Are we being unreasonable?

So are you saying that they expect you to look after the child from 7.30- 4.30 and you're not even allowed to take him out for a walk? That sounds very unreasonable to me.

They accommodate you who is providing the FREE childcare or they go and pay for childcare and call the shots.

Why is it considered childcare to spend a day a week with a grandchild if it is by choice

Is it considered grandparent care to visit an older relative for a day to help out?

VioletSky

Why is it considered childcare to spend a day a week with a grandchild if it is by choice

Is it considered grandparent care to visit an older relative for a day to help out?

Because otherwise the parents would have to pay for childcare

modern day generation - Me, Me,! Me. No consideration of other people's needs. It sounds as though there is no concept that you have needs too?

On the face of things it sounds unfair, but Monica is right you know. If you start by talking about fairness, the discussion is likely to end in a full-blown row with estrangement as the outcome.

You are entitled to ask why your son and daughter-in-law are making these stipulations.

Not knowing anything about your or their family background, it sounds rather far-out, but obviously, if your one or other of the child's parents are working in a classified job security has to be as you describe it.

Likewise, if your DIL has been sexually abused as a child, she will be paranoid. I am not saying she has been or is paranoid, but I have seen mothers react in this way if there was some horror in their own past.

I had at least three school-mates whose parents were survivors from Treblinka and Auswitch - these mothers were literally scared to let their children out of their sight. One poor woman sat for hours in her car outside the school gates.
Help in the 1950s consisted of telling these poor people "just to forget all about the death camps and get on with living"

Before starting a discussion that might go off the rails, please stop to think.
Are you and your husband still safe drivers?
Can you run fast enough still to catch up with a child that age?
Will his parents let you use reins?
Do you always hear what the child says?

If the answer to any of these questions is not honestly Yes, then I begin to understand your son and daughter-in-law a bit better.

The parents here are making other arrangements

I see grandparents pick up from school quite often, some of them come in to read with the children too, never heard it referred to as babysitting.

If this is a "favour" of some sort then that makes it sound like something is "owed"

I didn't think that way how a family was supposed to operate.

I'd just have my grandchildren because it would be amazing to have that special quality time, no other reason

grandetante that's a good point

These parents have made a decision for their child, not just as one parent but as a unit. As they should.

Emma64 no the situation you find yourself in is not fair at all; it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your grandson to insist he doesn't leave the house all day.

However I would recommend you wait for your son to contact you regarding any future childcare requests. I think they need time to realise for themselves what a support you were to them.
It'll also give you time to consider if you're able to help them again.

To Violetsky and anyone else who thinks looking after grandchildren while parents work is some kind of privilege, not childcare - it's not considered that by all of us. I had 5 children and have 7 grandchildren and have looked after all for short periods occasionally to help out. However, it's hard work.

If I want to spend time with grandchildren, I really prefer to do it when parents are around.

Farmore

Yes but that is a choice, one you are entitled to make.

Taking the grandchildren one day a week is also a choice.

If I agree to do something, and I'm not saying I will because I work and have my own life, I agree to do so by the parents rules or I choose to say no.

But I never ever hold it over them that I am doing them a favour or ct like I am their only option and important or special enough to overule their feelings

Violetsky said: "I'd just have my grandchildren because it would be amazing to have that special quality time, no other reason"

That might be nice if it's 1 child 5+ years - you could probably enjoy the time together, but if you're minding 2 - a very active crawling 8 month old and 3 year old with short attention span, it's more like damage limitation than quality time and exhausting for a 70 year old.

V3ra

Emma64 no the situation you find yourself in is not fair at all; it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your grandson to insist he doesn't leave the house all day.

However I would recommend you wait for your son to contact you regarding any future childcare requests. I think they need time to realise for themselves what a support you were to them.
It'll also give you time to consider if you're able to help them again.

Or they might find they like their alternative better.?

No telling which way it’ll go.

Then you say no Farmor.

And if it is exhausting for a 70 year old perhaps that's why the parents want it to be in a safe secure environment and not out and about in the car

I don’t understand all the people who are looking after their grandchildren and seem to be resenting it and saying what hard work it is.

I just wouldn’t do it if I was resentful and worn out. Why do people feel under that obligation? I suppose I’m pretty tough with my children. I expect them to sort out their own responsibilities ?

These things work both ways

Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.

Grandparents don't owe their children childcare. Grandparents have done their child raising years. Grandparents deserve their rest and retirement or my have health issues etc.

I would not agree to it unless it was to spend quality time with the grandchild amd I was happy with the parents rules

They are calling all the shots on this - their child, their rules - but you hold all the cards. Your son can't keep taking every friday off and keep his job, so they either need your (willing) help or they need paid childcare, where they will NOT be able to make unreasonable conditions and they will pay properly for the service.
I do agree with Monica, early on, that this may all be a miscommunication somewhere & if you go to the discussion with you hurt feelings tamped well down, there may well be a good outcome.
But a poster said early on, "life isn't fair". Neither do the people who hold all the cards in life have to bow & scrape to others' rules- that's life too.
As for "who bought the child seat?" Unbelievable! whoever bought it, it was no use without a car and you bought the car - a rather bigger purchase.
The fact that you love your grandson and want a relationship with him, seems to equate in some people's minds to you using you unique, valuable, own life to be a slave to your grandson's parents

M0nica

Fairness doesn't really come into it. I would go so far as to say that it is utterly irrelevant.

It is a question of you and your family talking the matter through, in a reasonable manner, your son and partner explaining to you quietly and unemotively why they have made the decisions they have made and then you explaining to them quietly and unemotively how you feel about the decision and how you see it and then you all agreeing a way forward that is satisfactory for all of you. Remembering always that the final decision lies with the parents.

But this needs understanding and co-operation on both side. Is this possible?

This is a thoughtful and compassionate response.

I don’t think Emma is in any way resentful. Whatever posted seems to get altered. Grandparents love having their little ones, poster was just saying it would be nice to get out of the house or have the child at theirs, I can’t understand why not.

Not Emma no. But quite a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

Honestly if it can’t be done amicably and with support for each other it shouldn’t be done at all. No child should find themselves in middle of an adult tussle.

Gabrielle56

f77ms
indeed! YOUR MUM. see my point? not HIS mum....

Um...HIS mum, HER Mum ...either the person is trusted or they are not, whoever's mum they are!

Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.

There is no requirement to officially register as a childminder to look after a relative's child, whether you're paid or not.

It might be reassuring to all parties to take a paediatric first aid course though.

Surely its up to the Son/Husband to ensure that time is fairly spent?

No Need to spread DIL hate Gabrielle56. I'm sure you'd dislike it if someone said all MILs want to control everything.

V3ra

^Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.^

There is no requirement to officially register as a childminder to look after a relative's child, whether you're paid or not.

It might be reassuring to all parties to take a paediatric first aid course though.

Well that is good news! Do tax credits still help with costs in that case?

Free childcare is not that free