Husband is reluctant grandfather

The calling my husband ‘ dad ‘ bit.

difficult one - jealous OH. Can you look after the GC either at your DDs on both days or allocate a separate room so OH has his own space away from the noise and clutter. Look out for any local groups that you might feel happy taking the children to - away from grumpy. Not everyone wants to spend long periods of time with young children. Good luck

My DH is the same, in fairness to him my GCs are not 'of his loins' but he is not much better with his own!
I go the DD house to look after them and when DD and GCs - the latter sometimes on their own - visit I ignore him and his childish behaviour. If it gets worse we will have the discussion re I will not stop seeing them and will move out if it comes to it - on the basis I reckon he would think twice about how he is behaving

Sorry, can't offer anything constructive as I could not be around someone who was jealous of GC.

He sounds insecure and jealous. You are enjoying being a grandparent and look forward to being with the children and have developed a relationship with them that he resents. He has a couple of choices either join in or be the way he is and miss out.

My DH is not much better, I cant leave a DGC with him he would just ignore them, They won't be ignored! While he tries to watch TV or use his PC, they climb on his knee and give him hugs. This has definitely softened his attitude. He will accompany us to the park and push them on the swings, but that's the limit.

I have seven grandchildren ranging from age 3 to 27 and my husband is even dafter than me when he’s playing with them and he’s not my children's father but we have been married before the first grandchild came along.
My advice would be the same as others have said have them at their house both days.
But I would also go to relate as your husbands possessiveness isn’t natural and certainly not to be jealous of his grandchildren
Maybe if he doesn’t see them he will hopefully miss them.
But I think your relationship needs addressing no matter what.

Are they his biological grandchildren? If so his attitude stinks. Grandchildren are precious. Look after them at her house and distance yourself from him. Start living separate lives.

Germanshepherdsmum

The simple fact is that not everyone likes small children - I readily admit that I don’t and would be irritated if I were in your husband’s position putting up with them and the noise they inevitably make all day and the disruption of normal routine so I can see where he’s coming from. He’s not an ‘awful man’ he’s simply being honest about his feelings and perhaps he also resents sharing you. Can’t you look after them at their home both days? I shall now don my tin hat and retire behind the sofa.

I agree. There does seem to be an assumption that grandchildren are lovely and having them for a day is lovely and for some people its just not. I wonder if the OP actually discussed doing the childcare or whether she just said "I am going to do this" Not saying she needs to get agreement or permission but still.......am wondering what the responses would be if it was a husband saying "I do xxx two days every week and my wife resents it". OP does seem to agree that she ignores him when the children are there and that would get up my nose too.

Why? As a grown adult can you not entertain yourself for one day a week while another adult is busy?

Oh gosh I can sympathise with you my man just doesn’t like children.I try to make sure I have the 3 GC when he’s working or I make it clear that they are coming and then he will take off on a cycle ride or to visit friends.
Sometimes I do feel pulled especially on his weekend off if I’m asked for emergency babysitting, but I just think that’s his problem not mine and do try to make the best of his other days off.
One even said to him recently that he scares her I think because he doesn’t interact with them. He’s very generous with them but just doesn’t enjoy their company. Sometimes I go to there if it is his days off .So enjoy them ignore him and make it work the best you can.

Surely grown adults can entertain themselves, crikey that makes me shiver the thought of being someone's performing seal.

So sorry you are in this situation. Your husband sounds very childish and he is missing out on the opportunity to have a loving relationship with his Grandchildren. It is very unfair and controlling of him to put you in the position where you are forced to choose between him and your Grandchildren.

Personally i would have zero tolerance with this. Of course not everyone likes small children, they are hard work. However, they’re your flesh and blood and are small for such a short time and that selfish man should let you enjoy them while you can. The relationship is not all about what he wants, your feelings are equally as important. If he cannot go out and amuse himself just for the day, or stay in a bedroom out the way..... then there’s something wrong with him. A friend of mine has just to,d her husband that unless he snaps out of his grumpiness, then she is not prepared to live the rest of her life with him bringing her down. Maybe an ultimatum is needed for your own sanity

Doesn’t he appreciate the joy (which he’s intent on spoiling) that your grandchildren give to YOU? Or that these are his own daughter’s children?!?
He’s sounds like an irredeemably self- centred person and I’m guessing has probably always been like this.
Time for someone to tell him to grow up and that it’s not all about him. I doubt he’ll listen, or even understand, so there’s little hope of change.
You say you’re very depressed but can’t afford to leave because of your pension. But what about his? On divorce you’ll get half the assets and half the joint income.
If I were you I’d go for it, life is too short to be so very unhappy. Get legal advice to see where you stand financially.
Good luck!

It’s a pity that he can’t enjoy the little ones. They will certainly pick up on the fact that he doesn’t care for them and he won’t have a warm, loving grandparent relationship with them when they’re older. He may be the kind of man that prefers older children BUT good relationships don’t just happen. Relationships are built over time as we all know.
Maybe you can find some kind of compromise. Could he join you and the children just for lunch and is pleasant and entertaining. He could prepare the lunch, or maybe just serve it. Some involvement and interaction with the little ones but on the periphery and not too involved. The rest of the time he can be free to do his own thing. If this doesn’t suit him then he needs to go out or at least take himself off somewhere - shed/garden/library. Failing that I’d make arrangements to care for grandchildren at their home both days. And leave him to his own devises.
Sounds a rather childish, selfish man to me. But it’s his loss. There is nothing nicer than grown up grandchildren who of their own volition come and visit their ageing grandparents. I know because I have that with 2 granddaughters -22 and 24 years. As the saying goes, “You reap what you sow.” I hope you can resolve the issue but DONT allow Him to destroy your potential relationship with the children. Good luck!

I agree with those who have said he is being very possessive and childish here. I don't think the main issue is that he doesn't like children - I think he just doesn't like not being the focus of the OP's attention all the time.
But regardless of that, he is missing out on so much. My husband loves our grandson to bits and when he is here - which is quite a lot of the time, as our son works shifts - they are always outside going for walks with the dog, helping chop wood for the fire or going on all sorts of 'boys' adventures' - even though the wee man is only 4!

I'd suggest you continue caring as you do in both homes, being patient with your husband but clear that you are giving valuable support to your daughter who, one presumes, he does care about? The days before them going to nursery are short and will fly past, enjoy them while you can and continue to include him with or without his pleasure, things may change when they're more interesting to him - at school able to talk about their learning, interested in things, etc Good luck!

I couldn't stay with a man who shows such jealousy towards my GC attention seeking and childish behaviour and such an unwelcome attitude to any of my AC or GC would be making me think long and hard about my future with this man

Notjust - have you considered he might be in the early stages of a form of dementia? Worth thinking about whether there are any other signs. My dear friend has become very intolerant of her sweet little four year old grandson, after having absolutely adored him. She doesn't like anyone paying him any attention. She has a form of vascular dementia, but there are others. It is distressing to see.

Selfish behaviour. Does he have no hobbies? Could he not find something to do in the time they are at your house? Was he always reliant on you for all his attention? I’d be upset if I couldn’t spend time with my grandchildren because of a petty husband. I’m so sorry your in such a difficult situation.

Tell him that if he doesn't like them being around, then he should find somewhere else to go on the days you have the children. I mean good grief it's only one day a week. He sounds like a big, spoilt, sulky kid (and you can tell him that from me!)

Notjustaprettyface
I really feel for your situation. My father was a selfish man who was deeply resentful of my brother (another selfish male) and of the attention my mother gave him. This resulted in my brother acting up and my mother pandering to him even more. You mention that your DH also resents you having friends of your own. From a point of view of total ignorance this sounds like a mild version of narcissism, but I would stress the word mild. You feel unable to divorce him for financial reasons, but the fact you mention it would indicate considerable loss of love for him . I wonder if perhaps the hint of divorce and suggestion of counselling might work? At the very least it might shock him into attempting a compromise, but if not then please don’t rush into divorce solely because of the GCs - they won’t need you for long. I know it’s only a couple of days a week, but as others have said (some of them rather cruelly) there may be ways in which you could be fuelling the problem . Very best wishes to you

Sounds like 'man-child' syndrome. Immature and needy. Obviously needs some toys of his own to play with. Looking after children is hard work which puts some people off, and the precious things they do and say, which makes it all worth while, is lost on some. My husband can be a little like this, but I just tell him what to do! Usually, I look after them on their own which is just easier, and yet they're always asking for grandpa! Your husband may be more interested as they get older and past the messy stage, but in the meantime remind him that they're his flesh and blood and a privilege to care for.

As said you should continue to enjoy them but let him carry on as he is. My husband doesn't play with his grandchildren, but I'm their step gran and I play with them and have a very good relationship with them. I am responsible for my relationship with people I am not responsible for other peoples. Carry on having them and enjoying time with them, but let go of trying to change your husband. You can't.