Feeing left out

I was very lucky, neither daughter in law had a living/capable mother, there was just me - no grandads either. I did all the babysitting as all parents worked full time, collect from school, take to appointments, sleepovers, etc. Nine years with first grandchild and now nine years, again, with second grandchild. It is a double edged sword, wonderful to be such a big part of my grandchildren's lives, but hardly any of my own sociable life. You just have to take it as it comes.

I often wonder how the other GM feels Hattiehelgra. It would bother me if I thought the other GP's were missing out.

There's no reason why Kavvy shouldn't talk to her son about this grandtante. As has been pointed out, the child is her son's too so it's perfectly reasonable for her to discuss this with him. It wouldn't have to entail talking about her d.i.l. behind her back.

I wouldn't let her know how needy you feel. Some people thrive on pushing people away especially if they appear to need the closeness.
Leave them alone it's up to your son to pick up on what she is doing and he will. Then the call for grans help will come, but again don't be too quick to give it.
Let her see you have a life of your own.

It's never going to be equal, though is it? Because DIL is an adult, a grown woman with her own relationships especially with her own mom.

All that's posted time and time again is wanting the baby. Not once has OP mentioned the relationship with her DIL.

The maternal nan will also want to see and spend time with her daughter. If they have a close bond that will carry on after the baby is born.

If she saw her mom twice a week is she not allowed to now because it's one more visit than the paternal nan gets?

I sympathise with you completely, although my situation is slightly different, I am the maternal granny and live 150 miles away, the paternal nanna is on the doorstep.

A friend said to me, he had a doorstep nan and a distance granny. Doorstep nan was involved in his upbringing which included discipline. He always looked forward to seeing his distance granny as she was special, had treats and never told him off!

My grandchildren are older now, 16 and 12, rarely seeing doorstep nan, and even then only for an hour at a time a few days a month, as they have busy lives themselves, however I get to see them for a good few days, when I go to stay or they come to stay with my other daughter & SiL (their much loved auntie and uncle) who live a couple of miles from me. Set up a family WhatsApp group to exchange videos and photos plus a WhatsApp with just your daughter so you can both check-in regularly, even it's a one-liner.

On another note, I have always been asked by youngest daughter to help with their dog if they are stuck at work etc, now my SiL’s parents are buying a house just 4 doors down from them and I just know they will be called upon for dog care!! 😳

I totally understand how you feel. My kids are on a vacation and maternal grandma and sister have been staying with our 15 month old for the duration. Grandpa and I are "allowed" to come over. At first, I saw it as lack of trust from DIL. I told myself I'm a Mom, I know how to take care of a child. How is my grandson going to get to know me? I was not very happy. The long and short is now I spend two afternoons a week with him and they get the "joy" of changing diapers, etc. And - he won't remember this time. Now when he's more aware ....

Dear Kavvy68, it’s an upsetting time for you, and there are many points of view and some helpful comments on this thread. In our case, it is our son in law’s mother who does most baby-sitting although living much further away from the young family than we do.

I am the stepmother of wonderful adult children, and sadly their mother died when they were young teenagers, I met their father a year later and we married, I have a warm relationship with all three children.

The only person who has ever been unpleasant to me from the extended family, has been the mother of my youngest son in law. She is determined to be the ‘premier’ granny (!) and has been quite toxic and utterly insistent in her wish to always babysit for my (step) daughters three children. My step-d and SiL give in, because they have recognised her manipulative ways. She can also be very kind and generous. She has ‘bad-mouthed’ me to our grand children on several occasions, in a passive aggressive way. I’ve shed many tears but I just keep going and babysit on the times she can’t!

You will have many wonderful times with your grandchild, and my advice is to stay calm, and don’t get upset by other people’s behaviour. Don’t fall out with anyone, ignore any slights, real or imagined, and lovely times with your grandchild will come. 🌷

Poppy blue
Spot on

Kavvy hasn't posted time and time again about only wanting the baby PoppyBlue. She's only posted once with her OP, and where has anyone suggested that her d.i.l. is not allowed to visit her mum as often as she did before the baby was born?

It’s difficult Kavvy68, but there’s some really good advice on here. I hope it helps.
I always turned to my MiL, simply because my Mum lived 80 miles away. Besides, she still had two school age children and couldn’t just up and leave them. Did she feel offended? Yes she did-even though she knew the reasons.
Eventually, we would drive over and let her babysit whilst we went out, then camp overnight in the living room and drive back. I understand you feel hurt and I hope you manage to sort something out, but I never left mine overnight till they were 3 years old, so there’s time.

I feel your pain

Having four sons (two of whom have children) I know just how you feel. If you have a good relationship with your son you could mention it. However, there are few creatures in our culture who have more emotional power over their circle than a new mum! Yes, your daughter in law wants her mum, yes we are 'primeval' creatures, but we are also intelligent and hopefully considerate human beings. I do hope you soon get your turn. And for those people on here who say a baby is not a commodity, of COURSE it is not, but grandparents longing to be involved should not be labelled as selfish. If we're going to be totally unemotional, the baby does not belong to its parents, either. It's their responsibility to do what's best for baby which, arguably involves a relationship with all caring grandparents. I hope this evolves in time. For my part, my son who was married to the more cold, controlling woman is now divorcing her (for those reasons!) and I'm seeing loads more of his children, with the relationship improving as a result. Ok, not a desired outcome, but the point is...things change.

There's post after post about how Paternal nan doesn't see the baby as much as Maternal nan and that's because the daughter is closer to her own mom, not all the time granted but most of the time. If the relationship between DIL and MIL is poor or not close or whatever else before baby is born, its not going to magically get better just because she's had a baby.

So choosing to spend time with her mom when she's postpartum and her husband is back at work is completely normal for some new moms. Maybe she's struggling?

There's posts about it being 'equal' but it will never be equal, if DIL sees her mom twice, has she then got to see her MIL twice a week to balance it out?

I agree with others that it’s early days and maybe you’ll see the baby more when things settle down. In the meantime, can you not be more proactive and maybe suggest that you pop in for a visit on your day off. That would be a start, and you can take things from there. I do think that you’ll have to accept that DIL’s parents will see the baby more - that’s just the way it is.

Be careful what you wish for. My DD's MiL was something of a matriach who rather took over the childminding for her four granchildren from two sons, with the help of a nanny. I used to go over to England to help with school holidays or emergencies and she did subtley try the gult trip bit saying she was pleased when holidays came and she had a break. I made it quite clear that it was her choice and even if I had been living down the road as before I would never have done what she did, only in emergencies and school holidays. I must say she was a nice lady.

However when the youngest was about to start school she said she was looking forward to getting her life back. Sadly a month later she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. she was fortunate in that she lived for another 2 1/2 years, and it was fairly good quality, but hardly getting her life back.

Having brought up a family retirement is for you.

Agree with other reply she wants her own mum
Given time and as she gets more confident herself this will change I’m sure
Try not to be impatient and ride this out, I think I was the same when I had my especially first baby, after a short while this changed, and over the months then years that followed my children ( now Grandparents themselves) all had a special loving bond with their Nan Dot right until she died some times I think they became closer to her than even my own mum who they also loved to bits ..
So take heart I’m sure all will be fine x

Her hormones will still be all over the place and she will be under a pressure she's not known before. It's natural that she is going to want her own mother and I don't think that you should be sticking the bottom lip out. It's about her and what she wants, not you. I am sure when she gains more confidence and her hormones start to settle she will start to think more clearly.

The majority of women find it difficult to leave their baby with anybody for the first few months. They will always choose the person they trust the most if they have to, and with most of us that's our mother.

when DD1 needed help back when she had her twins by c section and then another just 2 yrs later myself and her inlaws worked well together. SIL started work between 4 and 6 am every morning. I lived just around the corner and went round just before 7 am to carry the twins down the stairs and help with their routine, both breast fed entirely, so I would throw in a wash, another load into the dryer, fold up and put away what I could. I went off to work just after 9am and the inlaws came down and stayed with her until about 4 and do bits and pieces and organise the evening meal. I would go back down about 6 to help with bedtime if SIL was not home and would tidy up and hoover etc. Repeat with next c section baby with lifting the twins, bathing etc. It worked well at the time and but looking back not sure how I managed it for 6 weeks. DD1 is very independent and hated having to depend on others but she had little choice.
I remember the inlaws asking me if I minded my daughter 2 from her first marriage calling them gran and granpa, but I was delighted they wanted to treat them as grandchildren. Eldest grandchild, who was older at the time chose to call them by their first names, younger one is happy to call them grandparents. They treat them all the same and don't favour their genetic grandchildren.

As a comparison - Oriental, far East new parents are traditionally at home with a new baby for 12 weeks, breastfeeding, settling in, adjusting, no visitors, keep the newborn germ free, keeps possibly competitive grandparents, friends and family at bay.
Three month old babies can still be tiny, vulnerable, unsettled, some good advice offered here.

To the grannies who feel they should be more involved with handling the baby, I wonder how it played out with their own parents and in-laws when they were new first-time mothers? Are they looking for a repetition of that, or something quite different?

Great post undines.

"I am sure when she gains more confidence and her hormones start to settle she will start to think more clearly."

Very offensive comment - are you insinuating she is mentally impaired by post partum hormones?

This mother is thinking very clearly now - she is just making other choices compared to what OP wants

And if she needed mil's help, would she be more confident?

Just such an insulting comment

New mothers could be less confident because they are pulled in so many different directions based on what other people want for themselves and the baby, forgetting the mother exists

12 weeks is very young to be left anywhere to be honest. How about offering to help out with the washing and ironing, cooking a meal etc. Support for them all. If it's any comfort I felt exactly the same when my first grandson was born. I have 6 grandchildren now and a special relationship with them all. One day she'll be very glad of your help. Just hang on in there.

I have to agree with Hithere there is nothing muddled about going to visit your mother. She is off work and visiting while she has the opportunity.
Of course she takes the baby with her, she is visiting her mother, not taking the baby for her mother to see.