Grandson visit with girlfriend

eddiecat78

I can't believe some of the comments I am reading! The lad has asked to visit and bring his girlfriend with him - that is all. Just because they are both under the same roof does not mean they are going to be at it like rabbits! If he had asked for them to sleep in the same room you would be perfectly entitled to say "not in our house" but he hasn't

That's how I see it, too.

I’d be delighted that my grandson wanted to stay over with his girlfriend. I’d offer her the bed, him the sofa and leave them to it.

Lathryus there is no way on earth he could end up on the sex offenders register, unless he forces unwanted sex on the girl. I’ve been retired 10 years but even 20 years ago police and social workers were often found explaining to the irate father of a 15 year old girl that prosecuting her 17year old boyfriend for usi wouldn’t get past the CPS as she ‘loves him’ and refuses to give evidence against him. Also thst such a prosecution would damage the father-daughter relationship

I agree with your husband OP. I think I would trust them.

i would not be taking responsibility for unknown people's unknown child.

that would be a big No if it was me.
think it's a cheek for him to want to bring a girlfriend anyway.
always a chance he would not stay on the sofa all night!

Doodledog

eddiecat78

I can't believe some of the comments I am reading! The lad has asked to visit and bring his girlfriend with him - that is all. Just because they are both under the same roof does not mean they are going to be at it like rabbits! If he had asked for them to sleep in the same room you would be perfectly entitled to say "not in our house" but he hasn't

That's how I see it, too.

Absolutely. I find it hard to credit some of the comments on here.
He's come for a break with his grandma and Grandad, for heaven's sake. The parents trust them. They haven't come to see you to "have sex" for goodness sake.
They've come to stay with their loved family and deserve to be trusted.

Yes reassure yourselves by double checking your worries with parents but show some trust in your own family You haven't mentioned any reasons whatsoever you have particular suspicions the've "come for sex."

With the greatest respect Iam64, and I do very much respect your contributions to Gransnet, there have been prosecutions and convictions in this regard, because this is the law.

I personally know of two, one was a boy whose name was placed on the sex register and one was a girl who had a baby by a young lad that I used to teach. I’m that case the facilitating adult was also convicted.

I’ve taken a little while to look up some legal sites to confirm the legal post and it confirmed that “consensual sex with an under sixteen year old can carry a sentry of up to 2 years”. This was specifically in a section regarding consensual sex between teenagers.

All kinds of things can influence whether CPS pursue a prosecution, not least social and media pressures of the moment. It is not their place to set aside the law but to decide whether the evidence is strong enough for conviction. If it clearly is then questions could be raised about their decision not to prosecute.

My concern was those posters who thought contraception was the only issue to discuss with the grandson rather than informing him of the possible consequences of sex with a minor.

IMO it is the parents responsibility and I feel you are greatly overreacting. Teenagers of this age of course have sex and given that they do, what matters is respect, love, appropriate knowledge, and trust. Not assuming "the worst".

Or are you saying that 15 and 16 year olds should not be having sex? Because that is a different discussion from that of the O/P altogether.

I would be pleased that my GS wanted to visit me and bring his girlfriend.

I hope you all enjoy your time together.

I think it is an opportunity to say how you feel, why not just tell him your worries? Love to have you stay, hope you are not doing anything yet, we think you are too young. Please respect our house. We trust you.

My Step grandson 16 has a girlfriend that lives with his family, her mother approves, she sleeps with his sister. DIL doesn’t mind, it’s a happy household and very busy she has 5 children a husband 3 dogs and 4 ponies so everybody does what they are told when they are told. The girlfriends home doesn’t seem to be happy, as for sex, probably, more important to provide stability.

It's amazing what you get back from young people when you show them you trust them to make good decisions

Lots of people have mixed sleepovers now, trusting them to sleep in separate spaces. Many friendship groups are mixed sex as well as mixed sexuality these days

Also... I would have thought grandma's house not the most romantic of locations anyway

If you think a lad of 16 doesn’t know about contraceptions you’re living in cloud cuckoo land

If you know your grandson and trust him I would certainly be happy he wanted to stay with me and bring his girlfriend

Don’t overthink he’s probably more grown up than you think

Lathyrus

With the greatest respect Iam64, and I do very much respect your contributions to Gransnet, there have been prosecutions and convictions in this regard, because this is the law.

I personally know of two, one was a boy whose name was placed on the sex register and one was a girl who had a baby by a young lad that I used to teach. I’m that case the facilitating adult was also convicted.

I’ve taken a little while to look up some legal sites to confirm the legal post and it confirmed that “consensual sex with an under sixteen year old can carry a sentry of up to 2 years”. This was specifically in a section regarding consensual sex between teenagers.

All kinds of things can influence whether CPS pursue a prosecution, not least social and media pressures of the moment. It is not their place to set aside the law but to decide whether the evidence is strong enough for conviction. If it clearly is then questions could be raised about their decision not to prosecute.

My concern was those posters who thought contraception was the only issue to discuss with the grandson rather than informing him of the possible consequences of sex with a minor.

I’ve taken a little while to look up some legal sites to confirm the legal post and it confirmed that “consensual sex with an under sixteen year old can carry a sentry of up to 2 years”. This was specifically in a section regarding consensual sex between teenagers.

Thank you Lathyrus for a realistic and sensible post.

I have a grandson of that age who has a girlfriend the same age as him.

If they wanted to stay with me (which has been hinted at), I would still feel a sense of responsibility towards the girlfriend - even though she is legally 'of age', as much as I do towards my grandson, in terms of the 'welfare' of young people.

I realise that sixteen year olds are legally allowed to consent to 'sexual activity' (as the law defines it), and are far more worldly than we ever were probably at that age, and live in an environment that is overtly 'sexualised'; they may be well-versed in contraception, and knowledgeable about how each other's anatomy functions, but emotionally and mentally they are, IMO, still quite raw when it comes to the whole gamut of adult relationships - the pitfalls and the consequences.

Turning from 15 to 16 doesn't magically confer wisdom and insight, and I'd want to be sure that neither grandson nor girlfriend were exploiting the other, emotionally or physically if they were under my roof.

That doesn't mean I'm a prude, nor am I living in 'cloud cuckoo land'. I just feel that young people are under an enormous amount of pressure in today's world, in a way that we were not when things were more cut-and-dried, when we didn't have the internet, smartphones, or a sometimes in your face entertainment / celebrity culture where the lines are often blurred between what people consider 'acceptable' or not.

All these things inform the way young people think and behave, and as it's an environment we've helped to create, I think we have a responsibility to make sure they get the best out of it, not the worst. If that makes sense?

Thanks Lathyrus, of course I accept the law and your experience of cases where prosecution took place.
My experience when working was the police were reluctant to prosecute when the age gap was short and the young people appeared to be in a happy, consensual relationship.
My comments don’t mean I’d be encouraging my children or grandchildren into sexual relationships before the legal age and preferably a bit older than 16

In your position I would be passing this back to both sets of parents - they are putting you and you DH in an uncomfortable situation and in my opinion, although the GS is 16 his parents are irresponsible for considering him taking his 15 yr old girlfriend away with him.

I have AC and GC and none would even consider a situation like this.

Iam64

Thanks Lathyrus, of course I accept the law and your experience of cases where prosecution took place.
My experience when working was the police were reluctant to prosecute when the age gap was short and the young people appeared to be in a happy, consensual relationship.
My comments don’t mean I’d be encouraging my children or grandchildren into sexual relationships before the legal age and preferably a bit older than 16

My experience when working was the police were reluctant to prosecute when the age gap was short and the young people appeared to be in a happy, consensual relationship.

Understandable!

I think we'd all prefer they focused on those adults who are considerably older and set out to deliberately groom and manipulate teenagers, rather than waste time trying to prosecute 16 and 17 year olds with no malign intentions.

I’m sure they can both be trusted or the parents wouldn’t be ok with it. I’m a very light sleeper and can move fast when I need too though. Would be thrilled to see them.

CrazyMazy

Am I being ‘old fashioned’? Our 16 year old GS has asked to come and stay during the summer holidays with his 15 year old girlfriend. But we only have one spare bedroom. He said he will sleep on our sofa in the lounge. We do allow grandchildren to sleep on the sofa when other family members are staying. His Mum, our DD, says she has checked with the Girlfriend’s family and they are OK with her staying. But I feel uneasy and wish they were a little bit older, certainly over 15, before actually staying as the responsibility is falling on us. Am I being unreasonable and ‘old fashioned’? My DH says if the parents are happy with it then we should let them come and stay. What would you do?

Do you not trust your Grandson. Are you automatically thinking he'll be the one to instigate a midnight visit. Really. Think you should give them both the benefit of the doubt. Trust them to respect your home.

It is lovely they want to stay. I would encourage them to come and trust them. If they really wanted to have sex they would find a better location than their grandparents home!

Thank you all so much for your interesting comments and experiences. Most especially the legal implications of allowing young people to have underage sex. All the comments have helped me clarify my own thoughts and make my own decision. Our GS lives almost 200 miles away and we do not see so much of him these days He has stayed here on his own a couple of times and travels to us by train. We enjoy his company and he likes coming out and about with us and has met some of our friends. He also helps my DH with things we cannot manage any more. But I have never discussed sexual matters with him. I leave that to his Mum and Dad. We will allow them to stay but we will be vigilant that he is respectful to his girl friend and to us and we look forward to meeting her. I now feel privileged that both sets of parents have the confidence in us to give permission for their children to come and stay. We missed family ‘get togethers’ during the pandemic and feel it is important for all age groups to mix together and learn to understand one another. I now feel that this is an opportunity we cannot miss and am really looking forward to their visit.

CrazyMazy

Thank you all so much for your interesting comments and experiences. Most especially the legal implications of allowing young people to have underage sex. All the comments have helped me clarify my own thoughts and make my own decision. Our GS lives almost 200 miles away and we do not see so much of him these days He has stayed here on his own a couple of times and travels to us by train. We enjoy his company and he likes coming out and about with us and has met some of our friends. He also helps my DH with things we cannot manage any more. But I have never discussed sexual matters with him. I leave that to his Mum and Dad. We will allow them to stay but we will be vigilant that he is respectful to his girl friend and to us and we look forward to meeting her. I now feel privileged that both sets of parents have the confidence in us to give permission for their children to come and stay. We missed family ‘get togethers’ during the pandemic and feel it is important for all age groups to mix together and learn to understand one another. I now feel that this is an opportunity we cannot miss and am really looking forward to their visit.

very sound decision. I think it is rather lovely that he wants to share this relationship with you.. you sound like very loving GP's..

I've just been thinking about this my 3 DS's can, when they want to, swear like troopers but never said a bad word in front of my mum, even when they were stroppy teenagers. They simply understood that she wouldn't like it. I think teenagers are far more respectful of their GPs than many seem to think and behave accordingly.
Have a lovely time with them both CrazyMazy

Great news - enjoy.

Brilliant decision and the right one I think
Enjoy his stay