Should I provide Childcare??

eazybee

The issue that needs to be confronted is your daughter's obsessive compulsive disorder. She is attempting to return to work far too soon, and trying to blackmail you into doing four days a week full time care for her child. You clearly do not want to, and you should not be compelled by guilt into doing it.
The care of the baby is the parents' responsibility and they must sort it out, putting . Again, the mother must confront the OCD issue; the baby's welfare comes first. first
You do one day, she does two and the father one. Covered, and all within the family.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I do loads of childcare for DD’s but am in my 50’s and fit and healthy.
One day will be more than enough for you.

My youngest grandchild is just 15. I looked after him from 6.30 am till approx 3pm Monday to Friday from age 9 months until he went to school. I was mid 60s to 70 back then, and it was tiring, but I wanted to help out, but no way could I have started again with any more after that. If your daughter knows full well that you aren`t well, she shouldn`t even be asking you.

I think sometimes our children have rose coloured specs on when looking at us! My daughter thinks I'm much fitter and younger than I am. I look after my two grandsons two days a week and I'm exhausted afterwards. I'm happy to do it, but it is hard work. You will need to have a hard conversation with your daughter about your capabilities or lack of them. You also work and enjoy it so that needs taken into consideration

We do a fair amount of childcare and it does take up a lot of time and energy. Eldest 2 are at school and youngest starts in August, then there's swimming, dancing, football etc.
I would say it is harder physically to look after a toddler than a baby as they have boundless energy and may or may not have a nap. Is there no chance of you doing a bit along with the nursery as that would maybe allow you to keep your job? Or rest. It is hard if you have looked after another grandchild but sounds like you were a lot fitter and younger then.

just.
say.
no.

10 years is a long time when we are in our 60-70’s . I looked after twins once a week for a day a week when I was 63 , I was still able to run after them when they went in opposite directions ! I didn’t get asked by other AC as she was a childminder when her children were young .But now I’m 73 I couldn’t even anticipate it . I’m still able to look after GC as they are all over 7 now and they tend to look after me !

This seems to cause a lot of ill feeling in some families .

Everything is fine if you feel well , have the energy and no other commitments .

One of my friends does it six days a week travelling to her daughter's so she can clean as well .
She's up at five and goes to bed at eight .
She's given up all her interests , compromised her marriage and become bad tempered and unpleasant company .

I know another couple , who care for their grandchildren seven days a week and take them on holiday as well .

The husband wants to leave .

On both cases - it started as three days a week .

A baby of four months needs his / her mother .

If you don't feel well and gave a painful condition like fibromyalgia and have a job that you can manage .

If you need to rest by two or three - how are you going to care for the baby until your daughter returns later ?

Be prepared for a knee jerk reaction , disappointment and anger - culminating in emotional blackmail even being threatened with not being allowed to see your grandchild .

I'm wishing you lots of luck .

I am so grateful for ALL messsages. I feel like I am having a Sunday breakfast with friends! You guys are SUPER! I will respond more after I read all of these, but in response to the few I had time to read this morning, YES YES YES to all. I'm past my mid 60's and have my little job to supplement my Social Security for extras. I raised 3 kids as a single Mom from divorce and then helped my youngest daughter raise her son (as she was a single Mom). I home schooled him for 3 years and had him often through his life. I just feel DONE with raising kids and being super involved in their care. Any way the latest is that she would not work with 2 days a week and then decided even 3 days a week would not work for her because she didn't know how she would fill in the other days. After they visited the Montessori Daycare, she called me and was very happy about what they had to offer and decided (at this point - mind you the baby isn't even due until November!!!) that they would go with the Daycare as it is easier on them and everyone else. It just jumped from one to another and not much discussion. With her OCD she actually became very critical of me for needing time to decide what I could do (I told her a month) and asked why I needed to even think about it. She looked at me and asked why I hadn't decided yet, and what do I do all day, that I needed a month to consider it. At that point I told her I couldn't do 4 days for sure, and was considering between 2 or 3 days at the most. She basically shut me down at that point (the OCU anxiety at work) and said if I could only do 2 days to forget it. I found myself then blurting out that I could do the 3 days (felt pressured and didn't want to throw out the possibilities). Then the next week they had had an appointment at the Daycare and she decided she didn't want to consider options, but have a concrete plan. To be honest I felt really shook up and stunned. She knows I have a chronic illness and pain and never even seemed to acknowledge the sacrifice I was making to even consider it. Anyway, sorry for venting. I have had no one really to talk to about this who is a Grandparent and perhaps also has had or has similiar health concerns. Its not just that, but what about finally getting to do things you've been putting off all your life?? LOL here I go answering my questions. I was a Therapist OMG. But much harder to give yourself advice!!!

Yes the OCD is such a stress. She will not acknowledge it so there is not much I can do about it. She is not obsessive about cleaning and that kind of thing, but needing things/people to respond or do things in a certain way. Any type of perceived criticism (even the wrong suggestions) and she goes on an OCD rant. On the plus side, she always apologizes later, but she is definitely in denial of the intensity she displays. I suggested we all split up the days and she start talking to her job about working from home etc.. but that was met with, well, OCD! She just went into high anxiety mode. Yes, I felt guilted into offering the 3 days before I had sufficient time to consider it. Thanks for that reminder.

I appreciate that feedback and the bigger picture. I can the pressure to do more being a strong possibility and trying to bend over backwards to help more. Especially if my daughter guilts me or cries in despair etc!!! I feel horrible that she is even thinking of Daycare when the baby is 4 months (she has 4 months leave). It makes me feel so depressed. But I can't fix it. Her sister feels the same way and reminded me that things may change for her once she has the baby in her arms. I hope that is true and that she will at least put a concerted effort into finding a way to be home with her baby at least a few days out of the week.

Sounds to me as if her problem may be autism rather than OCD.

Listen, how do you answer someone's message? I'm not sure if my answers to people are going in the general feed or to them as well?? : - |

That must have been really difficult LouLou23 your daughter really does need to deal with her OCD problems as eazybee said.
Take a deep breath and don't let guilt take over, you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Some good suggestions on here, the Montessori day care with you as emergency standby seems the best course of action. You need to consider your own health and well being . Our adult children do tend to think we are indestructible and can always cope, they do need a reminder sometimes that this isn't so.

LouLou23

Listen, how do you answer someone's message? I'm not sure if my answers to people are going in the general feed or to them as well?? : - |

If you put a star * either side of the posters name with no space it will come up bold and they will know the comment is to them. Or if you click the 3 little dots at bottom of message box and press Quote it will quote the comment and then you can type their reply

I was faced with this dilemma about 7 years ago when my son had his first child. I was working part-time, and also doing school runs (couple of days) for my daughter’s children. So I was very upfront and said that it would be too much for me . I offered to do babysitting if they wanted to have a night out but that’s all I could offer- you have to think of yourself and be straight with them . It was a bit awkward at first and I think they were disappointed- but I did not feel any guilt because not were they high earners but they had the other GPS as well. Alls well that ends well . They managed ok and our relationship was not affected . Good luck!

Not only

Madgran77 TESTING! Hope it works, thank you!

M0nica

Sounds to me as if her problem may be autism rather than OCD.

That surely could be. It is hard to diagnose since she is in her late 30's. She was diagnosed with mild Bipolar years ago. When she became an adult she has refused to acknowledge that there is a condition that needs to be re diagnosed and treated. Its a rough once they are adults if they choose to look the other way.

One day a week is sufficient as the day before and the one after you will be tired.
We did one day a week for 10 years which included a second child from 10 months old, it’s a big commitment and none of us are getting any younger.
You have health issues which you must consider. The baby isn’t born yet so don’t worry too much but 2 or 3 days a week will be exhausting.

sodapop

That must have been really difficult LouLou23 your daughter really does need to deal with her OCD problems as eazybee said.
Take a deep breath and don't let guilt take over, you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Some good suggestions on here, the Montessori day care with you as emergency standby seems the best course of action. You need to consider your own health and well being . Our adult children do tend to think we are indestructible and can always cope, they do need a reminder sometimes that this isn't so.

sodapop eazybeeYou are right. And yes the OCD if it is that, is VERY difficult to deal with as far trying to have a serious conversation with her. When we are together, I have to watch my words and keep it very light lest anything be misconstrued. I will take a deep breath and let go of the guilt. The Montessori is at least a plan she can feel secure with for the time being and relieve stress for her. Once the baby is here, she may relax and realize there are things she can do to be home at least a good part of the week with the baby. But this may be what she has to do. I have been aghast at the realization that my adult kids think I am indestructible in a sense and will handle it, whatever it is. They don't see the tears, depression and pain. It is so crazy, because for us as we get older especially in our 60's and beyond...we are the ones who need help, right? I'm just looking at my dirty windows and wishing someone would offer to clean them, LOL.

silverlining48

One day a week is sufficient as the day before and the one after you will be tired.
We did one day a week for 10 years which included a second child from 10 months old, it’s a big commitment and none of us are getting any younger.
You have health issues which you must consider. The baby isn’t born yet so don’t worry too much but 2 or 3 days a week will be exhausting.

I didn't think of that regarding being tired the day before and the day after. It seems in the heat of the moment we forget to be realistic and what that means for us. That is exactly how it is for me. It takes me time to recover when I have pushed myself for just one day. UGH!

JenniferEccles That's the thing...the baby is not due until the end of November and she will have 4 months off. I was a stay at home Mom with 3 kids and would have not changed a thing, except maybe I would have done a better job of self care and maybe continuing my education at some point. But as I remember it, I was busy ALL the time with all that goes into being a Mom. And we went without alot of things so I could be home with the kids. It was well worth it and I saw it as an investment. I have tried to encourage her to look at all options and be open to finding a way to be home with the baby. IMO they could do it if they trimmed their budget. He has a good paying job and I encouraged her to ask her employer about working from home if need be. But in truth, we see things from our perspective and it is very difficult to give that wisdom to your adult kids, unless they ask for it. Otherwise they get defensive etc...So I'm at a loss there. All I can do is to support the best I can and offer my wisdom when its asked for. :-/ I do agree with you.

Go Montessori. I’m 63 and still working in childcare and have a few health issues don’t think I’ll be doing full time till I retire. I’m tired and aching each day.

I don't understand the 'four months leave'. Why doesn't she have longer as maternity leave? I think her plans will probably change.

My daughter used to drop my grandson off at nursery, then I'd pick him up at lunchtime and look after him until she finished work. That was quite enough. They lived here with me and she worked four days a week - still does.

I've looked after my daughter's two boys for the past 8 years. Now I do all the schools holidays. It's rewarding and exhausting but I do have my husband who is fully on board with the arrangement. He helps out and is far more engaged with his grandchildren than he ever was with our own children when they were young. We have had some wonderful times and created some wonderful memories.

My son now has a baby boy. I have told him and his wife that I can't possibly do for him what I have done for my daughter. I'm 8 years older, and to be honest I'm spent.

My advice would be to tell your daughter you will be there for emergencies but that you couldn't possibly take on full time childcare at this stage in your life.

I'm sure she'll accept your decision if you are firm and that there will be plenty of times when you can enjoy being with your grandchild.