Are we being unreasonable?

No that’s out of order. If they trust you to look after their son, then it should be perfectly ok to take Gs out and about in your car. If they have an issue they need to discuss sensibly with you.

Yes it does, I think that can be achieved by respecting the parents feelings until they are ready for little one to go out in the car.

Forcing the issue will just cause stress and anxiety and put more strain on the relationship

Absolutely Awesomegranny you either trust the person you leave your child with or you don't, and as others have also said this needs to be discussed sensibly.

The apparent silent treatment is petty, immature and counter productive.

We looked after both sets of grandchildren one day a week until school age. Both daughters were extremely grateful, and what we did with them was never questioned, it never occurred to me that they wouldn’t trust us with their care. It’s very sad that you will possibly lose the bond you have developed with your grandchild. I agree with mOnica, a civilised conversation needs to happen.

Nobody would have me over a barrel over childcare for grandchildren. We help with ours when we can and while they are with us it's definitely our rules.
OP I wouldn't even bother contacting them and let them come to you.
They sound very controlling people and need to learn that you can't control your parents or inlaws.

Whenever we minded our GC we never asked their parent's permission to take them anywhere! We went wherever we needed or wanted to go (on foot, with the buggy or in the car) just with a small child in tow. We bought our own car seats and buggies. None of the parents ever objected or set rules for how we cared for our GC. We had brought them up so they thought us more than capable of caring for their children. TBH I would not have been dictated to in the way that the OP is being treated.

Emma64 Go and see your S and DIL. Don't wait for them to instigate the discussion, go and see them. Ask them bluntly why they object to you taking your GS out when he is with you. It may be easy for your S to argue with you in a phone call, not so easy when you're standing in front of him. Assure them that you will always take the greatest care of your GS and give him all the attention he needs, but their 'rules' are restrictive and unreasonable. Suggest that you buy your own car seat and buggy so that you can take him to the shops/park/library or petting farm which he and you would enjoy. Remind them that you are doing them a favour by providing free childcare. If they still refuse to compromise then tell them they'll have to make other arrangements as you are not their employee.

Emma64

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. Yes, I’ve usually looked after him at ours and no incidents or dramas. They bought the car seat and I offered to buy it off of them but was told “don’t be silly you don’t need to do that”. I’m prepared to compromise on the not taking him in the car and letting them know if we’re going for a walk in the buggy but would prefer to have him at mine where I can also get on with my day. I work Monday through Thursday so it’s part of my time off. Plus as he’s getting a little older it’s trickier to keep him entertained stuck in doors all day. We are going to try and discuss it calmly as I really do want to know what their concerns are.

If my Mum ever looked after my kids I was so grateful , she wouldn't have tolerated me laying down the law either . I ? let them treat you so disrespectfully considering you are proving free and loving childcare. You all need to talk !

DGD1 came for short stays from the age of five months and at nearly 20 is still close and loving and makes it her business to stay in touch. DGD2 and DGS were with us much less often and I know them far less well. Neither set of parents ever questioned what the children did when they were with us, trusting that we had been sensible parents and so would be even more careful with our GC. I would never have accepted the restrictions described - the days with very young children are long enough without being tied to the house - and not even one’s own house!

Emma64 I feel very sad for you as you are in a very difficult situation. It looks as if you agree to their demands, which is difficult for you, but does mean you see your gs and get to bond with him, or you put your foot down and risk losing that close contact. If their worry is about you taking him out in the car then perhaps you have to go along with that but, in that case, if they have another car, can they bring him to yours in the morning and collect him? Whatever you do though, don't fall out with them and risk not seeing your gs, that would be terrible for you. I hope you can sort this out.

tickingbird said all that I would say. Very unreasonable!

It sounds very unfair BUT I remember being in a similar quandary as my mil loved having the kids and taking them out but her driving deteriorated quite suddenly and we felt we couldn't let her out them both in the car as the added distraction of kids might make her driving even worse, basically she quickly became unsafe on the road and we had to insist she stopped driving altogether. Even if your driving is ok they may be anxious, and with childcare often very hard to find they may be understandably stressed if they can't rely on you and there's nowhere else they can get help with the children. My mil didn't understand how difficult it was as she had never worked and thought mother's should stay home with children (despite have a daughter who was a medical consultant). Who knows what they are stressing about but worth giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to work something out as difficult for both parties.

If it's 'their child, their rules' then they'd better arrange for one of them to stay home and look after him, permanently! Surely, as grandparents, we have a right to speak up, ESPECIALLY if we are relied upon for child care. Why are the older generation not respected, for their views? That's not about imposing control - it's about the benefit of experience (although, of course, should always be done tactfully). I certainly do not think it is fair - and I think 'fair' is most certainly a word that applies, as well as 'reasonable' 'considerate' 'grateful' and probably a few more. We have raised an entitled generation, I'm afraid - it remains to be seen how they will cope when their children are adult! I hope you can discuss it calmly and come to an arrangement.

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

This obviously won't be resolved until you all sit down together and talk. Whilst it does seem unreasonable for them to act the way they have it does also seem that they don't want you to drive with their child in your car. I wonder if you've had a recent car accident or something that may have made them think this way or if they are just very anxious parents.
I think maybe you should give them a ring and ask them round to discuss what's really going on, won't be easy to remain calm during this but I wish you the best of luck.

Well I can understand that they might worry about your driving (although why should they?) But having to ask if you can take him out for a walk just seems weird. Are they expecting werewolves? When I looked after GS1 from the age of 6 months we just went wherever and did whatever we fancied. It never occurred to me - or DD that we wouldn't. I wasn't as involved with GS2 & 3 but there was never a problem with what I did with them.

Emma64 Go and see your S and DIL. Don't wait for them to instigate the discussion, go and see them. Ask them bluntly why they object to you taking your GS out when he is with you. It may be easy for your S to argue with you in a phone call, not so easy when you're standing in front of him

This is an excellent way to ruin any trust that is in place. These are adults and parents. NOT small children who need to be told what to do. If any of my parents had come to my house to have it out with me like that it would have severely hurt our relationship

I think they are taking advantage of you and treating you with contempt.
I’m afraid you will have to stand up to them.
You are after all, doing them a huge favour by looking after Dgs for such long hours.

Talk about ungrateful.

IMO their behaviour is disgraceful, leave them to it until they have the decency to apologise to you . If & when they do ,lay down some ground rules with regard to what days , times etc you are able to help out.IMO 7am until 5.30 is a big ask ! Best wishes

Of course "fair" should come into it. Surely it would in any relationship, otherwise there would be a complete imbalance of power.

Your son borrowed your car for 18 months. Was there any reason for this - were you or your husband incapacitated or unable to drive during that time? If not, you have already done them a huge favour, limiting your own movements for such a long time. Have they their own car now?

Somebody commented something to the effect that you should be grateful for the honour of looking after your grandson - and, of course, it is lovely to be able to do so BUT at the same time you are doing his parents a favour and shouldn't be treated like an employee.

If you were retired and doing a day a week, it might be seen as a relatively small favour - although even one full day with a young child can be very tiring. However, you are working from Monday to Thursday and your husband rarely has Fridays off. It seems to me perfectly reasonable for you to want to care for your grandson in your own home, where you naturally feel more comfortable and have access to more amenities. It seems totally unreasonable that you are expected to drive to their home and be marooned there for a whole day because you can't take your grandson in the car - and especially mean of them to expect this when they know you are both still working and have limited time together.

By the way, we looked after both our grandchildren for extended periods and our son and his partner NEVER gave us a set of rules by which we should abide. They were both very grateful that we were available and willing to help out.

This idea that parents can dictate on every issue that arises rather than discuss concerns in a respectful way and hopefully come to some sort of compromise, is I think quite wrong. And it is especially annoying to hear that you are, in effect, being pressured to accede to their demands by denying you access to your grandson. I agree with those who say they are ungrateful and entitled.

Are they concerned about Covid ? It’s much easier babysitting at your own house,but at least your house won’t get messed up,very difficult if you work four days to get bits done.Good luck,it’s all worth it to stay close to your grandchild,that’s true love.

NO it's so typical of the trend nowadays to treat paternal grands like dirt! sorry but it is.be very very careful how you proceed as this could escalate so quickly into a incommunicado situation. it happened to us when we had the chutzpah to refuse to have GKs when all of us were very ill.didn't go well and now not seen/heard a squeak for nigh on 5[yes]years........ i'm afraid you may just have to suck it up as they say if you want continued contact with the precious GK...good luck my dear

Greciangirl

I think they are taking advantage of you and treating you with contempt.
I’m afraid you will have to stand up to them.
You are after all, doing them a huge favour by looking after Dgs for such long hours.

Talk about ungrateful.

doing this imperils all contact.they know this and will probably have absolutely NO qualms in using the child as a weapon of mass heartbreak....put simply :they hold all the aces with the little one.!

Eloethan "Of course "fair" should come into it. Surely it would in any relationship, otherwise there would be a complete imbalance of power.

To the raising of children, there is no "fair" in decisions about their health, safety - parental duties. GP keeping house, doing as they see fit on day off there is no "fair" either - they choose how to spend their day.

"Somebody commented something to the effect that you should be grateful for the honour of looking after your grandson - and, of course, it is lovely to be able to do so BUT at the same time you are doing his parents a favour and shouldn't be treated like an employee.

Babysitting is a huge favour, not the other way round.

Babysitting comes with rules regarding food, naps, car rides, screen time - if the rules are unacceptable, don't babysit.

Easy really.

TiggyW

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

control: it's ALL about control. DiLs are a species all to their own and are so predictable in their savage behaviour towards their inlaws.it;s as if they have to conquer and destroy in order to wrench control of the male mate from his loving Mater! frankly? they're SO wrong if they imagine we actually want our sons back!!! well rid in most cases and best in very small doses but you try telling the females that!!

f77ms
indeed! YOUR MUM. see my point? not HIS mum....