Missing grandaughter so much

Smileless2012

I don't think anyone's suggested that you are taking sides, personally invested, trying to make you feel unwelcome VS or being confrontational. We're simply disagreeing that's all, so those are claims any of us could make.

Except that has happened on this thread and it is far from your place to say otherwise.

I'm not bothered by it, if I had a pound for every time I care what others think about me that isn't true I'd start caring.

But it's happened on this thread and some of my replies will be reflect what I am responding too.

Same as anyone else

Anyway as I said, it doesn't matter and I'm not bothered by it, although its not in any way helpful to OP so I'm not going to continue discussing this.

If you have a personal problem you would like to resolve with me, feel free to use PM instead

No I don't have a personal problem with you VS. You raised the matter so I naturally assumed it was bothering you.

OK Smileless

People are arguing against my views

Actually, it sounded as if you were arguing with me when in fact you were saying the same as me.

😁

It happens lol

Ok, take out my comment about the fount of all knowledge. I was irritated, and apologise for letting that influence my comment.
The rest of my list is factual, not confrontational

No worries Iam glad we can move past it

Your posts always are factual Iam which is why they're such a valuable contribution to the discussion.

We’re only getting one side of the story here, but OP you seem to need to pull back and let your son step up. It’s awful that your granddaughter doesn’t get to see her dad but I’m also sure it’s awful for the mom to be the only parent with responsibilities outside of playing with the child. They can both do better. Encourage your son to at least get a couple of temp jobs to help support his child. It may benefit you to have your granddaughter stay on weekends but it will be in her best interests for you to encourage your son to get his life together to provide a stable home for his child. I have 3 sons. There is no way I’d be happy with one of them not doing more to get on their feet. I am not the type to make excuses for my sons. They are strong, responsible family men in part because we cut the apron strings appropriately. Coddling adults never helps. Best thing for your granddaughter is two responsible parents. If what you say is true—and I am sure the mother would plenty to say about your perspective—neither are doing their best by the child. If you want to help, help him help himself.

How do you suggest he does that lyleLyle?

He may have had to leave the family home and may not be earning a good enough salary to afford more than a bedsit for himself.
Not everyone is on a high salary.
How can he earn a higher wage? Perhaps by working overtime but only is overtime is available.
If Yvonne has a house and perhaps a garden, it seems obvious that they would spend weekends there and the grandmother can enjoy seeing her grandchild too.

Life's so simple when people look at it from their own perspective and have no idea how some people are struggling.

I am not projecting here as my DS is a strong, responsible family man too but it doesn't stop me having empathy for those who are struggling on low wages, paying bills and with family breakups.
I have empathy for the mother too, as she is the main carer and having to pay bills too but cutting off the father and grandmother because of one late payment is not going to help anyone.

Life is so simple when you get one side of the story—from a grandparent wanting her granddaughter on the weekends. Life is not simple but the child didn’t ask to be born so he needs to figure it out. It’s not for his mummy or gransnet to figure out for him. I have empathy for poor parents. I used to be one. But empathy from strangers on the internet won’t put food in his child’s mouth, a roof over her head, or clothes on her back. So our empathy, much like his mum’s wishes and perspective on the child’s mum is irrelevant. If OP wants to help, help him job hunt and help him map out a plan for stable housing.

Perhaps she has been doing just that. We don’t know his circumstances, nor those of the mother. He may have only recently lost his job, he may not be qualified to do a better paid one, he may have mental health issues which affect his earning power, he may have been paying so much to his ex that he can only afford a bed sit. We simply don’t know and speculation is pointless. The OP seems to have left so nobody’s going to get any answers. Time to leave it alone?

I don’t need answers; only came to comment on the OP itself. Since this isn’t a physical location no one has any idea if OP is still reading. People read comments and choose not to answer sometimes. It’s the internet; it’s what people do. I can only hope she is reading the objective advice that inches her toward encouraging her son rather leaning into the vilification of the child’s mum. The child needs two functional parents and I hope all involved work toward that end.

One thing the OP hasn’t done is vilify anyone.

One thing I haven’t said is the OP herself is vilifying anyone.

Welcome to gransnet lyle

lylelLyle One thing necessary for the father to have more responsibility in caring for the child is for the mother to surrender some responsibility. It seems obvious that she isn't going to do that. You also have no idea what sort of arrangements are made when the OP has her DS and GD to stay. He may in fact take responsibility for both his child and his mother .Just because it happens in her house it doesn't mean she does everything.

It's kinda amazing the stories we can tell from a short wall of text

Glorianny

lylelLyle One thing necessary for the father to have more responsibility in caring for the child is for the mother to surrender some responsibility. It seems obvious that she isn't going to do that. You also have no idea what sort of arrangements are made when the OP has her DS and GD to stay. He may in fact take responsibility for both his child and his mother .Just because it happens in her house it doesn't mean she does everything.

Sorry, but there is literally nothing in the OP that even remotely suggest the mother “needs to surrender” some responsibility of her daughter. Zero indication whatsoever to come to such a leap from so little detail. You have absolutely no details on the situation other than what the OP provided. Your assumption is 100% pure conjecture. All we know is what the OP wrote. Her son is unemployed. Her son does not have suitable housing. I don’t wish to engage in speculative relationship dynamics, nor speculative assumptions on what the only financially supportive and custodial parent needs to do to help a grown man be a parent. I do not find this rational and do not wish to have a “what if” conversation. My comments are intended to give rational advice to the OP based on what info she provided, not the fanciful background stories invented by gransnet commenters.

VioletSky: Thank you .

Exactly Glorianny. No one knows how 'hands on' dad is when staying with the OP with his D.

lyleLyle

We’re only getting one side of the story here, but OP you seem to need to pull back and let your son step up. It’s awful that your granddaughter doesn’t get to see her dad but I’m also sure it’s awful for the mom to be the only parent with responsibilities outside of playing with the child. They can both do better. Encourage your son to at least get a couple of temp jobs to help support his child. It may benefit you to have your granddaughter stay on weekends but it will be in her best interests for you to encourage your son to get his life together to provide a stable home for his child. I have 3 sons. There is no way I’d be happy with one of them not doing more to get on their feet. I am not the type to make excuses for my sons. They are strong, responsible family men in part because we cut the apron strings appropriately. Coddling adults never helps. Best thing for your granddaughter is two responsible parents. If what you say is true—and I am sure the mother would plenty to say about your perspective—neither are doing their best by the child. If you want to help, help him help himself.

Wow if this isn't pure conjecture I don't know what is.
You have no idea why the father is in a bedsit (I've already posted about how fathers leave the family home and are unable to afford suitable accommodation)
There is no indication that the OP is "coddling"she simply facilitates contact in a difficult situation.
The father has obviously tried to financially provide only to be asked for more.
The amount taken from an unemployed parent's income for child support by the CSA is about £7 a week. He's given more.
What you claim is "rational" is in fact pure conjecture. You assume the OP is not helping her son to find employment. You assume she is somehow "coddling" him. You assume that he is not independent. Strong responsible family men can sometimes find themselves victims through no fault of their own. They then need support. If none of your 3 DSs have been in such a situation you are incredibly lucky. But castigating and criticising others whose sons have not been so lucky is neither helpful nor rational. A good mantra to learn is "there but for the grace of god go I"

I made a suggestion. Do not presume you know what I assumed. The OP can be doing those things and my suggestions could just be a reiteration of what she’s doing. My suggestions could be the first time she is hearing it. It’s not for you to decide either way. The advice I gave was to the OP. She can do with it what she likes. My advice doesn’t need to fit whatever criteria you think you get to decide. I don’t need to know why the father is in a bedsit. The OP came here to talk about the parenting situation of a child that is not hers. I advise her to let the parents handle it. If she wants to encourage her son to improve his situation, she should. He is unemployed. He does not have suitable living conditions to properly house his child. I can beat the factual dead horse all day. You are free to go on about the mother that you know nothing about other than what the OP stated. You aren’t going to sway me or change my opinion. You won’t alter my advice to the OP by providing all your what ifs and how do you knows, or your speculative background story. I hope this provides clarity for you. If not, I’m fine with that too.

lyleLyle

I made a suggestion. Do not presume you know what I assumed. The OP can be doing those things and my suggestions could just be a reiteration of what she’s doing. My suggestions could be the first time she is hearing it. It’s not for you to decide either way. The advice I gave was to the OP. She can do with it what she likes. My advice doesn’t need to fit whatever criteria you think you get to decide. I don’t need to know why the father is in a bedsit. The OP came here to talk about the parenting situation of a child that is not hers. I advise her to let the parents handle it. If she wants to encourage her son to improve his situation, she should. He is unemployed. He does not have suitable living conditions to properly house his child. I can beat the factual dead horse all day. You are free to go on about the mother that you know nothing about other than what the OP stated. You aren’t going to sway me or change my opinion. You won’t alter my advice to the OP by providing all your what ifs and how do you knows, or your speculative background story. I hope this provides clarity for you. If not, I’m fine with that too.

A suggestion would be "can you help your son find a job?"
"You are coddling him" is pure criticism.
Funny how people can't tell the difference.

Where all your conversations will be butted into and scored out of 10

LyleLyle, none of us are in a position to feel so sure that we are right in the advice that we offer or the way we see things, certainly not to the extent that we feel the need to be offensive to others who see, justifiably, that there are many unknowns and what ifs when information is so scant.

It is wise, when forming an opinion, to take into account all those uncertainties and modify your advice accordingly.