Missing grandaughter so much

This has been gong for 7 pages and the O/P has not posted or clarified, but the use of "mom" in the O/P makes me wonder if we are discussing a case in the USA not the UK despite the figures being stated in ££££.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is for real because there have been genuine, and caring requests for essential additional information in order to help.

I agree Wyllow. I posted on the English legal framework in response to posters suggesting separated parents need written court agreements. No, they don’t. They need to be responsible and child centred

You’re talking about your own situation PoppyBlue. You know your own details - you don’t know very much at all about the OP’s family circumstances.

So yeah - best not to project.

I did post earlier that some of the disparaging comments made about the OP's son may have put her off returning.

I did wonder if the son has health problems and needing support - or is unfit for work - and some of the tougher comments therefore simply off target - but if we don't know - and in addition its in the States not the UK - we are just guessing right through.

Smileless2012

I did post earlier that some of the disparaging comments made about the OP's son may have put her off returning.

Could just as easily been the disparaging comments about the DIL, OP may have realised there would be some unobjective advice

*You’re talking about your own situation PoppyBlue. You know your own details - you don’t know very much at all about the OP’s family circumstances.

So yeah - best not to project*

No I'm talking about inflation and state school trips and projects. Bless your heart thinking they won't increase in price. Fresh air will over that.

Unless the OP returns, we'll never know for certain will we VS.

For 5 years? He's been in a bedsit 5 days a week and stays with his mom at weekends so he can see his daughter?
For 5 years?Could he not move in? Maybe be abit more stable?

He is an adult. He has a right to live his life in his own bedsit.

Ive just looked up paternal rights and one point is they need to 'Provide a home for a child' so possibly court order/ paternal rights aren't valid here?

He does, it is at his mother's. This is perfectly reasonable in the eyes of the Court if he chose to go before the Judge. However, parents are actively encouraged to come to reasonable access amongst themselves and the courts prefer not to "define access." They will however if the resident parent denies access or goes out to scupper the other parent's access. The only thing the court will want to know is that the child is going to somewhere they will be safe and will only consider suitability if the resident parent complains.

Which means maintenance is questionable?

In the UK, maintenance is an entirely separate issue to access. I am living testimony to being a resident parent who never got a penny in maintenance but the father would have got access regardless.

Why mom gets the final say?

Nope, that is not how it works as far as the court is concerned.

In the UK, both parents have equal rights in as much as they have rights at all. Everything is decided on the basis of the child's interests, not the parents. The court will give one parent Residency but that is no longer intended to mean custody. It just means that at the end of the access period, the child must be returned to its residential address.

We were led to believe that it would be expensive and time consuming to get Defined Access but in fact, it wasn't. The Judge was really kind and the DIL's solicitor helped us with protocol when our solicitor (who came from a different area) couldn't attend. We could have petitioned the court without legal help and represented ourselves. The courts aren't out to "get you" in these circumstances, they just want the best for the child.

There’s nothing to suggest the child’s father has been living in a bed sit for 5 years, or that the couple have been separated for five years.

The OP says only that her grandchild has been staying with her at weekends since she was born 5 years ago.

Thank you icanhandthemback for sharing your experience. It’s an accurate representation if the family courts

Good post icanhandthemback.

It's come a long way

It's wonderful that both parents can get 50/50 custody.

In order for that though they have to be able to co-parent effectively and they have to have good communication and make joint decisions about:

School locations
Clubs
Social invites on the others week
Childcare if both work for holidays
Medical appointments
Their own living location
How benefits are claimed

So insulting the other will never lead to effective coparenting, even if that is weekends or every other weekend.

Both need to be in a position to not cause stress on the other and to relieve stress on the other, like if one parent becomes ill and the other needs to step in and do more.

The way a child is impacted depends on good co-parenting

The way a child is impacted depends on good co-parenting
agreed, which definitely does not include withholding access for any reason other than a safeguarding issue.

I don't know why you felt the need to clarify that to me because I've already said it's not a good choice.

Dad has a financial obligation to his child he is not fulfilling, even if he simply offered the £7 a week he would be obliged to send while unemployed.

Both parents need to come together to co-parent effectively.

It is the child who matters here

icanhandthemback We could have petitioned the court without legal help and represented ourselves. The courts aren't out to "get you" in these circumstances, they just want the best for the child.

As it should be and as this chap could likely do. My brother is a solicitor, the court nor a solicitor isn't out to "get" anyone. That whole thought is misguided, people in law want to uphold the law. Solicitors are good people, doing good work (with I suppose some rare exceptions).

Thanks Norah. We do our best. And in my personal experience family court judges are kind and compassionate.

My long experience leads me to the same conclusion about solicitors and family court judges.

VioletSky, you asked Rosie why she felt the need to clarify as you’d already made the point. So have many others. It really isn’t always all about you. I try to avoid getting into nonsense exchanges, or irritable responses but - there are many posters with person and/or personal experiences of helping separated parents reach the best solution for their children

As a retired family solicitor my brother would say the same about his experience Iam. Solicitors and family court judges doing their best in some extremely difficult, stressful and upsetting circumstances.

For a forum of what is predominantly women, the misogyny on this thread is shocking.

Iam64

My long experience leads me to the same conclusion about solicitors and family court judges.

VioletSky, you asked Rosie why she felt the need to clarify as you’d already made the point. So have many others. It really isn’t always all about you. I try to avoid getting into nonsense exchanges, or irritable responses but - there are many posters with person and/or personal experiences of helping separated parents reach the best solution for their children

Rosie quoted me and I don't know why there was a need to clarify that to me

I still don't know

"It really isn't always about you"

Except when people mention my name or quote me, so there is that

There is quite clearly a significant backstory from the mother’s point of view here, given the father, after 5 years, still does not have a home suitable to accommodate his daughter in, and now he can no longer fulfill his child support commitments. Who knows how many times he has not been in a position to financially support his daughter before.

Where would he be without his mother there to ensure he is able to spend time with his own daughter? Does he actually even have good quality time with his daughter given his mother is also there for the contact? Is he even actively caring for his child?

A situation has been described where the mother has all the responsibility, and the father is doing the bare minimum, and it is the mother who is being critised.

Shocking.

It appears from the OP that this is the first time her son has been behind with child support payments GG65 and there's no reason to assume that he has a history of this.

Yes, some have criticised the mother from preventing her 5 year old daughter from seeing her father because that is what she has done.

I don't believe that to be an example of misogyny or as shocking as suggestions that the father may not be having good quality time with his D or be actively caring for her.

Agree GG65

Smileless2012

It appears from the OP that this is the first time her son has been behind with child support payments GG65 and there's no reason to assume that he has a history of this.

Yes, some have criticised the mother from preventing her 5 year old daughter from seeing her father because that is what she has done.

I don't believe that to be an example of misogyny or as shocking as suggestions that the father may not be having good quality time with his D or be actively caring for her.

That’s not true. The OP says nothing about this being the first missed payment. She just says “my son has missed a child maintenance payment.” The following paragraph will explain why we have every reason to assume that he has a history of this.

We have a father who:

• doesn’t have a suitable home for his daughter to visit with him, despite having 5 years to rectify this.

• has his mother collect his daughter for his contact time, every single weekend.

• spends said contact time with his daughter at his mother’s house, every single weekend.

• has his mother return his daughter at the end of contact, every single weekend.

• has missed child support payments and is currently not in a position to financially support his daughter.

And ”some have criticised the mother from preventing her 5 year old daughter from seeing her father because that is what she has done.” Where is the criticism for what the father has and has not done? Isn’t he equally responsible for his daughter? Or is he held to a lesser standard?

He’s certainly not fulfilling his responsibilities given his daughter’s mother clearly has the lion’s share of responsibility, and his share is being picked up by his own mother.

So, sub par “parenting” from this man is unworthy of comment, yet one decision by the mother who has had all the responsibility for raising their child for the past 5 years, and is now dealing with a sudden and indefinite financial loss, is open to criticism and worthy of being branded “cruel”.

Yeah, you’re right, no misogyny to see here