Husband doesn't want me to look after grandchild once a week

There’s nothing at all in OPs post about her directly benefitting financially, nor that her input in crucial nor indeed to the fact that her husband actually does this work for a living and it’s his main income ! They could both be retired and renovating as a “hobby”

Too little info here about their financial status to judge this side of things or that they actually have any “contractual obligations”, sorry to argue with those using their “business heads” but any normal Mum whose daughter has produced their first grandchild would be over the moon to have the chance to babysit once a week and it seems so important to OP, and I understand why, even if some of you don’t. She’s willing to make up the hours and I very much doubt she’s labouring and all the contact with contractors etc can easily be done on the other four days and in fact she could be available to take emergency phone calls even on the childcare day.

TBH I’m staggered that some of you are “blaming” the OP for her sad situation. This has clearly upset her and is spoiling precious time spent with her first biological grandchild !

Su51nan you haven't explained to us whether you've actually been asked to baby-sit for a whole day or whether this is your idea. Is the mother returning to work and needs you - or do you just like the thought of having the baby to yourself for a whole day?
If you were in full time employment with someone else - what would you have done?
Could you meet DH halfway and look after her for an afternoon?

How can you gransnetter advise OP puts a grandchild before her commitments to her husband, to me this is totally barmy. It is not the OP's child she has no commitment to the baby at this stage and can agree with her daughter when to have access that suits the whole family including her husband. If she was employed she couldn't change her hours of work to look after a grandchild unless new contract was agreed. No one knows enough about the business and their financial situation to even give advice on such a sensitive issue. I would like to know how OP would feel if her husband decided to stop working one day a week to look after his grand child. If they work together that is what they do, offering to work alone on a weekend does not have the same impact and why should OP's husband have to change his working days to suit. Sorry but I cannot agree with the general. advise given here.

Well, I’d always put my children and now grandchildren first. I explained this to my husband when we first met. If he hadn’t understood our relationship would have ended. They are the future. Men are supposed to be adults….

I can’t believe his reaction! Doesn’t he feel the same attachment and emotion towards your grandchild as you do? My daughter (from previous marriage) has two daughters (now 12 and 8) and my husband is devoted to them as has been as besotted with them as I am from birth . Is my husband odd or is OPs husband odd ?

He’s jealous of your relationship with your daughter and of you being given the option. He makes comments about the time you spend with your grandchild now, even if it’s a few hours a week?? Do what you want. He (and his ex) may not have had the opportunity to babysit when they had their 3 grandchildren but YOU do. My fiancé always comments about me babysitting 2 days a week for my 2 gd (and he still works full time). I have done so for 1.5 years and they both start school full time in a few weeks. It’s been wonderful to help my son and DIL while most importantly to me, really being a special part of their lives. Share your excitement for the opportunity. How can he refuse something that brings you joy? Expect the comments but do it anyway. Do this for yourself. Are you babysitting at their house or yours? Establish the start and end time. That will help.

He’s her husband not her boss! It’s called give and take. She helps him out, she isn’t paid a wage. Ok, she’ll benefit from the property renovations, but for her DH to deny her time to help her daughter out with childcare is downright selfish.
Do you do all the housework too Sue51. or do you share that? Sounds like a selfish bully to me. Stick to your guns girl. Nobody owns you!

Plus, the OP obviously wants to be a Grandma to her new GD. It’s called maternal instinct!

Germanshepherdsmum

That’s not exactly how you described things is it? However regardless of whether you draw a salary you work full time in the business and therefore have a significant input. Presumably you benefit when a renovated property is sold? Partners in a business have an obligation and can’t just dip in and out as suits them.

oooh very harsh statement. Partners should receive and equal salary....

Su51nan I trust that you can look after yourself well financially. Life is not all about money and work.

Enjoy your Grandchild and help out your Daughter. My parents helped with my children and it was a godsend. They also formed a lovely relationship which continues into adulthood. Children are so precious and do not stay young for long, enjoy while you can.

Fernhillnana I agree when I remarried my children were five and eight.. Before we discussed marriage my partner knew full well my children come first. If he didn’t agree we would not have married equally when the GC came along I was there to help with them with no objection.

win

How can you gransnetter advise OP puts a grandchild before her commitments to her husband, to me this is totally barmy. It is not the OP's child she has no commitment to the baby at this stage and can agree with her daughter when to have access that suits the whole family including her husband. If she was employed she couldn't change her hours of work to look after a grandchild unless new contract was agreed. No one knows enough about the business and their financial situation to even give advice on such a sensitive issue. I would like to know how OP would feel if her husband decided to stop working one day a week to look after his grand child. If they work together that is what they do, offering to work alone on a weekend does not have the same impact and why should OP's husband have to change his working days to suit. Sorry but I cannot agree with the general. advise given here.

Well I can only speak for myself, but I would put my children and grandchild before my husband any day of the week, and I would expect him to do the same if the roles were reversed. Even more so in the OP's situation, where he clearly doesn't see it as being 'his' grandchild. Thankfully my husband is a very hands-on grandfather and wants to be involved in our grandson's life as much as he can. And yes, he runs his own business too and I help out with it.

Stick to your guns. He's being jealous, controlling and unkind. It's precious time for you and your new grandchild to enjoy each other and form a lasting bond. Don't be bullied.

I wonder why the OP does not consider her husbands grandchildren as being her own grandchildren but refers to her daughter's baby as HER FIRST Grandchild? I know it is her first biological grandchild but surely there should bee no difference in an equal marriage.

Win
Great catch about the gc vs the husband's gc

If there is no reason other than he doesn't want you to look after your grandchild then if you feel able and want to then go for it! I feel it is the most precious time with the little one and that time together is so special .

Husband is a sorry example of a loving, supporting spouse. What everyone here says is correct. You’ve probably acquiesced to him for years - ‼️but here is where you draw the line‼️

Do what you wish to do to support your dau, bond with your GC… and let your husband stew in his own anger and insecurities.

The big question here is - are you ready to actually defy him on this? This is NOT an unreasonable wish of your’s, but it IS unreasonable of him to demand this ultimatum. You will walk in strength, determination and principle in front of him and not be afraid.

Time for you to stand up for your rights‼️
USA Gundy

Blondiescot "I would put my children and grandchild before my husband any day of the week, and I would expect him to do the same if the roles were reversed."

I would always put my husband first once the children have left home. I would do anything for them at all times but not at a cost to my husband. I am married to my husband not to my children. They have babies they look after them. That is what we did and quite rightly so.

To those who “think like a man” - do you think this is something we should all aspire to? Is something lacking if we think like women

Time to get up to date.

Current developments in science tells us that in some important ways men and women process information differently because thats how their brains work. This leads to differences in how they may approach tasks. Neither way is superior. Just different.

Men tend to prefer to concentrate upon one task or set of tasks, complete the work, and then block it off before moving onto the next. Women tend to think more flexibly and to keep a number of tasks on the go at one time. This is not to say that either cannot adopt a different approach as circumstances dictate.

It is probably something which evolved from our ancient ancestors and how they behaved in the world. The old nature/nurture debate.

In other words you have an obligation to your husband both in business and in family terms

I can see some of your points, Germanshepherdsmum and the fact that they have committed to this renovation but there are alternatives, as I suggested.
I'm not sure if Su51nan is an expert plasterer, qualified electrician or what her rôle is in the business but there should be a few months of her DD's maternity leave to sort out a solution eg an apprentice straight from school.

Working with a DH and having to devote all weekend to him to the exclusion of the rest of her family doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.

If I spend more than a few hours a week with my grandchild he says my life revolves around her but I just want to be close to her
Quite understandable and quite right - this is just one day a week!

He is not the father of her children and it does sound rather like control and jealousy as Su51nan's life seems to revolve entirely round him at the moment.

It's really up to your DD and you what arrangements you come to over seeing DGC. If you want to help your DD out and enjoy your DGC then do it and tell the moaner to shut up. Spending time with a beloved DGC makes me really happy and what life is all about in later years. Don't let him steal this pleasure away from you. It's not like you are asking him to help you.

Isn’t the OP the one doing the controlling?

She’s the one whose made the decision to change their arrangements, she’s the one who’s saying he has to accept that and be happy about it or she will “chose” ie leave him.

He’s the one that isn’t allowed to express his own needs without being called abusive snd a bully.

The OP obviously puts her grandchild first and loves her much more than she loves her partner, to the extent that she’ll choose one day a week with her over her marriage.

It’s not the love he thought it was. No wonder he’s sad.

He hasn’t issued any ultimatum Gundy.

It’s the OP that’s done that.

win

Blondiescot "I would put my children and grandchild before my husband any day of the week, and I would expect him to do the same if the roles were reversed."

I would always put my husband first once the children have left home. I would do anything for them at all times but not at a cost to my husband. I am married to my husband not to my children. They have babies they look after them. That is what we did and quite rightly so.

That's your view. It's certainly not mine. I might be married to my husband (for almost 40 years now) and love him very much indeed, but I gave birth to my children and that's an unbreakable bond in my view. My son's child is an extension of that.

Lathyrus

He hasn’t issued any ultimatum Gundy.

It’s the OP that’s done that.

I don't think she has.

May I try to suggest a rather differing point of view to the majority, Su51nan?

Reading your post, I gathered, perhaps incorrectly, that you gave up a paid position two years ago, in order to work with your husband in his business, or a joint venture, you and he started, renovating properties full-time.

In other words, you made a commitment to your husband, which forms the basis for your and his livlihood at the present time.

Do you honestly feel you are being fair to him, turning round now and saying that you only want to work four days a week in your joint business, as you intend to spend on week-day looking after your grandchild?

You do not say that your daughter will be paying you for child-care, ( I gather she is not intending to do so) so you are basically depriving yourself and your husband of a day's earnings.

He has made it clear, whether nicely or not, I do not know, that he is afraid this will affect your and his work, which it obviously will.

I realise you have offered to work all either Saturday or Sunday - but hang on a second. Can you cope with working six days a week instead of five, and is it fair to either have less time off with your husband, or to off-load some of the household tasks you usually both do at the weekends onto him?

Admittedly, I too would have resented a remark that spending more than a couple of hours with a grandchild was making her the centre of my life, but was this remark made in the course of a heated discussion, or has your husband always resented the time you spend with our children?

Frankly, right now it sounds to me as if you have, in the joy of being a new grandmother, not thought this through properly, and resent your husband's point of view.

So could you both try to reconsider your positions on this?

And have you thought what might happen if your daughter suddenly decides she needs more than one day's help a week from you?