Are we being unreasonable?

Calling the parents names is perhaps not right, VioletSky, but lots of us are questioning their judgement because it sounds like an unhealthy situation, and dismissing it as parents simply "wanting to do the best for their child" is over-simplistic.

The parents for some reason do not have confidence in the grandparents' ability to keep their toddler'safe outside the home, but the question is why, and the care-giver is perfectly entitled to ask that question.

Is it a problem specifically with the grandparents, or is there no one they would trust with his outdoor safety?
(We don't know if the child is looked after by a parent the rest of the time, or has other care-givers.)

Or is it an anxiety issue, a mental health issue? Given that dgm is trusted to look after dgs indoors, I suspect it might be.

Also, having to beg permission even to take the child you are minding out for a walk in the buggy is not 'normal'.

If it is parental anxiety, the parent(s) perhaps need to seek medical help with this for the sake of both their own well-being and that of their child. Left untreated, it could get progressively worse, and however much the parents think they have their child's best interests at heart, the reality of their decisions could actually be damaging for him.

I agree Allsorts. The only contact Emma's had in recent weeks following a row, was when she was told by her son they need to discuss things in the next few weeks.

Why not now? She hasn't had her GC for the last 3 Fridays because her d.i.l. has taken Fridays off; is this going to be a permanent arrangement? Is Emma's help no longer required?

The silent treatment and leaving someone hanging in this way is controlling and manipulative and particularly unpleasant when contact with a GC may be at stake.

I think you may need to wait till "^the conversation^" happens. Your son has acknowledged one needs to happen. I would ask him when.

I hope you can both go to this discussion with open minds. Do not go feeling you are right and they are wrong. Please try to find common ground rather than areas of conflict- after all, both families want the best for the little one, you just currently are seeing how that should pan out, differently.

Good luck.

I think a lot of the advice will drive a wedge between this family.

I will again say that the parents can't change their feelings to suit another's idea of fairness. It doesn't work like that.

Wait until they are ready for their child to have trips out in the car.

If it is anxiety or anything else, this will be mitigated by building trust, not destroying it.

I agree Violet - I think having an open and conciliatory conversation may help though.
And I also feel that looking to the future is important for Emma and her partner.

agnurse

They have the right to dictate where a caregiver may and may not take their child.

You have the right to decide whether or not you're willing to agree to that. If the answer is no, then clearly you're not going to be able to provide childcare any longer.

It's really that simple.

There it is, the answer is there.

Talking is always key. It may be that Emma and her son and d.i.l. are unable to come to an arrangement that suits both parties, in which case alternative arrangements will have to be made for childcare on Friday's. Hopefully this wont result in little or no future contact for Emma with her son's family.

Having had contact just the once since the fallout, not being asked to have the GC since this happened and having no idea whether or not Emma' help will be asked for in the future, is understandably disconcerting. As I posted earlier, silent treatment and leaving someone hanging is very unpleasant especially when there's a child involved.

So the conversation needs to be had doesn't it Norah, not in the next few weeks but now so everyone knows where they stand.

Emma64 We ended up having a row over the phone and did has taken Friday off for the past 3 weeks. We haven’t had any contact apart from my son saying we need to discuss things in the next few weeks. I have know idea why this is such a big ask. Going forward they had already asked me to watch him at theres from 7-5.30 each week. They live in an isolated area and with no car seat I can’t even walk to a park or shop. Is this fair?

Fair has no bearing, they want certain things done with their child.

I would be wanting to babysit in my home, get on with my day, do housework, work in the garden, walk him in a buggy.

I wouldn't expect (nor have we done with our 8 GC, 4GGC) to shop or drive about. I have carseats, for transport in emergency. I consider driving them about a parents duty, not our duty - my plate being full.

Smileless2012

So the conversation needs to be had doesn't it Norah, not in the next few weeks but now so everyone knows where they stand.

I agree they need to have a conversation.

I'd not agree that it needs to be this moment.

Give emotions time to settle, to think.

In my day as a mother and in my mothers generation, no grandparents did childcare. A trip out or a treat by grandparents happened, but no regular childcare.

Things have changed but ACs maybe need to realise that they are lucky, it’s a relatively new thing, grandparents doing childcare that doesn’t need paying for.

In my day, every hour of childcare had to be paid for.

They will have to take him out some time to playgroup or school I imagine! If it is safety when he is with yourself and your husband in the car, I would be tempted to point out that, statistically speaking, it is far more likely for a younger driver to cause an accident than an older one, although I would think your DS and his GF are extremely careful with their precious cargo! If it is other drivers, then it is just as likely to happen to them! If they do not trust you to take him out even on foot, I myself would be vastly insulted and quite cross! Also it’s your car! Difficult one, let’s hope good sense, reason and LOVE can prevail in your discussion. As it is, does rather smack of ‘my way or the highway’ from your son and as you do so much for him, I think a little gratitude would be nice. Also you have a bond with your GS and I think to sever it is unkind to you, your DH and your GS.

Sorry but this is totally unacceptable you are doing them a HUGE favour - the childcare you provide will be a massive help to the couple.

Ask them what would happen if you needed to take GS to a doctor for a condition that would not warrant an ambulance

I am a registered childminder, childcare is not cheap so you are providing a service although obviously it's your gc.
We live in the city but I take my children into the community everyday. It's important for their development, meeting people, seeing nature, workmen, plus attending library groups, city farms, etc.
If the child was with me I wouldn't take a child on if parents requested that we weren't to go out.
My parents appreciate all of our days out & the experiences that their children get.
I'm sorry but I think the child's parents in this case are perhaps rather misguided as to the needs of their child. As people say, it's their call but unreasonable to expect the op to abide by this

He is being a selfish, tell him to act his age and not be such a drama queen. The petty narcissist wants to realise you are doing him a favour.

You are being more than reasonable. You are not at fault, your son is having a massive tantrum and it seems he is quite happy to use you for his own benefit. I hope you do not try to be conciliatory with him, he needs to grow up and accept that you are not in his employ and have a life of your own. If he has to be so controlling It suggests your son has some sort of problem that he needs to resolve, and he needs to trust you.
Do not let him “make” you feel any guilt about standing up for yourself. Is your son a narcissist?

Some odd but not unsurprising responses here.
I certainly would not want to be stuck in an out of the way house with an energetic toddler, unable to drive or reasonably walk anywhere for such a long day.
The parents presumably need childcare to work and of course it is free if you provide it. For this to work there has to be give and take on both sides whereas here there appears to be none on the part of the son. Indeed there does seem to be an element of blackmail: if you don't toe the line you won't see the grandson. There may be reasons for their anxiety about you taking him out, but they need to resolve those.

Up until now this has been a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Now it is not. Have a calm conversation and figure out together how to move forward. You both might still need some time before this can happen.

As far as posters calling the parents names, I don’t think that’s conductive to helping OP stay in a calm frame of mind.

Yes I agree a calm discussion is needed, if someone looks after a grandchild on a regular basis it is really not usual to have to ask for permission to take them out in the buggy (which is not the same as mentioning your plans to the parents so as they know what is happening). I would only expect to ask permission if planning a special outing

I have every sympathy. Following a dispute with my AS regarding 4 year old GD whom I had cared for once a week overnight and every Thursday with the odd babysitting, he has controlled and manipulated us long enough. Following a disagreement when he wanted us to have now 2 children from Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon while he had a “blowout” night out (I was working 3 days a week then), we offered Saturday 4pm until 10 am Sunday, he cut us off as it wasn’t long enough. He returned GC birthday gifts and cards and told us to keep away. We have not seen our AS, GF or GC now for a year and he has told our other AS that they are moving away. It is extremely hard and upsetting, but we refuse to pander to their selfishness any longer. There is a lot more to this story, but hard as it is for us, we will wait until he apologises and contacts us. Currently we have been blocked in phone and social media. Respect is not in their vocabulary nor is gratitude for saving them £thousands. We were bank of mum and dad. No more!

An informative and I think helpful post from the perspective of a registered childminder Shoulddobetter. It's extremely unlikely that they'll find a childminder who'd be prepared to look after their child under such restrictive conditions.

It seems they solved it by one of them not working Fridays

I'm so sorry that you've been estranged by your son Sheian and that you and your GC are being punished because you were unable to provide the free childcare/baby sitting that he wanted.

To have the relationship you've built with your GC taken away is cruel, for you and for them. We were lucky that when our son estranged us more than 9.5 years ago, our GC was less than a year old.

We were never really given the chance to get to know him and have never met his younger brother. We miss what we never had, how much harder for you to miss the GC you know and love .

maybe they solved the childcare issue but a much bigger and more important issue needs to be resolved; the relationship between the family members.