To young to be an interest grandparent

Lomond you have to accept that a baby is coming, is joining your family. Please don’t talk yourself into family estrangement, which is unbearable.

Sorry to say this - but your non acceptance won’t stop the baby being born, and affecting all your lives.

Lomond - I think it’s absolutely fine for you to ‘vent’ here and well done you for being open and honest about your feelings. Much better to find somewhere safe to be open (here) than to bottle them up/shove them down. It’s a really tough time….Just because you have these (understandable) feelings doesn’t mean you’re going to ‘torch’ the family! Ultimately it’s a situation of the young people’s making and they will have to sort it out. Being clear about your boundaries (without being unkind or blaming) is going to be an important foundation here. A really tough situation for you - might be worth thinking about sorting out some counselling for yourself so you can have some regular support to express yourself and to clear your head.

Oh Lomond, you sound like you have so much on your plate.
There's a very wise comment on this thread saying step back a little. To me you sound as if you are overwhelmed, and I can't imagine how demanding an autistic child of five may be.
I really didn't know about how I would feel to be a grandmother until I met the little thing. I love her to bits. But I'm 63 and I know I can't have more children. No wonder you have mixed reactions. You still wish for another child. You still have much of your life ahead of you.
You're practical enough to know having both one more child and another grandchild in your home, along with your five year old, would be too much.
I think you need to take a deep breath and explain this as calmly as possible to both your son and his girlfriend. I think they are presuming rather a lot, but they are not unique, and they are young. I've seen young people who didn't have jobs at the time of a baby's conception mature into sensible adults. It sounds as if your husband may not just be prematurely ageing - is he worn out too?
If you possibly can, try to imagine the best possible outcome in the decades ahead - you are still so young. Don't cut off your options before the baby arrives.

You've probably carried the weight of supporting all your family on your shoulders. Time for parameters now. Good luck.

You have the right to no longer house your adult son and his partner. That is a reasonable boundary you’re entitled to set. Her mother seems to be willing to house them, which is great. Moving constantly between two households with an infant is also very stressful and challenging, but they don’t know that yet.

I’m concerned about this part of your post: “ I have zero interest in this grandchild and want absolutely nothing to do with it.” It feels like you are projecting your anger, disappointment and feeling pressured onto this unborn child who will be your flesh and blood. This is your son’s child and your grandson, regardless of the circumstances or how you feel about your son’s partner. Think about this innocent child and the feeling of knowing your living grandmother wants nothing to do with you.

It’s not your responsibility to house them, but it’s absolutely your responsibility to work out your unresolved issues, which seem to stem from early motherhood and the burnout of caring for a child with special needs.

Yes, your son is acting entitled and you can say no. But, also - yes - your family is right that you are being extremely harsh in your judgment of this child. No child deserves to be viewed with such vitriol, most especially before birth.

I recommend working with a therapist on learning how to set healthy boundaries without the additional angry projections.

My Granddaughter was a Covid baby,
Born in Lockdown 2 hrs away from where I live. My daughter was 21 her 1st child and did it all alone. She was so brave and I was so proud of her. As soon as I was able I jumped on the train to meet my 1st grand child. A beautiful little girl called Delilah. I loved her instantly. After a year of expensive visits, baby items and house items my daughter split up with her partner and at Christmas moved back home. I have a 2 bedroom house and another daughter my youngest who still lives here, it is crouded my home is not like my home anymore I sleep in my room on settee and they have my room. I woundnt want it any other way, its short time til she gets another house, it's what a parent does isn't it. I get to do all the fun stuff and to be honest I get to laugh giggle and smile now everyday. My daughter left her house all her possessions clothes furniture make up, paper work etc
I had to reassure and let her know that it's just items and all can be replaced, gradually myself and my mum Delilahs great grandma bought items of clothes a travel cot etc she has all she needs, most importantly a strong happy mother. Xxxxx

I think your anger comes from your own situation more than your sons and how it affects you.

Your husbands change of heart is not your sons fault. Did your husband really want another baby. Once you leave the sleepless nights and nappies behind not many wish to return as life does get a little easier! Are you jealous of her pregnancy and are mourning the fact your husband is now saying no. This needs big discussion and its not a decision your son and his partner are responsible for.

You also say you have a lot on yourself esp with an autistic child still at home. Can you access respite care to get a break?

Your son is responsible for contraception too, hoping his girlfriend doesn't forget the pill or trusting it will not fail is also his responsibility. He should of been wearing a condom if he didn't want children. He has nobody else to blame but himself.

You day you did it all on your own, you had support but never asked. But you still took it! You did brilliantly but a large substantial amount of money you received gave you that opportunity. There is no way you could work fill time, have a baby and pay bills without any help... the financial help made that possible!! Yes you did amazingly well but you were given the tools to make that happen.

You don't need to have you son come live with you, just tell him. But I'd be careful on how you direct your anger. My mil did nothing for me when my babies were tiny she didn't want too, then once they got older and fun she had a change of heart. Unfortunately I didn't let go for how much she upset me and I limited her access to once a fortnight. By then her change of heart was too late, I'd made my own full life and I wasn't changing it to suit her. Your sons girlfriend if hurt when she's vulnerable could very easily shut you out too and you could regret it. Your son and his girlfriend will find their feet just like you did. You just now need to recharge and readdress your own situation and issues separately.

Wonder how Lomond is getting on. I can't see after a twenty year gap she and her husband starting again having a child of their own. At least her son isn't a teenager and she does have a choice about them living with her. I would be thrilled about the grandchild, it's coming somwelcome it, the son and is partner need to buckle down and sort things out, maybe living with her mother for a short time. Sure in time all will work out for the best.

Hello Lomond - I really feel for you and just wanted to offer you my support, for what it's worth. I agree with Germanshephermum . That you feel angry, upset and trapped -as your son probably does on some level, - is completely understandable. Don't let anyone make you think you vshould feel otherwise. It's hard to find housing these days, but if you and your husband can somehow support your son in trying to find somewhere to live,or if he goes to her mother,. then you can take it from there. and probably your relationship with him may be somewhat easier, and in the future you may feel more able to have a relationship with his child. You were a child when you had your son. He is not. He is now 20 - not that much older, or ready for this, and probably, like you,understandably in a panic,but at his age when he can, with support, take practical to find a better solution to this,
You have to think of your family, your young child , and you should not have this disruption forced upon you, you should not feel obliged to have a young woman, who is virtually a stranger to you, suddenly change the whole family dynamic and your life for the foreseeable future. As you say, you love your son, and you do support him, but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your sanity by accepting the situation he and his girlfriend propose. You are young - same age as my son and daughter-in-law. You and your husband have busy responsable jobs You should not have this foist upon you. I do hope you can help your son find a better housing solution. But don't feel your feelings are unjustified - they are not. Good luck!

Your son and his girlfriend need to learn how to be responsible adults. I wouldn’t be happy about enabling them to continue over spending while living with their parents.

Aside from the issue of their lavish spending, your attitude toward your grandchild is unfortunate. You and your husband should be able to have more children and also have a grandchild too. I should point out that if you hadn’t had your first child at the age of sixteen you probably wouldn’t be such a young grandmother! It is what it is. There should be room in your heart for your children and grandchildren.

This post is gross. Like it or not, your baby is having a baby and it would be in your best interest to respect the mother of this precious gift. Shoot yourself in the foot now and that will set you up for a lifetime of regret.

Why are you dredging up months old threads about family conflict?

Obviously, it's entirely up to you what you do, I'm just being nosy.

I’m 47 and have a 4 month old GS. When I first found out my son and his girlfriend were expecting, I was livid. Neither worked and couldn’t afford to raise a child. They were mature age wise (24 and 21) but immature mentally. They don’t have the right mindset to raise a child..I was like you.. don’t want nothing to do with it…
It wasn’t until I looked at that little man when I released that I am going to have the opportunity to support the child.

You have been a young mother and you know already what they are in for. You will understand their frustration when they can’t go party all night. You will be the person they will come to for advice. You don’t have to be in their back pocket, just be available.

For me, I now can’t get enough of my GS and enjoy every minute with him. ?

You have the right to feel any way you do, but my question is did your parents help you at 16 or did you drop out of high school, move out and get a job? Were your parents involved in your son's life? If not do you wish they were? They are older than 16 and yes they need to accept the responsibility of being parents but that doesn't mean that you can't be a good loving supportive grandparent to your grandchildren.