To young to be an interest grandparent

Well I'll modify my first post by saying not feckless for the son but most definitely feckless of his GF to come off contraception without his knowledge and becoming pregnant.

Oh I'd be fuming too Lomond.

I moved into a flat at the age of 16, sharing with a friend Bluebelle. No help from anyone. Worked full time, paid half of everything and often only half the months rent was paid on time because my older flatmate never had her half on time, and the electricity bill was rarely paid in full for the same reason.

It's doable.

Not that it's anyone's business how I could afford my flat but I was left a substantial amount if money from my grandmother which I got when I turned 16.
My child did have a child minder from the age of 12 months when I returned to work.
I am not saying 20 is too young for him to have a child but the circumstances in which this child was conceived is deceitful.
My original post was because I don't think they should assume living with me is an option.
I am not hostile in front if her as I wouldn't hurt my son in thar way.
I feel they should be looking for their own place.
She stays in our house every weekend and she is messy and lazy and I say nothing. I clear up everything once she goes on a Monday . So to say I'm hostile is a bit unfair.
I'm aloud my opinions when it comes to my son.
They are both very immature and don't take responsibility for anything.

Thank you smileless2012. ?

I am all for helping young couples get on their feet, however

1. They like a lavish life and are not savers
Are they planning to continue that the expense of the grandparents filling the gap?

2. What did your son do to avoid pregnancy? Condoms? Abstinence?

I am not condoning she lied. The woman is not the only one responsible for contraception

3. Another baby of your own
Did your husband change his mind at some point?
Please do not blame this gc for this, it may be a factor but it is not the culprit

How about your son cleaning up her mess after she leaves?

All I am saying is that your son picked her, let's not demonize her as irresponsible when he seems to be too

Lomond
If, as you say “I already have enough on my plate” are you considering having another child?

Hithere. How can you blame the son for the contraception when they clearly had agreed a method which the girlfriend stopped ? Why would he suddenly use a condom if he had no idea the contraception had been stopped??

Of course your allowed your feelings lomond and if she stays with you every weekend and you aren’t hostile towards her that’s got to be good That didn’t come across in your original posts hence my answer
Of course it was irresponsible to stop taking contraception but the fact that your sons still with her suggests they either agreed to do that together or he is happy with the idea of becoming a Dad anyway I totally agree they should have their own place but that obviously isn’t going to happen They haven’t been left a large amount of money and now it is far far harder to get somewhere with a small baby than perhaps 20 years ago
They both work full time so they are not entirely feckless but they haven’t thought it through have they ?
But the deed is done. not much you can do now, hopefully they will both go and live with the other grandparents and mess up their home but things may be different when you welcome your own blood into the world
You may not like the carrier but the baby is part of you

Luca
Because only one method of contraception is not 100% effective - except abstinence

Lucca- autocorrect fail

If you truly want to avoid an outcome- why put the solution on another person's hands?

I was a lot older than you Lomond when I first became a grandmother and, even so, felt I wasn't ready. However, to my surprise, GD and I clicked from the start and we have a great relationship (even though I don't get on with her mother!).

Do try to keep an open mind about the baby, even if you're annoyed about the circumstances. They're not the baby's fault!

As for you having more children, there's absolutely no need to be put off by being a grandmother. A friend of mine had an older half sister who was grown and married when she was born, and said friend had a nephew a year younger than her. Also, in larger families, and especially in the past, the eldest child has been grown up and has left home before the youngest was even born. Sometimes they hardly know each other.

Your reason for having another baby yourself could be to give your grandchild someone to play with!

Lomond, you could turn this on its head and look at it from another perspective.

I was 53 when my grandson was born. I'd been ready to be a granny for at least 10 years. I think I was quite old for a granny, because I knew I might not live to see my grandson graduate from university. I'd like to see him marry and have children, but due to the age I'll be, may never happen.

You'll be able to experience all of that. How lovely?!

I was 53 when my grandson was born
I think I was quite old for a granny, because I knew I might not live to see my grandson graduate from university
Well, that's depressed me ?
I wasn't a Granny until I was in my 60s!

I dont think moving between the two houses is a good idea at all, Lomond - if your son's GF's mother is happy to have them living there then why don't they do that? They could out their names down for HA accommodation.

Carry on with your own plans, I know of some families where uncles and aunts are the same age as their nephews and nieces (or younger).

Otherwise, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater (sorry for the pun) - you can say No but in a kind, loving way. I'm sure this baby will bring its own love with it and you will adore it if given the chance.

I expect you are in shock, pretty much as your mum would have been 20 years ago.
A School friend of dh had a son in the same situation. The friend was retired at the time. The couple seemed to move from her family to his and it was disruptive to all concerned especially as they ended up with 3 children before at long last finding a place of their own.
Suggest if the other gran is happy about things, encourage them to live there and if you want another child go ahead, you are still young enough to do so. My dd was only a couple of years younger than you when she had her first child, my grandchild.

Oh I can see how your plans are shot to pieces and of course you're amazingly still very young, I'd just had my second child when I was 36, although 3 years later my younger child became an uncle and my husband became a grandfather for the first time when his eldest from his first marriage became a parent, I certainly didn't want the step granny title then! although I have a good relationship with my lovely step grandchildren they are all adults now. Of course your son and his girlfriend can't take it as given they can live part of the time with you, I think you should have that conversation with them and how moving in, albeit on a ad hoc basis will adversely affect your plans for the future, I think you should state exactly what those plans are.

Please don't reject the grandchild though you may regret that, the circumstances of any child's arrival isn't their choice and they deserve all the love and support extended family are able to give. I was furious when my son and his then girlfriend decided unwisely to start a family, both too young, their relationship was barely a few months old and if a baby hadn't been on the way, it would have run its course in months. Inevitably they split further down the line, at the time they put us through the wringer somewhat we had to stump up a lot of support, financially, emotionally and time wise. After the split we worked hard to have a mutually civil relationship with the mother of our grandchildren and I think we've achieved that now. We see the children at least 3 or 4 days a month at weekends and school holidays, when they stay over at ours with my son. I really wouldn't be without them they have been a source of joy and there is something incredibly important about the continuum in the relationship of children borne of our own children. There are opportunities there with the benefit of hindsight in having a different relationship with them than that of our actual children, not only being that one step back but drawing from the massive learning curve and mistakes that go with being a parent, if that makes any sense.

Maybe as the girlfriend's mother is over the moon she could accommodate them is that a possibility? I wish you all the best in finding a solution,

It is hard as you will be a young grandparent. You do not appear to feel ""connected" to your son's child & may not particularly like his girlfriend.

But this should be about the unborn child..it did not ask to be conceived.. and not just about convenience, comfort of parents & grandparents.

Not sure if your husband is also your son's dad but if he is then you know that it is possible for relationships to last despite a bumpy start!

I would advise not making an enemy of your grandchild's mother. It is a probably a shock for all concerned.. but the baby deserves the best start in life. You can help with that.

There are (and were) gransnetters who became grans at your age. The ones I know made the most of it.

My youngest was eight when my first grandchild was born to my eldest, who was twenty-eight.

I don't think your problem is about your age. In your position, if I wanted another child myself, I would ask my husband why he thought it was inappropriate now. I used to babysit for a couple whose kids were younger than the grandchildren of one of them (his first wife had died). It didn't appear to be a problem.

I have a similar tale Lomond my son was 20 when his fairly new GF announced her pregnancy,she had told him she had an implant! I told them I'd support them whatever their decision and when they decIded to make a go of it and have the baby we helped with equipment etc.
Our young couple and baby lived with her parents until my son discovered his partner was sleeping with someone else ,he walked out.He was distraught about losing his wee family and they decided on a 50/50 split of time.Due to work shifts it was easier all round if he brought baby home to us ,Where they stayed until she was 10 .
When he met his new partner and they moved in together wee madam stayed with us as normal...just until we were all sure the new relationship would work .She moved in when Dad told her there was a new baby on the way .She is a joy and a delight and I wouldn't have had it any other way ,she adores her new wee sister but still likes to come "home" to us for the odd night .
Life has a way of working for the best when you least expect it.Whetever we think we have to remember this is new and exciting for them,dont spoil it .I'm sure you can work out different living arrangements if you all pull together .Best wishes for a happy year ahead

Lomond I completely understand where you are coming from and how you feel. I feel those who go on about how you will feel when the baby is born are completely barking up the wrong tree. The question of how you feel about the baby when it is born has got nothing to do with your anger with son and gf, who have just conceived a child and have made no plans about how they will manage after the birth, beyond sponging on their parents.

I think they are even more selfish in that they have clearly not wasted a single seconds thought on how this will effect his younger sister who has a diagnosis of autism.

I think these two need to be given a big wake-up call. You need to sit them down and tell them that they cannot live with you. Your responsibilities at work, that your youngest child is autistic, will be more than you could cope with, and if you have a mental breakdown, will they look after you?

The bit that no one is focussing on is that, although you had a baby very young. You did everything you could to stand on your own two feet and support yourself - and did so quite successfully.

Tell them that if their are mature enough to have a child, they are mature enough to make plans for how they are going to support themselves and their child. They need to find somewhere to live, need to plan for the drop in income while she is on maternity leave and need to plan how they will manage about childcare when the gf goes back to work.

I am willing to bet that their ideas for childcare are to assume that their parents will provide it. That you will not, I assume, needs to be said now.

However, one niggle, Your son has clearly grown up with an inflated sense of entitlement, that he can do what he likes how he likes and someone will provide for him. He must have learned that at home. I do think that you need to ask yourself, how far you contributed to him expecting you to subsidise him and perhaps to begin with you could offer them some help with the rent, if they get their own accommodation, not all the rent but some of it and phase it out over two or three years.

Either way you need to make it absolutely clear to your son, that his assumptions of how you are going to support him and his family after the child is born are doomed to disappointment

And when your grandchild is born, you will probably love them, but that is entirely irrelevant to the problem you now have. I would also add, that my DH had aunts who were younger than him and a friend with a large family was pregnant with her eighth child while her daughter was expecting her first. The two boys, now grown up found it hilarious that they were uncle and nephew and could always be guaranteed to misbehave in public shouting 'I am his uncle, he is my nephew' and falling about laughing.

Baggs Agree that ages of children & grandchildren are not in themselves a problem. We have a wide age range in our family..I am the eldest of 3 well spaced siblings & my DH the youngest , by a good few years, of 4 siblings. Cousins, aunts , uncles, nephews & nieces etc all muddle in and find connections across generations quite happily!

I think it will just prove too inconvenient to split homes anyway with a baby and all the palaver you need for them. They should stay at her mums as she is so keen.

By the way are your son and gf paying for their keep when they are with you? If they are both working, I would expect a monthly payment of several hundred £s a month at least.

I woild probably put it aside for when they needed it as a deposit for a flat, but never tell them that.

I put the 'rent', that DDs paid us whenever they were working & living with us, into a savings account and gave it back..not as cash but it bought a washing machine & paid moving expenses etc for them ..