Missing grandaughter so much

He's obviously paid his way for 5 years it certainly looks that way icanhandthemback.

It’s important always to focus on the holistic needs of the children. In England, the family courts will not stop the non custodial parent’s contact to their children because unemployment means they miss maintenance payments. From what the OP describes, this father has been reliable till unemployment hit.
Of course, we only have one side of the history here but it’s unfair to leap to negative, critical conclusions. Posts are occasionally picked up by newspapers- you surely don’t want that to happen.

Yvonne57, please ask gransnet to take this post down because I don’t think it’s possible to delete yiur grandchild’s name.

Callistemon21

Hithere

There has to be way more to the story to the details shared here - it is often the case the culprit is another issue

Yes, I agree.

How was the maintenance amount agreed? Are the courts involved?

Your son needs to ask CAB for advice.

Yes, I agree
I agreed there may be more to the story .

Not sure what culprit means or who is considered to be a culprit 🤔

The father for missing a payment?
The mother for preventing access to the father and grandmother?

I agree that the child is of paramount importance here.

I'm hoping the name has been changed.

My son hasn’t got that much money he is at the moment out of work.

Callistemon21 But your DGD's Mum still has to house and feed her - presumably she needs that maintenance payment. It is distressing for you but can you help him out and pay in the meantime and make sure he takes any job while he looks for something permanent?

Precisely what do you expect GD mum to use for food, rent, clothing, if your DS missed maintenance payments(s)? Is this the first miss? I agree with Callistemon21 you could get him paid up as a loan. That may allow GD to come on over.

Apart from the maintenance, is your son attempting to find his own place, after 5 years? A place where he can weekend with his daughter properly?

There seem to be holes/ missing bits to your post.

Apart from the maintenance, is your son attempting to find his own place, after 5 years? A place where he can weekend with his daughter properly?

Maybe he is paying enough maintenance when he works not to be able to afford better. Maybe he is in a low paid job as many are. He won't get the tax credits, benefits that Mum will to help him.

If staying with Gran works out for everybody, what's wrong with that?

It is not the responsibility of Yvonne57 to give her son a loan or pay the maintenance. My ex never paid a penny in maintenance for my kids and his mother certainly wouldn't have done. However, I never denied him access for this reason. The person it would have hurt was his daughter who adored him. ` The poor 5 year old seems to have been completely forgotten in all this.

It is a red flag he is not able to provide his own home environment for his child

What if grandma wasn't here to "save the day"?
What would this father do?

I wonder how many weekends we are talking about and what kind of a father he was when the child was not with him - before the mother stopped the weeekend arrangement

icanhandthemback

^Your son needs to get a job and support his child properly.^

We have no idea about his limitations in this area and if he has none, why assume he isn't trying. He's obviously paid his way for 5 years but suddenly the mother must have had enough.

OP said "He is at the moment out of work"

Yvonne57, I remember my daughter saying she'd stop my grandson from seeing his dad - as the support payments had stopped. She was angry, not thinking logically.

I said that the visits and payments were two different matters, it would be cruel to suddenly stop him seeing his dad and grandparents - and could make him feel insecure.

She calmed down, had a good think about it and had to agree.

When his dad was back in work, he paid extra to make up for the shortfall. They are still very close and it was so good that the wider family have stayed in touch, too.

Many fathers finish up in accommodation which isn't suitable for their children because they choose to allow the mother to remain in the family home and can't afford to rent or buy anything big enough themselves. So it isn't necessarily bad parenting to live somewhere unsuitable.
Whatever the details of this dispute at the heart of it is a little girl who needs both her parents and her grandmother. I wonder if your son has been to mediation Yvonne57 perhaps the parents need help to sort out their relationship and access to their child.

Thanks to Hetty58 and Glorianny for your posts. This little 5 year old needs her parents to make the best they can of their circumstances, with her needs as their focus.
Many families, including mine, have faced the difficulties that arise when parents separate. Ours, like Hetty58, did all we could to help keep things running smoothly for the sake of the children.

Yvonne, her GD and son are being punished.

Withdrawing contact when there is disagreement was very common when I was working. Sometimes for good reason, other times just because they could. In the middle of it all are the children.

Surely the only good reason to withdraw contact is if there's genuine concern regarding the welfare of the child(ren). If not, it's done out of spite with the welfare of any children caught up way down the list of priorities.

Yes it can be spite, because of issues in the parental relationship, but the parent with physical custody has the power to be 'difficult' and other than returning to court there isn't much the other parent can do.

Unfortunately many mothers consider the children to be "hers" with Dad being somebody to blame for everything. I have met many men who would willingly step up to the mark if given the chance.
Even though my son did his absolute best in the circumstances (and wanted to do far more) he couldn't do anything about the constant drip of misinformation. He would have never bad mouthed the mother of his child. It was only when his son sent him a copy of a report by an Ed Psych that he realised how much he was being blackened. The cheating mother who was deliberately not using contraception knowing my son wanted the relationship on a better footing before he had another child, became the abandoned mother. His defined access visits became "forcing the child to see his father," even though nothing had ever been voiced. The damage to that little boy has been immense and now he is an adult, he and his Dad are working on their relationship with my son diplomatically trying to broach the truth in a kind way.

The best arrangements I have seen is where the parents have joint custody and the adults respect their child's right to love each parent equally. Each adult respects the other parent's right to make decisions concerning their children when in their custody and work together to resolve difficulties. Of course, it is rare because if they were able to do this in the first place, they probably wouldn't end up divorced! But, I have seen it in action.

Glorianny

Many fathers finish up in accommodation which isn't suitable for their children because they choose to allow the mother to remain in the family home and can't afford to rent or buy anything big enough themselves. So it isn't necessarily bad parenting to live somewhere unsuitable.
Whatever the details of this dispute at the heart of it is a little girl who needs both her parents and her grandmother. I wonder if your son has been to mediation Yvonne57 perhaps the parents need help to sort out their relationship and access to their child.

Don't you mean they choose to allow their children to remain in the family home?

The priority is a safe and secure environment for children to live in which usually results in the mother and children remaining in the matrimonial/family home.

This often results in one of the parents usually the father, having to continue contributing to a mortgage, upkeep of the home and financial support of the children, leaving little to set up a home of their own.

Assuming both parents contribute equally to the child by way of housing, food, clothing, and other necessities - I don't understand why the father is caught out with any less available funds to spend than the mother.

Regardless, I'm unaware because my life hasn't been touched by SILs who lose jobs and don't 'pay their share'.

Why would I understand the unfairness of a situation in which, perhaps, the mum is depending on the father to pay and he doesn't. Mum has bills, food to buy - perhaps GP stepping in with money is a good idea for all concerned.

It's not always the case that both parents can contribute equally and it is the parent who the children are not resident with who pays child maintenance.

I agree that GP's stepping in with financial support can be beneficial but that shouldn't be because if they don't they don't get to see their GC and their AC doesn't get to see his/her own children.

Smileless2012

It's not always the case that both parents can contribute equally and it is the parent who the children are not resident with who pays child maintenance.

I agree that GP's stepping in with financial support can be beneficial but that shouldn't be because if they don't they don't get to see their GC and their AC doesn't get to see his/her own children.

Why couldn't both parents pay towards their child's care if they both had income? I do realize the parent (dad in this case) who isn't living with the child is the one paying maintenance - to help pay the bills for the child. Presumably that parents half of the child related bills?

I don't think the GPs have to step in, it just seems as if they'd want to help their son with his lawful (I assume?) payment. If my child were unemployed and needed financial help with payments - I'd pay.

What am I misunderstanding?

It doesn't work that way Norah. The courts stipulate how much maintenance has to be paid. The son of a friend of mine has fallen behind with his payments. He's self employed and struggling financially. His ex is remarried, has a well paid job and is not dependant on his payments yet has stopped him from seeing his children and a result, my friend cannot see her GC.

My friend is not in a position to offer financial support. If parents in these situations want to be unreasonable there's little that can be done.

Presumably that parents Dad's half of the child related expenses/ bills.

Smileless2012

It doesn't work that way Norah. The courts stipulate how much maintenance has to be paid. The son of a friend of mine has fallen behind with his payments. He's self employed and struggling financially. His ex is remarried, has a well paid job and is not dependant on his payments yet has stopped him from seeing his children and a result, my friend cannot see her GC.

My friend is not in a position to offer financial support. If parents in these situations want to be unreasonable there's little that can be done.

I understand the court stipulates the maintenance amount.

I also understood the sum to be based on half the child related costs/ bills - half of what custodial parent is spending. Are you saying that is incorrect?

Remarriage or mum's income has no impact on child's expenses - does it? If the child is half yours (whomever you are) the expenses are half yours.