Feeing left out

I don't remember having (or expecting) anyone to babysit when I had my babies. Both sets of parents were some distance away and although both sets came to visit, and we visited them, none of them seemed that anxious to look after the little sprog! When they were older I joined a babysitting circle with other young mothers.

It's far better for a baby that young to have 1 babysitter instead of several.

Some families have 2,3 or 4 sets of grandparents, imagine the stress.

Being fair to everyone

Making sure everyone had the right equipment to take care of a newborn

Making sure every set followed the same routine

Even with 2 sets of grandparents that would be stressful.

Some mums don't even choose a parent they choose a sister or a close friend to be the primary babysitter at such a young age.

It's the parents decision, and they may have made this decision together.

just look at the anger on this post at any suggestion that mum and dad might be making the right choice to have just 1 babysitter at this age,

Now imagine the fallout you could create within a family that isn't yours by sharing the advice that mum is in the wrong here

If you want any decent realtionshop with grandchild do not ever damage a mother's post partum time.

This a million times over.

We don’t really have a lot of information and there could be all kinds of circumstances that make the difference, like distance.

If the DILs mum is not at work and can be dropped in on any time, then that’s very different to the OP who is only available on one specific day a week. Having a planned visit that you have got to get up and get ready for and get out to can be really stressful. At twelve weeks some days I was lucky if I got a shower let alone managed a visit😬

Also the OP says it feels like the other granny babysits lots but if she’s available most days it will be her they ask to babysit. I can’t really think they’re out lots of evenings. The babysitting could be so that the mum can go to the dentist or the hairdresser or maybe just meet up with a girlfriend for a chat during the day.

The OPs at work so she can’t be asked to that. So when they wanted an overnight sitter it would be natural to ask the person who’s been able to have the baby before.

I think the OP hasn’t taken into account that she’s really asking the the new mum and dad to fit in with her and be available when she is too.

I meant having experienced it from Kavvy's perspective Bibbity.

I haven't seen any anger at the thought that the parents have made this decision together VS just concern that that may not be the case. I did suggest that by talking to her son she may feel happier if she knows it is a joint decision.

A far better approach to the thread IMO than references to below par care, and a child being regarded as a prize in a competition or the subject of pass the parcel.

Smileless2012

I meant having experienced it from Kavvy's perspective Bibbity.

I haven't seen any anger at the thought that the parents have made this decision together VS just concern that that may not be the case. I did suggest that by talking to her son she may feel happier if she knows it is a joint decision.

A far better approach to the thread IMO than references to below par care, and a child being regarded as a prize in a competition or the subject of pass the parcel.

The OPs perspective doesn't really matter here.
The one who is going through post partum does. The one who's baby this is.
And with regards to the son, 2 mins on MN or any mothers discussion page wi tell you about what is thought of men who don't back their post partum wives. Right now she is more Importnant. The baby is 12 weeks. Not 12 years.

OK Smileless

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

Yes, I agree with you.

Of course the OP's perspective matters. She's one of the GM's. The child is her son's child for goodness sake.

Well done Bibbity, your post is a brilliant summary of what is sadly happening in too many families today.

Of course her perspective matters in these posts. It’s her thread, after all. 🙂

We all know what a horrid feeling being left out is.

I still think, though, that the root of it is that she’s at work and only has one day free, so inevitably she won’t be as included as someone who has more free time. And they won’t always be able to accommodate her free day for a visit.
Maybe her free day clashes with something else the DIL wants to do -a new mums get together.

We don’t know enough to make judgements really.

Smileless2012

Of course the OP's perspective matters. She's one of the GM's. The child is her son's child for goodness sake.

Well done Bibbity, your post is a brilliant summary of what is sadly happening in too many families today.

Actually this thread is a brilliant summerary of why estrangement is on the rise.
But let's not think logically. The estrangement board has been quite for a while.

Kavvy68 I am the paternal nan and I know the maternal nana will see baby more but it feels like she asked to baby sit a lot and my daughter in law takes baby to see her every week I have one day off a week and they have never been round or have been asked to come and see baby also me and my husband have offered numerous times to baby sit I saw a post on Facebook last night that the other nana had my granddaughter over night

-What are the distances involved? (Son to you, son to pil)?

-How do you know dil does on her own, without your son, weekly with her mum? Did she see her mum weekly prior to the baby?

-Is this information from FB aka the devil?

-Why does it "feel" dil is asking mum to babysit? Fact or just a "feel"?

-Is your day off the same as Son's day off, so they can come round?

-The overnight babysitting - I have no idea how or why that could possibly happen with a 12 mo old baby, something is odd there.

-Was a medical emergency or funeral involved? (serious reason)

-Again, early days, this will level out given time.

There's no rush with GC - baby is here to stay.

Lathyrus

Of course her perspective matters in these posts. It’s her thread, after all. 🙂

We all know what a horrid feeling being left out is.

I still think, though, that the root of it is that she’s at work and only has one day free, so inevitably she won’t be as included as someone who has more free time. And they won’t always be able to accommodate her free day for a visit.
Maybe her free day clashes with something else the DIL wants to do -a new mums get together.

We don’t know enough to make judgements really.

This, all of this.

We have no needed information.

I meant that I have No idea why a 12 week old baby would require a babysitter overnight. Obviously I typed 12 months wrong.

I don’t feel that way at all! I loved it when my three were little, it’s their turn to get on with parenting their own children and they certainly don’t owe me time with my grandchildren, cuddles, or opportunities to babysit, change babies’ nappies or take them out.

Newest grandchild is 8 weeks old, DD and her fiancé live two hours away from me but five minutes from his parents and siblings, who see them several times a week, and babysit when needed. I’ve seen the baby twice.

Their toddler spent one day a week with me before DD went on maternity leave again, maybe when she goes back to work next year she’ll want to leave them both with me. That’s fine, and it’s equally fine if she doesn’t. I love them, but I’m not possessive about them at all.

Other DD is a divorced professional with one primary aged child. They live a few villages away and DGC comes here for the odd day or sleepover during school holidays or if both parents have commitments. The other grandparents choose not to be involved. That is something I don’t understand.

DS lives abroad with his wife and toddler, Covid has meant not being able to meet DGC. But it won’t be forever.

Thank goodness for smartphones, instant sending of photos, and precious video calls! It would be harder waiting for the postman to bring news and pictures.

Yes Bibbity that's why I said your post @ 17.42 was such a brilliant summary. It summarises so well why estrangement is on the rise.

Don't know what you mean by the estrangement thread has been quite for a while. The estrangement forum is going strong as is the support thread in case you meant 'has been quiet for a while.

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

What don't you get Lucca?
I was there when GD 1 and DD 2 were born....my DD wanted me there.....I wasn't there when GD3 was born ....my sons exS DM was with her....then i met new baby that evening ......I spend a lot more time with my DDs girls .....because my DD is a real homebody......even before the girls arrived....I see GD3 twice a week....she sees her other Granny every day ....it doesn't mean I'm any less of a Granny .....or any more of one with the other 2 🤷‍♀️

You might get it a bit more if you'd gone through my DiL's experience with number 2 baby Lucca. Baby was oxygen deprived at birth, all seemed well for a day, I was up there with Ex, we went in to see her and she was in a total panic as baby had been taken away to be cared for and she had been told virtually nothing and not allowed to see baby. I hugged her but she was overwhelmed with anxiety. I did insist on seeing baby who was peaceful in oxygen tank and reported back, but all DiL wanted was mum, mum embraced her and she needed to cry her heart out.

I guess L the baby who is now very disabled at age 8 changed the dynamics as DiL had previously been totally in control text book coping capable mum (which I wasn't!)

DS was totally in pieces at home, he too wanted DiL's mum and dad to take over for a bit.

We have to accept things that come along ...

This thread is off the rails. Why? Because people have silly expectations of what's owed to them by the spouse of their child. This is on the son.

Mum's understand (most have has babies) - their daughter has just been through hell, it takes a while to recover and get back on track.

Hopefully son understands too.

Do mil expect to go to their sil surgical procedures? Or does mil cut him some slack after a major medical event?

Bippity, some valid points, but too acerbic.

OP, wait, I bet you get a turn soon.

I feel for the OP so much. A new grandchild, whether it’s son or daughter is such a precious special thing and I’m afraid I think both grannies should get equal time and the same opportunity to bond with their previous new grandchild

I don't think you should speak to your son about your feelings as it might cause discussion/arguments between him and his wife.
As others have said it's early days and upsetting for you as it is you have to suck it up and not show these feelings. Offer to help son and DIL with meals etc anything you can think of rather than just asking to see new grandchild. Show support and be there for all three of them. Difficult I know but may well be a good way forward.

This happens with so many paternal grandparents - it did to me. The biggest hurt was the other grandma constantly posting on facebook the lovely time she had with the little one. I really felt she was rubbing our nose in it. I never Liked or commented and in time just thought "oh get on with it".

Congratulations on your grandchild, Kaavy.

I fully understand why you feel left out and hurt, but unfortunately this is apparently the way young mothers behave these days.

I find it rude and thoughtless and that they have only themselves to blame if their relationship with their MIL suffers irreparable damage.

That said, my advice to you is: grin and bear it.

DO NOT discuss this with your son behind his wife's back! If your son is any good at all as a husband, which I assume he is, he will only have one option and that is to tear a strip off you.

You have offered to baby-sit and right now your offer hasn't been taken up. Step back and wait a while.

I know it is hard, but by expressing your hurt to either your son or your daughter-in-law right now, you run a very real risk of starting a family feud, so complain all you want to us, but tread carefully with the new parents.

Nearer Christmas you have the perfect opportunity to ask whether they will be staying at home all the time, or whether they would consider coming to you for a short visit on Boxing Day or the day after?

But make it clear you are not inviting a whole host of guests, only the three of them. All new parents are scared of germs and so on if they are even willing to take Baby out.

I understand how you must be feeling, I would be the same if any ‘future’ grandchildren come along, especially if you live locally to your grandchild. I’m sure in time you will, be patient.
My son immigrated to Canada so when I ever become a grandma, there will not be alot of opportunity to see. my sons in-laws live locally to them, of course my opportunity will come when they visit England or I go to Canada. There is video calling so I would always keep up to date. I’m already prepared for a day when they tell me when expecting a little un, knowing full well the other ‘grandparents’ will have all the involvement. Good luck

I know that my GC see their other granny more than us, they go there regularly for lunch at the weekend but I just regards this as normal. We live a little closer now but used to live more than two hours away and my lovely DIL has always made a point of inviting us or coming to see us every few weeks.
I'm always on hand if they need babysitting, we looked after the girls for almost a week when their parents went on holiday and DIL's mum was working.
Your DIL is bound to be closer to her mother than to you, it's just how things are if they have a good bond. No point resenting it.