Granddaughter showing preference for other grandmother and ignoring me

I have six grandchildren, but because of circumstances I have had a very close relationship with one of the twelve year old girls. Out of her twelve years she’s lived five of them with us, and I know that apart from her mum, my husband and I have been the only stability in her life.

But things are changing, she’s growing up, doing lots of things with her friends, becoming involved with her new stepdad’s family who are all lovely.

Am I sad? Maybe just a little, but it’s such a joy to watch her spread her wings.

The lack of empathy for the visiting grandparent is astonishing. OP has been privileged to live near her grandchild her whole life and is whinging about a two month visit from a grandparent who lives thousands of miles away, and posters are saying poor you don’t worry she’ll be gone soon.

vegansrock

Have some empathy for the Australian Grandmother, she only sees her granddaughter for a limited time, she’s probably jealous of your closeness. Give them some space to build their relationship, take a step back, go on holiday yourself, be the adult.

This

I think of my own relationship with Grandma and I simply didn't like her. My elder sister was the favourite and that suited me as I didn't want to go on the (boring?) trips she took her anyway. Same with my own children they favour/ed certain aunts, uncles, grandparents over others. That's human nature. Does the other Grandparent have a different style of relationship with your GD that you could maybe try?

It seems lovely that the Australian Granny is having some special time with her grandaughter , I'm guessing that is a very rare treat for her.

I think you know in your heart of hearts Flora that your feelings might be human (and I understand them) but they are not fair on either your grandaughter or her other Granny really. Let them enjoy their time together, put a smile on your face and enjoy watching her spread her wings, build other relationships, learn new things. As said previously this will pass ..but your grandaughter will have learnt some new things about herself and others and the wider world. How lovely

I think you may have to brace yourself Flora. Your granddaughter is 12. She soon going to be independent, friends (and boyfriends) will be the most important thing in her life.
Grandparents move to the periphery.

You may go back to your close relationship but I think it’s more likely that this signals the end of an era. Trying to hang on to the child will just alienate the emerging adult.

Just remember that Australian grandma will really miss your granddaughter when she goes back home. Don’t begrudge this short happy time she has with her.

My twin DGDs live in Australia and see their Australian Gran nearly every day but whenever we visit she deliberately keeps out of the way to give us precious time with them. The girls are always very excited to have us there but talk about their other gran as she's a big part of their lives. It's never occurred to me that she might be jealous of us, she's always very friendly toward us. I would be very upset if I thought our visit was causing the hurt you seem to be experiencing. let your DGD enjoy the other Gran but, as others have said, she's also growing up and will become more independent.

Lathyrus
I agree, but that’s how it should be

I am sorry you are upset but as the other gran is only here for a short while I would step back and let them have their time together. I do think you have to accept that as they become teenagers you will probably be seeing less of her anyway. All but one of my GC are now teenagers or adults and I just enjoy hearing from their parents about all the goings on rather than be heavily involved in everything. The seem to live in such a different world to me!

Flora Rose, I'd feel just the same!

Of course you feel possessive of a precious relationship!

The young girl has not changed but has shown a side of her, to be enchanted with someone new and charismatic, that you were unaware of. In later years you may be able to advise her if her emotions are too precipitate.

Also, when the young girl becomes mature, maybe not until after you yourself are dead, she will realise her behaviour will have hurt your feelings.

In the next few days, it may be better for you to stay away from these meetings with the other woman as there is no point in being in an awkward social situation when you don't have to.

Doodle

It’s a fascination with something new. Someone different to talk to. A grandparent who hasn’t been seen for ages and suddenly appears. Please don’t take it to heart. I know you’re upset but the other grandma will be gone soon and the novelty will wear off.

Very sensible comment from Doodledog. This grandparent is a novelty but will soon have gone home. Try to think of it positively for the other grandma, she rarely gets to see her grandchild and is enjoying her time with her.

Juliet27

Just remember that Australian grandma will really miss your granddaughter when she goes back home. Don’t begrudge this short happy time she has with her.

Exactly.

Lucca

Juliet27

Just remember that Australian grandma will really miss your granddaughter when she goes back home. Don’t begrudge this short happy time she has with her.

Exactly.

I agree

How exciting that Granny from Australia has been able to come over after what has probably been a very long three years when she hasn't seen her precious grand-daughter because of Covid.

I hope you made the other Granny feel welcome too.

It's such a short time before she goes back and they are making the most of their time together, be glad for them both.

I just noticed I typed ‘Freda’ once in my post among also saying ‘Flora’ several times! Silly me, my apologies for the mistake Flora.

Although I can sympathise up to a point with your supposed feeling of rejection, try to concentrate on the fact that the gran from Australia is only here for two short months.
Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She is, I’m sure loving every moment with her granddaughter, but she will equally be well aware that the clock is ticking to her return home.
You really mustn’t begrudge this poor woman her time here. Isn’t it wonderful that she has had such a warm welcome from the granddaughter she probably misses every single day ?

I do hope you’ve been friendly towards her.

I can understand that you are feeling a little hurt and deep down a bit jealous of this new relationship your granddaughter has with her other Grandma, don’t worry too much though. Children can be very fickle, when she has only you around you will be her world, when her friends or cousins are there it may be them. At the moment it’s the Grandma who she hasn’t seen for years who will be lavishing attention on her who is the centre of her universe. That’s just how children are, she still loves you just the same and will no doubt return her affections back to you once the other Grandma has gone home, for now step back and let the other grandma have her moment.

One day sadly they all grow up, have new people in their lives and we often become a smaller part of their circle, that’s why we have to enjoy them while they’re young and enjoy visiting us.

I can understand your hurt, it's because you love your granddaughter so much but because of that we have to understand their needs and feelings first. Just feel blessed you live close to your granddaughter and remember all the lovely times you have shared and will share.

This original post has made me feel very uncomfortable & when I first read it I thought it must be some kind of joke to get a conversation going, but I fear it is not.
I think you need to spend some time with people your own age and have some fun so you can get things back in perspective. Stop validating yourself through silly comparisons. I'm sorry if this sounds hard but it's tough love

Of course you are feeling sad that your grandaughter has taken a step back from you and a large step towards her other grandmother. You are only human and you obviously have a lot invested in this relationship. However, the more churlish you are about it, the more you will lose so grit your teeth, smile lots and reassure your grandaughter that it is lovely she has another person in her life that loves her so much.
Whilst I understand your angst, if you love her so much, you will want her to be happy. If two months with her other grandmother gives her such happiness, let her have that time without making her feel uncomfortable about it. I am sure if you can make the best of this situation, extend a hand of friendship to the other grandmother and are generous with your pleasure with the bond with her, you will ultimately reap the rewards of the love of your grandaughter.
Please ask your daughter not to try to influence your grandaughter, it won't end well.
I am sorry to hear you are widowed.. Maybe this is a wake up call that you need to find other interests too so that you are not reliant on somebody who will naturally move away from you as she grows up.

Perhaps the child is aware that she only has her other GM here for a short while?

I say, be kind to yourself and leave it to sort itself out.

I know for a fact my granddaughter has a better bond with her other grandmother because she lives local to her and always sleeps over. I get very min time with her due to her parents divorce. I just enjoy my time with her when I get it. And maybe your jealous is showing through but how do you think other grand mum feels being so far away from her. Your granddaughter is her own person and just because you bought her a phone don’t make her yours. Yes I also live alone but I’m definitely not jealous of my grandkids other grandparents. She is starting to become a teenager she will drift even further when she gets onto the boys it’s life unfortunately it’s called growing up.

It's more that your GD at 12 isn't mature enough really to understand other people's feelings. She has no intention of hurting you and her love for you is constant - your relationship is exactly as it always has been. This other gran is a novelty and she has reacted just as any youngster would do. It's nothing to worry about.

M0nica

I have always found that the way to stay close to children and grandchildren is to let them go.

I absolutely agree! And I don't wish to appear unkind but I get the impression the OP does smother her GD.
The child is only 12 and seeing her other GM is a novelty, cut her some slack, you haven't lost her for good.
The other GM is only around for 2 months, do let them enjoy each others company.

the attitude of the OP to her relationship with her GD sounds unhealthy.