Feeing left out

How does a mum having a small babysitting circle mean she is getting her own way?

It's what is best for her and baby at just 12 weeks.

This isn't pass the parcel

I understand it must be difficult to be the maternal grandmother but if the baby is going to be viewed as the prize in a competition rather than a very young, individual child with their own needs... then it's just not a great start to life is it

I have 3 sons

I also absolutely love babies

But all I want for my children is to be happy and confident and if future DILs need their own mums at an exhausting and vulnerable time in their lives...

Good! That's what is best for them and baby and that makes me happy

Your daughterinlaw is probably exhausted and overwhelmed by her first baby and naturally wants the security and comfort of her Mum,,, just relax and stand back... if she's a nice person she will include you when she is ready. It's very early days and very easy to set up long lasting conflicts by having jealousy issues. I would tread very carefully....

You will be a great mil, vs

I agree Lucca. It's such a shame when the paternal GP's miss out and it has nothing to do with viewing a child as a competition prize, or the suggestion that for those GP's it's a game of pass the parcel.

It's about appreciating the fact that both sets of GP's want to be able to see their GC, and the mother needing the support of her own mother shouldn't, result in the exclusion of the other GP's.

The son's, the father's of these children need to step up.

Is it excluding or it was not the plan to be involved at that level?
It is a matter of perception from either side

Example- you get a verbal invitation to a party, telling you to keep an eye in the mail but you never receive the formal one w/o an explanation -excluded

You are waiting for the invite but it never arrives and the host hasn't even mentioned anything to you or the party - you were not in the guest list at all, not excluded

I agree with your comments Norah and Lucca

I’m the paternal Gran and the maternal grandparents live 100 miles away so it isn’t an issue here. I am thankful that DIL is grateful we are close by for support and any help. We have always met up for a coffee etc and attended events together not just spent time with GC.

In your position OP I would say that you were available if they needed any help. Perhaps invite them all round for a family meal on a Sunday or a day to suit. Just hang in there. Just because things are like this now doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Things can and do change over the years. I have several friends with GC and both sets of grandparents help with looking after GC.

It’s early days and you all just need to give it time.

I have 3 DiLs and one SiL.
It's different for all of them
First DGC was far away but I still felt envious of her parents who were very close. I mentioned this once to the other DG and she said "we only have them when they are ill"
While the DGC were at nursery, they often seemed to be poorly.
NextDS is the other side of the world so they've had no DGP and I have only spent a few weeks with him in his life. He's 10.
Next DiL once asked me to look after DGD for a few hours once. We always offered but they said no yet they pay babysitters so I could really develop paranoia
My DD lives 2 hours away so a bit far. I see them quite often and so does the other gran.
Their house is geared for children and there are 2 of them which makes a difference.
I hope you soon get to spend some time getting to know the baby.
It's an exciting time

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

What a ridiculous post. She isn't selfish she's living her life with the relationships she wants.
She married 1 man and did not get lumped with his families relationships.

The delivery room is a place where only the woman matters. Her wishes her what's and her decisions. Everyone else can literally take a running jump. How wonderful that some women have extended support to get them through something so difficult

Well it's hardly in the same vein is not being invited to a party and I just don't understand when it comes to baby sitting for example, why one set of GP's are asked fairly regularly while the other set isn't asked at all.

That has nothing to do with the mother needing support from her mother, it's needing a baby sitter.

Smileless2012

I agree Lucca. It's such a shame when the paternal GP's miss out and it has nothing to do with viewing a child as a competition prize, or the suggestion that for those GP's it's a game of pass the parcel.

It's about appreciating the fact that both sets of GP's want to be able to see their GC, and the mother needing the support of her own mother shouldn't, result in the exclusion of the other GP's.

The son's, the father's of these children need to step up.

Step up? He is in no way obligated to do anything. He very well may be happy that his wife and child have a wonderful network of support as it is.

Smileless2012

Well it's hardly in the same vein is not being invited to a party and I just don't understand when it comes to baby sitting for example, why one set of GP's are asked fairly regularly while the other set isn't asked at all.

That has nothing to do with the mother needing support from her mother, it's needing a baby sitter.

Because they are people. Individuals..
So one can very much be better than the other. And I would never leave my child with sub par care when there are better options available

But isn't just her life is it Bibbity it's her's, her husband's and her child's and for her husband and her child that includes his parents, their child's other GP's.

Lucca didn't say she was selfish.

Smileless2012

But isn't just her life is it Bibbity it's her's, her husband's and her child's and for her husband and her child that includes his parents, their child's other GP's.

Lucca didn't say she was selfish.

No it's hers and as her baby right now only cares about her that's all that matters.

Her husband can do as he wishes. Whi h by the looks of things is what is happening.

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

Smileless2012

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

If the DIL is favouring her mother it is because that is where be trust and comfort is. That is what's important. She is leaving her child so she can do something. She can't do that if she is stressed or worried.

No, the baby isn't her's Bibbity the baby has two parents. She is not a single parent family.

Mentioning trust and comfort is certainly preferable to referring too sub par care.

Smileless2012

No, the baby isn't her's Bibbity the baby has two parents. She is not a single parent family.

It left her body it's a damn site more hers than a grenadparents.
And as the woman he chose to make a baby with I'd say he's more than happy with how she wants to do things. It's not her job to consider the paternal family. She is doing a wonderful job at forging the relationship between her family.

Smileless2012

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

I was going to say that too, Smileless. It seems a very cruel and unnecessary comment. Please don't take it to heart, Kavvy68.

I agree that the baby is very little to be left with a babysitter, but I completely understand your feelings, as do others on here, so don't let unkind comments upset you.

The GPs having children does not come with the implicit agreement that their children's offspring will be involved with the gp in a manner satisfactory with the gp.

As parents, we give life without contracts.

I don't see how talking to your son will help, I think it will just make an awkward atmosphere. Especially as babysitting hasn't been accepted.

I agree with lunch. I didn't like going out for long when my baby was that age as he wouldn't settle, then he'd get overtired, plus you pack like you're going on a 2 week camping trip.

Maybe a light lunch? Invite them all, get DILs favourite bits in. Enjoy all their company. You don't say what your relationship is like with her?

Most good men will support their wives with what they feel comfortable and happy with when it comes to a newborn/baby/postpartum so don't take it personal. He's just being a good husband so take that as you did a good job!

Hithere

No, it doesnt make the mother of the child "selfish" - the baby is not communal property

The son of the OP - again an innocent and passive bystander in this post (sarcasm on)

no I don't suppose I meant selfish in the traditional sense but I'm too tired myself to think of what word I do mean...dloing what works for you because it is just what works and you have no energy for anything else

It left her body it's s damn site more her's than her grandparents but not a damn site more her's than the father's for if not for him, there would be no baby.

I hope unkind comments don't upset you Kavvy. So easy for some to judge when they've never experienced this and have no idea just how heartbreaking it can be.

Doodledog yes, cruel and unnecessary.

Smileless2012

^It left her body it's s damn site more her's than her grandparents^ but not a damn site more her's than the father's for if not for him, there would be no baby.

I hope unkind comments don't upset you Kavvy. So easy for some to judge when they've never experienced this and have no idea just how heartbreaking it can be.

Doodledog yes, cruel and unnecessary.

I have experienced it actually. And it's absolute hell everyone stomping their feet to get a piece of the baby you just birthed.

If you want any decent realtionshop with grandchild do not ever damage a mother's post partum time.

We are paternal grandparents and it the beginning it was just as you described. Now the DGC are bigger my DS and DIL make sure we see them equally despite my DiL’s parents are separated so there are three of us to keep happy.

Just hang in there and be supportive. Things change.