To young to be an interest grandparent

Having children often leads to having grandchildren so if you aren't going to treat them with love then it is daft trying to have a relationship at all with either

I don't believe I've seen anyone saying they don't love their grandchildren.
It isn't necessary to turn into the Waltons to show and feel love.

Lol MissA what is wrong with a middle ground when the opposite is children who don't feel loved?

My daughter told me she felt very loved, despite never having met her grandparents on "his" side.
A middle ground, to me, would be supporting the son to be a proper grown up dad.

Oh wow, Violetsky that's surely very annoying and frustrating! I have never done that, in all honesty. I know 100% my kids would hate it and have chosen to keep their kids off social media. It's sad for the kids when they ask why they can't see their GP.

If you love your kids, I can't see how you could fail to love their kids. It's beyond me.

Who can not love a baby because it was born at the wrong time?! Wow.

It's fairly normal, from my experience.
His mother told everyone how tiny my daughter was, and how grateful she was to the prem unit, omitting to say she had never seen her.

MissAdventure

My daughter told me she felt very loved, despite never having met her grandparents on "his" side.
A middle ground, to me, would be supporting the son to be a proper grown up dad.

My situation is not the same as that, it's very different to be in the presence of someone who says they love you but their actions give a vastly different message.

Better to stay out of the lives of family you don't want a relationship with

OnwardandUpward

Oh wow, Violetsky that's surely very annoying and frustrating! I have never done that, in all honesty. I know 100% my kids would hate it and have chosen to keep their kids off social media. It's sad for the kids when they ask why they can't see their GP.

If you love your kids, I can't see how you could fail to love their kids. It's beyond me.

Who can not love a baby because it was born at the wrong time?! Wow.

I do personally agree, I just do understand its not that easy for some people....

But children absolutely shouldn't ever suffer

Yes, but that doesnt pertain to the op's situation, nor anyone else on the thread.
Nobody has said they dislike their grandchild because they were born at the wrong time.

I think it's important to know and understand pitfalls so they can be avoided.

Think of it as a stop sign

It sounds as though you are in shock over this situation and I'm sorry there have been very harsh comments in some posts.
I get the impression that, if your DS and his GF had been in a stable relationship for a long time preferably with a home of their own and had both decided to have a baby, you would feel differently and be looking forward to getting to know your GC.
That's not the position though and you're probably frightened that there is so much potential for people, including your as yet unborn GC, getting badly hurt through this situation. The strength of your reaction may be connected to that fear.
Working while looking after a young autistic child and considering having another child is a lot to deal with already.
You and your DH must try to be on the same page and think about your future family life - your son, with or without his girlfriend and baby will presumably not still be staying with you in a couple of years time.
Your husband may then regret not having another child of your own - especially if your son and girlfriend should split up and you end up hardly seeing your GC anyway.
In the meantime, you have to decide what to do.
I doubt having them moving between your house and her mum's house is sustainable or good for anyone - other than for a very short time. They need to sort out their own accommodation fairly quickly. Equally, you need to tell them what you can and cannot do to support them: whether you would put them up at all and, if so, for how long; whether you might be in a position to help financially either short or long term; reassure your son that you will always love him and will love your GC.
Your son is probably feeling lost and panicky given the circumstances and needs to know you love him and will help him within whatever limits you choose to set.
If you and your husband can't fully agree, perhaps it would be worth considering seeing a counsellor on your own to help you with the impact of all of this.
It is perfectly possible that your son and his girlfriend settle down, get their own home and you have a great relationship with them. I would try not to close the door on a relationship with his girlfriend or your grandchild but also avoid feeling pressured to change your plans and family life to solve their problems - they are adults even if they're still young. I hope things work out far better than you could imagine.

You are harsh You had your son at 16 but are outraged that he is having a baby at 20 ! Glad that the other granny has a better attitude

Forgive me if this has already been said - I haven't got the energy to trawl through 8 pages ... But it seems to me that the first issue for you is to sort out with your husband whether or not to have another child. Did he want another child? Did you ever discuss having one? Is he perhaps using this as an excuse not to have another one? Surely that is the issue you need to agree on. And from there you will know how much time and energy (and money) you can offer to your son and his child? It sounds like you haven't mentally finished having your own family yet and now you're being pushed into being granny. Sort out what YOU want first; then you can sort out what you can offer. "They plan to half their time between both parents houses" - oh do they?? You need to stand your ground and be clear about what you can offer. It's their responsibility now to put a roof over their child's head - not yours (that's the difference between parents and grandparents). Good luck.

Sorry, Lomond. I think you are in shock, and I think that you must be very, very busy with such a responsible job and a child who has autism. Sometimes people just want to vent because they are so upset. They want to say mad, bad things because they feel they're about to explode somewhere where they feel safe doing so. I get that. As far as your attitude being old-fashioned, that's ridiculous. The idea that old fashioned ideas are all bad is ridiculous. Since you had a baby at 16, I doubt that you're terribly old-fashioned. Nor do I think that having a baby at 16 necessarily predicts your children doing the same thing unless you constantly encourage them and tell them that sex is pretty much a lark with no possible consequences. Doubt very much you did that. I'm utterly amazed that no one has thought of the obvious solution, which is to give the child up for adoption. An oops is one thing, but starting a marriage with a lie as the underpinnings is wrong for everyone involved. Someone can give this child a lovely home and all the love it needs with none of the attending chaos and angst that is found in your situation. The youngsters can get on with their lives and so can their parents. The idea that every child that is conceived has to be drug home (no matter what the age of the parents) is just stupid. Adoption exists to solve this issue with very good results for everyone. People who are sure that they cannot give up a child of their own in these situations may not always be thinking of the child. It's a bad idea to use a child to keep oneself from being lonely. Also, it sounds like the woman's (she's not a girl) mother just wants to play doll babies. I hope you suggest adoption to them, perhaps supporting it with some facts and statistics. I also hope you do not allow them to dictate how you will live your life. As a final point, I think all this tension will be very bad for your autistic child. You have to consider that child first, before embarking on something that will disrupt the whole household because that child has a handicap that you will have to deal with all of your life. Prayers and good luck.

If one of my kids came to me with the assumption they, partner and baby could live in my home part-time, I’d have to say it wasn’t feasible. In your position, your young son has the right not to have to deal with such disruption. I’ve never heard of a couple that enjoys living with parents/in laws, so the arrangement probably wouldn’t satisfy them for very long anyway. I’m guessing the arrangement will be intended to include free babysitting/childcare! They’ll need their own space soon enough, it would be helpful to encourage them to plan for that.

Totally agree with with Germanshepherdmum's post 5/4/22 @ 13.15.
The situation where a woman "catches" a man in order to have a baby is as old as time. Stopping contraception without your son's knowledge is a huge betrayal of trust.
Should the relationship survive your son would be well advised to use condoms after the baby's birth.
Maybe you and your husband could help the couple find a place to rent and pay the rent for a fixed amount of time.
Sounds as though they will need to be shown how to budget for utilities, baby and household expenses.
Your emotions must be all over the place at the moment but hopefully by the time the baby arrives you will be able to enjoy being a loving Granny.
Good luck.

Oh dear - life throwing you a curve ball. I think there are some unhelpful remarks on here. Woman are in general expected to fit into ‘the caring role’ and I don’t blame you for feeling trapped when you don’t feel ready .
Some boundary setting is needed I think. Your son and his partner will be the parents and as such they really should be making plans that involve both GP’s but not making you responsible . Good luck

It sounds as if your husband is using the grandchild as an excuse not to have any more children of your own, seems like perhaps he didn't want any more and is using this situation to his advantage.
The gf has tricked your son into parenthood and son storms off when you try to speak to him, nowhere to live, no savings.
If I were you I would put down everything you need to say to him on paper, take a few days over it, edit it down, try to leave emotion out of it, basically say what you are/are not prepared to do. If them not living at yours at all is what you want, make it clear. Give him this letter, leave him to digest it. You do not have to facilitate any of this unless you want to.

So many comments on here are harsh and judgemental.
You are trying to come to terms with the situation and I feel for you.

This is not advice but if I were in your position I think I'd try hard to encourage them to find a flat. I'd offer the deposit if I could afford it as it will give them a chance to make their little family "work".

Thinking of you.

Happycatholicwife1The soon to be GC has a MOTHER and a Grandmother who want him/her why on earth would you suggest adoption.Lots of women have babies at 21 and bring them up ...even on their own to be good caring people.Adoption was the answer in the last century and it caused more issues than it solved for thousands of adoptees ,look at the mess the catholic curch made of it!

I agree Paddyann -to suggest adoption seems an intrusion too far !
However for what it is worth, the issue seems to be less about a baby, than about these young people starting to grow up.
Living at home and spending what you earn is not a good start to any relationship, let alone a family life.

MawtheMerrier I agree and in my first post I said they need to all sit down together and work out living arrangements .I dont think the OP saying she doesn't want "her or her baby" in the house is fair or justified.Its her SONS baby too .That wont help her relationship with him at all.They need to sit down and be honest with him but not place blame on just the girl ...that will inflame the situation.

Unless you've lived in harmony with multiple generations and know how to thrive in that way, living together is hard.

I think it's fair to point out to your son, that in many cultures it's normal and expected to all live together but that it works because there are clear guidelines and hierarchies. For most of us, it's not our culture to live like this, so we didn't bring up our kids that way and they will not behave in a way that's going to make this a success.

In certain cultures when a young couple does live with their parents, very often the young woman is an asset as she will clean and cook for the family, having a clearly defined role. The parents are benefited from this by being looked after. There are reasons why this works. Simply- it's beneficial for everyone. The young couple get to live for free and the older ones get looked after for free. The Mother in law starts to relax and live a more luxurious life now that the daughter in law can clean and cook.

But most of us haven't brought our kids up that way, if we don't live in that type of culture. Living together without clearly defined roles and expectations is a recipe for disaster and no one will be happy.

What doesn't work is the 20 something year old trying to stay the same, living for almost free and expecting their parent to still take responsibility for everything. The young person needs to take responsibility for the life they have created. They might take offence for a while, but ultimately they do need to grow up and hopefully if it's done in the right way , with good communication you can all keep your love and respect for each other.

This is Harsh You had a child at 16. That's fine, if it's fine with you

You are a PM, and your husband a GP Where is the empathy here?

Wait for the reality of this baby

I don't see how this affects your family plans

Lomond my late sister had 11 children and some of them were younger than her grandchildren. Don't make that an excuse. I am sure you will love your grandchild when it arrives and want to help out . Please don't burn your bridges.