Husband is reluctant grandfather

You are in a difficult situation. I understand if your DH is not comfortable with two very young children around. However all he has to do is keep out of the way . Obviously you can't take your eyes off them for a minute to give your DH the attention he seems to need. Would it be possible for you to spend both childcare days at your daughters house ? My husband has been happy to have our GC here for day care , didn't do much but popped in to spend short periods of time with them before disappearing into the garage!

He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that - is he a toddler?

I would do both care days at your daughter's place and just enjoy your GC - he can go stew in his won juice.

own

Do the care at your daughters house. Some people just do not like having young children about. Your Husband does sound childish though.

Nannagarra

Is there a possibility he needs the DGCs’ attention and not yours, that he feels awkward so complains and distances himself from them?
Could you suggest he’s better than you are dealing with x/y/z they need even though you’re with them? Remind him of something he particularly brought to your DD’s upbringing (e.g. reading a storybook) and boost his confidence to repeat it with your DGC.
If he engages with them and receives a favourable response, it might be just what he needs and the solution for you all. Gradually wean him in…
Tell him you need - not want - his help and experience.
Good luck.

I could not imagine having to infantilise a grown man to this extent in the hopes he becomes half decent.

This sounds just like my husband. He had no interest in babies and small children, including our own. He was much better once they got to secondary school age and, when they were grown up, would spend days fishing with our son. When our first grandson was born he was still working so my having the baby for 5 days a week didn't really impinge. With the two later ones he was ill and spent a lot of time in bed so he didn't see a lot of them but found the noise very trying. Sadly he missed the best bits. He would have got on really well with the oldest one and would be helping him build a state of the art computer but all he saw of them was the messy noisy bit that he couldn't stand.

In this day and age, such an old fashioned view. The people in a marriage are equals, neither should be demanding the others attention and complaining when someone is not devoting all their attention to them.

What does he do that requires your constant attention?

If you want to leave it should be possible. even though your pension is small, you will be entitled to Housing Benefit to help pay the rent , Council Tax benefit to help with Council tax and Pension Credit to bring up you pension to a minimum of £177 a week.

Contact your local branch of Age UK and tell them your situation. They will be able to tell you how t claim benefits and how much you are entitled to and could also help you find accommodation.

If you believe that’s infantilising a grown man, Bibbity, then I strongly disagree. Don’t we all - at any age in life - like to feel a sense of worth, believe we can offer strengths and find we benefit from positive feedback?
My AC and DGC have gained and continue to gain from different aspects in each of us.
I reserve the right to express an alternative opinion and do not appreciate your acerbic comment. Let that be an end of it.

Luckygirl3

*He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that* - is he a toddler?

I would do both care days at your daughter's place and just enjoy your GC - he can go stew in his won juice.

He only talks to them to tell them off

He tells off a 2½ year old and a 15 month old?
He does have real problems.

Yes, he is like an immature and spoilt toddler.
I would go to their house if possible and leave the curmudgeon to his own devices.

I'd just carry on ignoring him. In fact, I'd ignore him much more.

If it's too annoying, I'd be at their house for two days a week. He can be jealous all by himself, then.

You can't make him take an interest, though, and I don't think it's a reason to leave, either.

Nannagarra

If you believe that’s infantilising a grown man, Bibbity, then I strongly disagree. Don’t we all - at any age in life - like to feel a sense of worth, believe we can offer strengths and find we benefit from positive feedback?
My AC and DGC have gained and continue to gain from different aspects in each of us.
I reserve the right to express an alternative opinion and do not appreciate your acerbic comment. Let that be an end of it.

He is an adult conducting appalling behaviour. There is no praise. Only criticism and a demand for the behaviour to cease immediately.

The idea that men need their hands held to behave in a decent is disgraceful and infuriating.

If you wish to stop commenting that is your right. And has no affect on me at all.

Just because I didn’t express fury doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, Bibbity.
I offered an alternative approach in the hope that there might be a better outcome.
The OP has sought advice; surely we can propose a variety of ideas and have them considered.

OK. I just feel like your alternative is damaging and sexist.

Can you explain how bringing out the best in a grandfather is damaging and how his wife’s encouragement is sexist?

He is a grown adult who is jealous that his wife is giving babies attention. If he needs help getting over that he is not worth it. Bin the whole man and start again.

It is sexist because it perpetrates the idea that men need their hands held and encouraged like infants to do the most basic things.

What you described I did to my 5 year old earlier. Honestly no lie.

Come on darling show your sister how brilliant you are at folding your clothes and putting them away. You're always the best at teaching her! Look at her go look why you did! Brilliant show her how you put away your your trousers next.

No, I don’t patronise men or treat them like babies! I merely like to find ways to bring out the best in people and hope the OP finds a solution. I’m sure you do too.

did he agree this arrangement, or did he just have it thrust upon him.
it's his house too.
and i can quite understand a person who is retired having an expectation of being able to relax in his own house.
not everyone finds small children endlessly charming.
they are hard work.
he probably feels that he's done enough of that, and so have you, and now is the stage in life to unwind and be free of care.

Perhaps he didn't budget for them being looked after by yourself & wants his space for the 2 of you back . Small children are hard work even when related !!!

Good posts welbeck and Lizzy. I can’t believe OP is seriously considering leaving her husband because of his attitude on the one day a week that she looks after the GC at home. Where would that leave her in a few years’ time when they are at school and don’t need her all the time?

Looking at wellbecks post I wonder?

Is it perhaps not just about the couple of days a week OP? Have you perhaps become absorbed in being a Granny, so that it is the thing at the front of your mind all the time.

I ask because I have experienced it with my friends. When from being people with a husband, friends and interests, everything suddenly pivots only on the grandchildren.

If he’s not that interested it can be a bit trying to have conversations that always somehow go back to the grandchildren, to maybe have furniture rearranged to accommodate them, to be told to join in, even to have activities like shopping hijacked by “Oh look, the grandchildren would like that”.

Maybe he feels that he’s only relevant to your life if he’ll be grandad alongside your chosen role of granny.

Just maybe he’s reached screaming point?

Consider it possible if you can. Unless there other reasons for leaving him, to go because he doesn’t enjoy playing with grandchildren seems a unbalanced.

You make a good point Peasblossom. Some grannies can’t talk about anything but their grandchildren. I avoid them like the plague. It reminds me of women years ago (I hope not nowadays!) who once they had children called their husbands Dad. Witness the fictitious Mrs Thursday in Endeavour.

Oh dear. Mr Dot was just like that when the first 2 came along. And this is a good man, and good dad and a bloody good Grandad now he has 4 more and has got the hang of it.

We Grans have to accept that men don't enjoy grandkids as much as we do, especially when they are little. Mr D often tells me that his workmates feel exactly as he does, that he finds them hard work (or he did when they were babies) and really just didn't enjoy the disruption/sleepless nights (we didn't provide child care whilst the parents work as we are both still working, but had them regularly to stay over.

We ladies, Grans and mums were almost always the primary caregivers to our children and we find it easy to care for and love our grandkids. Sticky hand prints on walls and a bit of jumping on the sofa doesn't really worry us.

Mr D is not as bad as the OP's husband, and now that the older ones are growing up and more have come along he thoroughly enjoys the time we have together, and the grandkids adore him - he plays with them much more than I do (I'm usually running round with a cloth for sticky handprints and cooking favourite food lol)

A bit of a mixed bag of responses, sorry I've probably not been much help but OP - hang in there - it DOES get better

My Mothers older sister kept her distance from her many nieces and nephews till they became teenagers.

Once teenage she engaged with us as adults. She was a most interesting woman, and we quite forgave her lack of interest in us as young children.

Some people do not ‘do’ babies and toddlers, maybe he is one of those people?

If I were you I would I would take no notice of his behaviour, just say that they are not babies long!

Get out of the house with them as much as you can. Or babysit two days at your daughters instead.

Incidentally my husband was the same, ie not interested ( but without the jealousy). I just accept it. Even now he would rather talk music with his son than spend any time whatsoever with the kids.

Is there more to this than meets the eye?

On the one hand...your husband isn’t interested in the grandchildren. Then you’re considering moving out. Quite a big leap with a chunk of stuff missing from the middle.

Is it that you’re marriage isn’t good? Are your grandchildren the distraction?

Sorry...not quite sure how to answer.

Germanshepherdsmum

You make a good point Peasblossom. Some grannies can’t talk about anything but their grandchildren. I avoid them like the plague. It reminds me of women years ago (I hope not nowadays!) who once they had children called their husbands Dad. Witness the fictitious Mrs Thursday in Endeavour.

I’m guilty of that! Can’t help it.