Feeing left out

Everybody’s getting very het up, based on their own feelings and experiences.

But, as the OP says herself, she’s only got one day a week when she doesn’t work.

So her contact is always going to be fairly limited, isn’t it? And those are her limits, not imposed upon her by anyone else.

twiglet77

To the grannies who feel they should be more involved with handling the baby, I wonder how it played out with their own parents and in-laws when they were new first-time mothers? Are they looking for a repetition of that, or something quite different?

Indeed.

And who doesn't want to visit their child, the one they birthed?

Why is there no mention of missing the son, actual grown human one can converse with? People who want to see babies, what about seeing sons?

I love our grown daughters, their children and GC aren't fill-ins.

Twelve (tiny) weeks! Give yourself a hug and take the long view. And respect their decisions without taking them personally.

Families can bring pleasure but also great pain.

Well I have 2 x Grandchildren from my daughter and I have been heavily involved with both of them 1 is 23 1 is 9 years of age they adore spending time with me and we have had the bond from them being babies. If you do not bond with them while they are young they will never be close to you. I would have a word with your Son ask him to fetch baby over, if you want baby overnight ask them for it . While you sit waiting that baby is growing up you will be missing out
I have already had a word with my son re babies and told him I want to be a huge part of all my Grandchildren s life .... They are so special, not like your own children you can hand them back lol

Unfortunately being the paternal gran is often rough and, unless your DIL is very thoughtful, you just have to accept that’s the way it is.

Totally agree with Lucca on this. I didn’t want my mother with me in the delivery room or around all the time when I had children. It is the father’s child too and paternal grans shouldn’t be shoved aside like they often are.

I totally understand how you feel. I had the same situation only in reverse and we only live a half mile away. In relationships often the decisions are made by the more dominant person. In my case my son in law. They are always together with his family. But, the times we got to have with the grandboys were time given just to them. Sweet wonderful moments just for the boys, baking, playing games, reading stories etc. Now they're grown and I send messages regularly to encourage and bless their days. Each of them very much love us and will stop by without notice to visit. My advise- enjoy the moments and make the best of each time. The babies are smart and will grow to love you too. I really do understand. Keep encouraged- it'll be OK!!

Don’t feel left out. Continue to be caring and loving. Girls want their Mums. It’s natural. If you appear jealous it could affect your relationship with your daughter in law.
Believe me your turn will come.

There is another ongoing thread on here criticizing women who do not visit their mothers or other relatives enough. On this thread is a woman who regularly visits her mother and somehow she is in the wrong too.
Seems like women can't do right for doing wrong.

your son has a lot on his plate now. Do you really want to add another issue for him to deal with. Don't put him in the middle or make him choose.

If she (mum) has any sense she will soon be seeing you and you will be spending time with bubba ❤️
I don’t know why these new mums don’t share care with their nearest and dearest - it’s all or nothing sometimes - speak to your DS and much love and congratulations to you all xxx

Well I was present at the birth of both of my grandchildren at the request of my daughter. Son in law was there too but I was more actively involved. Not really by choice but was helpful anyway. The other grandparent doesn’t see our little ones much, even though she lives close by. She spends all of her time with her daughter’s children and refers to them as her grandchildren, I’m not sure she thinks of these ones as hers! She actually said to me that she’s the third parent to the others and I am to “mine”. It’s not always as straightforward as paternal/maternal being favoured. I had no support with mine until they were older because we lived away. But both of mine loved both sets of grandparents equally. I always used to wonder how on earth they seemed to know from birth who their family were, even though we saw them regularly. They were always comfortable in their presence when not always so in the presence of others. I’d say just let things work out naturally, I also think most women would prefer their own mum to look after such a tiny baby, sorry if that sounds unkind. I didn’t though! My MIL was simply perfection.

Nanafireworks

That is not sense, that is wishful thinking under the GP's pov

If you only have one day a week off perhaps they don't want to impose. Give them time, just mention your offer to babysit now and again but don't harangue them.

When my GC were born I was over the moon as I have two sons and to have two GD was wonderful for me. And I am very lucky in that my DIL and DS were very generous in allowing me to indulge with presents, clothes and mainly time. Now that they are both teenagers I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, and even watched "Strictly" with them a couple of weeks ago. ( I never watch it). I know it has all been the instigation of my youngest son who is a very kind and caring person. My eldest son and his DW do not have children and will never have them now. But - I know that if they had I would definitely be at the back of the queue for visits, over night stays etc and that DIL is all for her family. I would be surprised if it crosses her mind to come over for a cup of tea, whilst seeing her Mum every day. But, I am used to it now and continue to enjoy my GD. On a final note I have so many friends with sons who have children who are often left out of their GCs life. Very few visits, no overnight stays and dare I say it Jealous DIL/MIL syndrome.

Many Grans of DS’s children will recognise the feelings you have. Since DS moved to Scotland from London I can count in years the gaps between seeing both him and them. I moved to Norfolk but it made little difference. What really hurts is that he makes the journey back to London to see his father quite often. My daughter also lives in Norfolk and DGD has a w/e sleepover almost every week and we see twin DGSs on the pick up or drop off. I’m afraid it just seems to be the way of things that girls gravitate towards their mothers - it isn’t necessarily anything personal.

I totally understand my only grandchild I never get anywhere like equal time he is 10 it hurts but it best just to accept to keep the peace! It will become easier over time. Smile and be gracious it will help a lot.

I feel for you and understand your hurt feelings. Be patient and I would have a quiet word with your son and explain your hurt feelings. I’ve been there but turned out alright and satisfying in the end, Good Luck.

Congratulations on becoming a nan, Kavvy68. How wonderful. I can sympathise with your feelings, especially when you see photos on social media. In my experience, things settle down in time. Emotions are very high at the moment, but it will even out. It sounds as if you live quite near, which is a bonus. Keep offering to help, as you are. Bring round food and invite them back for a meal, offer to do some shopping, things like that. They are sure to be exhausted. Things will balance out in time. Do show concern for the new mum and dad and how they are both coping. Make yourself a lovely photo album of your new granddaughter to show off to your friends, and keep busy. 💐

Try to be more stoical and let them get on with their lives and soon enough, you will be required to do some baby sitting etc, then you will come into your own, and tell them that you cannot babysit for them, even when an emergency situation arises, and they will soon realise the mistake they have made in the first place.

Go to it Gran and let them see the error of their ways.

usuallyright

Try to be more stoical and let them get on with their lives and soon enough, you will be required to do some baby sitting etc, then you will come into your own, and tell them that you cannot babysit for them, even when an emergency situation arises, and they will soon realise the mistake they have made in the first place.

Go to it Gran and let them see the error of their ways.

What great advice.....
Because there is no way in any universe that this could backfire and OP end up isolated and cut off.

Oh my goodness

Please don't give advice that may destroy a young family just finding their feet

this thread is in the daily email thing, hence the posts above

I can understand your feelings. Maybe the way forward is for you to take control a little. On your days off why not pop round with a bunch of flowers, or chocolates , doughnuts, nothing expensive, just a little treat for a new mum.

Have a cuppa, and if baby is awake don't pick her up, but ask if you can give her a cuddle, but then leave so don't outstay your welcome. As you say goodbye, ask her if it's ok for you to pop round next week, if you have some, take some baby photos of your son with you.

But keep the visits short then after a few weeks perhaps you meet up with her mum and you for a coffee in town.

It's normal that daughters will automatically reach out to their own mums , just don't push too hard, make visits a regular so that they become a habit, when baby is a little older your DIL may like to visit the shops with her own mum while you babysit just don't push too hard

It does seem rather strange that in twelve weeks they haven’t visited or invited you over OP, have you see the baby?
It is very early days for the baby to be left overnight with anyone so I would completely stop asking to baby sit and work on just seeing your GD regularly and start building from there.
You don’t mention whether you had a close relationship with your DIL before the baby as I think that will make a difference now, it is only natural that she will gravitate to her own mum.
Why not change tack a bit and just message saying you hope all is going well, thinking of you all, would love some photos of baby. Try to keep it a bit more casual and caring rather than sounding demanding.
Maybe buy some baby bits and a nice outfit and suggest they pop in sometime soon or ask if you could you arrange a time to pop over there as you’d love for them to have them, keep it friendly and chatty.
I do hope you manage to sort this out, perhaps you could add any relevant comments on to your thread, then those trying to help will have the bigger picture