn't mind. Sure she'd be appalled to know it is on gransnet as burnt cookies.

You are not being treated fairly and I think it is disgraceful. I would step back a bit and not do so much for them. See if they start to appreciate you more. Good luck….

I have stepped away from some of my family because of the way they have been with me, they were quite happy to let me do everything until they thought they were missing out and then I was treated appallingly, no more!

Regarding giving money etc. I remember telling my daughter that I was disappointed at how my son and DiL treated me when I was so good to them and she said, You can't buy affection mum.

Families can be cruel sometimes with out even realising it.
I really feel for you.

I agree with other comments.....money and treats do not buy love and affection. Your granddaughter is now 18 and is an adult; by all means buy birthday and Christmas gifts but stop the random stuff.
The other grandmother could just be spending time with the girl which is far more valuable than material things.
Following on from the burnt cookie debacle why not plan a baking session with the granddaughter to teach her how to do it and not produce burnt offerings? If the other grandma doesn't like washing up chances are she probably might not like baking either - think mess in the kitchen, dough on her hands and down her nails - I hope that makes sense.
As for Christmas dinner, why nor consider inviting DS, DIL and GD to your house this year?

I think peoples expectations are just high, and so when they are not reached, unhappiness is the outcome. I’m not just focussed on the OP, this is a general observation.

I have seen a similar scenario play out with my in laws. MIL gave the other family more money, provided childcare, any time of work was spent looking after her grandchildren. Has she had any thanks for it? has she heck. They completely took her for granted for years, decades and now it as if it never happened and now she is elderly herself she is a massive inconvenience to them. Sorry to be so blunt but I don't think they know how generous your time and help has been. It's only if you don't receive that input and help that you can see how lucky other people are (generally, I'm sure not everyone is ungrateful but there does seem a lot of entitled people in my generation 40s/50s)

AGAA4 wrote:
"Favouring the other grandparents is not fair on you but I know this does seem to happen with one set, usually the parents of the daughter."

Thanks for that AGAA4. It makes my relations with grandchildren, such as they are, seem more normal.

NaughtNanThe Red, your granddaughter needs to know she hurt your feelings. For instance you could ask her how she herself would like a present of burnt food.

If you told her the problem then hopefully she might learn a lesson from what you say.

I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties NaughtyNan, but am inclined to agree with those who suggest you have set yourself up for this to happen.
I always think there are two types of people, givers and takers. You sound very much like a giver, but if you happen to meet a taker, you’ll never thrive. You really should only ever give for pleasure. Once you put conditions, or expectations on what you do, chances are you’ll lose out if it’s a taker you’re dealing with.
Your son should know better than this. After all, you brought him up. It could be they are totally ignorant of your feelings. As for your granddaughter, she is still so young, and living with the parents who will be doing what they’ve always done her whole life. Once she moves out and becomes a woman in her own right, things may change.
I’m inclined to think you need to back off completely, and stop doing things for them. Do you have other children? Friends? There’s plenty of people to talk to on here.
I wish you well

Hithere

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time?

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it

She's 18 !!!

This problem isnt about one person being unreasonably jealous of another's position.

This is about an adult not haveing the common decencency to treat two parties the same.
Made especially hurtful as it was in front of everyone.

Hithere after reading lots of your replies (of a similar nature) I'm beginning to think you are just out to make an impression.
There seems no compassion at times, especially for GP's perspective.

It's become very easy to predict which posts you will answer and what that answer will be.

It seems that so many on here feel the same way as you do and the more that you do, the less you feel appreciated.
One of my nieces has always been offhand with me.I came back from overseas when she was 3, so my sister had already been with her from birth and formed a relationship with her.
Despite whatever I did, she has always kept me at arms length.
When she lived in Cornwall, she was insistent that I went to stay with her and her family, but instead of spending time with her - going out for meals, to the local ice cream parlour, pub etc like she did with my sister and her family, I was treated as if I was staying at a B&B!
I left there, wondering why she had bothered to invite me!
Since then, things are really no different between us, whatever I try.
She even moved house and didn't tell me for several months , let alone tell me the new address- I only found out after sending a birthday card and having it returned by Royal Mail!
I am never sure if people, especially children realise how hurtful they can be.
Personally, I would cut back on the extra gifts and have no problem with explaining why to the parents as well as commenting on the fact that you were left to have Christmas on your own - they obviously assumed that, despite you acting as unpaid childcare over time, that you really enjoyed your own company while they were having a happy family time.
I would hope that they will feel horrified at how you feel and take steps to include you in future, but I'm afraid that things may never change and now that socialising is becoming more possible, that you expand your social circle - there are many people I am sure that will fill that gap, who are in a similar situation to you.